How can I learn to be more assertive and confident?

pinkjess · Jun 1, 2016

I have a hard time communicating myself effectively because I always try to keep the peace and please people. I've always thought it was the Christian thing to do. After all, in the Bible it says blessed are the peacemakers. But bending over backward and telling people what they want to hear at the expense of how I truly feel cannot be what Jesus meant.

Here is an example. I am dealing with an autoimmune illness at the moment and I have changed my eating habits to a vegan with some fish type of diet and I get questions like how I expect to keep eating this way, where do I get my protein from, why am I doing it, etc. and when people ask me they ask so in kind of an attacking tone like they disprove of what I am doing. It makes me feel unsure of myself, but I know that eating this way has helped me so much and I want to keep doing it. So I bend over backward and say things like, "I'm just doing it until I start feeling better." or give in and eat something I know makes me feel bad just so they won't look down on me.

It sucks.

I am so soft-spoken and meek that I can't even explain myself. There's got to be a balance, right? At this rate, I will never get what I want out of life. I have a hard time saying "no" to people and I can't be confident enough to stand up for myself.

DiscipleHeLovesToo · Jun 1, 2016

pride is like a stick; on one end is arrogance, on the other end is shyness; a shy person is a prideful person that doesn't see that they have anything to be proud about. true meekness is bold - in scriptural terms, true meekness is to become so focused on God and following His leading that you lose sight of your own personal goals, trusting Him to lead to you fulfill them as a by-product of focusing on His leading.

you can choose to become assertive and confident by placing faith in your own intellect and understanding (proud), or you can choose to become assertive and confident by focusing on what God has said (in His word) about you as a reborn believer (meek).

(choose the latter method )

Goodbook · Jun 2, 2016

Just say you on a diet at the moment and you cant eat certain foods by doctors orders.
If they ask any more just say 'whats it to you? ' or 'its too complicated to explain right now'
Or something similar if they seem accusatory.

I think Jesus said what is it to you? when Peter was being nosy about what Jesus said to John. Some people are just nosy.

We are to please God first not other people.

Goodbook · Jun 2, 2016

Just to add...Fish has protein in it. Its very healthy to eat fresh fish.
Also I think the disciples were accused of something similar by others when pharisees kept asking them why they werent fasting. JEsus defended them by saying they will fast later.

Just dont let it bother you what other people think. It only matters what God thinks of you, and He knows you want to only put good things in your body.

vinsight4u · Jun 2, 2016

Razare · Jun 2, 2016

pinkjess said:
I have a hard time communicating myself effectively because I always try to keep the peace and please people. I've always thought it was the Christian thing to do. After all, in the Bible it says blessed are the peacemakers. But bending over backward and telling people what they want to hear at the expense of how I truly feel cannot be what Jesus meant.

It isn't. I was a man-pleaser too. Bible warns against it.

Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; - Ephesians 6:6

"I'm just doing it until I start feeling better." or give in and eat something I know makes me feel bad just so they won't look down on me.

It sucks.

Responding to people is optional. I have learned to just keep quite sometimes, and let people blow off their filth in my direction, and maybe just give a neutral statement. Not responding at all can sometimes be okay, though it confuses people.

I am so soft-spoken and meek that I can't even explain myself. There's got to be a balance, right? At this rate, I will never get what I want out of life. I have a hard time saying "no" to people and I can't be confident enough to stand up for myself.

Meek is believing God's word. Meekness as society defines it, is not really what scripture is talking about. Society has invented their own concepts of what Bible words mean, but what the Bible means is what we are to seek after.

Christ was meek. Moses was the most humble person on Earth. Moses having the most humility, ordered 3,000 killed one day according to God's law.

So the biblical concept of meek has no problem with just slaying of life (capital punishment). But then too in other areas, like when Christ threw people out of the temple. This was meek.

