how do I cope with this?

[Jaybo]

I have been divorced for eight years. My ex refuses to speak to me, sort of a punishment type of thing because I left her. Unfortunately it puts our two children right in the middle. My oldest son has basically been brainwashed to hate me. He didnt seem to hate me, but when I could no longer afford to pay for his college he just quit calling me and will not answer when I call him. The ex constantly tells the children I dont love them and has for ten years no (we were seperated for two years before we divorced). Any way my daughter and I are still close, she begs to live with me because she is a Christian and knows her mother is very manipulative. The judge will not change custody though because she has always lived with her mother. She is too the point of running away and I dont know what to do. I also dont know how to get my son back. I have a very hard time not hating this woman, in fact I do hate her and it is spoiling my peace big time. I am now on antidepressant meds and sick of all of this stuff!

 

[blueSKYpilot]

I have been divorced for eight years. My ex refuses to speak to me, sort of a punishment type of thing because I left her. Unfortunately it puts our two children right in the middle. My oldest son has basically been brainwashed to hate me. He didnt seem to hate me, but when I could no longer afford to pay for his college he just quit calling me and will not answer when I call him. The ex constantly tells the children I dont love them and has for ten years no (we were seperated for two years before we divorced). Any way my daughter and I are still close, she begs to live with me because she is a Christian and knows her mother is very manipulative. The judge will not change custody though because she has always lived with her mother. She is too the point of running away and I dont know what to do. I also dont know how to get my son back. I have a vet hard time not hating this woman, in fact I do hate her and it is spoiling my peace big time. I am now on antidepressant meds and sick of all of this stuff!

good thing ur daughter loves you at least. sounds like your wife needs to grow up.. (absolutly no offense there.. sorry if u took it in wrong)

whatever you do, do NOT feel guilty because u make mistakes.. thats why Christ died. you are forgiven by his blood, not what the world thinks. the world (and a lot of the christian church) says "do the crime, do the time.. and you are not forgiven" and they like to define by themselves right from wrong, ignoring God all the time. they judge you by how well u conform to social standards. they tell u if you dont write a college essay the exact way you wanna, you are "a bad student"... they tell u you are evil if u take ur car to the store without car insurance.. where im going... God said "my ways are not your ways" but somehow, people do a really good job making it sound like God is behind all of this "serious education" and what not... i can recal last year, my HS said u cant wear sunglasses in the grad pics in the yearbook.. but you can frown. you can boast... you can be as big of a jerk and B. as you want... but you cant do "this" and "that" and "this"... wow, im going off on a tangent. sorry.

where im going is, God is not a God of human tradition. He does want us to be responsible.. but he judges more on human intentions, rather than what grades your kids get... and definetely He does not hold grudges becuase dads go bankrupt and are unable to pay for college... obviously it was a mistake... so if your wife and son hold grudge against you.. shame on them. yea, you might not be able to pay for his college... but God works in 1000000 ways. He'll find a way.

anyway... yea. personally, i could never feel attraction to a woman who is just plain old mean (i dont know if thats the case, it was the case with my dad).. and if that happened to me, from where i am now.. i would guess that i would not really miss her at all. thats just me tho. if she was a sweetheart, and i hurt her, yea, i would probably feel really bad. i dunno, tho.

sorry im rambling on so much. i'll pray for ya. just my 2 cents

 

[AwesomeMachine]

Let me first try to tell you how I am similar to you. Some things may be different, but the net result is the same. When I was sick, and dying, my wife left me, and took my children with her. I was very sick, but she didn't really care about that. She just couldn't handle it. I stayed in my office for a few weeks, until the police told me I couldn't live in an office due to fire regulations. I got an apartment. I couldn't work, but I had some money saved that my wife didn't know about. I paid rent as long as I could, but one time when I was in ICU, I got evicted. Then I had no place to go after I left the hospital, and I was not able to walk very well. I was extremely bitter at my wife for leaving me, especially at that time. The strange thing is, she blames me for the divorce, and does everything she can to keep me away from our children. When I do see my kids, they treat me like a leper, because my ex tells them if they come to close to me they will get sick and die. This is not true. She takes Christmas and birthday gifts I get for my kids and throws away the cards. Then she pretends the presents are from her. She won't allow me to talk to them on the phone, telling me to get lost. I send my kids letters, but she throws them away before they can read them. I have managed to forgive this woman. I feel no anger toward her. In fact, I light votive candles for her in church for her conversion.

