Hopeless, please help me

Hi there, I'm here after a blasphemous thought about God, Jesus and the holy spirit, that I was trying not to let through or think deeper about for about a year, ended up in my head anyway.
My intrusive thoughts always gets worse in isolation so of course after almost two months of being in quarantine, they started to get worse.
This thought was something bad that was always on the edge of my mind but to really think the thought I had to let it in and think about it for a second(I don't want to describe it).
And I'd say a year of avoiding that today I just was weak.
I can't help but feel that I should've fought harder to keep the thought out, and the fact that i needed to think about it for a second myself to really complete the thought means I also had influence on it.
After most of my bad thoughts I felt guilt, i felt fear, I was shivering, and I kept needing to hit myself to keep more thoughts from coming in.
But after this thought went into my head, I felt numb, I don't feel like amount of guilt that I want to feel.
Have I lost God? Have I really commited the unforgivable sin?
Is it over? What is even the point of living then? I don't want it to be over.
I'm still not a full christain because for the last 4 years I've been in constant doubt about God's existence but I never truly abandoned God and have always stayed away from blasphemous things in media for example. But this scared me, this is terrifying, please someone talk to me, I don't know what to do.

I find it hard to look into my heart for my true intentions, what if I only worry about it because of fear of going to hell, and not because I truly care about losing God? I wish I could feel connected to God but no matter how much I pray and beg, I feel nothing and I fear it's because my intentions aren't pure, and that I don't want the fear of going to hell, and not really a relationship with God. Why am I becoming more numb?

Ricky M said:

As long as you are worried about it, you needn't be worried about it.

IOW, if and when someone truly blasphemes the Holy Spirit to the point of salvation lost, they won't care about it anyway.

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I find it hard to look into my heart for my true intentions, what if I only worry about it because of fear of going to hell, and not because I truly care about losing God? I wish I could feel connected to God but no matter how much I pray and beg, I feel nothing and I fear it's because my intentions aren't pure, and that I don't want the fear of going to hell, and not really a relationship with God. Why am I becoming more numb? (Sorry, i posted this twice, the first time was supposed to be a response to you)

SarahsKnight said:

It's not your fault, CurlyCurl. You have to realize this. God is not so cruel or sadistic so as to hold you accountable for thoughts that you clearly do not want or treasure (although of course the ocd-type fear that is produced in these times might cause you to worry that your thoughts are "for real", that secretly somehow in your heart you really are a God-hater and were condemned all along or something). It's a trick of the human mind, nothing more, and God knows you better than that. He knows you don't want these thoughts and that you are distressed.

But the more you fear the thoughts, the more you fear condemnation because of them, or at least feel afraid of them happening, then the more the thoughts will persist in your head and cause you this misery. It is a cruel trap, I know.






No, it isn't over. And don't you dare ponder taking your own life because of this. If I was strong enough to survive such a time of trial as the one you are going through, then so are you. I know it may sound easy for me to talk, and my saying so certainly won't be a magic wand that magically cures you of your problems, but I assure you I went through this same kind of problem with ocd fear over bad thoughts for an agonizing eight months and so have many others on this very site for unfortunately far longer periods of time longer than that, and I pray that God will get you through it as well. He does not want you to take your own life, regardless of whether the doctrine of eternal torment in hell is true or not (and it isn't true, in my opinion; there's actually little to zero evidence for it in Scripture regardless of what traditional teaching claims - it is just that it is the traditional teaching of what happens to humans after they lose their lives on Earth, that they immediately go to a heaven of eternal bliss or a hell of eternal torment to live forever after Earthly death, and tradition does not immediately equal Biblical correctness).

Besides, to supplement @Ricky M 's above post, it seems to me that if you truly had done or thought something unforgivable, to where Jesus has cast you away no matter what from here on out, that if anyone has actually committed an unforgivable sin, then it would seem pointless for God to allow them to live for long at all after the fact. For instance, if you were truly unforgivable and forever condemned no matter what happens later in your life, then why would God allow you to keep living on Earth, doing nothing but badly influencing others in the world who still have "a chance" at salvation with your evil/sin? When there's no good that can possibly come out of it for yourself because His judgment of you as an unbeliever is sealed? Just my own personal logic there, mind you, as nothing in the Bible as far as I know really says anything about how long an irreversibly condemned person, who is somehow completely out of the running for receiving salvation from Christ, is allowed to live on after committing the unforgivable sin.

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Thank you for your kind words. The night before it happens I was begging to God to help me not get this thought into my head, and I had to fight it really hard to keep the thought out, I even had to sleep with a video playing next to me head so i wouldn't be able to think.
But it happened anyway, I didn't fight the thought hard enough.
This thought that I promised I'd never let through, the thought I've been fighting for so long, got in my head anyway.
And the guilt that i was expecting to feel didn't come.
I've been able to handle the intrusive thoughts better and I found comfort once I realized feeling guilt about it was a good thing. Everytime a gross thought came into my head, I felt horrible and was able to find comfort in finding the thought horrible.
So that's why I don't understand that now this thought got into my mind, why I an not feeling the intense guilt that is supposed to make me feel so bad I wanna smash my head against a wall, while in actuality its making me feel nothing. I feel numb, as if nothing happened):

Bee22 said:

Look up backdoor spike.

