Help with confused cheating husband?

[Flipflops82]

6 weeks ago I was devastated to find out my husband partner of 10 years had been texting another woman then met up with her. She lives a long way from us but he drove to see her and lied about the trip. When he returned he was cold and hateful. Later the next day he demanded to leave stating he has spent years being miserable, when just weeks before we were very happy and I never saw this coming. After my shock I decided I didn't want to throw all this away and wanted to forgive and work through this. We are Christians but had fallen out of church in the past few years and were not doing a good job at practicing our faith. My husband especially became more bitter, hateful at times, and lies became 2nd nature. I feel like he lost his footing let his guard down and let this woman walk into his emotions and then let them die with me.
For the first 2 weeks he was ready to jump straight off the edge and divorce. Finally he started talking some, then went to church, then saw a Christian marriage counselor 2 times with me and seemed to be taking baby steps. All the while he has still been talking to the other girl which I've been aware of but have begged him to let her go. As of this weekend she came here and he saw her and then fell back off the deep end again. Now refuses church and counseling and is easily angered at anything I say almost. I told him I was going to contact the girl and tell her everything because he has told her we are separated with no contact. He went into a rage. He has told me my constant beating biblical rights into him is pushing him away even more.
The supposed relationship with this other woman is crazy because he doesn't really know her and has spent a few days with her and that's no basis for reality with this person.
Our marriage counselor approaches things with prayer and allowing my husband to give this woman back to God so he can move on with our marriage but my husband wants to do his will not Gods. This other woman being involved eats at me daily.
I have begged and pleaded with him to the point I think he thinks no matter what he can walk back and I'll be waiting. I don't think begging, crying and pleading is helping.
I pray about this 10 times a day, his family prays and are totally against what he's doing.
What do I do or how do I continue to approach this? What do I do for him to give up this girl? Do I be patient and wait? I have surrendered this to God but I just cannot help staying sick and worried about it daily.

Help.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

pack his things, set them on the porch, change the locks and consult an attorney to protect yourself, assets and make provisions (if necessary) for the children. Maybe once he gets hit with reality, in the reality of a legal separation, he'll come to his senses. If he does not, as he is behaving as an unbeliever, let him go.

 

[Flipflops82]

We don't have kids. I just hate to take those measures as I'm trying to avoid a separation or divorce.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

We don't have kids. I just hate to take those measures as I'm trying to avoid a separation or divorce.

Ok but if you don't protect yourself, he can spend everything, mortgage the house, etc. and leave you out in the cold. Why do you want to stay with a man who treats you badly and is not acting like a Christian husband should? According to Scripture, you are not bound to him, as he has walked away from the Lord and is like an unbeliever. He does these things because you ARE trying to avoid separation/divorce, so he knows he can do whatever he wants and you won't stand up to him and give him a solid message that he cannot treat you that way and expect you to remain his wife.

 

[LovingLife2016]

6 weeks ago I was devastated to find out my husband partner of 10 years had been texting another woman then met up with her. She lives a long way from us but he drove to see her and lied about the trip. When he returned he was cold and hateful. Later the next day he demanded to leave stating he has spent years being miserable, when just weeks before we were very happy and I never saw this coming. After my shock I decided I didn't want to throw all this away and wanted to forgive and work through this. We are Christians but had fallen out of church in the past few years and were not doing a good job at practicing our faith. My husband especially became more bitter, hateful at times, and lies became 2nd nature. I feel like he lost his footing let his guard down and let this woman walk into his emotions and then let them die with me.
For the first 2 weeks he was ready to jump straight off the edge and divorce. Finally he started talking some, then went to church, then saw a Christian marriage counselor 2 times with me and seemed to be taking baby steps. All the while he has still been talking to the other girl which I've been aware of but have begged him to let her go. As of this weekend she came here and he saw her and then fell back off the deep end again. Now refuses church and counseling and is easily angered at anything I say almost. I told him I was going to contact the girl and tell her everything because he has told her we are separated with no contact. He went into a rage. He has told me my constant beating biblical rights into him is pushing him away even more.
The supposed relationship with this other woman is crazy because he doesn't really know her and has spent a few days with her and that's no basis for reality with this person.
Our marriage counselor approaches things with prayer and allowing my husband to give this woman back to God so he can move on with our marriage but my husband wants to do his will not Gods. This other woman being involved eats at me daily.
I have begged and pleaded with him to the point I think he thinks no matter what he can walk back and I'll be waiting. I don't think begging, crying and pleading is helping.
I pray about this 10 times a day, his family prays and are totally against what he's doing.
What do I do or how do I continue to approach this? What do I do for him to give up this girl? Do I be patient and wait? I have surrendered this to God but I just cannot help staying sick and worried about it daily.