How did I do this? It seems impossible, but it isn't. I kept in mind Jesus saying, "forgive them, Father, they know not what they do." All the anger I felt, which was crippling me, was already inside me before I met my wife. She could not make me feel any certain way, if those feelings were not already inside me. So, I looked at myself. There was a considerable of sin I carried that other people had done to me. My earthly father had been ruthless, psychologically. He is a psychological psychopath. His bag is to deceive people into thinking they are worthless. It came to me, that the reason my earthly father was like this, and the reason I was ever attracted to a woman like my ex-wife, is because I was cursed. Both my parents had family curses on them. When I was delivered from my curses, I was able to confess the sins I carried as pain, fear, and ignorance; and ask forgiveness from Jesus for carrying the pain others gave to me. I passed on a lot of this pain to others. I confessed that, too. I am Catholic, so I actually confess my sins to a person. This is most helpful to people mired in sins they can't see.

 

[josiahoftenn]

If your daughter is a certain age she should be able to pick where she wants to live.Have the judge ask your daughter where she wants to live.

 

[blueSKYpilot]

I couldn't live in an office due to fire regulations. I got an apartment. I couldn't work, but I had some money saved that my wife didn't know about. I paid rent as long as I could, but one time when I was in ICU, I got evicted. Then I had no place to go after I left the hospital, and I was not able to walk very well.

See what i mean here? they act as if YOU were the one doing everything wrong! satan is behind most of everything in this world (God is ultimately in control tho)... and the devil does a good job of making people believe his false lies.. lies that say "if a person comes and knocks at your door (considering their kind and not dangerous) at 12am needing to use the WR.. dont let em in. its too late.." or lies like "just ignore people who talk to much" (i hate that one) ... problem is the devil not only makes people act immature like that (then he tries and defines immaturity as "singing too loud" and "wearing your hat at the table" and "taking candy when ur not supposed to).. and he makes people feel guilty when they don't do jack!... like the cops who punish the bums for begging...

 

[UnitynLove]

be consumed with hate. God understands your situation my brother and he hears your cry. Just hold on and he will turn things around for you. Hears an exzert from joyce myers:



Many people ruin their lives and their health by eating the poison of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us that, if we do not forgive people, we get turned over to the torturers. If you have a problem in this area or have ever had one, I am sure you bear witness with what I am saying. It is torture to have hateful thoughts rolling around inside of you toward another person.

Who Are You Helping When You Forgive?

Who are you helping the most when you forgive the person who hurt you? Actually, you are helping yourself more than the other person. I always looked at forgiving people who had hurt me as being a really hard thing to do. I thought it seemed so unfair for them to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt. I got pain, and they got free without having to pay for the pain they caused me. Now I realized that I am helping myself when I choose to forgive. I am helping the other person also by releasing them, so God can do what only He can do. If I am in the way, trying to get revenge or taking care of the situation myself instead of trusting and obeying God, He has no obligation to deal with that person. However, God will deal with the people who hurt us if we will put them in His hands through forgiveness. It is our seed of obedience to His Word; and once we have sown our seed, He will bring a harvest of blessing to us one way or another.

I am helping myself, because when I forgive I release God to work. I am happy when I am not full of the poison of unforgiveness. I feel better physically. Serious diseases can come as a result of the stress and pressure that bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness put on a person. Mark 11:22-26 clearly teaches us that unforgiveness hinders our faith from working. The Father cannot forgive our sins if we do not forgive other people (we reap what we sow). Sow mercy, and you will reap mercy; sow judgement, and you will reap judgement. Do yourself a favor and forgive.

