Honestly....did I overreact?

[searle29678]

My husband had a bad habit until a few months back of waiting until I was asleep and leaving the house. I didn't find out until my best friend called me at work and told me that Robert had called her and her boyfrend at 1am to take him to a friends house and drop him off and he had done it more than once. He told her I knew about it everytime she asked about me, but she was suspicious. I got really mad about it not just because he left but because if something had happened to him and he wasn't home when I woke up I would have had no idea where to even begin looking for him to make sure he was ok.
Yesterday when I got off work, I had to go to Wal Mart and he just refused to go with me...this morning I wake up and he has Wal-Mart bags all through the house. I asked him if he went to Wal-Mart and he said no. He actually lied knowing that I had all the receipts and evidence in my hand. Anyway, I got really upset. One, because he wouldn't go with me to help get groceries that afternoon but he would go at midnight with his buddies. Two, because if something happened to him I would have no idea and he doesn't seem to care about that aspect at all.
It really makes me angry that he sneaks while I'm asleep. What else does he get away with while I'm asleep? Did I overreact over this?

 

[Southern Cross]

No. Your husband is just dead wrong in doing this. From comments you've made in past posts, he seems to want freedom to do as he pleases. There comes a time when the man has got to start thinking as a married man vs. thinking as a married man who wants to be single some of the time.

 

[fairyshyone]

I would be upset if it was my husband doing this.

 

[Yitzchak]

I don't think that you over reacted. You have every right to be upset. However , where do you go from here? You are justified in being upset but your being upset obviously is not enough to get your husband to change his behavior. If the cycle continues and you keep getting upset , that is bound to lead to problems.

I am not sure what the solution is but I will pray for you about it. It would be wise to somehow break the cycle of him doing it and you getting upset before that leads to resentment in both of you.

 

[searle29678]

He knows that I don't want him smoking marijuana anymore and I think sneaking around is his way to get around it. I have some information with me about rehab and he will have a choice....go into rehab or get out until he can get it together. It's about time I stop "playing mad" and do something about this.

 

[LynnMcG]

No, you didn't overreact. He needs to grow up and knock it off. I agree with the guys here. But I also, don't know what the solution is. My husband is an alcoholic. But I wouldn't marry him until he was sober a year. My husband is pretty mature and we haven't had issues like this since we were dating, and were about your age, and he was drinking and getting high. I think the immaturity goes hand in hand with the addiction. But if he doesn't think he has a problem, it doesn't matter. Nothing is going to change until he decides it's time to get help.

All you can do is ask him to respect you and not sneak off in the middle of the night. And pray. Pray that God would show you what to do, how to react to Robert. And pray that Robert would be delivered.

 

[Svt4Him]

He knows that I don't want him smoking marijuana anymore and I think sneaking around is his way to get around it. I have some information with me about rehab and he will have a choice....go into rehab or get out until he can get it together. It's about time I stop "playing mad" and do something about this.

Anymore? So you've changed and you expect him to change? Not that I agree with smoking marijuana, but I do not think that because your husband is the same person as when you married him, you can expect an ultimatum to work. Personally I have found nagging never works, and to 'love in spite of' is the higher calling.

 

[searle29678]

I left him for quite a while before we got married and when we got married he had been to rehab and been saved and baptized. I was under the impression that all of this was long gone out of his life. It was not until five minutes after we left the courthouse that he started smoking marijuana again.

 

[Redguard]

What he's doing isn't cool.

Sometimes I sneak out of bed to play Xbox... but at least I'm still in the house. And I'm vehemently against anyone who smokes.

This is weird behavior. Keep your eyes and ears open.

 

[Lorie]

get an alarm installed....lol

if he wants to act like a spoiled kid he should be treated like one!

 

[heartnsoul]

He knows that I don't want him smoking marijuana anymore and I think sneaking around is his way to get around it. I have some information with me about rehab and he will have a choice....go into rehab or get out until he can get it together. It's about time I stop "playing mad" and do something about this.

Well, it sounds like you know what you need to do. As you stated above, you plan to do something about it. I agree. You need to act--do something. Just complaining about it or doing nothing will probably not be in your best interest nor in the best interest of the marriage. From your other posts in the past, there seems to be a lot of problems in your marriage. I hope you finally do take a stand and do the right thing with the expectation that yours & his marriage vows to each other be honored. Good luck and keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

if he wants to act like a spoiled kid he should be treated like one!

I don't think that is good advice. In a marriage you don't want to get into a parent-child relationship because eventually the one in the "child" position will grow up and want to rebel against the "parent". I saw this advice given by Dr. Phil on his show only a few days ago-you might want to read one of his books.

