Hinderance to relationships??

[belle1492]

Hi everyone,

I have a guy friend, I've known him for a few years, and I have liked him for about the same amount of time minus a few months.

I have given a lot of thought to whether I thought he "liked" me or not, and I've come to the conclusion that I think he does, BUT there is a part of me that I feel is a hinderance to him asking me out.

The hinderance is that I am physically disabled. More specifically my disability is Cerebral Palsy. My CP is fairly mild so even though I use crutches to walk outside the home, I am able to do 95% of things an abled bodied person does. (I'm finishing up a dificult college degree program, drive a car, work, grocery shop etc)

I've been disabled since birth, so I've had the experience having to work harder to be accepted by people. Almost all of the time people are very friendly to me, BUT almost 99% of the time I have to initiate the conversations. These conversations are usually just small talk type stuff.

One thing that made my friend stand out from everyone else was that the first day I met him 4 years ago, (we were in the same class) He sat down next to me and said Hi to me right away, At this time I just thought he was a really nice guy, and I was suprised that he initiated the conversation. I know this won't sound like a big thing to some of you all, but it definitely made an impression on me.

We've remained friendly ever since then, many of our values and interests are the same, (the most important thing - we are both christians) and I have learned about different things about his life in that time, but our communication is done thru IM/ email. As I said I have gotten an impression that he likes me so I'm not exactly asking you all if he does or not, BUT I am wondering if he would ever get around to asking me out? I have never been on a date before so I'm rather clueless in this aspect of life. (I'm 28 He is around 24)

A while back I attempted to see him outside of school, by inviting him to my church. I invited him twice. I was thinking that if he liked me he'd do his best to show up. (I know I would if the situation were reversed.) The first time, he said yes right away and seemed rather interested. HE asked me for detailed directions etc. Church was the next day, and he was a "no show." That night he IM'ed me right after I got online and apologized. He said he "overslept." Part of me thought that was an excuse, but I couldn't see why he would seem so eager to come the previous day if he was going to purposely blow me off.

I waited a number of months before I invited him again, because I didn't want him to think I was a nag. This time he told me right away that he could not come, because he has some school related plans which were causing him to miss his own church (his church meets at different times than mine does). Although I was a little disappointed, I did apprecite that he told me "no" right way instead of a "yes" or a "probably" and not show at all.

One odd thing to me is that he has never asked me a single thing about my disability. I have not brought it up because on one hand it does have a big influence on my life, but on the other hand I'm used to it so in a way it is a small part of who I am. I am a little aprehensive about mentioning it because I don't want him to think that I am one of thosed disabled people who want you to feel sorry for them, and their lot in life. ("Ive already scanned the physically disabled forum here. It is rather depressing!!)

So In regard to not asking me about my CP. I wonder, does he not care at all?, Does this aspect of me scare or embarrass him? (to where he might enjoy talking to me, but doesn't want to be seen with me in public.) Does he not want to offend me?, Is he completely turned off by it and is just being nice to me?

In regard to looks, my legs look funny, but the rest of me is fine, and I honestly think we are compatable looks-wise.

I do know of a few people who are much more severly disabled than me get married / have kids, so it is possible, but I think the percentage is much lower than the non disabled population. Add in the requirement of only wanting to marriy a born again christian, then I'd think the odds of meeting someone who fits that requirment, and is compatable in other areas are lowered considerably.

Any opinions on things I have or have not mentioned would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading,
belle

 

[JulesM]

Hi Belle

I think that you sound like a great girl and disability or not if God intends for you to be married you will be.
Regarding this guy, maybe you should just ask him on a date? Check your motives first though - are you looking for a husband and pinning your hopes on him? That might not be Gods plan. But maybe the only way to 'investigate' further is to ask him to see a movie or something.
I guess if he says no, then you have to just wait on God and see what he has to say about the matter.
Let us know how you get on!
Jules
x

 

[seekingsomething]

I would take careful praying time on this one. Not to say you cannot trust your judgement, but because it is all so new. I dont mean to take a downer on this AT ALL and forgive me for sayin this, but you say that he made an impact on you because he came and sat with you. Thats an amazin thing, but becareful that you are not caught up in that rather than ther person. Go out as a group with people from your church or his or both and just hang out. I think its awesome though that you are so brave and open about your disability and i wish you every strength. Take care and be sure to up date us. Love in Christ x x x

 

[2scoops]

"So In regard to not asking me about my CP. I wonder, does he not care at all?, Does this aspect of me scare or embarrass him? (to where he might enjoy talking to me, but doesn't want to be seen with me in public.) Does he not want to offend me?, Is he completely turned off by it and is just being nice to me?

In regard to looks, my legs look funny, but the rest of me is fine, and I honestly think we are compatable looks-wise.

