Horrible Blasphemous Thoughts.

Peggylynn said:

Hi again,
Thank you for the website and FB information. I will connect to those two. It feels humbling and strange at my age to finally figure out so many things after so long. I am reading through Grantley Morris' great website, which has explained so much to me. I am so glad that I joined this forum. God bless you!

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Mari17 said:

I agree, it's strange to actually learn about our disorder and how to handle it after being confused and troubled by it for so long! But it's great because there's a lot of hope for living victoriously over it! Feel free to pm me anytime as well!

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Peggylynn said:

I don't know how to maneuver through the CF yet. How do i pm you here? I had a good day yesterday, listening to David Suchet reading the Bible and Tim Keller preaching while I sewed my mittens that I make from felted sweaters. I'm not good at staying with it. I read several pages from Grantley that helped me tremendously; as well as your much shorter, but effective explanation. I didn't realize that you have it, too. Not so good this evening. I watched a movie at home with my husband, and then wasted time online. I feel so condemned if I am not reading the Bible all the time, every minute. But, I told God that my free time belongs to Him. I want to love Jesus supremely, but need to escape sometimes. so, as a result, here they come, those nasty, condemning thoughts, and the guilt that follows, and me, wondering if I can ever be forgiven, and if I have gone too far. Slippery slope kind of thing. For crying out loud, I'm 62 years old, and have been a Christian for decades. I should be leading others, and using my time wisely. Instead, I get on the hamster wheel again. I rarely am in the same room with my husband. I listen online while I sew, and he either reads or watches Fox in another room. So, I thought I'd share a movie with him. Anyway, it's just another incident in a long line.
Sin. So small, so many excuses. Hey, thanks, have a great Thanksgiving! Here are the holidays once again!

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Mari17 said:

I believe you can click my name and "Start a conversation" to send a private message. Yes, I have had OCD since I was about eight, with many different themes. I think the whole thing is a learning process, our whole lives. I've had times that I feel like I've mostly overcome it, and then I get hit again and realize that I'm still not immune to it. I had a recent episode that was pretty intense. But, by the grace of God, and through using different techniques to "stand up to it," it is possible to experience quite a bit of victory. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with lots of happy moments and not much guilt.

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Peggylynn said:

Hi dear sister,
I had a couple really bad days, but keep the worship music on (Gospel Hymn Sing is marvelous) and the audio Bible and teaching on. Grantley Morris' excellent site has many pages, all clarifying the situation to me, and teaching me patiently over and over about God's love through Jesus' atoning sacrifice- keeping me grounded in reality. I gain so much encouragement through your replies to me. I am not alone, and Jesus never ever leaves me. I would like to know what you have learned about life and God's love through your battle. Knowing that I am not a blasphemer but a fighter has really helped. My Thanksgiving was great, how was yours? I thank you for your love in Christ. God bless your day. ps. are you able to function, as in a job, without it overtaking your thoughts? The distraction of work really helps me. How about you? I have been very very underemployed for months now, and that anxiety made it worse. Ok, have a great day! I would like to hear about the techniques that you mentioned.

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Peggylynn said:

Hi, Mari17,
I had suffered from these thoughts from March of 1980 to probably early 2000s. Had anyone told me that it would last so long, or that Jesus would reveal His love for me in the ways He did during that period- I would not believe them. I can relate so well to all the sufferers, and thought I was the only one out there suffering like that. After many years, I was suddenly free, and so free for so long that I actually could not remember what the torment was like. Recently, though, it has returned with a vengeance. Your response, according to all that I have read about OCD, the thoughts, and the spiritual concern and agony that the writers have expressed; makes tremendous sense, and is calming, comforting, and reasonable. The love for Christ that these dear ones have, their concern for their salvation and for His Name to remain holy in their minds, shows they want to walk in their salvation, just like me. Just understanding that these thoughts are illogical and nonsensical doesn't help, because they don't stop. Dr Dobson said once it's like being on a merry go round that you can't get off, but that we don't have to let these thoughts control us. That sank in, and helped, too. What you said will help me, and will help others, too. Keeping our minds focused on the Word, listening to audio Bible and great teaching, (Tim Keller and Ravi Zacharias by the hour for me) memorizing scriptures, staying with truth, worship music- all help. But what you said about ignoring the thoughts is crucial. We stand in Christ because of what He did for us, not because of what we do for Him. I did take Prozac for over eight years, and agree that the cause of OCD is chemical in some cases. I learned three things after those 30 years, and remember them now- 1. The Holy Spirit in us is like a pilot light in a gas stove. It may be small and hidden away, but it never goes out. Jesus is like that. He never, ever leaves us. 2. The Word of God is in black and white. No matter what our minds are screaming at us, no matter how bad the headaches get, those words never change. 3. God knows your name. His love is everlasting. He hears us, He sees us, He has only grace, love, and mercy for us. 1 John assures us that He is greater than our heart. I used to wonder, how could God ever use what I went through to help others? Now I know. Romans 5:1 says, Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through Whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we stand. Peace! I thought I would never know what that was like. But, all of you fellow sufferers, you will know, you can know. It can come. Get help from a counselor if needed, and know that there is nothing that can separate you from God's love. Jesus wore a crown of thorns that pressed into His skull, perhaps representing His suffering for those with mental torment. Cutters get their own story too, in Mark 5, the poor man was crying and cutting himself with stones. I had written in the margin at that place, "I know how he felt," but Jesus came, and set him free. OH, Jesus loves us so much!

