I lost my beautiful baby boy Jack just 8 weeks ago. It came as a complete shock.
I have spent all of these weeks feeling completely lost and hurt. I am struggling to know how i move forward knowing I will never get to watch my baby boy grow. Reading all the different comments on this forum and others the feelings i have are the same as everyone elses. I struggle to see a pregnant woman, walk past the nursery or see a small child without my heart feeling like it is going to break.
I have also felt incredibly angry with God for allowing this to happen. I know he has the power to have saved Jack or prevent it from happening. This has called my faith and my relationship with God into question. However I am trying incredibly hard to rebuild it because without God what hope is there.
I am trying to trust God. I know he is in control of my life and that he will guide me through. I may hate the plan he has for me right now and be struggling with it. Deep down I know that he will be my by side and that he will give me the strength to do it. I know this because of what he has already done in the last 8 weeks. His hand has to be on the situation. For example he saved my life. Jack died due to severe pre-ecalamsia, this also caused me to loose a great deal of blood. I should not have survived but I did. He has also healed me as I have no lasting damage whhich I should have.
Like others I long for the day when I will have another child. However I am trying to put a time frame on it. God doesn't work that way, everything has to be in his time. He knows the beginning from the end and knows how everything fits together. Therefore only he knows what the good is in the situation. Please do not mis-understand writing this is much easier than believing it. I have to work at this everyday. But i have to believe. I fear that God's plan for me is to have no children. I do not want this at all, i want children. But i know that God will give me the strength to face the path i have before me.
Everyday I struggle with the fact that Jack is not here, that I have to rebuild my life knowing he will never be a living part of it. Instead I have to carry him in my heart. I try whenever i feel consumed by my grief to hold onto the fact that he is in heaven, safe in the arms of Jesus'. This is not what I would have chosen but at least he will never have to face the pain and suffereing in this world like the rest of us. He is in the place where we all want to go. He was just a little impatient and didn't want to wait. He is in the best place. I still would prefer him to be in my arms but I have to try and be selfless and let him go to out father. I will hold in tightly in my heart!
I apologise for going on and on but I pray that something that I have said will give someone somewhere the hope that I have desperately fought to get over the last 8 weeks. It is a dark path that I am on and know I have a long way to go. But there are small stars of light above me, guiding me. Each one is a beam of hope
xx
I have spent all of these weeks feeling completely lost and hurt. I am struggling to know how i move forward knowing I will never get to watch my baby boy grow. Reading all the different comments on this forum and others the feelings i have are the same as everyone elses. I struggle to see a pregnant woman, walk past the nursery or see a small child without my heart feeling like it is going to break.
I have also felt incredibly angry with God for allowing this to happen. I know he has the power to have saved Jack or prevent it from happening. This has called my faith and my relationship with God into question. However I am trying incredibly hard to rebuild it because without God what hope is there.
I am trying to trust God. I know he is in control of my life and that he will guide me through. I may hate the plan he has for me right now and be struggling with it. Deep down I know that he will be my by side and that he will give me the strength to do it. I know this because of what he has already done in the last 8 weeks. His hand has to be on the situation. For example he saved my life. Jack died due to severe pre-ecalamsia, this also caused me to loose a great deal of blood. I should not have survived but I did. He has also healed me as I have no lasting damage whhich I should have.
Like others I long for the day when I will have another child. However I am trying to put a time frame on it. God doesn't work that way, everything has to be in his time. He knows the beginning from the end and knows how everything fits together. Therefore only he knows what the good is in the situation. Please do not mis-understand writing this is much easier than believing it. I have to work at this everyday. But i have to believe. I fear that God's plan for me is to have no children. I do not want this at all, i want children. But i know that God will give me the strength to face the path i have before me.
Everyday I struggle with the fact that Jack is not here, that I have to rebuild my life knowing he will never be a living part of it. Instead I have to carry him in my heart. I try whenever i feel consumed by my grief to hold onto the fact that he is in heaven, safe in the arms of Jesus'. This is not what I would have chosen but at least he will never have to face the pain and suffereing in this world like the rest of us. He is in the place where we all want to go. He was just a little impatient and didn't want to wait. He is in the best place. I still would prefer him to be in my arms but I have to try and be selfless and let him go to out father. I will hold in tightly in my heart!
I apologise for going on and on but I pray that something that I have said will give someone somewhere the hope that I have desperately fought to get over the last 8 weeks. It is a dark path that I am on and know I have a long way to go. But there are small stars of light above me, guiding me. Each one is a beam of hope
xx