Help.

6 weeks ago I was devastated to find out my husband partner of 10 years had been texting another woman then met up with her. She lives a long way from us but he drove to see her and lied about the trip. When he returned he was cold and hateful. Later the next day he demanded to leave stating he has spent years being miserable, when just weeks before we were very happy and I never saw this coming. After my shock I decided I didn't want to throw all this away and wanted to forgive and work through this. We are Christians but had fallen out of church in the past few years and were not doing a good job at practicing our faith. My husband especially became more bitter, hateful at times, and lies became 2nd nature. I feel like he lost his footing let his guard down and let this woman walk into his emotions and then let them die with me.
For the first 2 weeks he was ready to jump straight off the edge and divorce. Finally he started talking some, then went to church, then saw a Christian marriage counselor 2 times with me and seemed to be taking baby steps. All the while he has still been talking to the other girl which I've been aware of but have begged him to let her go. As of this weekend she came here and he saw her and then fell back off the deep end again. Now refuses church and counseling and is easily angered at anything I say almost. I told him I was going to contact the girl and tell her everything because he has told her we are separated with no contact. He went into a rage. He has told me my constant beating biblical rights into him is pushing him away even more.
The supposed relationship with this other woman is crazy because he doesn't really know her and has spent a few days with her and that's no basis for reality with this person.
Our marriage counselor approaches things with prayer and allowing my husband to give this woman back to God so he can move on with our marriage but my husband wants to do his will not Gods. This other woman being involved eats at me daily.
I have begged and pleaded with him to the point I think he thinks no matter what he can walk back and I'll be waiting. I don't think begging, crying and pleading is helping.
I pray about this 10 times a day, his family prays and are totally against what he's doing.
What do I do or how do I continue to approach this? What do I do for him to give up this girl? Do I be patient and wait? I have surrendered this to God but I just cannot help staying sick and worried about it daily.

Help.

This is a tough situation to be in. You love your husband so naturally to want to protect him, but he is not operating in the WILL of God right now. The first mistake he made was to stop going to church or give up on church. When you remove God from your life all types of stuff start to happen. At this point you have to think about yourself and pray but also take steps to get out of this situation. Its not easy, but if you stay in this situation you will be angry, bitter and miserable. You can be all these things by yourself why would you have to subject yourself to what he is doing? You should pray for him and hope God will turn things around but in the meantime you have to look out for yourself...

 

[LovingLife2016]

We don't have kids. I just hate to take those measures as I'm trying to avoid a separation or divorce.

No kids... this may sound harsh, but that's actually a good thing. You really don't have any ties to him other than your history. This is your husband who you love im sure, but he is not acting like it right now and until he reaches rock bottom you have to look out for yourself..

 

[Odetta]

If you're hoping for reconciliation, it will only work if he's willing, and clearly he is not at all willing to work things out with you. There is much more going on with him that him just having his head turned by this new woman. She's the escape for his unhappiness, the person he thinks is going to fill the void in his heart. The reality is that void filler is not her, and honey, it's not you either. That's a God-created void that can only be filled by God himself. And as you've described him, he wants no part of that.

No matter how much you may want to, you can't fix this for him. And it's not your fault. Grieve the loss of your marriage, and let him go. Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially and legally. Given how he's acting so hateful, I truly believe he would act spitefully towards you to try to leave you in dire straights just to punish you for not making him "happy" (not really your job, btw).

If in the end, he finds himself at the bottom of the pit he's digging for himself, repents and accepts God's grace, you can give thought to a possible reconciliation if he approaches you with that AND if you want to at that time. In any case, you should work with your pastoral counselor on the grief process and on coming to a point of forgiveness - meaning don't let his actions make you bitter with him and with God.

Forgiveness in no way means you let him walk all over you. Please protect yourself. Your husband isn't going to.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Ok but if you don't protect yourself, he can spend everything, mortgage the house, etc. and leave you out in the cold. Why do you want to stay with a man who treats you badly and is not acting like a Christian husband should? According to Scripture, you are not bound to him, as he has walked away from the Lord and is like an unbeliever. He does these things because you ARE trying to avoid separation/divorce, so he knows he can do whatever he wants and you won't stand up to him and give him a solid message that he cannot treat you that way and expect you to remain his wife.