Your husband is an adult, so treat him like one.

Diane

 

[Hooch]

Perhaps you are being a tad bit hard. It is natural for a young man to spend time with his friends. As a good wife, you should be encouraging him to do so.

The fact that he runs out in the middle of the night to do so leads me to believe that he feels it is improper- and perhap that you discourage it. He feels he is "getting away with something". Sometimes there is a high just if feeling that you are doing something improper.

If you encourage him to bond with his male friends- you might find that he comes home to roost more. Ask "are you going out with the boys tonight?"- and simply be inquistive- or suggestive. Don't give commands. Things like "it would be nice if you could be home by midnight so we can spend some alone time" may do the trick.

 

[Southern Cross]

Yup, hooch, good point. But past behavior (previous posts) is a good indicator of future behavior, don't ya think? I'm not saying she shouldn't let him go out with the guys, but the boy seems to lie a bit. Loosening the reigns on accountability does not encourage honesty or proper behavior. If he had just come clean and said, "You know, honey, I just needed a break, so yes I went to WalMart. No I didn't want to wake you... sorry you got worried" then that would be a different story.

There was a time in my life where a good guy friend of mine had to sit me down and talk some sense into me about marriage... that was a long time ago, maybe 10-11 years ago. I wish somebody would do that for Searle's husband.

 

[Evie]

My husband had a bad habit until a few months back of waiting until I was asleep and leaving the house. I didn't find out until my best friend called me at work and told me that Robert had called her and her boyfrend at 1am to take him to a friends house and drop him off and he had done it more than once. He told her I knew about it everytime she asked about me, but she was suspicious. I got really mad about it not just because he left but because if something had happened to him and he wasn't home when I woke up I would have had no idea where to even begin looking for him to make sure he was ok.
Yesterday when I got off work, I had to go to Wal Mart and he just refused to go with me...this morning I wake up and he has Wal-Mart bags all through the house. I asked him if he went to Wal-Mart and he said no. He actually lied knowing that I had all the receipts and evidence in my hand. Anyway, I got really upset. One, because he wouldn't go with me to help get groceries that afternoon but he would go at midnight with his buddies. Two, because if something happened to him I would have no idea and he doesn't seem to care about that aspect at all.
It really makes me angry that he sneaks while I'm asleep. What else does he get away with while I'm asleep? Did I overreact over this?

I agree.my husband would be out in the doghouse.
He does need to act like a married man.

 

[Lorie]

I don't think that is good advice. In a marriage you don't want to get into a parent-child relationship because eventually the one in the "child" position will grow up and want to rebel against the "parent". I saw this advice given by Dr. Phil on his show only a few days ago-you might want to read one of his books.

Your husband is an adult, so treat him like one.

Diane

Dont u think he is rebeling??? that is my point he is acting like a child sneeking out of the house with out telling her.

 

[searle29678]

I went through all this with him before. I read all the books I could and even talked to him about what he wanted from me to make this marriage better for the both of us. He told me he wanted me to treat him like a man. So I did. For three months I didn't say one word to him about why he didn't come home, where he went, where his money was, nothing. I treated him like the head of household. I let him be responsible for himself, me and the house hoping that if I did it that way he would act like a man instead of a child. He just started going out more, smoking more weed, not paying the bills, and basically enjoying the fact that I wasn't treating him like a "little boy" anymore. So I tried sort of cutting it down the middle, so to speak. I took on the monetary responsibilities and let him pretty much make his own decisions otherwise. So, he started laying out of work so he wouldn't have any money to give me. I'm really at a loss here. I've tried the "mother son" relationship. I've tried the "wife husband" relationship. I've even tried the "Lets just be roommates" relationship. I can tell that deep down he really wants to be different because he is just as sick of the way things are as I am....he just doesn't know how. He is torn between giving up the things he has grown so accustomed to and being a husband.

 

[Southern Cross]

You are still young - how old is he? These things take time.

However, if you get really sick of it, we have a secret society of guys here on CF that will bring your husband out behind the wood shed and talk some sense into him. We'll even spank him for you. All we require is a pizza and a small donation to CF .

 

[searle29678]

I'm 23, he is soon to be 26.
If you think that wood shed thing'll work....just let me know what kind of pizza you like! LOL! I really try to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. You know, laugh to keep from crying.

 

[heartnsoul]

Pizza? YUM!! If you guys are taking orders for pizza, I'd like to have sausage and mushroom on mine...oh, and preferably a thin-sliced crust NJ-style pizza!