There are still more benefits of forgiveness. When you are willing to forgive, your fellowship with God has a free flow. Unforgiveness blocks it. Paul said that we are to forgive in order to keep Satan from getting an advantage over us (11 Corinthians 2: 10-11). Ephesians 4:26-27 says that we are not to let the sun go down on our anger. Do not give the devil any such foothold or opportunity. Remember that the devil must have a foothold before he can get a stronghold. Be quick to forgive. Do not help the devil torture you. I also think it is hard to hate one person and love another. When we are full of wrong things, it is hard to treat anybody right. Even people you want to love may be suffering from your bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.

How To Forgive

Like everything else, there are practical steps to forgiving people that must be taken if we are going to be successful at it. I asked the Lord why so many people seem to want to forgive and yet are not successful doing it. He said, "because they are not obeying what I tell them to do in the Word." As I searched the Word, I found the following instructions:

1. Decide. You will never forgive if you wait to feel like it. Choose to obey God and steadfastly resist the devil in his attempts to poison you again with bitter thoughts. Make a quality decision, and God will heal your wounded emotions in due time.

2. Depend. You cannot forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. It is too hard to do on your own. If you are truly willing, God will enable you; but you are going to need to humble yourself and cry out to Him for help. In John 20:22-23, Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. " His next instruction was about forgiving people. We certainly can use this as an example and ask Him to breathe on us that we might be able to forgive those who hurt us.

3. Obey. There are several things we are told do in the Word concerning forgiving our enemies.

a. Pray for your enemies and those who abuse and misuse you. Pray for their happiness and welfare (Luke 6:27-28 Amplified). As you pray, God may be able to give them revelation that will bring them out of deception. They may not even be aware they hurt you, or maybe they are aware but are so self-centered that they do not care. Either way, they need revelation.

b. Bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14). In the Greek, to bless means "to speak well of" and to curse means "to speak evil of." You cannot forgive and gossip or be a talebearer. You must stop repeating the offense. You cannot get over it and also continue to talk about it. Proverbs 17:9 says that he who seeks to cover an offense seeks love.

Who Should Forgive?

Forgive the person from long ago who hurt you very badly and also the person whom you did not know in the grocery store, for stepping on your toe. Take those two extremes and forgive them in addition to everyone in between. Forgive quickly. The quicker you do it, the easier it is. Forgive freely. Matthew 10:8 says freely you have received, freely give. Forgiveness means to excuse a fault, absolve from payment, pardon, send away, cancel, and bestow favor unconditionally.

When you forgive, you must cancel the debt. Do not spend your life paying and collecting debts. Hebrews 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to the Lord; He will repay and settle the cases of His people. Let God pay you for past injustices; do not try to collect from the people who hurt you, because the people who hurt you cannot pay you. Matthew 18:25 says ..."he could not pay".

Also forgive yourself for past sins and for hurts you have caused others. You cannot pay people back, so ask God to.

Forgive God if you are angry at Him because your life did not turn out the way you thought it should. God is always just. There may be things you do not understand; but God loves you, and people make a serious mistake if they will not receive help from the only One who can truly help.

You may even need to forgive an object—the post office, bank, a certain store you feel cheated you, a car that always gave you trouble, etc. Get rid of all poison that comes from bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness; and remember Proverbs 4:23 (Amplified), "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance...for out of it flow the springs of life." Unforgiveness is spiritual filthiness; get washed in the water of the Word and stay clean. God bless you!