Would you mind dropping the whole "acting like an unbeliever" nonsense? I'm an "unbeliever" and I don't even flirt with other women let alone cheat on my wife. His perceived level of christianity isn't the problem here.

Take a glance through this section and you'll find plenty of awful christian husbands...including those who go to church as well as those who lead churches. Being christian isn't some magical protection against marital problems, and pretending like it is won't help this poor woman.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

First, this must be so painful, and I am so sorry! Second, expect your husband to be angry, hateful, and bitter toward you because he is knee-deep in temptation and sin - and those are the fruits that come along with bad choices and unrepentant sin! If possible, don't respond to him -- he's in a really dark place!

Looking out for #1 (yourself) is not a Christ-like attitude unless you're being physically abused obviously. Thoughts of looking out for you will ONLY add to your pain, steal your peace, bring on anxiety, self-pity and a whole host of painful emotions on top of the pain you already have! So, please don't adhere to that advice.

Let God use this situation as a wakeup call to your marriage, or more importantly a wake up call to your Luke-warmness toward HIM. Immerse yourself in the book of James! Let God use this circumstance to transform you. In this trial, you have an opportunity to draw closer to HIM than you EVER have in your life. You can experience HIS love, comfort, grace, mercy, and peace in ways you NEVER could have otherwise. I know I am a stranger, but please trust me.

Just love your husband unconditionally, and seek to please God in your thoughts, words, and actions... Keep your eyes on the Lord, pray that the Lord will bring your husband to His knees, and pray that He will remove that woman! Find God-fearing, wise ladies to pray with you, and call out to HIM. There is NOTHING God can not and will not do. Believe that He will restore your marriage (He wants too!), and that it can be 100x better, stronger, and more fulfilling than it was.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Would you mind dropping the whole "acting like an unbeliever" nonsense? I'm an "unbeliever" and I don't even flirt with other women let alone cheat on my wife. His perceived level of christianity isn't the problem here.

Take a glance through this section and you'll find plenty of awful christian husbands...including those who go to church as well as those who lead churches. Being christian isn't some magical protection against marital problems, and pretending like it is won't help this poor woman.

I agree with you here. I think the intent was that some Christians DO look at being Christian as some 'magical protection'. It's so pervasive that some think that if they left, then it's hellfire and brimstone for them. It always amazes me that the moral compass of some so-called "unbelievers" would embarrass the best of Sunday Christians.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Would you mind dropping the whole "acting like an unbeliever" nonsense? I'm an "unbeliever" and I don't even flirt with other women let alone cheat on my wife. His perceived level of christianity isn't the problem here.

Take a glance through this section and you'll find plenty of awful christian husbands...including those who go to church as well as those who lead churches. Being christian isn't some magical protection against marital problems, and pretending like it is won't help this poor woman.

If someone claims to be a Christian and yet participates in sin without showing remorse or repentance then we have every right to question their faith. No one is saying that Christians don't sin---the difference is that repentance and a desire to move away from things that displease God should be a primary desire. It sounds like her husband has no true will to give up what he's doing and that should be a reason for concern.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Being Christian isn't some magical protection over anything but hell (assuming you are truly regenerate), Christians are sinners saved by grace. I'm glad I don't have to separate the wheat from the tears, the sheep from the goat, etc, but we can be fruit examiners.

 

[LovingLife2016]

First, this must be so painful, and I am so sorry! Second, expect your husband to be angry, hateful, and bitter toward you because he is knee-deep in temptation and sin - and those are the fruits that come along with bad choices and unrepentant sin! If possible, don't respond to him -- he's in a really dark place!

Looking out for #1 (yourself) is not a Christ-like attitude unless you're being physically abused obviously. Thoughts of looking out for you will ONLY add to your pain, steal your peace, bring on anxiety, self-pity and a whole host of painful emotions on top of the pain you already have! So, please don't adhere to that advice.

Let God use this situation as a wakeup call to your marriage, or more importantly a wake up call to your Luke-warmness toward HIM. Immerse yourself in the book of James! Let God use this circumstance to transform you. In this trial, you have an opportunity to draw closer to HIM than you EVER have in your life. You can experience HIS love, comfort, grace, mercy, and peace in ways you NEVER could have otherwise. I know I am a stranger, but please trust me.