Now... here is where Christians miss it. We will try to shove our word-based beliefs upon other people, not out of love, but out of fear/guilt/shame/unbelief, ect. We don't have to compel our beliefs upon others, neither do we have to receive anything they believe.

Sometimes you do have to contradict people with your words. When you do it according to God's word, you get a breakthrough.

The source of Christ's and Moses's meekness was God's word. In the case of Christ, it was himself he was relying upon for meekness, but he had to learn to control his body to submit when it did not want to. And that ability to submit to God's word (meekness) was born from God's word, not from the flesh.

Goodbook · Jun 2, 2016

I dont think christians 'shove' beliefs on others. Someone who is righteous and in the light just naturally makes those in the dark accusatory and jealous. Example, abel. He never boasted that he was a goody goody...it was God who accepted his saacrifice and not cains.
This made him insanely jealous of abel. Enough to persecute him and kill him.

This is something as a christian we have to deal with, because we are meek and humble, others arent always going to be kind to us. What does Paul advise us to do? Put on the whole armour of God...so when the devils accusations come, they just bounce off you..like the shield of faith so any cruel and fiery arrows cant hurt you.

insurchoftruth · Jun 5, 2016

To be assertive means to say what you want or think, without being angry.

There are two extremes when we want something from others, or want them to do something for us. One extreme is, to become angry, and yell and shout at the other person, in order to make them afraid, and submit, doing what we want. That is why, bullies will use anger, to try to control their victim. People use anger to control others.

The other extreme, is not to say what we really want from others, or what we want them to do for us, so we do not say anything, in a difficult situation, and we do not have our needs met, in that way. That is called passivity. If we act like a doormat, everyone will come and wipe their shoes on us. If we do not get what we want from others, to meet our needs or desires, then we become resentful, and that will trouble us latter.

The key is to find a win-win solution, in a conflict or difficult situation, where the needs of all people involved, are met, even if that means, to make a compromise.

The most important thing to do, in difficult situation, is to say the truth in love, or that is, to say what we want, but without being angry.
To do that, we need to pause and stop the conversation, when we are in a conflict or difficult situation, while we feel anger starts to rise in us, and we feel that we become angry. Just pause, stop for a few seconds or minutes if necessary, do not talk, until you feel calmer inside. Wait for your angry feelings to decrease and minimize, then start talking again. That is how to say what you want, without being angry or mad at the other person.

If you continue to speak, while you feel irritated or angry, the feelings of anger inside of you, will take over you analytical logical brain, and will start controlling and backing up, what you are saying. That means, your angry feelings will influence the other person, because they will notice them, regardless of what you are saying, and they will start being even more angry, in response to your anger. Feelings are contagious. When we are angry, we make decisions and speak out of emotions, and not out of logic or analysis. In Psychology, that is called 'emotional hijacking'. Just Google it, and you will find out what it means.

Read James 1:19

turkle · Jun 5, 2016

pinkjess said:
I have a hard time communicating myself effectively because I always try to keep the peace and please people. I've always thought it was the Christian thing to do. After all, in the Bible it says blessed are the peacemakers. But bending over backward and telling people what they want to hear at the expense of how I truly feel cannot be what Jesus meant.

Here is an example. I am dealing with an autoimmune illness at the moment and I have changed my eating habits to a vegan with some fish type of diet and I get questions like how I expect to keep eating this way, where do I get my protein from, why am I doing it, etc. and when people ask me they ask so in kind of an attacking tone like they disprove of what I am doing. It makes me feel unsure of myself, but I know that eating this way has helped me so much and I want to keep doing it. So I bend over backward and say things like, "I'm just doing it until I start feeling better." or give in and eat something I know makes me feel bad just so they won't look down on me.

It sucks.

I am so soft-spoken and meek that I can't even explain myself. There's got to be a balance, right? At this rate, I will never get what I want out of life. I have a hard time saying "no" to people and I can't be confident enough to stand up for myself.

