how do i forgive, how do i live again?

[mahalia]

mmmh... here goes...i was nine when two twelve year olds raped me. i hardly knew him, had just seen him around school. left that school at the end of that year and never saw him again.aged thirteen when a fourteen year old molested me in the dressing rooms of a theater where i was performing. i never told anyone. not that they ever threatened me, i just never wanted to tell anyone.

started seeing a counselor at school two years ago and finally told her three months ago. all the hurt i'd been surpressing for so many years came rushing back. i've helped so many of my friends through sexual assault, but suddenly i can't help myself. my own advice doesn't seem to work.

i'm trying to think of those boys simply as very naughty boys... but to me, they're still three years older than me, nineteen year old threats. i see someone walking in the streets that resembles them and i get sooo scared. when i do grappling in karate class i sometimes start panicking - once this guy was on top of me, choking me (it was part of the lesson) and i just freaked out and kinda kicked him... hard... he could hardly walk for ten minutes... i know God wants me to forgive them...

but HOW?

 

[chloeobrien]

I dont know how... if I knew I would let you know... I cannot forgive the one who raped me. I hate him more than anyone on this planet. It is much harder to take your own advice and used it yourself than to tell it to someone else and have them use it. I have that problem all the time. I hope you start to feel better.

Love and Hugs,
Chloe

 

[BelindaP]

Forgiveness is a decision that you make--sometimes several times a day. When I was recovering from my history, I sometimes had to pray several times a day for God to help me with it.

Before you can become comfortable with giving forgiveness, though, you need to have worked through a lot of your pain. Until then, every time the feelings and memories come up, you will begin hating them again.

What all of them did was a crime, and you might want to consider reporting it. Realistically, the chances that they will be brought to justice are low, but it would be good to get it on the record. These kids are probably still out there offending. If the police know to keep an eye out for them, they may catch them before they can offend again. Sometimes seeing justice done will cool the negative feelings you have toward them, making forgiveness easier.

The feelings of fear when you see kids that look like them are perfectly normal. So are the nightmares and flashbacks. They are all symptoms of something called post-traumatic stress disorder. As you heal, it will get easier. I promise. There was a time when I could not stand to be in an elevator alone with a man, but now it rarely bothers me.

Whatever you do, remember, God loves you and is there for you. When times are hard, he will take on some of your pain--and when time are really hard, he will carry you.

 

[raztaz]

i know the hurt that is there.
the feelings around this issue.
i have not even started thinking of 'living' with this issue. i guess i am pushing it back.
but what Belinda has said is true for you!
i can only echo her.

God loves you. Take the hand HE is holding out to you. He wants to help you through this.

Take special care

Raztaz

 

[HeyJupiter]

Forgiving is defiently hard... There were times i thought i had forgiven but i hadnt...I think i have forgiven..that doesnt mean i dont still hurt..

 

[BrokenForHim]

I know how it feels...but forgiving somebody doesn't meen what they did isn't wrong , its giving the hurt and hate over to God..so he can take care of it...because you can't do it on your own...I have to forgive many people that have hurt me this way...a billion times a day, but if I didn't I know it would be harder..he is my strength..let him be yours to!

 

[BrokenForHim]

mean*

 

[mahalia]

thanks guys... your support is greatly appreciated

 

[moerunamida]

I understand, completely. I was in a abusive relationship over a year ago with a man that raped me. It may not have been actual rape, but I was telling him to stop...asking, begging...and he wouldnt. I do not know how I can trust men again. When I am at the store and I accidently touch a guy's hand when he hands me my change...I get near sick to my stomach. The thought of a man ever touching me again, even in a non-intimate way makes me so ill.

 

[rosesandravens]

TearDropOnFire - I'm fairly sure what happened to you fits the legal definition of rape. Certainly the moral one. *hugs*

MarieChen, remember that you're not superhuman. Everyone, unfortunately, feels feelings of hate and can find it difficult to forgive. I think that when you're emotionally ready to forgive the boys who did it to you, you will. Rushing or forcing it may prove only to be harmful to your mental wellbeing.

Keep seeing that counselor. I get the same terror as you when held down or otherwise physically intimidated. All I can offer is my assurance that it'll heal with time and my advice that if it gets worse, seek further medical help.