help, soon to be separated

[super mom]

my husband and i have been having alot of problems latly and we have talked about separting if not divorce, and things hqave just gotten worse between us. we are currently staying in a family homeless shelter and my husband has taken to panhandling and seems proud of it. then he has started to spend alot of time out at night if not out all night, mind you to think about the fact that he is disabled with rhuematiod arthritis and cannot be out in the cold or his joints lock up on him. this is a few weeks after he siad to me " the thought has popped into my mind that i should go and get a girlfriend" he spends like 9 to 10 hours a day panhandling and he comes home and says to me that he has only made like 15 dollars. i don't want him panhandling i want ot go out and get a job so he won't do it no more but if he is not there to take care of the children what am i supposed to do?


i am at a loss as to what to do anymore. i have never had this many mental problems flaring up at the same time for me. i can't even sit down to eat a meal with him anymore because i tried tonight and i threw up my dinner and he made a nasty comment about me just up and running off from the dinner table and not coming right back.

 

[OasisBuilder]

Hi Super Mom,
I hear you.
What is a Pan-Handler?
INDEPENDENT INCOME
FREEDOM
SURVIVAL
FRESH START
Just a few words that come to mind.
What have you got to lose?

 

[tryingtobeagain]

SuperMom,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Is there someone you and the kids can stay with for a while? Do you know of any financial aid programs that may be able to help you find daycare or babysitting services as well as housing? I don't know what to tell you other than, if you can work out the babysitting and get a job you will not be depending on him and be able to do what is best for you and your kids. I will keep you in my prayers and keep us updated about your situation.

 

[super mom]

Hi Super Mom,
I hear you.
What is a Pan-Handler?
INDEPENDENT INCOME
FREEDOM
SURVIVAL
FRESH START
Just a few words that come to mind.
What have you got to lose?

pan handler is a person that sits on the sidwalk and has a sign that says they need help with money

 

[super mom]

SuperMom,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Is there someone you and the kids can stay with for a while? Do you know of any financial aid programs that may be able to help you find daycare or babysitting services as well as housing? I don't know what to tell you other than, if you can work out the babysitting and get a job you will not be depending on him and be able to do what is best for you and your kids. I will keep you in my prayers and keep us updated about your situation.

i cannot get daycare or finacial aid until my husbadn has the doctor fill out a form that states that he cannot work or we both have to have a job or be going to school. there is no one else that me and the kids can stay with cause if there was we would not be in the shelter where my special needs child keeps getting sick, but the shelter helps with housing transition but it takes awhile to get inot an apartment or a house

 

[Gimpy]

my husband and i have been having alot of problems latly and we have talked about separting if not divorce, and things hqave just gotten worse between us. we are currently staying in a family homeless shelter and my husband has taken to panhandling and seems proud of it. then he has started to spend alot of time out at night if not out all night, mind you to think about the fact that he is disabled with rhuematiod arthritis and cannot be out in the cold or his joints lock up on him. this is a few weeks after he siad to me " the thought has popped into my mind that i should go and get a girlfriend" he spends like 9 to 10 hours a day panhandling and he comes home and says to me that he has only made like 15 dollars. i don't want him panhandling i want ot go out and get a job so he won't do it no more but if he is not there to take care of the children what am i supposed to do?


i am at a loss as to what to do anymore. i have never had this many mental problems flaring up at the same time for me. i can't even sit down to eat a meal with him anymore because i tried tonight and i threw up my dinner and he made a nasty comment about me just up and running off from the dinner table and not coming right back.

This is all very sad. Your husband seems like he is feeling completely helpless and frustrated. I think he has decided panhandling is all he can do to get by. Everything else just sounds like a reaction to losing self respect. He probably feels terrible about not being able to support you and the children and so is reacting in a rebelious manner, because he sees no way out. I would bet if you could get the absolute truth from him, he would say he believes you would be better off without him. Though you may not be because you love him and he loves you, the pain is not easy to deal with. Only God can mend him. Pray God does. He will in time.
God bless you and guide you and your family

 

[danette]

bless your heart!! i understand there is no easy answers...not in this case...but u would be surprised at whats out there if u only seek it out....local churches etc...but u can t make his problems your problems right now u have babies to take care of ...and if ur child is special needs as is mine....there are alot of things he/she qualifies for that will help u with ur situation...saturate yourself in Gods word and pray pray pray....HE will open the doors for u...GOD Bless I pray u will find a solution soon..

