Hi, new here!

[blessedmomto4]

Wow, where to start.
I am a 36 year old mother of four. I was married for a little over 11 years and last month my husband served me with divorce papers!
The real kicker is that HE served ME.... here is why.
Let's start at the start
9 years ago I had my second kid, celebrated my second anniversary and, my husband came in and said it was over. Here I was with a newborn and a 16 month old and he said we done! I was beyond devastated as you can imagine and I begged and begged and begged him back. After two months of him telling me all the things I did wrong as a human, I promised and promised to change, and I did and, after two months he came back.
He was still living with me during this two month period but, he would be unaccounted for and such ... he was always hanging with his friends and being free.. I thought he was going through something as we had a whirl-wind courtship and two kids before our second anniversary... we worked it out and went on to have two more kids.
Fast forward to 3 years ago this time of year. I was in the bathroom getting ready for church (as, our entire marriage we went to church three times a week and served in and through our church) ... Anyway.. phone call comes and it is is some guy that I did not know.
I gave the phone to my husband and I went on about getting ready when, I notice him talking weird. He is in hushed tones "no, no thank you" "no, I can't" stuff like that.. TOTALLY weird and out of character for him.
When he got off of the phone I asked him who that was due to him acting so weird. He spouted off three lies right off the bat.
He then partially told the truth and when I called the guy back, he confirmed and so, I was very upset that he had lied but, we would move on..... until we got home from church.....
This is when my world turned upside down.
He came into the bedroom and said that when he left me when our second kid was born, it wasn't because I was this awful wife, it was because he had an affair with a girl that he used to date as a teen .
WHAT? So as the details came out he had received a ltter at his parents house from her. His dad waited until I was out of sight and gave it to him behind my back saying "don't do anything stupid" well, he sure did..
He gave her something that should have only been mine..not only physically but emotionally. He told her he loved her and they were both going to leave their kids and spouses for eachother... but, she must have gotten cold feet because, she ended up dumping him and stopped talking to him... THAT is when he decided to work it out with me letting me think that my changes made the difference.
As I said we had two more kids after the affair. He told me he thought having more kids would make me less likely to ever leave if I ever did find out about his affair ... tho he had no intentions on EVER EVER telling me (his words)
So, I was dealing with the devastation of his betrayal (his families betrayal for knowing), his lies, his affair... I was also dealing with the fact that my entire marriage and life was a LIE.
What made it all worse was that he had just started a new job that required him to be gone all day every day . He worked from like noon till midnight every day. We never talked, we never got therapy NOTHING. For three years I sat and remained depressed about the situtation.
I wanted things to work out. I have four kids. I LOVE my family and even tho he has never EVER been nice to me.. I loved and appreciated him for letting me stay home and homeschool our kids because that was my dream. It all came with a price but, what doesn't and I just counted my blessings.
He was in the mind set that, it happened, so I should get over it.
If I brought it up he would say things like "I am just a piece of **** and I am going to kill myself" It was CONSTANT to take the attention off of what he did. He stopped going to church and started mocking me and throwing my religion in my face constantly.
The past three years have been AWFUL .. I have never felt so sad and alone.. and, I know I wasn't alone. I have God and my four kids ... but , God made marriage a certain way and while I was married on paper, I was not physically.... or emotionally.
Anyway two months ago a huge fight happened and I realized he had been taking stuff of value out of the house while I was away at church ... and he left and never came back.
I was served papers two weeks later despite me asking him to work it out.
And so, here I am. We are getting along on some levels which I am thankful for. We have our entire divorce worked out with no need of lawyers... but, I am SO sad. I am scared I am alone in a new house... while I am blessed with this house I am also scared and sad and lonely.
I am not sleeping, not eating properly and last night I had a panic attack and I thought I was having a stroke and I ended up calling 9-1-1. Panic attacks are NO joke...
Anyway.. I never usually go online and spout off my private business. I am actually an extremely private person. It took a year before family and friends even knew about the affair ... It takes a lot of me to open up.
I am encouraged (and sad) that there are people out there who have gone through it and can help with the process. I am lost, I am sad and I am trying very hard to have a brave face.
I will say my faith has not been shaken. I still attend church like I always have. I am closer to the Lord and in and through all of this the Lord has been glorified to my non church going family.... Praise the Lord for that!