Just love your husband unconditionally, and seek to please God in your thoughts, words, and actions... Keep your eyes on the Lord, pray that the Lord will bring your husband to His knees, and pray that He will remove that woman! Find God-fearing, wise ladies to pray with you, and call out to HIM. There is NOTHING God can not and will not do. Believe that He will restore your marriage (He wants too!), and that it can be 100x better, stronger, and more fulfilling than it was.

Looking out for yourself does not mean you are being selfish or don't care about him it means just what you said. Put your eyes and focus on the Lord and not him. Get yourself together meaning pray, seek God and make sure you are where you need to be so God can fix the situation. If she keeps looking at what he is doing... it will never work. Let it go and let God handle it...

 

[Murby]

If he does not, as he is behaving as an unbeliever, let him go.

What's up with that PonyDriver? Very poor statement.

One could turn statements like that around and say something like "Once you stop depending on religion to solve your problems you can then get to work and start acting like an unbeliever who doesn't do all those bad things"

See how easy that is? While religion can certainly make someone act poorly, its not a requirement, and it certainly doesn't prevent someone from behaving poorly. The same goes for unbelievers..

People are people.. some are good, some are bad.. some are just jerks.. Two people in a marriage can both be good people and just not get along together making one or both behave poorly.

The original poster needs to get out of this relationship. There are only two kinds of cheating spouses, the accident drunk idiot one timer, and the affair...
I would never even remotely consider forgiving the affair.. but that's just me.. I don't let anyone treat me that way.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Looking out for yourself does not mean you are being selfish or don't care about him it means just what you said. Put your eyes and focus on the Lord and not him

LovingLife2016 - yes, I'm misunderstood your advice in the previous post, and jumped to the wrong conclusion, and assumed your meant the worst (it's-all-about-me-thinking).. I'm sorry!

 

[LovingLife2016]

LovingLife2016 - yes, I'm misunderstood your advice in the previous post, and jumped to the wrong conclusion, and assumed your meant the worst (it's-all-about-me-thinking).. I'm sorry!

No I totally understand... we should stick by our husbands for sure.

 

[akmom]

There's a lot of good advice on here. I really don't know what the best course of action is.

I think I agree that your approach is not working. You are expecting him to make the right choice when there are no consequences for the wrong choice, and a whole lot of temptation rooting for the wrong choice. Personally I do not think it is "unloving" to put pressure on a person. I think it is very reasonable to secure your finances and assets, so that a separation will not be devastating to you in that respect. That is not giving up on the marriage. That is simply preparing for a possibility that HE has put on the table. And financial ruin is a very real consequence of divorce. It's a natural consequence, not an act of vengeance on your part. When you share a life with someone, you have assets together. When you split, so do the assets. Dealing with that now may be a wake-up call to him. If not, it's at least wise for you.

Personally, I think I WOULD talk to the other woman, if you have the ability. Why shouldn't you? He doesn't own her. You don't need his permission to talk to her, like you would need someone's permission to use their stuff. And it's not like it's none of your business. If you were an acquaintance, then maybe it isn't your business to meddle, but he's your HUSBAND. Faithfulness is part of the deal. Most importantly, she is developing this relationship under false pretenses. That's isn't fair to her either, and the truth might just end it completely. Maybe she doesn't even want a man who is still in a viable marriage. Go ahead and tell her. Your marriage isn't some confidential information about him you don't have a right to share.

I don't know. I haven't been in this situation, but I've seen plenty of people go though it and waste a perfectly good marriage on a romantic whim that ultimately didn't work out. It's so sad.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Comes to mind:

27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 NIV

PS) can someone tell me how to remove my own post?!

 

[Dave-W]

PS) can someone tell me how to remove my own post?!

Post or thread?

Thread takes a mod or admin.

Individual post can be edited to just be a period. .

 

[IceCreamCone]

You are arguing in the flesh. Fight for your marriage in the spirit. Fast and pray. Be loving to him even when he isn't behaving lovable. Read Gods word about marriage and speak it daily and watch His hands move. Gods word shall not return to him void. As hard as it may be, Don't argue with him anymore you gave it to God now leave it there.

This strange woman is trespassing and it is not of God because it is going contrary to His word. Stand firm in your beliefs and keep your slate clean before God concerning the matter, Fast and Pray and I will remember you and your husband in my prayers. God Bless you.

Isaiah 55:11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.