holy humor

[Utah Knight]

HOLY HUMOR



There was a church that had problems with outsiders
parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:

"CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY,"
" Trespassers will be baptized!"

CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:

"No God - No Peace."
"Know God - Know Peace."

"Free Trip to Heaven."
"Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays."
"They're better than Dairy Queen's".

"Searching for a new look?"
"Have your faith lifted here!"

"People are like tea bags" -- "you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are."

"Fight truth decay"
" study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity"
"Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction,
God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born,
try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live,"
"they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch."
"What is missing? - (U R)"

"In the dark?"
"Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith?"
"Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."
"Talk to the Shepherd."

"Come work for the Lord."
"The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this world"

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on
which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,
"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out
a big sign with red letters that said,
"Open Sundays,"
the church reciprocated with its own message:
"We are open on Sundays, too."

AND THE WINNER !

- ON THE PASTOR'S PARKING SPOT -

RESERVED FOR PASTOR
YOU PARK, YOU PREACH

 

[Username:]

Rotflmao!!!!!!!

 

[kleptobismol]

lol hilarious!

 

[Roxa]

lol
very humorous

 

[paeonia]

That's excellent stuff!

 

[All4THALORD]

A group of women were talking together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."

Another said, "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven."

A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."

 

[All4THALORD]

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!

For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A motorcycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.