Ok all of my life my mother has mentally and emotionally abused me. I grew thinking I was completely worthless. Right now she is again mad at me a won't talk to me (this happens alot) and after a while she "comes around" and wants me back in her life, but here's the thing all though I have forgiven her and hold no grudges when she is out of my life I am so happy and life is great. So here is my question when she does come around is it ok for me to not be a part of her life or is that against the commandment?
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Honoring Mother and Father
- Thread starter UpTheWaterfall
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Ill tell you, I used to hate my father, he would come home drunk and he would be the center of each fight in our family. It even came to a couple times where I hated him so much I nearly killed him. Very disturbing to say but its sadly true and that is what our flesh can do, instead listen to God. Meditate on His words because they helped me so much, my connection with my father is so much better that I do not judge him but I learned to love him authentically and see what his real needs are.
Have you asked God to look inside your heart? To see what is wrong in you even if you do not see it.
Trust me, do not give up. She is only going to try to wear you down, do not let her. Instead pray for her. Whenever you face someone difficult in your life, pray for them.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple-Jesus (Luke 14:26)
For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. HEBREWS 4:12
Have you asked God to look inside your heart? To see what is wrong in you even if you do not see it.
Trust me, do not give up. She is only going to try to wear you down, do not let her. Instead pray for her. Whenever you face someone difficult in your life, pray for them.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple-Jesus (Luke 14:26)
For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. HEBREWS 4:12
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Thank you so much that has truly helped me. We have had this type of relationship for so long I guess I need to look at myself and not just her. Please pray for me and my mom. Thank you and God Bless!
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The Hebrew word used for "honor" means to "weigh heavily." People assume that means we need to obey everything, but it should be a more mature sense of responsibility and consideration.
If you are an adult, then you would want to think about what your mother would need as a human being -- is she sheltered, fed, does she have a plan for surviving after retirement... those are things that family members take responsibility to check on.
You do not necessarily need to support her, or stay on a schedule, or do everything she wants.
As Phil said, many parents are less than ideal. Huge numbers have serious addictions. Think about Old Testament stories you've read -- people had addictions and vices and abusive actions back then too.
I think this is why there's a law on considering parents -- because parents can push the limits of what kids can tolerate. The Bible does not say we need to obey junkies or rapists who are relatives. "Weigh heavily" is fair... it makes sure someone is looking out for most people.
If you are an adult, then you would want to think about what your mother would need as a human being -- is she sheltered, fed, does she have a plan for surviving after retirement... those are things that family members take responsibility to check on.
You do not necessarily need to support her, or stay on a schedule, or do everything she wants.
As Phil said, many parents are less than ideal. Huge numbers have serious addictions. Think about Old Testament stories you've read -- people had addictions and vices and abusive actions back then too.
I think this is why there's a law on considering parents -- because parents can push the limits of what kids can tolerate. The Bible does not say we need to obey junkies or rapists who are relatives. "Weigh heavily" is fair... it makes sure someone is looking out for most people.
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D
dies-l
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I have been through this very struggle. My mother has serious mental illness (borderline personality disorder, we think, combined with Münchhausen syndrome), which causes her to behave very similarly to what you describe. Among other things, she is very manipulative. A few years ago, my pastor warned me that, if I tolerated her conduct, she would treat my wife and children (when I have them) the same way. I ultimately decided that I owe it to my wife and future children to protect them from her. So, for now, I don't maintain contact with her.
I don't have any resentments toward her, and I have forgiven her. In fact, it is the fact that I have forgiven her and that I do care about her that allows me to be at peace about the choices I have made. If you care to talk in more detail, feel free to PM me.
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We're all so messed up, when you think about it.
Try letting her get what she wants -- I'd guess you have probably had days where you tried to repair things and restore communications.
When she wants to patch things up, don't be gullible. But also remember that God takes us back thousands of times, and it is with this grace that we can bring emotional healing into people's lives.
Be clear about your terms, and don't let your emotions get swayed. How she feels about you, should not control how you feel about yourself. You shouldn't need to spend much time and energy fussing over her emotional ups and downs.
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E.C.
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Honor your mother because she's your mother. That is different from honoring her due to personality and/or virtue.
I've not had a good relationship with my mother for the very same reasons, but I ended it long ago by leaving her house to live with my father and stepmom when I was fourteen. At the time, my mother behaved a lot like that with an episode of physical abuse every now and again; however, six years later she's calmed down significantly. What helped me was not talking to her and instead talking to our grandmother whom my mother listens to as if she were speaking Gospel truth. Over the years my grandmother has worked with my mother to get her to calm down, so we'll talk over the phone every now and then. It takes time and a great deal of patience, prayer and forgiveness. Sometimes we need to be separate from people to learn how to properly act towards and appreciate them.
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E.C. that sounds so much like my situation it has turned physical a few times. The only difference is my Grandmother she hates her Mom and the whole family, she tries to manipulate everyone around her and when they do not do as she wishes she turns on them with anger. I have prayed about this alot and I feel a break and maybe even some counseling on how to deal with this type of situation will be very helpful. Thank you for your advice. God Bless You!
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E.C.
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Counseling will help a lot. Like my priest has tried to teach me for years, "There are some things you just can't change about <insert name here>."
Just remember to also pray for her because it sounds like she needs it.
Just remember to also pray for her because it sounds like she needs it.
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blessedmomof5
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I can understand where you are coming from and have looked to the Bible for my help......
for me it is both my parents, narcissict(sp) both of them, guilt trips, mad at me and stopped talking to me for mths or yrs. where i thought it must be me...But you know what? thats there stuff, nothing i can do or say can change that. Thats there stuff, do i love them YES, do i like the way the behave and do i have to accept it? NO......
I set boundries.
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
for me it is both my parents, narcissict(sp) both of them, guilt trips, mad at me and stopped talking to me for mths or yrs. where i thought it must be me...But you know what? thats there stuff, nothing i can do or say can change that. Thats there stuff, do i love them YES, do i like the way the behave and do i have to accept it? NO......
I set boundries.
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
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dies-l
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And, I have found that sometimes setting boundaries requires that I be willing to set aside the relationship in order to protect myself and my family if necessary. It is a horrible thing to cut off contact with one's parent, but I have found it to be necessary in my case. For the OP, I pray that there is a less severe solution to the problem she is having, but what I have found is that many times highly manipulative do not understand consequences until they have to face them head on.
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After much prayer and thought I believe it is best for the protection of myself and my children (whom she has said awful things to) I am going to stay away. I love my mom but I do not love how she hurts me and I do not want to see her hurt my children. Please pray for my mom she really has alot of issues that only God can help her through.
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