 

[Jaybo]

Let me first try to tell you how I am similar to you. Some things may be different, but the net result is the same. When I was sick, and dying, my wife left me, and took my children with her. I was very sick, but she didn't really care about that. She just couldn't handle it. I stayed in my office for a few weeks, until the police told me I couldn't live in an office due to fire regulations. I got an apartment. I couldn't work, but I had some money saved that my wife didn't know about. I paid rent as long as I could, but one time when I was in ICU, I got evicted. Then I had no place to go after I left the hospital, and I was not able to walk very well. I was extremely bitter at my wife for leaving me, especially at that time. The strange thing is, she blames me for the divorce, and does everything she can to keep me away from our children. When I do see my kids, they treat me like a leper, because my ex tells them if they come to close to me they will get sick and die. This is not true. She takes Christmas and birthday gifts I get for my kids and throws away the cards. Then she pretends the presents are from her. She won't allow me to talk to them on the phone, telling me to get lost. I send my kids letters, but she throws them away before they can read them. I have managed to forgive this woman. I feel no anger toward her. In fact, I light votive candles for her in church for her conversion.

How did I do this? It seems impossible, but it isn't. I kept in mind Jesus saying, "forgive them, Father, they know not what they do." All the anger I felt, which was crippling me, was already inside me before I met my wife. She could not make me feel any certain way, if those feelings were not already inside me. So, I looked at myself. There was a considerable of sin I carried that other people had done to me. My earthly father had been ruthless, psychologically. He is a psychological psychopath. His bag is to deceive people into thinking they are worthless. It came to me, that the reason my earthly father was like this, and the reason I was ever attracted to a woman like my ex-wife, is because I was cursed. Both my parents had family curses on them. When I was delivered from my curses, I was able to confess the sins I carried as pain, fear, and ignorance; and ask forgiveness from Jesus for carrying the pain others gave to me. I passed on a lot of this pain to others. I confessed that, too. I am Catholic, so I actually confess my sins to a person. This is most helpful to people mired in sins they can't see.

Thats an amazing story AwsomeMachine. You are much stronger than me. I did ask for her forgiveness but she would never forgive me. She only critisizes me. I must admit I still feel some guilt mainly for what my children have been through and also now she is very sick with MS....she blames me for that too. Even though I tried to go back to her and stop the divorce but she had already filed and wouldnt try to make the marriage work.

How were you delivered from your curses? Are you well now physically? Doesnt it still hurt that your children treat you so badly?

 

[Jaybo]

Thank you UnitynLove for the wonderful post and encouragement. I will print, read and read this until it fills my conciousness and I can put it into action. I soooo appreciate all of everyones prayers, advice and encouragement. I know this is just a online forum but real people are behind these computer screens and I am very thankful for each of you.

 

[NewCovenant]

Great post on forgiveness, Unity. Hope you don't mind if I copy it & keep it. It's a great lesson for everyone.

 

[Anti Existance]

Basically all of this stuff is EATING YOU ALIVE.

The longer it takes, the more miserable you will feel.

What you have to do is to 'create' an opening in her heart. She hates your guts too ,and the problem is that you should expand on why you left her in the first place?

 

[UnitynLove]

All glory be to God, because he saw that you needed help and used all as an instrument for this. Father all the glory is yours. My brother I was on the brink of becoming bitter and hating others for what they have done to me, but I HUMBLED MY SELF under his mighty hand and trusted in him to handle all my problems. He tell us all my brother: "To cast all our cares upon him because he cares for us." What great glory that is to take everything you have to the thrown of Grace. He will solve all your problems just trust in him and stop trying to figure everything out. When you forgive and love those who hate you, you are leaving them in the lords hand and all you have to worry about is living your life to the fullest while the lord takes care of everything. Oh Glory to God. My brother let me encourage you to pour your heart out to God and do what Jesus say's pray for those who dispise you and use you when you do this its like your spilling the venomous bottle of poision (hate) in you, you will then become free. Heres another exzert from joyce myers: and here a link to her page in case you have other questions: http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/hfth.plx?page=hfth&subpage=hfth&page_ref=Nav&section_id=NA

How To Enjoy Everyday Life



All of us have large portions of our time that need to be devoted to what we will call "common life and everyday business." I'm sure you know what I mean, things like, laundry, grocery store trips, auto repairs, dentist's visits, sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, going to work, etc. We tend to see these chores as being quite different from and even far below our "Spiritual Life," or the things we do which we consider to be holy. Most of us who really love and are devoted to God prefer the holy times to the common. Holy times are like praying, spiritual reading and meditation, sharing conversation about the Lord with friends, going to church, or other spiritual meetings. Seeing the two sides of our life as being in two entirely different categories usually causes quite a problem within the believer.

