How Do I Find My Way Back?

It's hard to say exactly when I became a Christian. I remember asking for forgiveness when I was 16. It was after my father died and I felt very alone and was not in a good home siuation with my mother. I was feeling depressed and I really only had Dh (then bf) and his family to lean on. They are Christian and through talking to them, I decided I wanted God to be a part of my life like he was/is theirs. At the time, Jay was really into is and we talked a lot about various issues. I think at that point and off and on since then, we have been "surface" Christians. Believing in Christ, but not having a great relationship with Him. We went to church and read Christian books and listened to Christian music but we had otherwise not led the Christian life, kwim?

Lately, we have skipped church regularly and have really fallen away. The other day something happened to me though and I think I'm ready to take another step forward. Karen Kingsbury is one of my favority Christian fiction authors. I can always find something to relate to in her books and her message is always so powerful. It always makes me want to be a better person. Well, I couldn't sleep the other night and I decided to read one of her books. I eventually asleep only to wake up in a total panic at about 6 in the morning. I'd had a horrifying dream. I don't remember much about it except that there was a huge flood. Somehow I survived and then I was in my childhood home with Jay and a couple other people that I can't remember. I just remember being very afraid. Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling and I had a feeling of doom. I opened the door to find smoke billowing outside. I looked down the street and there was a MASSIVE "take out the whole world" wall of fire blazing towards us. I knew it was only a matter of seconds to I told everyone it was the end and held hands with them and prayed. Then the fire engulfed us and I died. I woke up a few seconds later and it happened again- and then again and then again. I kept trying to beat the clock (how I don't know) but every time I'd open the door, the fire could still be there and I'd die. It happened four times before I finally woke up IRL. I was very panicked. Usually I don't dream at all or it's a silly dream. But immediately, I had the sense that God was trying to talk to me and I was just overcome with a sense of humility. I laid in bed and prayed about it for about 5-10 minutes. I decided right then that I needed to rededicate my faith.

In the past few days, I've been trying to figure out the best way to start on my path again. I had been having trouble finding time to think about everything. But something else that was positive happened just the other day (after this dream). I was driving down the road and thinking about how I need to quit smoking. Not only for my family and for myself, but because it's part of getting right with God. I was thinking about how hard it's going to be and not two seconds after I had that thought, a scripture came to me. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Now this kind of flipped me out because I have not really heard God speak to me in a long time, nor have I picked up my Bible and read it in....oh I'd say a good 5-7 years! It really gave me hope that I'm headed in the right direction.

It certainly isn't going to be easy though. I'm still struggling with the small things like praying, quitting cursing, quitting smoking, etc. But I can see the big picture. I can see the kind of person I want to be and the kind of family I want to have. I told Jay I would like to go visit my friend's non-denominational church in a few weeks. We're not getting much out of our own church right now and I think that's part of our problem. But I feel drawn to this other church and I hope Jay will too. Maybe that's a good step for us.

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