This video might help you.
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This does help, thank you

SarahsKnight said:

I too felt at times that I would gladly do something to cause myself physical pain if that could just somehow override all thoughts in my mind, good or bad, any thoughts period, so that none of the bad thoughts could get through.


But look, you don't need to prove to God that you felt guilt over the bad thoughts; He already knows that they aren't the real you. Besides, even if you somehow did need to prove to God that you feel guilt for them, you've already established in the past that you don't want or embrace the bad thoughts, right? Because they already naturally made you feel guilty. Just because you felt "numbness" this time doesn't make any indication that you somehow changed sides this time from good to evil, or from saved to unsaved, or from God-loving to God-hating. You probably only felt numb this time because by now the problem with bad thoughts and the fear of them coming to mind is exhausting to you, anyway.

The more you fear the bad thoughts, the more likely they will come. The more you "fight" the thought, the more likely it is to "break through", as you said that you had been fighting against. Again, God knows better; He does not require you to fight the thoughts from coming so intently just to prove the veracity of your salvation status or anything, especially since the way the biology of the human brain naturally works is simply not going to allow you to win that fight. I tell you not to ever think about a pink elephant doing ballet or God will immediately condemn you as an unbeliever to the second death ..... do you really think that upon reading that sentence that, no matter how hard you might "fight" to not let the image of that pink elephant get all the way through your mind, that the thought of the elephant will not eventually come to mind, despite my threat of hell just now as a consequence for thinking it? Shoot, I'd say that 100 to 1 odds are that you thought of the elephant immediately, automatically upon reading the sentence where I mentioned it, much less were you able to go more than a few minutes without thinking it.

You can't keep getting scared of the bad thoughts when they come, or you'll just keep feeling such surges of emotion when they happen that you'll keep making yourself miserable with guilt, confusion, and worry over your status as a saved child of God. Again, God already knows that the thoughts distressed you, and that you certainly do not embrace the blasphemous thoughts against Him, Jesus Christ, or the Holy Spirit as good, so you don't need to prove anything to Him by fighting the thoughts. Just pray, calmly, and with regard to Him not as a stern Father who is eager to punish you but a good God Who loves you and suffers with you through all of this, that He will take the bad thoughts away in time, and that they will no longer distress you. And when they DO come, just be aware that God knows you better and He is not going to abandon you over them just for coming to mind. It is easier said than done to put all that I have suggested into action, I know that, but still.

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Thank you so much for your messages and listening to me, I really appreciate it, and I apologize for dumping all my desperate mess on here. I'm just in a really dark place right now

I'm upset that my intrusive thoughts don't feel that foreign, all the blasphemous thoughts seem to be derived from media I've consumed and stuff that I would be able to think of myself, regardless of me wanting these thoughts, I'm scared of the fact that my brain keeps making up these bad thoughts, it doesn't feel like a outside force.
Do you guys have that too? That your intrusive thoughts have themes of things you know or for examples movies you've seen?

And I'm not sure I've really explained it well but I'm in a weird position with my belief.
I was raised a little bit religious but around 11 stopped believing because I just simply didn't think it made sense anymore, and around the time was 16 I became hyperobsessed over the world ending with made me think about God again and my fate if I were to die.
Which made be think about Christianity again, which lead to me getting the intrusive blasphemous thoughts.
I won't deny that my motivation to come to God was all derived from fear.
Which made me miserable.
I can't help but often feel like I really don't believe in God in anymore but my OCD latched on to it so I can't step away from it.
Since 2016, I've been in this constant pattern of when I'm in isolation I start having more thoughts about religion and therefore more compulsions and intrusive thoughts and I'll try to pray to God and get closer to him But I never feel anything, and then after I get out of isolation I moslty stop being involved in religion because it keeps making me so miserable and depressed, to the point of really wishing i wasn't alive.
Because I feel in order to be able to believe In God I need to feel God, and In order to be closer to God, i need to step away from my sins but i dont know what of my behaviours are sins, my OCD can't differentiate sinfull behaviours or my OCD thinking everything is a sin. Its so miserable, and I also can't help but love my lifestyle, I love my friends and my hobbies like making art and animations and watching shows and movies, and thinking of leaving all that behind makes me miserable even though I know a Christian needs to put the love for the world behind them.

Thoughts of hell and so many people including the people I love going there makes me miserable too, I hope annihilationism is true but unless i know it is true for 100%, I can't stop worrying about it.
I've always had that hard relationship with God, I remember as a child constantly being scared of God and thinking God was angry with me. Even though my mother tought me God was loving, i made those things up myself. I suffered from intrusive thoughts that I tried to fight back then too. Even when I was like 7 years old.

I don't know why I'm not like others who finally find happiness when finding religion, while it seems to make me so depressed I can't even describe it.
If God exists, I don't think I've even really known God and Jesus yet.
When I think of having a future where i have close relationship with God, that does spark some positive and hopefull emotion in me which gives me hope. But you know OCD, the fear of having lost my path to God cant stop nagging at your mind.
It's really hard to explain.
As you can see, it's kinda a mess haha.