Often we feel divided within ourselves struggling to get finished with "common life and everyday business" so we can return to holy things, because we feel that we are holier or more right with God when we are doing what we believe to be holy things.

I believe this is one of the greatest deceptions of Satan. It keeps most people in a state of turmoil; dreading, and even despising the tasks of common life and everyday business. All of us must do them; it is part of life. They cannot be avoided. So we must have understanding on how in reality (truth) there is no difference between common and holy, except in our own minds. And if we will read the Bible properly and not be so religious in our thinking, we will move into an area of freedom that will shake the gates of hell. SATAN DOES NOT WANT YOU TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE. Naturally, if he can keep you thinking that God is only pleased with you when you are engaged in some sort of a so called "spiritual activity"; He can keep you unhappy a large part of the time. This misconception is one of his greatest tools to keep people from enjoying life. Often this comes as a vague feeling that makes a believer miserable, and he doesn't even understand what is wrong with him. All he knows is that something is amiss.

Everything we do is to be offered to the Lord; and if done so with a pure heart of love, it becomes holy. You can do common tasks, like go to the grocery store, and it will be just as holy as prayer, as long as you do all to the glory and honor of God. In the realm of importance, prayer is certainly more important than a trip to the grocery store, but not any holier. What I mean by prayer being more important is that it has eternal value, whereas a trip to the store or mopping the floor doesn't.

Romans 14 is an excellent chapter in the Bible to bring liberty in this area. Verses 5 & 6 (paraphrased) says: One man esteems one day as better than another (holier), while another man esteems all days alike (holy). Let everyone be fully convinced in his own mind. He who observes the day, does it in honor of the Lord. He also who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God; while he who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God.

Let's rewrite Romans 14:5-6 for a minute (Joyce's translation): One man sees prayer and Bible study as better (holier) than ordinary tasks. While a person that is really free in the Lord sees them all alike (all holy), because whatever he does, he does it in honor of the Lord.

This is true liberty—to be able to live an undivided life where we categorize some things as common and some as holy. Thereby as a result, we never enjoy the common because we are desperately trying to either avoid them completely or at least to rush through them so we can get to those things that are holy.

I just learned this lesson while traveling on an airplane to a speaking engagement. I was pondering on the thought of how glad I would be when I get to my destination, so I could pray and study. I was feeling very restless. The Lord began to minister to me that I needed to thoroughly enjoy the airplane ride and that it was just as holy to Him if I would offer it to Him. He is Holy, and He lives in you so that makes you holy. Therefore, wherever you go and whatever you do becomes holy. Now I realize, we are growing in manifesting holiness, but I'm sharing that it is His presence that makes things holy.

Another thing that had quite an effect on me in this area was a plaque I saw in a pastor's office. It said, "My work is worship." As long as I remember that, I find myself enjoying everything common life and everyday business as well as prayer, Bible study, and other things we define as spiritual. Join me in this liberated lifestyle and begin to enjoy everyday life.

 

[Jaybo]

Basically all of this stuff is EATING YOU ALIVE.

The longer it takes, the more miserable you will feel.

What you have to do is to 'create' an opening in her heart. She hates your guts too ,and the problem is that you should expand on why you left her in the first place?

The longer what takes?

How do I create an opening in her heart? Expand on why I left her to who? Her or here??

I appreciate the advice but please explain further.