I found out yesterday that my bf (oh so embarassing to say it) masterbates (sp?). He has promised that he hasn't looked at porn for 4 years and i believe that 100%. When i told him that it hurts knowing that he does it, he told me that he would stop. What can i do to make it easier?
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How can i help him?
- Thread starter alwayz_remember_Calvery
- Start date
the problem with masturbation is not that you are looking at porn.... whether you are looking at something or not, you are still focusing on lustful thoughts (I dare someone to say they touch without the slightest trace of fantasizing). While I could do my best to give you an answer, you could probably get a far better answer by going to the men's forum, which has threads specifically for those trying to overcome this addiction.
The biggest thing for me...it was such an increadible glass ceiling between me and God. After removing it from my life, I became so much closer to Him.
Here's one of the 2-3 threads devoted to the topic. Read it, and you will find much to think about. IF he actually wants to stop....it'd have to come from sheer devotion to God, you could have him take a look too: http://www.christianforums.com/t46636-masturbation-discussion-thread.html
The biggest thing for me...it was such an increadible glass ceiling between me and God. After removing it from my life, I became so much closer to Him.
Here's one of the 2-3 threads devoted to the topic. Read it, and you will find much to think about. IF he actually wants to stop....it'd have to come from sheer devotion to God, you could have him take a look too: http://www.christianforums.com/t46636-masturbation-discussion-thread.html
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It does sound unfounded, but for guys who touch (I was included until february of this year, after 8 years of sinloved said:
), its more 'fun' to have porn involved, and theres no reason at all to not use porn.....unless you have some sort of delusions about the fact that its the masturbation, not just the porn, that's wrong. Lets just say, it's pretty likely. Most guys either do, or used to touch, so they can understand the mindset pretty easily.That said, let's try to refrain from calling people we don't know liars without any reason for it
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I
Inperfected
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Mmm... i think that he's probly telling the truth. Honestly it's a hard cycle to break, so just be there for him, and don't be down on him if he fails.
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I don't plan on being hard on him if he does it, as long as i believe he's really trying to stop. I want to be here for him if he needs me. When i got my cell phone i told him that he was not, under any circumstance, allowed to call me when i was at work. This morning i sent him an email telling him if he was still planning on stopping he was allowed to break that rule if he need to be distracted for a while. I'll do anything to help him over come this.
For those of you who say you think he's lying, please don't ever tell me my bf is a liar again. You don't know him, you didn't see the look in his eyes when he told me, you didn't hear the tone of his voice, you didn't see him pleading with me to believe him. He's never lied to me before and i don't think he's planning on doing it now. He told me that he does 'that', why would he lie about porn? He told me he doesn't see the attraction in looking at a bunch of people he doesn't know without any clothes on. I believe him 100% on this.
For those of you who say you think he's lying, please don't ever tell me my bf is a liar again. You don't know him, you didn't see the look in his eyes when he told me, you didn't hear the tone of his voice, you didn't see him pleading with me to believe him. He's never lied to me before and i don't think he's planning on doing it now. He told me that he does 'that', why would he lie about porn? He told me he doesn't see the attraction in looking at a bunch of people he doesn't know without any clothes on. I believe him 100% on this.
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Singin4Him
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The best thing you can do to help him is to make sure you do your best not to contribute to his struggle. Be sure that you do not tempt or tease him in any way whether it be verbally, physically, and in your appearance. Be sure you are aware of your actions and your choices (especially in the way you choose to dress around him) so that you do not cause him to stumble. Really the only way he is going to overcome his struggle is through Christ and Christ only.alwayz_remember_Calvery said:
I don't think there is any need for you to get defensive here, you can get your point across just as well in a calmer way. You do also have to understand the people saying this were men, so please consider the source and that they may know a little bit about this themselves. Along with that I will say I know quite a few women personally and on this board who can testify to the fact that their husband's kept this secret and did LIE about this, but in most cases it is not for hurtful reasons but instead it is because of their deep shame in this addiction. I'm a psych major and I know many others can agree with me on the fact that addictions of all sorts share many common qualities and a big one is that they all include lying to cover your addiction for some reason or another. I will say there are certainly cases where men do not need porn to have this addiction, however in most cases it is unlikely but your boyfriends case could be one of those few. No one is saying he is a liar so please do not think that. We're only trying to help you consider all realities of this addiction. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter what he is addicted to and whether he is lying about the porn, but that he gets help for his addiction.
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Spoilt Victorian Child
Regular Member
I think he's lying too (not with the intent to deceive, but just to preserve his pride). I can empathize.
