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Help with abusive relationship. Major problem.

CounselorForChrist

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I'll try to keep this short. My wife and I are talking to a woman from my wifes country (the Philippians) who came here two years ago and married her christian fiance.

She said as soon as she came here she said he changed from what he acted like online (they should have met first mind you). He goes to a church with barley any members and no real "umph" to it. They all seem depressed like they don't even care about God. When she was 7 months pregnant he pushed her down a small flight of stair (5 stairs).

She called the police and that was it. Since then he tells her every day "I <swearing> hate you!". He literally leads his own life in and out of the house and doesn't even talk to her or check in on her. She has access to his money solely for the purpose of taking care of the baby and buying food...etc. He constantly verbally assaults her and has hit her a few times.

She sits on her laptop and sits online talking to people because she doesn't really have any local friends and hes also her only ride. When they do go out he pretends hes friendly and she to scared to say anything to his or her family. She talked about him to us while he was sitting in the same room watching sports. Which she says is all he does.

The problem is shes given up on everything. Prayer, life...etc. She thinks God hates her because He warned her before the marriage but she didn't listen. We've been encouraging her but theres obviously only so much we can do. She called the cops again yesterday but she hasn't spoken about what happened nor has she really talked to us. Not sure if her husband finally looked at what she typed or what. When he say "Hi" online theres no response.

Her problem is she wants a divorce but feels convicted about doing it. However she is leaning towards doing it. But there is one major issue. Because shes only been here 2 years, if she divorces him she will be deported to the Philippines because under law your wife has stay here 3 years without any major fights. One major fight and you go back home (for the women's safety).

But she has a child now and shes being told by friends that her child would be stuck staying with him since the child is american born. Which leaves her stuck on what to do. And she also has no where to stay if she decided to do so, so shes scared what he might do to her or her child if she lives there while divorcing. That and she doesn't really have the money to file for divorce or do much else or the time (could take months) to get her child to go to her country.

Her husband stopped doing drugs and drinking (like another couple we know) 5 years ago when he got saved. Shes been a christian for 15 years. We are not sure how to help her at this point. No matter what she does it seems like shes going to lose either way. I tried telling her to come here or find a shelter but she doens't want anyone else involved. Suggestions?
 
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If I was her I'd get legal advice from real lawyers who know the law and what her rights are and not people who watch a lot of Judge Judy. I know the US takes great steps to make sure that US citizens aren't denied access to their kids by deporting them but I know they also don't make a habit of deporting one parent from a child born in the US. There are lawyers everywhere that deal with this sort of stuff.
 
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bethrow

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How far do you live from her?
How does she know that she will be deported without her baby because her husband is abusing her?
She needs to be documenting everything, keeping it in a safe place, is there any way you can get to her and help her open a bank account...seek legal advice about her rights. She is being abused and her child is in danger also.
Is her husband Fillipino? How scary.
She needs to know of the nearest shelter. They will make plans to get her. I feel sorry for her and I don't even know her. These poor women go overseas for a better life only to be abused and neglected. Sad.
 
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dayhiker

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That is the a big possible danger for a person leaving a home country to come to America to marry a man. Many men who are single and looking over seas are single for a reason after all.
Sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom on a any solution for her. I will say I don't see her sinning to protect her life and the life of her child.
 
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Hetta

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That is the a big possible danger for a person leaving a home country to come to America to marry a man. Many men who are single and looking over seas are single for a reason after all.
Exactly. Those poor women who find themselves in this position.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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Yeah shes just telling me what she heard from other couples who have come here, granted none of them are going through what she is. So they are guessing to. I think shes mainly afraid of leaving the house because the philippines government tells them when they leave they can be deported if they have any major fight that causes them to leave the home where they are at with their husband.

Whats sad is like with every filipino woman, they go to a special class for 9 hours that goes through many things like what it will be like when here, how to see if your husband is abusive before you leave...etc. Somehow she passed the class and proved her husband was not abusive. But one person who used to work at those classes says alot of the women will go to america even if they are told by the teacher that their husband may be lying to them. Its sad.

I mean don't want a husband bad enough that your willing to take whoever you can get. Then again we know many men are so good at manipulation that they may really think their husband is a nice guy. I've told many women MEET your future husband first for a few weeks to make sure hes being honest. But alot some avoid that route and just get married without meeting them for long.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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So I asked her again to talk and she said she had a vision yesterday night and she wants to know if its from God or not, obviously I have edited out names in this:


I did tell her it may be desperation kicking because you really think you can change him. But God can't magically change him, he has to be willing to accept hes being abusive and want to change. Again she did bring up though God and her friends told her not to marry him, but she took the chance anyways.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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Yeah thats what I told her but she says she has no one to stay with. I told her about women's shelters but shes scared to go to those. As shown in my last post though I think shes trying to stay with him because she thinks her vision above is God telling her to stay with him.
 
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bethrow

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If she is abused and neglected. God does not want his children unhappy. He wants his children safe. I'm not sure if it's from God.
 
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Inkachu

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Legally separate and file for divorce as soon as the 3 year mark passes (if that is truly the law, someone needs to find out for sure). She needs to be AWAY from this guy before he starts abusing the baby as well (or worse). Whether her "vision" was from God or not, she needs to secure safety for herself and her child NOW.

And if she's refusing to go to a shelter, and has no friends or family to stay with, there's nothing else you can do. You can't make her leave him. We all know how often an abused woman will stick with her abuser despite the danger to herself and her children. All you can do is pray for her protection.
 
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