 

[super mom]

our youngest is in the hospital again and our 2 yr old cannot come back to baby's room becasue he is sick too and they don't want any of the other children getting sick with what they have and my husband brought back our 2 yr old to his brothers room and last night we got into trouble for having him in there and my husbadn says to me that it will be ok because 2 yr old is over the illness but he is not over it he is still coughing so bad he throws up. then he starts in on me getting a job and why i have not got one this week and i told him right where the bear poops in the woods. i had to cleean our room or we would have lost our kids to the state and then the baby has been in the hospital since thursday. after i cleaned our room i went to bed then got up the next day and my husband trashed it all by himself and tried to say that our 2 yr old did it but the 2 yr old was still asleep so there was no way that he did it. i am tired of him not taking responsibility for his stuff.

 

[Amanda06]

aaaaaaawwwwwwwwww, You have alot going on! I pray that things will be better for you and your family. There are kind and wonderful people willing to help I am just sure of it. What about church. Do you atend a church? Maybe the preacher could help set up some kind of daycare, and maybe a job for you. I know I does not seem like it but there are some good people out there. Maybe Gimpy is right. You husband just wants you to leave him because he can't support the family.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I think Gimpy has a good point. Men do get kind of funny when their pride is hurt and they don't know how to voice it. I also think Amanda raises a good point about seeing if there is someone in your church who would volunteer to help you with babysitting until you get on your feet. I have a friend who just wnet that route and things are working out for her because her and her husband try to work opposite shifts so the babysitter ended up only being needed for a few hours here and there and the babysitter loves kids and has kids the same age so the kids are happy to go there. Keep praying and I will keep praying for you as well.

 

[super mom]

I think Gimpy has a good point. Men do get kind of funny when their pride is hurt and they don't know how to voice it. I also think Amanda raises a good point about seeing if there is someone in your church who would volunteer to help you with babysitting until you get on your feet. I have a friend who just wnet that route and things are working out for her because her and her husband try to work opposite shifts so the babysitter ended up only being needed for a few hours here and there and the babysitter loves kids and has kids the same age so the kids are happy to go there. Keep praying and I will keep praying for you as well.

my husband can't really work anymore so it is all on me for working and it has been a hard adjustment for me to handle and he acts so insensitve to what i a m trying to adjust to.

 

[michaelwriting]

I would say take charge in whatever way you feel is appropriate. You have to do what you can to get your family through this. Many good things have already been brought up. If he can be eligible for disability social security or anything else, I would say to do the best you can to get on your feet again. Also as mentioned before, if you're a member or regular attender at a church, sometimes they can help you out with temporary financial crises. Many of them have a fund set aside for stuff like this. I know that it has to be terribly humbling and I hate to think of the place you're in right now. Do you have some family that you can fall back on to help take care of the kids while you try to get some work? You're in a heck of a mess with the marital relationship, living circumstances, and the emotions of it all. I guess I'd just say to start fighting and kicking and do what you can to get yourself out of this mess. Hope I'm not too blunt.

If you have a mailing address or something, maybe let me and the others know if there's a way to send you some money to get by in the short term.

Mike
michaelwriting@yahoo.com

 

[overit]

Wow, this is a horrific situation!!

Why "can't" he work? That seems odd.....disability or not, there are other jobs that he can do. I don't see the coddling some posters are saying "Oh I'm sure his pride hurts he feels bad". BS!!! Who cares? He's supposed to provide for his family, the Bible even says he that doesn't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. That is how he's behaving.

Personally, since he's never going to provide anyway, I would divorce him, get a job, provide for your kids on your own and realize you can do it!

So many get stuck in his vicious cycle!!! So, do what you have to do. Let him stay with the kids, get a job, build up some money so you can start paying daycare and I'm sure the state will help you get on your feet as well.