I do know of a few people who are much more severly disabled than me get married / have kids, so it is possible, but I think the percentage is much lower than the non disabled population. Add in the requirement of only wanting to marriy a born again christian, then I'd think the odds of meeting someone who fits that requirment, and is compatable in other areas are lowered considerably.

Any opinions on things I have or have not mentioned would be appreciated."

Your disability may not bother him at all. He maybe afraid to mention it at all, in fear that you may get mad at him. Belle ,we all have something wrong with us, none of us are perfect. If you see yourself as being disabled, than you probably feel everyone sees you as diabled. In this world we tend to label people, but we christians are all children of God. You seem to have a good spirit. You seem to not let the CP bother you in searching for a mate or having children. That is a wonderful thing. The mind is a very powerful tool. As far as the way he feels, there is no way of telling, that is something you are going to have to communicate with him. Hope this helps, will pray for. That is the best thing I can do to help.

 

[Lbiagm]

I do not think it would be a hinderance he should like or love you no matter what but first ask him out.

 

[pegatha]

Your CP is probably more of an obstacle in your own mind than in his. I can't help wondering if you've ever brought it up in conversation. He probably just doesn't want to seem rude, or else it's so mild that he's never given it much thought, so you should be the one to mention it first and see what his reaction is.

Other than that, I'm kind of old-fashioned in thinking that the guy should take the initiative in these things. That's why it seems odd that after several years of being close friends, and being invited to accompany you to church, he still hasn't given you any clear idea what his feelings are. It's really tough when you don't know what the other person is thinking. Until/unless he openly expresses an interest in dating you, I think you would be wise to cultivate a wider circle of friends & potential dates, and not place all your hope in him.

He may be the man God has for you or he may not. Either way, don't put your life on hold waiting for him (not that you seem to be doing that). Have fun, be his friend, but stay open to friendships with other good Christian guys who cross your path. You just never know what or whom God plans to bring into your life.

 

[desi]

Belle, you may want to ask him if the two of you could ever be 'we'. Until he answers that question he may not know himself whether or not it can happen.

 

[belle1492]

Hi Belle

I think that you sound like a great girl and disability or not if God intends for you to be married you will be.
Regarding this guy, maybe you should just ask him on a date? Check your motives first though - are you looking for a husband and pinning your hopes on him? That might not be Gods plan. But maybe the only way to 'investigate' further is to ask him to see a movie or something.
I guess if he says no, then you have to just wait on God and see what he has to say about the matter.
Let us know how you get on!
Jules
x

I definitely don't want to spend my time "pining", and I understand that we all need to wait on God's will for our lives, the thing that frustrates me the most about this is not the "waiting", but knowing when I need to sit passively and wait for God versus getting out and doing things myself. (ie. askng someone to do something with you)

I've heard people say (and I have said to others) that if God wants you to do something, or be with someone it will happen, but I wonder if I should be more proactive in getting these events to happen, or should I wait till God drops a guy into my life?

belle

 

[belle1492]

I dont mean to take a downer on this AT ALL and forgive me for sayin this, but you say that he made an impact on you because he came and sat with you. Thats an amazin thing, but becareful that you are not caught up in that rather than ther person.

After I posted that part and read it through again later on I realize that I sounded kinda pathetic and desparate. I should have phrased it better in the OP, but the reason I included that little annecdote was to try to get across that maybe he was not bothered by my appearance because he sat next to me(it was at the same table, not the traditional desk) and initiated conversation first, on the other hand he might have just been in a good mood that day

belle

 

[belle1492]

" If you see yourself as being disabled, than you probably feel everyone sees you as diabled. In this world we tend to label people, but we christians are all children of God. You seem to have a good spirit. You seem to not let the CP bother you in searching for a mate or having children. That is a wonderful thing. The mind is a very powerful tool. As far as the way he feels, there is no way of telling, that is something you are going to have to communicate with him. Hope this helps, will pray for. That is the best thing I can do to help.

There are times when I "feel very disabled" and have a pity party for myself for a while. Most of the time though I don't even feel disabled. Its funny because sometimes I'll catch my reflection of myself (in a window) walking down a sidewalk and I think, "I look like that? " I guess in my mind I have a completely different picture of myself. (in my mind I am MUCH more graceful )

I think the main reson I am a little aprehensive to mention the disability is that I'm afraid my friend will think I fishing for a bunch of "pity filled comments" and then think less of me. I myself have run into a few aquaintances who are disabled, and I dread talking to them because all they talk about are things relating to their disability (doctors visits, people discrimminating against them etc) I feel like saying to them. "There is nothing I can do about al that. We all go through these experiences, why don't you tell me something else about your life" I don't want my friend to feel the same way

Something happened to me last week was one reason why I started this thread....

