Help Please

[Liliana]

6 years ago I had an abortion (that just killed me to type that), but it's true I did, it was my choice to go through wiht it. I have numbed myself to the fact ever since and it has never touched me hearing people talking about *a* because I have just being so numb to it.
It is now, when I am engaged and talking about starting a family in the next 12 months that I've been thinking about what I did. My finacee doesn't know (it wouldn't have been his child, and because it's to do with my past I don't think he needs to know, I haven't even dealt with what I did myself so God only knows how he would deal with knowing this).
I wasn't a Christian at the time (but that's no excuse, I believed in God then and I should have prayed) Since becoming a Christian I haven't really approached God about it, I have with my pastor, very briefly and prayers were lifted but I was numb then too. I dare'nt go before God with this, I know that when I do I will have to deal with it and I just don't feel worthy of forgiveness, I truly don't.
For some reason tonight it's hit me hard and I've cried like never before, it's as though someone has removed the numbness from me and all I can now feel is the raw reality of it all, but I break down and I just can't bring myself to ask for forgiveness, maybe I don't want it. I don't know what to do with these feelings.

 

[mourningdove~]

(Hi Liliana ... since you posted both here and in the Abortion Recovery Room, I've posted my response there. )

 

[lips2nv]

I had an abortion 10 years ago and briefly told my husband before we were married.About a year ago God opened a door for ministry for me and I share my testimony at different youth and college groups. I also had another child 3 years later that my husband adopted. Before I spoke the first time , I talked with him about all I was going to share and it hadn't hit him until then. He was mourning for me and took it real heard.I think its important to share this with your spouse. It will help me understand you better and allow you to have someone to lean on. If you haven't dealt with this and forgiven your self, this issure will surface again in some form and you won't feel burdened by a secret. God wants to free you from it. You don't have to be bound by it anymore!
Dawn

 

[blvrnchrist]

Honey, feeling that pain for the first time is awful...I know. I went through the same thing. I was numb for more than 6 years..numb in every way to everything. Could not remember the last time I cried. I have other issues in my past that I am talking about now...but this is the biggie. I started doing an online study to help me deal with it...even though I felt like I had dealth with it fine. I had taken it to God several time. BUT!!!! Here is the important piece that was missing....just because it was our choice doesn't mean we can't mourn that loss...we HAVE to mourn the loss of that child. You have to feel grief and get through the grieving process over that child, regardless of why, who, and how they were lost. It is the hardest thing in the world to do, and I will admit that I stopped as soon as I felt the excruciating pain and guilt and bawled my eyes out on my bathroom floor for what I had done....but the crying felt good afterward. I went numb again after that, but I will move on...and so will you, but we have to get through the really hard part first.

Thank you for sharing...I came to this site tonight to write about another issue, which I did, but then I saw your post and it ignited a powerful and urgent need to share my feelings with you. I will pray for your grieving...but can't tell you how to come out the other side yet because I haven't. BUT WE WILL!! With His help!
Your sister in Christ!!