How do I find comfort??

[meliss289]

I have been struggling with pain. My boyfriend is a conservative Christian. We have been dating for a little over 2 years. I would say 6 months to a year into our relationship he decided that it would be best if he were abstinent. He did this without talking to me. He just stopped showing me affection. Which of coarse caused me to question his feelings for me. Well, as time goes on I find myself feeling pain over his decision. I am not as conservative as him. The whole situation has me feeling sick. I know what God wants for us and it is for us to not have sex outside of marriage. I am willing to do make that sacrifice but there is something that makes me question his commitment. He has a friend which is even more conservative than my boyfriend. Well, they send each other pornographic pictures of woman to each other. I find it very disrespectful. He is so against the sin of sex outside of marriage yet this sin is okay?? I told him how this makes me feel so now he hides it from me. He said that the pictures are meaningless and he does this just as fleating moments. I need help to understand him. He acts as if he wants to live by the word of God but his actions say diffently. I have been trying to work at this relationship and I know he has too. I need advise. I fear I am putting to much of myself into this relationship only to learn that he is not the one for me. I have been praying on this but feel I need to reach out to other Christians for comfort.

 

[latteda]

I am sure that the pornography issue would cause me great pain, as well. I'm sorry you're going through this and pray for you to have wisdom. For me it would be a deal breaker if he was not willing to change his actions.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Wants to trade naked pics with his buddy but won't show much affection to you as his girlfriend?

He's basically a jerk.

He's also a hypocrite considering he wants to abstain from sexual contact so badly that he's removed affection from your relationship, and yet is willing to delve into nude pictures.

You could do better. You should do better. (By that I mean, you could find someone better)

 

[Starcradle]

I can empathize with your pain.

During my previous relationship (which culminated into an engagement), me and my ex did not exchange one kiss. It was his desire that we not do so until our wedding day. I respected and complied with his wishes. Nevertheless, he occasionally struggled with reading/viewing explicit material online.

I cannot describe to you the effects this had upon my heart. I constantly wondered why I was so "resistible." In other words, I asked myself why he possessed such great fortitude in not kissing me, yet allowed himself to falter in these other ways.

On one occasion, I spontaneously kissed him on the cheek and received a mild reprimand. This utterly confounded me.

Your boyfriend's unrepentant attitude regarding these photographs is disconcerting, to say the least. He is withholding affection from you, requiring of you a certain standard of living, yet is unwilling to reciprocate in all areas of his own life.

I would strongly advise you to examine whether or not this man is suitable for you. However painful a breakup may be, it is far less heart-wrenching than becoming the wife of a man addicted to pornography. The deceit and secrecy have already commenced. Despite his knowledge of how it wounds you, his response is to conceal his sin from you rather than stop his actions. This is disrespectful and unloving on so many levels.

I will pray for you.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, I'm gonna try to speak for the men here, although I think I disagree with them, I feel that they are being painted in an unflattering light.

Please do not attack me based upon whether you think I am agreeing or disagreeing, and please don't turn this into a flame war. I am trying to set aside specific rules and speak toward motives.

I cannot describe to you the effects this had upon my heart. I constantly wondered why I was so "resistible." In other words, I asked myself why he possessed such great fortitude in not kissing me, yet allowed himself to falter in these other ways.

I doubt that this crossed his mind. Rather, I think that in Christian men, porn is seen as a lesser sin than the actual act. They feel that while still wrong, this is less wrong, and if I'm gonna fail, fail small. Because they are men, they simply aren't as attuned to others' feelings, so the notion that you are hurt by this is alien to them.

Now, they are certainly going way overboard in their attempt at "physical purity" - I cannot imagine cutting my loved one off from all affection, even to the point of kisses. Frankly, that is more alarming and more an indicator of future problems than the porn. It's not easy to go forward in intimacy, then backward, then forward again. I wonder how real or heartfelt the intimacy will be when (if) it returns.

Melissa, you're going to have to find a way to share how much it's hurting you without making it into an attack, something people in general are bad at. Men are dumb and oblivious about women's feelings, but we are rarely malicious, and I know at least for me, to find out that something I'm doing is hurting someone I love is world-shaking once I get it. And we rarely get it if it comes across as an attack or a nag. Somehow he needs to understand that you are not demanding something he isn't ready to give, but that you are dying on the vine for lack, and that he is the water. This is not easy, and it frankly could be dangerous - he could have his compassion awakened and the intimacy will return, or he could be pushed away for good (although if this happens, it was probably gonna happen anyway.)

I wish you luck, and I'm praying for the best- that you can reach his heart and the two of you can find a mutually happy way ahead.

 

[Starcradle]

I doubt that this crossed his mind. Rather, I think that in Christian men, porn is seen as a lesser sin than the actual act. They feel that while still wrong, this is less wrong, and if I'm gonna fail, fail small.

Perhaps you are correct. I am not making assumptions regarding her boyfriend's thought processes as he was engaging in this behavior. I can only respond to the limited amount of information I have been granted.

Whatever his initial considerations (or lack thereof), he is now informed regarding her sentiments. His acts are injurious to her. If his love is genuine, he will seek to stop in any manner possible, even if he falters along the way. Instead--if the poster has proffered accurate information--he has been rather flippant in his response.

Because they are men, they simply aren't as attuned to others' feelings, so the notion that you are hurt by this is alien to them.

I do not delve into generalities, hence my only commentary is thus: she has directly confessed to him how his behavior affects her. If the notion was once alien to him, it is no longer the case. Therefore, he now has the opportunity to demonstrate consideration and respect.

Melissa, you're going to have to find a way to share how much it's hurting you without making it into an attack, something people in general are bad at. Men are dumb and oblivious about women's feelings, but we are rarely malicious, and I know at least for me, to find out that something I'm doing is hurting someone I love is world-shaking once I get it. And we rarely get it if it comes across as an attack or a nag.

It is indeed wise counsel to approach your boyfriend in a loving, respectful (albeit firm) manner. Indeed, you may have already done so. However, you must be prepared if this does not engender the results you desire. I dealt with my ex as gently as possible, transcendent of the great pain I was in. This did not cause him to stop, however.

God is faithful to answer your supplications for wisdom. Do not cease praying and encourage yourself in Him.

 

[bliz]

He has some interesting double standards.

Proceed with extreme caution!!!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I doubt that this crossed his mind. Rather, I think that in Christian men, porn is seen as a lesser sin than the actual act. They feel that while still wrong, this is less wrong, and if I'm gonna fail, fail small. Because they are men, they simply aren't as attuned to others' feelings, so the notion that you are hurt by this is alien to them.

It makes sense to view it as a "lesser act" because when they look at porn it is just them doing it -- but when they engage in sexual activities with someone else, that's bringing that person down into sinning, too.

Or that much thought may not even go into it. It might just be an impulsive thing and habit. There's the computer, there's the urge, there's no one there but them... there you go. They may regret it after the fact (just like a binge eater would regret overeating after the fact).

 

[Johnnz]

When we demonise human sexuality that's what you end up with, repression in one area and indulgence in something rather unsavoury. When are Christian going to realise that our sexuality must be healthily integrated into our lives and values, not something to be repressed and seen as morally deficient?

His behaviour is a common outcome of some very bad teaching.

John
NZ