His past and our future

[Learnin'2-4Give]

I've been dating a great man for several months now and we are dating with the intent to someday marry (which, I guess is really the whole point in dating ). We are highly compatible--strong believers, etc. I am 44 and he is 43. Neither of us has ever been married or has children.

The problem? Well, it's his past and mine and wondering how this will all work. You see, he has told me that he was very active sexually before becoming a Christian. He has had relations with LOTS of women (too numerous to count--he believes it is in the hundreds--oh my!) Since becoming a Christian 14 years ago, he has been much better (yes, I know how bad this sounds.....). He told me that about 5 years ago he had a purely sexual relationship with a married woman. He felt so bad about it at the time that he confessed to his pastor and the elders of his church. He stayed in the relationship longer than he should have, but eventually was able to break away from it. He feels terrible about it now and has thoroughly repented.

In my 44 years, I have been intimate with 3 men. The first 2 were when I was 21 and 22 and then I was celibate for 22 years. Last December, I had a relationship with a divorced man and gave in to sin.

We both want our relationship to be pure and so far it has been. Neither one of us wants to have a sexual relationship again until we are married. It is difficult, but we have discussed boundaries and we stick to them.

I guess my problem is that I am worried that once we are married, that he won't be happy with me. That I won't be able to keep up the excitement of "hundreds" of women. I go to church with him now and it is a little unnerving to know that the elders know all about his past and they are probably wondering about me. I guess I'm just paranoid about the whole thing. (my past relationships were all bad and ended as soon as the guys had their way with me). We have tried discussing this, but he said that all of those relationships are in the past and shouldn't matter any more. I know that this is right, but........... I suppose I need to just "let go and let God". It's hard though. I really love this man and don't want to let these fears ruin what we have.

Any advice?
Thanks!

--Learnin'

 

[Living4Him03]

Have you discussed premarital counseling? Or even counseling before becoming engaged? That may be very helpful for the two of you to openly talk about your past relationships and to allow God to fully heal those areas in your lives so that you can continue growing closer to one another, if this relationship is in God's will for you. If he really cares about you and is serious about you, he will be willing to work through the issues you both have with your pasts and will be willing to at least discuss it/listen to you. Maybe he is not ready to talk about it, but at some point he should be and he should be willing to make the effort to heal if he really does want something serious. I hope it works out with God's best plan!

 

[Lbiagm]

yea let God take over and dont worry bout it.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Big hugs to you - I know I am a fair bit younger than you, but I think I can help you a little bit... Mainly - congratulations on keeping your relationship pure - and whatever the past has been - both of you are virginal to each other - and that is special!!!

People are always going to have their own beliefs on what you are up to - whether or not that's the truth - unfortunately a lot of people get caught up on people's past behaviour, and don't stop to think they may have changed (or offer to act as accountability partners, for that matter). That is THEIR problem, not yours, and although it can be VERY VERY hard to not let it bother you (believe me, I am the worst when it comes to worrying about what others think of me and my relationship) - you have to get to a stage where all that matters is what YOU think, and GOD thinks (and your partner of course).

Secondly - all of his relationships are pre-christ right? And most of yours were too, right? So, if we are to be as Jesus, we are blameless and without sin to Him, and should treat each other as that when it comes to our sexual lives (as well as the rest of our lives). And, if he is being honest (which I would say he would be), most 'one-night/temporary flings' leave you with a heck of a lot of emptiness, and not a lot of solid 'specific' memories. He may remember sex as being a great thing, but I would highly doubt he would be focussing on particular encounters or girlfriends anymore - otherwise he wouldn't be able to commit to this serious relationship he has with you.

Trust this - he chose to be with you, he is choosing to marry you - if he is this serious, than he really isn't thinking hard on past sexual experiences, and is focussing on YOU. He loves YOU. Enough to wait to marry - and I think that is wonderful! You are very blessed and trust me - you have nothing to worry about. God has worked on him as He has worked on you - and those past encounters are not part of him or his memories anymore.

Blessings and congratulations on this special special time in your life

Sasch

ps. Good resources for this are - Boundaries Before Marriage (or boundaries in dating), and in regards to getting married - www.themarriagebed.com, intended for Pleasure, 52 Ways To Have Fun, Fantastic Sex, Better Sex for you,

 

[leah-bygrace]

I guess my problem is that I am worried that once we are married, that he won't be happy with me. That I won't be able to keep up the excitement of "hundreds" of women. We have tried discussing this, but he said that all of those relationships are in the past and shouldn't matter any more. I know that this is right, but........... I suppose I need to just "let go and let God". It's hard though. I really love this man and don't want to let these fears ruin what we have.

Any advice?
Thanks!

--Learnin'

I know what you're feeling because I had the exact same fears. My bf led an extremely rebelious life in his early twenties. When we first started to talk about our "less-than-stellar" pasts, I was shocked to find out how many women he had been with. But I found that the more I tried to talk about it, the worse I felt. Like the more you know, the more it hurts and the more satan uses it to plague your mind. I KNOW that my bf was a totally different person back then, as I was. I know our relationship is different because Christ is at the base.

The past fades away when we accept it. It took my bf a LONG time to deal with some of the things in my past, just like it took me a while to accept all the sexual relationships he had. But I think the Lord helped both of us to accept each other's past, and realize that if Christ forgives us for the past, than we have no right to hold it against each other.

The truth is that your relationship will be completely different from any past relationship because God is it this time. Your bf's past relationship's won't matter because you are the one he loves. A love bonded by Christ surpasses all.

I read this book recently, "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It's a great re-telling of the story of Hosea. The character Michael (Hosea) marries a known prostitute because God tells him to. Rivers writes how Michael struggles to rely on God when dealing with his wife's past. It also made me realize how powerful and intense God created love and sex to be between a married man and woman. It's a great book that you can get in your christian bookstore.

 

[Lbiagm]

i pray for you guys.

 

[JVD]

It is possible that your fears could come true. But on the other hand, the things you fear could happen with anyone.

I do wonder about something. With all these women he has never had any children. Can he? And is that important to you?

I think you need to know him well and be convinced that he has changed.

I do have a friend that lived a similar life in his college days. He would wake up with girls he didn't even know...didn't even know their name.

He now lives a very chaste life with his wife and two daughters. He is a full time pastor and is totally a changed person...so it CAN happen.

 

[Lbiagm]

yea what jvd said.

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Hmmmmm......thanks everyone! Lots of food for thought here!

I know that Satan is trying to worm his way in and put doubt in my mind. The thing I need to remember, is that I didn't ask my BF about his past. He told me about it right up front. He was very humble about it. He said he is not proud of his past, but he has repented. He asked me if I could forgive him and I said, "of course! God forgave you, how could I not?" It was a little more un-nerving when he told me about the affair with the married woman about 5 years ago. He cried when he told me about that. He said, "it was just sex. That's all it was. Selfish sex on my part.....she meant nothing to me at all."

I did tell him I'd like to talk with his pastor and he is fine with this and will go with me. We do have something very special here. I know that. We have both prayed about it. God is our foundation. I do trust him and know that he is "brand new" as am I. I guess in a lot of ways, he could probably be more concerned about my recent past relationship. I know I am changed.

And we are "virginal" to each other. We are a bit shy about things . At the mall the other day, I wanted to go and get a new bra and he said, "oh, I'm going to the food court. I shouldn't go with you." That was sweet.

Thanks again,--I just needed some reassurance. And really, I guess I already knew the answers in my heart. He really is a great guy and we do have an awesome future waiting for us.

Blessings,
'Learnin'

 

[Lbiagm]

go learnin.