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Blessed ... welcome to CF.
There is a to be private ... but I think now you need to talk talk talk.
I think it would be good to find a compassionate woman at church to talk with for hours to unload your heart. its not healthy to carry this burden by yourself in my view.
My marriage ended partly because we didn't really know how to communicate who we were as a person. I hear that same thing in your post above. If we don't communicate we only partly know who our spouse is. Also it takes communication to build intimacy. So like my marriage it sounds like that was one of the things that was missing that you now need to deal with this and also to build the future relationships you will need to get out of your sadness and build a new life.
Its been a lot of work for me to build that new life, but its so much better than the old and the old was really good in a lot of ways.
Please keep posting. If you can find the Christian group Divorce Care close to you try to get to that. It was very good.

 

[ValleyGal]

I agree with Dayhiker. Right now (and for the next year or two) you really need a strong and available social support. DivorceCare is helpful, and one very special close friend that you can trust, talk with someone on your prayer ministry team, etc. But one of the other ways to heal as well is to find a ministry that you can serve in - this will really help to boost your confidence and esteem. And of course, keeping your eyes fixed on Jesus is absolutely key to healing.

The other part of this is practical issues. You say the divorce was drawn up without the need for a lawyer, so that part is taken care of. Will you be able to afford to keep the house, will he be paying maintenance for the kids, will you need to find a job, will your kids need to start public school rather than be home schooled, will it affect the children's community involvement and all that sort of thing.

I'm so sorry this is such a miserable time for you. Divorce always hurts. Have a plan for those painful, sad, lonely times. Have a self-care plan for when things get tough.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If it's not too late, go find a lawyer to look at your settlement and make sure you're getting the right amount of child support, the right amount of alimony (if you're owed/eligible), and make sure things like who's paying for the kids insurance, if you're splitting school/daycare expenses, etc settled. Make sure that anything he's earned for his 401k or retirement is accounted for so that you can get your portion, something that you're also owed.

It's not about being mean or nasty, it's about the reality of the situation... As a SAHM to four kids, your job prospects are slim, both due to being out of the workforce so long and because daycare may be cost prohibitive. That means your income will be significantly limited. In some states, such as mine, they actually look at your divorce settlement at the time of filing for welfare/foodstamps and the fairness and equity of the division of assets is a factor in determining how much you're eligible for. So if the state thinks you took less than you were owed, you'll be eligible for less. The reason is they feel that if you didn't take what you were owed then your financial position is sustainable without that income and thus your need for benefits is lower... They won't say that because you took a hit in a divorce that you can make up that loss in state benefits. Your financial settlement of your divorce can impact so much, things you don't even think about.

The fact that this guy has operated as he has, going so far as to steal items of value out of the house before leaving and presumably stashing them in a place he had set up without your knowledge means he had planned to leave long before he told you. His filing first doesn't surprise me... It's so he has control over the listed reason for the divorce. Better he file irreconcilable and have a no-fault divorce than you file first and list adultery and now suddenly it's a fault divorce where he has to pay more. And, not to put to fine a point on it, but because he's now suddenly being nice and has no problem with the settlement leads me to believe that he's getting a pretty good deal and you're taking less than you're owed. A guy who's so bent on getting what's owed him that he'll steal from his own house, meaning his children are the direct victims, is a guy who will be bent out of shape if he's paying more than the bare minimum. The fact he isn't bent out of shape leads me to believe you're taking a hit and he's shortchanging you and quite probably the kids.

Every state has a network of lawyers that they can refer you to for low-cost or free legal advice, and even if you can't get through that network due to time issues, most lawyers will give you a free 1 hour evaluation... Especially family law. That one hour is long enough to know if you're getting less than you're owed.

