princess, first this
Your parents did do a terrible thing. They committed terrible sins in the eyes of God. God is filled with anger at these sins. And yes, anger you had towards them would be righteous in that sense.
But I can completely understand why you would not feel/allow anger against them in your own heart. I've been there, it took me a long time to uncover the same truths (and feel the same anger) about my parents.
On the most basic level, you probably are avoiding facing the truth and feeling the anger because when you were little, it was "safer" to believe that your parents were "good" and you were "bad". That way, you wouldn't have to face the terrifying, even crippling idea that the world was incredibly dangerous and you were unprotected. It was easier to believe you were the problem... that way, your parents were "good", and you were safe, in a sense. So of course there is no anger towards them in that sense. Only a longing to be good, a longing to please them.
That is a normal reaction of a little girl in a desperate situation. You were trying to defend yourself against feelings that would have overwhelmed you at the time. A little girl doesn't have the cognitive ability to accept that her parents are perpetrating an evil against her. She just doesn't. So she turns it inward, into shame. And as a result, she feels no anger towards her parents; all her anger is turned against herself, and it surfaces as low self-esteem, self-loathing, or even numbness/denial.
Now you're grown, but suddenly this huge pain has resurfaced... and I suspect the breaking point came when you realised, deep inside, that you were still carrying those beliefs that it was "your fault", even though you are now mature enough to accept things about your parents that you were unable to accept as a little girl. You realise with sudden, sickening clarity that ALL the times you begged another person to love you, you were simply acting something out that never even existed. You weren't bad; they were bad. And so, the work began to try to retrieve yourself, to rebuild a truthful image of yourself and your parents.
And you're right, it's excruciating. It's incredibly, deeply unfair. That's the worst part. Realising you carried all this pain, sabotaged your own life for so long, and are suffering so HUGELY for something that was not your fault
at all. It had
nothing to do with you.
The injustice of it is staggering, literally. I staggered around in shock at it for a long time myself. I also struggled with extremely painful feelings of envy when I came into contact with happy families, or when my in-laws called to speak to my husband, etc. It is hideously unfair to see others loved when you know you never had that luxury. I am concerned about how I will respond to having my own children, because I will struggle with jealousy when my husband is affectionate towards them, etc. and may be tempted to withhold affection from them myself as a response to those feelings. And I felt guilt for all these feelings too.
^ I'm saying all this because I want to show you that these feelings are what you're probably avoiding by not allowing yourself any anger towards your parents. Can you see why that is a natural thing to want to avoid? You're not stupid or abnormal for wanting to avoid this stuff, it's extremely painful. The denial is a natural way for your heart to prepare itself for bearing that pain. The anger will come. Don't feel ashamed for not feeling it right now. The time will come when you can see the truth. It will hurt, but there's life on the other side of this river.
When you find yourself in Hell, keep walking. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me... Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me." God isn't angry with you. Try to separate your image of your parents from your image of God.
God isn't like your parents: He is the perfect Father. He understands every single tiny little thing about you. He knows you completely. He knit you together in your mother's womb... You don't need to fear Him, you only need to run to Him.
I'm thinking of you
princess... I am so sorry all these things happened to you. I wish there was a way to run away. But we have to face the truth if we have hope of being healed. The anger will come, but after that there may be other emotions, and after that, there's peace.
God bless.
Lord, have mercy.
Then to feel condemned for needing to feel anger in the first place. So many whys???
