Hopeful but concerned...

[simpleliving]

Hi there! To introduce myself... I am newly divorced and single mom to three minor children, two girls and a boy ages 12-16. Also my two adult daughters ages 22 and 20 live with me as well. I was married for 23 years and during that time did a lot of the parenting on my own anyway. I had hoped and prayed that the marriage would hold together until the youngest was older. Sadly, sexual addiction had taken him from us a long time ago in so many ways. Actually, things have significantly improved in our home since he left. I have more emotional energy for the kids and our environment is much improved. Still I know that statistics show that single moms have a below average lifespan and the statistics for children who go through the divorce of their parents are disturbing. Any advice on what I can do to lessen the impact for them and to be prudent about my own well being. Any thoughts at all on being a single mom is very much appreciated. I'll read the older threads as well to glean what I can. Thanks!

 

[IamStefanie]

I am currently a single mom of growing young man (he is currently 11 years old). And, in my opinion, statistics are just that. But God is God. And in my house, He has been very faithful. I would like my son to have a good, strong male role model on a regular, but I'd rather for it to be just us than to have a lot of discord in the house. And the fact that you said you are more emotionally available for your children speaks volumes! Trust God with your family, He will move in ways that will exceed statistics!

 

[simpleliving]

Thank you Stefanie for the encouragement and taking the time to reply! You are right! I just want to do all I can but I know God will take care of us! He has been very faithful to us as well!

 

[ElleR]

I don't have a lot of great advice but wanted to give you a hug & say I understand how scary this can be. I've been divorced for almost 6 years & my children were young when we got divorced. I will say they can now tell me with clarity how much they prefer being away from their dad. He is emotionally destructive. I have them both in counseling & try hard to trust God will shelter them. It is difficult though not to worry.

I still struggle with being alone, but I was actually alone in my marriage anyway, it was just an illusion. I have had to allow myself to mourn the loss of the dream of an intact family & the dream of being loved by my spouse for the rest of our lives. But no matter how hard it is I am still glad to be free of the control & cruelty & glad my children are free from the daily belittling & taunting. God bless you as you enter this new stage in life.

 

[simpleliving]

Thank you! Your reply came at the perfect time as it has been a very difficult week and so much of what you wrote spoke directly to the difficulties. I can relate so much with your experience. God is so good! Blessings!

 

[ElleR]

I'm glad I was able to help in some way. I find I still have many ups & downs. I was fortunate, in an odd way, that by the time we got divorced I had little emotional attachment left to my spouse. He had worn that down through years of verbal abuse & emotional control & after I had my kids & he started in on them any hope I had of rekindling those feelings was totally squashed. So I didn't have a feeling a loss in regard to him, but the dream of what I had.

Being a parent is hard work & doing it alone is one of the most stressful jobs ever IMO. I will pray for you today!

 

[blackribbon]

My parents got divorced when I was 13. My mom struggled but gave us a good life. The only thing I really wish she had done was actually take time to listen to what I had to say. I remember telling her my life story when we were riding in the car...only to find out that she had tuned me out and wasn't really listening to me...so I quit talking to her about the stuff that was important to me.

Since my husband died and I've become a single mom myself, I understand that she was probably just overwhelmed and tired...but I also make it a priority to really listen to my kids when they prattle in the car. I really learn a lot by listening...and the few times where I realized that I had tuned them out for whatever reason, I make it a point to look them in the eye and apologize that I haven't been listening...tell them I hope they will forgive me and share again...or tell them that I really do want to hear what they have to say, but I can't concentrate right now...but promise to later..and Do follow through on asking about the topic at a later date.

 

[simpleliving]

Thank you ElleR for the prayer today as I needed it.

I agree that it is so important to for them to know they are being listened to! Thanks for the reminder blackribbon.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

My advice would be to foster and nurture the relationship your children have with their father and don't hinder it by bad-mouthing him or otherwise. Just because two people don't get along it doesn't mean that their children shouldn't have the fair shot at having a relationship with both parents.

 

[simpleliving]

dsrohe, Under most circumstances you would be correct. If our divorce had been because we didn't get along I would agree 100%, unfortunately the children's dad has abandoned his role as a father. Sadly, it's not always feasible or possible to nurture a relationship with a man who has been emotionally and often physically absent for their entire lives. That is not my job that is his. At this point he has to get court approved addiction treatment and anger management before he can see them unsupervised and he is showing little if any interest in being a father. I have done all I know to do to encourage him and to let him know how much he is hurting them by not contacting them and getting the help he needs. I can't make him do anything. He has made his choices and the children and counselors are responding accordingly in the best interest of the children.

 

[PrincessWarrior30]

God knows each person intimately and knows our situation completely. It must have been pretty hard for you. I want to give you a nice hug. May you find comfort under his wings, and I believe that you will get through this, because He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Children long for a fatherly love. I was deprived of this since I was a child, and that's why I sought for protection and security to my previous boyfriends. One thing I've learned from this experience is, the love of a Father has an impact to the child's growth where they find protection, security and acceptance.

However, in your situation, the best thing to do is lead all your children to God's love. Teach his ways and meditate his words with your children. The moment they find their security and protection to Big Daddy God; his love will comfort them, that no matter how passive their earthly father was in the relationship; the love of God secures them.

I pray that you and your children will grow in love with the Lord everyday.

A promise from the Lord, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

You are victorious.

 

[simpleliving]

Thank you very much PrincessWarrior30 for the encouragement! I'm so sorry that you dealt with that growing up. It is a very difficult thing for children to deal with abandonment or lack of parenting by their father and all too common. I've been giving them resources suggested by the counselor about healing the daddy wounds. I pray they will seek God in their pain. So often we turn to things or unhealthy relationships as a way to cope and end up causing more pain. You are so right! God bless you!!! Thanks again for taking the time to post an encouraging word!