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You shouldn't be embarrassed, it is a perfectly normal struggle for a guy to have. It will be really difficult to break the habit. There is nothing YOU can do though, he has to want to help himself. If he does, probably one of the better things for him to do would be to find a man to be accountable with, someone he is not embarrassed to tell when he messes up. But it needs to be a man.
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Sketcher
Born Imperishable
First, we'll assume that he's not lying. The best (and only) thing for you to do is pray for him. A lot of guys blame girls and what they wear - while some outfits definitely do not help, we need to take responsibility for staring and lusting over what we see. So modifying the way you dress will not help him, because we can lust after girls in sweatshirts and jeans if we want to. You can ask him if there's anything you do in front of him that is immodest and you can stop doing that - if there really is anything.
Do not be the one to keep him accountable. There is too much stuff there that will make it messy. Do find out if he has another Christian man in his life to keep him accountable. Mentor, best friend, anything. Generally, men are the best ones to help out with other men's lust problems because we all suffer from it and we understand the deeper issues that trigger it. Sin hijacks our sex drive and it hijacks our insecurities to create strongholds and getting to the roots here is probably something neither you nor him want to happen. He'd be ashamed to share the stuff with you, and you couldn't take the burden.
Do not be the one to keep him accountable. There is too much stuff there that will make it messy. Do find out if he has another Christian man in his life to keep him accountable. Mentor, best friend, anything. Generally, men are the best ones to help out with other men's lust problems because we all suffer from it and we understand the deeper issues that trigger it. Sin hijacks our sex drive and it hijacks our insecurities to create strongholds and getting to the roots here is probably something neither you nor him want to happen. He'd be ashamed to share the stuff with you, and you couldn't take the burden.
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The thing with finding a mentor and all that jazz is he doesn't see it as being wrong, or a sin. Granted, i haven't pushed the subject very hard yet and i am planning on doing it, but i'm still reading up on the stuff on CF. Since he doesn't really see it as being wrong, i don't think he'd lie about looking at porn.
I, personally, believe that it's wrong to do and is sinning against God, but i have to convince him of it and unfortunately he's so darn smart it can be hard to do. I know you're all going to ask this, yes he is a christian...a liberal (sp?) christian, but still a christian.
Let's see, what else can i tell you...We've been dating for almost 8 months, i met him when he was a freshmen and i was a sophmore and i graduated this year. Umm...what else?
I, personally, believe that it's wrong to do and is sinning against God, but i have to convince him of it and unfortunately he's so darn smart it can be hard to do. I know you're all going to ask this, yes he is a christian...a liberal (sp?) christian, but still a christian.
Let's see, what else can i tell you...We've been dating for almost 8 months, i met him when he was a freshmen and i was a sophmore and i graduated this year. Umm...what else?
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Just as you are not the one to be an accountability partner on this issue, you are not the one to try and persuade him that mastrubation is a sin. Leave that dor a discussion with an older Christian man.
For the record, I do not think that mastrubation is inherently sinful.
For the record, I do not think that mastrubation is inherently sinful.
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KristianJ
What's in a name? Letters...
bliz said:
I'd tend to agree with this and what Leanna said - the most appropriate way to support him is by prayer. It's not up to us to judge the validity of his promise, and I applaud the way that the OP has decided in her own heart to believe her bf and ensure that there's a basis to move on from this.
Also, from a staff perspective, it would be appreciated if the discussion did not turn into a debate regarding masturbation and whether it's a sin or not. There are plenty of threads in other forums where this is discussed and it would be a shame if the thread went down the path of arguing about this issue, where there are certain to be opposing viewpoints. Thanks
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Sketcher
Born Imperishable
Well in that case, there is nothing you can do outside of prayer. As smart as he is, God is smarter and has ways of convicting people. That is what needs to happen. You cannot change him at all. If his liberalism will be a stumbling block to you, then you might as well break up with him because YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.alwayz_remember_Calvery said:
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f U z ! o N
I fall like a sparrow and fly like a kite
you can change people it takes time and patience. if you really care about him stick with him through it and NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM over his liberal views. he is still a christian remember that and not everyone is going to agree with YOUR views.
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Sketcher
Born Imperishable
So many women have dated/married the wrong men because they thought they could change him. Do not be one of those. If his liberalism is not a problem to you, then go ahead but do not expect to conform him into your image. It won't happen. You even said he's too smart for that.
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f U z ! o N
I fall like a sparrow and fly like a kite
im one for giving chances but yeah alot of people won't change. its basically you have to want to change which rarely happens.
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