This divorce, he shouldn't be at a cordial place... He should be rip-roaring mad because you've taken a chunk out of him and it hurt his wallet. And to be clear and ask any of the girls here... I'm a big proponent of not taking men or women to the cleaners over a divorce and just leaving cleanly and quickly with what you brought in. And I'm not advocating litigated financial vengeance here either... Only that knowing what you've shared about this guy and how easy it is for him to lie, steal, and how he reacts when cornered even if he really isn't... If he's not reacting that way about the financial, personal, and property settlement, then you didn't take enough. He's a bare minimum kind of guy and if he's happy with the settlement, it's because he is only doing the bare minimum. With four kids? He needs to do the maximum, not the minimum.

If he's happy, I'm picturing a guy who's previously been proven to be an ass in how he behaves and treats you, who's getting away with underpaying or paying the bare minimum child support, nothing from his retirement or other personal accrued assets (stocks, bonds), no alimony, and took the majority chunk of the settlement of property sales while managing to also leave with most of the marital possessions of value. He has everything to gain by the lack of lawyers here. He can and will bully you or be obstinate into getting whatever... He can't bully a lawyer. I'd even bet that he took a small hit elsewhere so that when you complained about how he was making out vs you, he could point back to that. Example "So maybe I get a majority of the money from the sale of the house, but I gave you the car and I didn't have to... Why would I just give you a car if I was trying to work you over?"

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

I even got my divorce without a lawyer and I'm saying to you... Get a lawyer.

Something to think about... You know how much he'd be paying in child support for 4 kids if he lived in my state and made, say, $4k a month? 42.350% of his income, pre-tax. If he made less, it'd be up to 45%. Again, pre-tax. Now things go into that, like if he's paying for their insurance, the amount he pays is credited to the percent he has to pay, but still... Ask yourself... Is he paying anything like that to the kids? Without explaining away a lower amount by saying "well, he pays for part of the house, he pays for the cell phone, he pays for part of the car, etc etc." None of that is enforceable and he can stop paying for that any time he pleases by claiming a change in circumstances or income or a change in contracts with the person he pays the money to and that's it. Child support, that IS enforceable. If he's not paying that much or whatever much your state requires, you need to ask why.

 

[blessedmomto4]

Thanks for the responses ... tropical wilds you are right on in a lot of it... I think I wasn't so clear in my post. He hired a lawyer who is just drawing up our agreements... I am having a friend of mine (a legal aide) go over it all to make sure it is all what we decided on before signing anything.
As far as child support we have an appt on the 12th. Here where we live he is not ordered to pay until after the divorce is final. It is SO stupid... So until t hen, he can just throw what he wants at me... so he can sleep at night...

 

[findmydream]

I really recommend DivorceCare and DivorceCare 4 Kids (I think the ages are 7-14). The group I go to at a local church is absolutely amazing. Check out divorcecare. org (had to put spaces because the forum won't let me post any links) to find a local group. There may also be a sliding scale or scholarship to attend (I had to). Even if you are a private person and don't want to share your story, you will get a wealth of information from the other participants, leader and videos. It is all Christian based and not condemning in any way. My kids love going and their session topics mirror the adult one (but done separately), so there is commonality there. They are confidential as well. If you want to know more, check out the website or PM me. I'm happy to help!

 

[blessedmomto4]

I really recommend DivorceCare and DivorceCare 4 Kids (I think the ages are 7-14). The group I go to at a local church is absolutely amazing. Check out divorcecare. org (had to put spaces because the forum won't let me post any links) to find a local group. There may also be a sliding scale or scholarship to attend (I had to). Even if you are a private person and don't want to share your story, you will get a wealth of information from the other participants, leader and videos. It is all Christian based and not condemning in any way. My kids love going and their session topics mirror the adult one (but done separately), so there is commonality there. They are confidential as well. If you want to know more, check out the website or PM me. I'm happy to help!

I had to go to a mandatory meeting with friend of the court on tuesday and they talked about this. I do want to check it out. I am without a lot of money so the sliding scale would be good for me. THANKS