As I was walking out of a store last week, I was walking by a lady who had been right in front of me in the check out line. I was going to just say "Have a nice day!", but she greeted me first and proceeded to ask if I had Polio. I was caught a little off guard because that has not happened to me in a number of years. We had a convesation for a few minutes. As she was leaving she appologized for being too forward. I said she did not offend me at all,and that I think that if you don't ask about it, you will never learn about something like this. This lady was really nice, and I'll probably never see her again, but this whole interaction made me wonder how many people assume things about me that are not true. It made me wonder if my friend mistakenly thinks my disabiliy could possible be genetic, contageous, or even fatal?

belle

 

[Lbiagm]

good point desi.

 

[belle1492]

Your CP is probably more of an obstacle in your own mind than in his. I can't help wondering if you've ever brought it up in conversation. He probably just doesn't want to seem rude, or else it's so mild that he's never given it much thought, so you should be the one to mention it first and see what his reaction is. .

My friends say that I think it is more of a big deal than others do, but I don;t know if they are saying that to be nice ,or they really mean it. (ie. If someone asks if they sing well, or look fat in a dress, most people will probably say that they did a great job singing, or that they look good even if they sing flat, or look a little too large for their outfit)

I have not brought it up mainly for a reason I stated in my previous post. The more I think about it the more I'd like to bring it up, but I don't exactly know how to bring it up.

Other than that, I'm kind of old-fashioned in thinking that the guy should take the initiative in these things. That's why it seems odd that after several years of being close friends, and being invited to accompany you to church, he still hasn't given you any clear idea what his feelings are. It's really tough when you don't know what the other person is thinking.

Yea, Tell me about it Sometimes I wish I had never met him, but I think that the way we met was an answer to something I had prayed about for several months (it had nothing at all to do with dating) so in that way I think God did want me to meet him.

I have had several conversations with him where he had made a few "teasing" comments I thought were a little odd. I mentioned them to a few people to get their opinion on what he meant by them and and the general concensus was that he although he could have meant nothing by them, he seemed to be trying to find out if I had a boy friend. Being the novice that I am, I did not catch onto this at the time (I've never had anyone be interested in me before so its hard to know if they are interesd as a friend or more than a friend)

I've asked the few disabled people I know who are married to an able bodied person, who initiated their relationship. In every case (this was only 5 or 10 people) the able bodied person showed interest first. This makes me a little aprehensive when it comes to asking him out.

He may be the man God has for you or he may not. Either way, don't put your life on hold waiting for him (not that you seem to be doing that).

I don't want to do that either. I've thought that if something doesn't change soon I should probably slowly stop talking to him, but that is very hard to do because I do enjoy talking to him. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too

belle

 

[seekingsomething]

Belle, dont stop talking to him!!!! The Lord may have just a good friendship lined up for you. ENJOY IT!!!!!!!!

 

[pegatha]

Belle, dont stop talking to him!!!! The Lord may have just a good friendship lined up for you. ENJOY IT!!!!!!!!

I agree! You don't need to stop talking to him. Just try to be open to the possibility that the Lord may have a different man for you somewhere down the road.

 

[Lbiagm]

pray bout it belle.

 

[belle1492]

I know it has been a few days since I have replied to this thread, but I'd like to thank everyone for their advice. I do realize the most important thing is to pray about the situation. Sometimes though it is hard to be patient.

belle

 

[Sketcher]

Since he ditched you twice for church, I would keep it strictly at friendship level.

 

[silentpoet]

Sometimes though it is hard to be patient.

belle

Amen. I was 17 when I first believed that love could really happen to me. I am now 29 and starting what looks to be a good and healthy relationship for the first time. God's time is not our own. But His plans are better than we could do.

 

[Lbiagm]

keep praying girlie.

 

[*heidi*]

There is a girl in my church that has a disability and she tries to hide it from everyone. Personally I have found that in talking to her and other people with disabilities that we will talk about everything else other than that. This is not because I don't care, but rather I am unsure about how the person with the disability feels about it. From my own experiences I would tend to think that either your guy sees your disability as no big deal at all, because you make do perfectly fine by the sounds of it. Or it could be that he is unsure about how you would feel about discussing it. He probably has many questions (as I know I would) about your disability, but he doesn't want to offend you or hurt you by speaking about it. He probably sees it as no big deal and my feel that you will think he does see it as a big deal if he mentions it.

Maybe you could ask him if talking about your disability makes him uncomfortable for one reason or another. I think that could open up some doorways in conversation.

I think it is probably good for you to talk openly and positively about your disability. That way people will know that you are free to talk about it and won't have a problem with it. I don't think anyone will see you as looking for "pity filled comments" unless you talk about the disability all the time or in a negative way. I have found some of the most positive people in life are those that have some sort of physical hindrance. How you perceive yourself shows through to people. People that know you even a little will see the grace you carry yourself with rather than what they physically see.