A four year old Baptist girl was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
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The crumbling, old 1st Baptist church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, a little piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on the rich man's shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, a bigger piece of plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
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Two Mormon church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a Baptist woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
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There was a Baptist church organist whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.
But the Choir Director knew the elderly lady loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged lady approached her final hour. As several congregationalists gathered around her at her bedside, the Pastor asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
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What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new Baptist preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his congregation for the first time. By Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.
He had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:
"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:
"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.
He tried it one more time ... but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and then fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.
"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"
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There once was a rich Baptist man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a Baptist minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
Not a Baptist Joke, but funny anyway!
Moshe was shocked when his son announced he was going to convert from Judaism to Christianity. Distraught, he went to see his friend Herschel.
"Funny you should mention it," said Herschel, "but my son too just told me he was converting from Judaism to Christianity. Come, let's go see the rabbi and ask for advice."
Hurrying to the synagogue, they told the rabbi the problem.
"Funny you should mention it," the clergyman told the men, "but even my son has announced that he's converting from Judaism to Christianity. You know, I'll bet there's something going on here. We'd best talk to God."
Hastening to the sanctuary, the three men folded their hands, and the rabbi said, "Oh, God, all of our sons have forsaken Judaism for Christianity. Tell us what we should do!"
There was a rumbling in the heavens and a voice echoed through the temple. "Funny you should mention it ..... "