Confidence comes from successfully asserting yourself firmly and kindly. You do not owe people an explanation about your diet, but maybe the question came out of concern and a lack of understanding of your situation. Could it be that the "attacking tone" of others is really only your perception? Could it be that you are being overly sensitive to comments? I ask this because this kind of hyper sensitivity is common in people pleasers.

People pleasers engage in the behavior because they want everybody to think well of themselves. The problem is that the behavior never accomplishes its own goal; others usually quickly lose respect for the people pleaser, and their opinion of them diminishes. The people pleaser then tries harder to please, and others lose even more respect. It's a downward spiral that makes everyone involved miserable. In my experience, people pleasers are some of the most unhappy people I know.

The cycle needs to be broken. If you have made a choice, in this example about your diet, then when questioned, say so directly. Don't apologize. Don't side step. Don't over explain. Just say it kindly and plainly. You will feel uncomfortable, as though you have to explain yourself to the other person's satisfaction, but let the discomfort happen. If you do, you will walk away from the conversation with the satisfaction that you stood up for yourself. As Jesus said, "let your yes be yes". Over time, if you continue to do this, you will gain confidence.

I recommend that you read the book of Joshua. Notice how many times God told Joshua to be bold, courageous and strong. He tells us to do the same: face fear head on and move past it. Because this problem is really all about fear and self centeredness. When you repent (turn away) from behavior and attitudes that God has called you to do in scripture, relying upon His word and prayer, you will gradually gain victory over the thing that is crippling you and your relationships. As you get stronger, you will be able to assist others with the same struggle, which scripture also instructs us to do.

Ask the Holy Spirit to put His finger on attitudes that are displeasing to Him and replace them with His own - the ability to speak all truth kindly and gently, but also plainly. When we approach the throne with a humble heart, He will begin the good work in you. The key is to be bold, and choose to live in the strength of the Lord.

pinkjess · Jun 5, 2016

turkle said:
Confidence comes from successfully asserting yourself firmly and kindly. You do not owe people an explanation about your diet, but maybe the question came out of concern and a lack of understanding of your situation. Could it be that the "attacking tone" of others is really only your perception? Could it be that you are being overly sensitive to comments? I ask this because this kind of hyper sensitivity is common in people pleasers.

People pleasers engage in the behavior because they want everybody to think well of themselves. The problem is that the behavior never accomplishes its own goal; others usually quickly lose respect for the people pleaser, and their opinion of them diminishes. The people pleaser then tries harder to please, and others lose even more respect. It's a downward spiral that makes everyone involved miserable. In my experience, people pleasers are some of the most unhappy people I know.

The cycle needs to be broken. If you have made a choice, in this example about your diet, then when questioned, say so directly. Don't apologize. Don't side step. Don't over explain. Just say it kindly and plainly. You will feel uncomfortable, as though you have to explain yourself to the other person's satisfaction, but let the discomfort happen. If you do, you will walk away from the conversation with the satisfaction that you stood up for yourself. As Jesus said, "let your yes be yes". Over time, if you continue to do this, you will gain confidence.

I recommend that you read the book of Joshua. Notice how many times God told Joshua to be bold, courageous and strong. He tells us to do the same: face fear head on and move past it. Because this problem is really all about fear and self centeredness. When you repent (turn away) from behavior and attitudes that God has called you to do in scripture, relying upon His word and prayer, you will gradually gain victory over the thing that is crippling you and your relationships. As you get stronger, you will be able to assist others with the same struggle, which scripture also instructs us to do.

Ask the Holy Spirit to put His finger on attitudes that are displeasing to Him and replace them with His own - the ability to speak all truth kindly and gently, but also plainly. When we approach the throne with a humble heart, He will begin the good work in you. The key is to be bold, and choose to live in the strength of the Lord.

Great advice. Thank you so much. I will try the things you said.

How can I learn to be more assertive and confident?

pinkjess

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DiscipleHeLovesToo

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Goodbook

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vinsight4u

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Razare

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