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Robin8898 said:

Hey guys, after reading these posts I wanted to share my story of God and Jesus and my experience with dealing with constant terrible thoughts. I was about 25 years old, when a conviction was placed in my heart to turn to God. At that point I wanted to know God and form a relationship with him. I had remembered reading the old testament, and I got this terrible feeling of fear, which I struggled with for at least a couple of months of hearing things that would constantly talk bad about God, I even thought I was actually hearing voices. At this time I was very obstinate for not asking for help, thinking that it would be the wrong thing to do. I wanted the relationship with God, and I didnt care whether God gave me anything other than himself. It wasnt until one night after I had endured constant negative thoughts, hallucinations, and just nonstop fear of doing wrong things, that I turned to God and asked him for help. That same night, god helped me through my brother in law and sister, who had a sit down with me and talked to me about there being some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain which was induced by the stress and worry that I dealt with for months because of those thoughts. It changed me. God had answered my prayer that night, and most of it was taken away. I lived my life as normally as I could, but I still struggled with nonstop thoughts, thinking that it was because of my relationship with God that was causing it. I later started realizing I thought I had something called schizophrenia. I turned away from God about 2 years ago, because those thoughts started creeping back up into my mind, I said I was sorry and cried and I left. Now, during this time I met a man, and i started turning to lustful things, and he consumed every thought of my mind, and eventually I started having hallucinations and heavy thoughts because of him. At this time, everything else in my life started falling apart, the life I had built for myself, that was solely independent, started to crumble, and my relationship with him dissolved as well. I was even starting to get bullied by people at my job. and then I started to fear people so much to the point that I even started shaking around just random strangers, and couldn't even look them in the eye. After my relationship with that guy fell through, I thought I would take it upon myself to fix my own problems, so I started trying to fix my life by myself. Needless to say that didn't work either. I still lived with fear every day. It wasn't until God pulled me towards him that things started to change. He put this feeling in my heart and mind, that made me believe and know he would take care of me. I didnt do anything, I just believed that he would help me. I knew. He took that fear away again. And oddly enough, after me turning away he found me again. He loved me that he pulled me back to him. I dont know why he did it, but he did. In the end i think what I wanted to say was that through all of this Is that God controls everything, and he is the sweetest most kind being ever. Literally he is as innocent as a child, he doesnt wabt you to fear things, he wants you to know and believe he will be there to take them away. You just have to believe and know. He will never fail you, ever! Look at a child, that is God. That loving of a being is who our father is! Everything else in this world, all those wretched thoughts about worrying are useless. They are useless. He has you right in the palm of his hand. And he wont let you go. Ever.

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Robin8898 said:

Hey guys, after reading these posts I wanted to share my story of God and Jesus and my experience with dealing with constant terrible thoughts. I was about 25 years old, when a conviction was placed in my heart to turn to God. At that point I wanted to know God and form a relationship with him. I had remembered reading the old testament, and I got this terrible feeling of fear, which I struggled with for at least a couple of months of hearing things that would constantly talk bad about God, I even thought I was actually hearing voices. At this time I was very obstinate for not asking for help, thinking that it would be the wrong thing to do. I wanted the relationship with God, and I didnt care whether God gave me anything other than himself. It wasnt until one night after I had endured constant negative thoughts, hallucinations, and just nonstop fear of doing wrong things, that I turned to God and asked him for help. That same night, god helped me through my brother in law and sister, who had a sit down with me and talked to me about there being some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain which was induced by the stress and worry that I dealt with for months because of those thoughts. It changed me. God had answered my prayer that night, and most of it was taken away. I lived my life as normally as I could, but I still struggled with nonstop thoughts, thinking that it was because of my relationship with God that was causing it. I later started realizing I thought I had something called schizophrenia. I turned away from God about 2 years ago, because those thoughts started creeping back up into my mind, I said I was sorry and cried and I left. Now, during this time I met a man, and i started turning to lustful things, and he consumed every thought of my mind, and eventually I started having hallucinations and heavy thoughts because of him. At this time, everything else in my life started falling apart, the life I had built for myself, that was solely independent, started to crumble, and my relationship with him dissolved as well. I was even starting to get bullied by people at my job. and then I started to fear people so much to the point that I even started shaking around just random strangers, and couldn't even look them in the eye. After my relationship with that guy fell through, I thought I would take it upon myself to fix my own problems, so I started trying to fix my life by myself. Needless to say that didn't work either. I still lived with fear every day. It wasn't until God pulled me towards him that things started to change. He put this feeling in my heart and mind, that made me believe and know he would take care of me. I didnt do anything, I just believed that he would help me. I knew. He took that fear away again. And oddly enough, after me turning away he found me again. He loved me that he pulled me back to him. I dont know why he did it, but he did. In the end i think what I wanted to say was that through all of this Is that God controls everything, and he is the sweetest most kind being ever. Literally he is as innocent as a child, he doesnt wabt you to fear things, he wants you to know and believe he will be there to take them away. You just have to believe and know. He will never fail you, ever! Look at a child, that is God. That loving of a being is who our father is! Everything else in this world, all those wretched thoughts about worrying are useless. They are useless. He has you right in the palm of his hand. And he wont let you go. Ever.

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