Good riddance, proud of panhandling, talking about getting a glfnd, demanding his wife get out there get a job, dirtying what she cleans, LETTING HIS FAMILY GET INTO THIS SITUATION IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Reprehensible behavior. Completely irresponsible!
Supermom, you can make it, believe me, you can.

God bless you as you move forward in life and do what you must to provide for your kids, it's up to you now. Your husband gave up that responsibility, it's now yours. Run with it, head to the grind (as unfair as this is) and do what you must. Your children depend on you.

 

[super mom]

Wow, this is a horrific situation!!

Why "can't" he work? That seems odd.....disability or not, there are other jobs that he can do. I don't see the coddling some posters are saying "Oh I'm sure his pride hurts he feels bad". BS!!! Who cares? He's supposed to provide for his family, the Bible even says he that doesn't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. That is how he's behaving.

Personally, since he's never going to provide anyway, I would divorce him, get a job, provide for your kids on your own and realize you can do it!

So many get stuck in his vicious cycle!!! So, do what you have to do. Let him stay with the kids, get a job, build up some money so you can start paying daycare and I'm sure the state will help you get on your feet as well.

Good riddance, proud of panhandling, talking about getting a glfnd, demanding his wife get out there get a job, dirtying what she cleans, LETTING HIS FAMILY GET INTO THIS SITUATION IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Reprehensible behavior. Completely irresponsible!
Supermom, you can make it, believe me, you can.

God bless you as you move forward in life and do what you must to provide for your kids, it's up to you now. Your husband gave up that responsibility, it's now yours. Run with it, head to the grind (as unfair as this is) and do what you must. Your children depend on you.

my husband has rheumatiod and osteo arthritis and he has been found incompacitated to do any form of wok available out there. and yes a man is supposed to take care of his family and he does to the degree that he can handle. it seems wrong to divorce him because he is disabled, there is reason to divorce only if there was a form of unfaithfulness in the marriage and the bible states that strongly, so strongly in fact that it is ststed in numerous locations in the bible. because he is disabled that is not a form of marital unfaithfulness ( unfaithfulnesss does not have to be cheating on your spouse it can be other things too). and as for dirting what i clean the house cannot stay clean 24-7 things do get dirty, i have resigned myself to that

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Hey Super Mom, have there been any changes lately? How is everything going now?

 

[fulltime]

Supermom, most homeless shelters have a list of local churches and the the services that they can help you with. Also look into close by support groups that you can get involved in. The main focus here is the children and a safe place for them to stay. I am happy that you at least have a place to stay. Hang in there and lift it up to God and he will work through these areas. I will pray for you.

 

[super mom]

there have been changes to some degree but it does not stay changed. the baby is schedualed for open heart surgery in may and my husband wants to move out by himself and leave us in the shelter. my parents are going to take my two year old for awhile during the surgery and for awhile after the surgery. i am concerned about his mental health having dad leave then having mom send him away to grandma and grandpas for a few weeks.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sure it will be good for your 2 year old to have some time with the Grandparents, just talk to him about taking a trip to see them and visiting them for a vacation. Why would your husband move and leave you in a shelter? That dosen't make very much sense. If anything he should be concerned for you and the kids to have a place first.

 

[super mom]

Oh, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sure it will be good for your 2 year old to have some time with the Grandparents, just talk to him about taking a trip to see them and visiting them for a vacation. Why would your husband move and leave you in a shelter? That dosen't make very much sense. If anything he should be concerned for you and the kids to have a place first.

my two year old i think due to alot of the stress going on he doesn't seem to understand very much. when i tell him he is going to visit "mamma and pappa" he gets happy but when they talk to him on the phone about it he gets angry and trys to throw the phone. with all the stress he is not on t he right speaking level of a two year old. he will start talking then something stressful will happen then he goes back to babble and baby talk

 

[tryingtobeagain]

That's a hard thing to deal with. I did intensive speach therapy with my daughter and also did sign language to help her to communicate. It really helped her to stay calm because she knew I could understand her and most of her frustration was from the fact that she understood me fine and I couldn't understand her. I pray things get better for you.