Help, incident this afternoon causing shock

[helpwanted5]

Sometime after our family had lunch this afternoon, we put our children into bed for the afternoon. Later on, all of our children were up and playing together except our youngest, a 3 year old. I decided to check up on him so I knocked on his door. He told me not to come in and was very insistent. I waited a few minutes and knocked again and recieved the same response. I didn't know what he was doing but it didn't seem right for him to be so secretive so I walked into the room. I was instantly in shock from what he was doing and I still don't understand it, and am not sure if I did the right thing. When I opened the door, he had his pants down, and he was standing up and masturbating very fast. You can imagine my surprise as I saw this. He's only three years old. He stopped once he realized the door had been opened. I asked him where he learned to do that, and he said that he thought of it. But I was worried that someone might have molested him or something so I asked him later who taught him how to do that, but he insisted that he thought of it on his own. I told him to try not to do it that often, but said it is ok to do if he was alone with no one around. I don't want to discourage the behavior but I don't want to encourage it either so I'm not sure what to do. And I'm still worried that someone might have fondled him once and maybe he isn't saying. I don't know, how do most children discover masturbation, can they really discover on their own or do they have to be taught?

 

[Neenie1]

I don't know, I have heard of 3 yo boys playing with themselves, but not to the intensity you describe.

My son does it too, especially in the past few months when we have been potty training and it's been hot, so he's been occasionally not wearing any pants inside the house.

I can understand why you are concerned, I would be too, if you think there is a chance he has been molested, then you need to look at a few other signs that he may be exhibiting (can't help too much here, but there are tell tale signs if a child has been molested) Because children sometimes lie about if they have been molested.

 

[bliz]

Children all discover their own genetalia and most discover that it feels good to touch. Little boys can and do get erections which tends to make them all the more aware of theirs.

I think you approach to the matter was very good and as much as I would worry, too, I don't think this means that he was touched inappropriatly by anyone. However, you might also consider if he is in need of more affection and touching in general. Self soothing and self stimulating actions are not uncommon, but they can sometimes be an indication that the normal needs for touch and attention may be going unmet. If so, that doesn't mean you are bad parents! The needs of kids in this area vary greatly - one child needs a whole lot of hugging and touching and the next, in the same family, needs very little.

 

[Andry]

I tend to agree that it seems a bit young, but hey, each child is different. The last thing you want is for them not to be open with you about it, and doing it in secret. You need for them to always be able to talk to you about it without embarassment or fear of punishment.

If it seems its getting more chronic - if that the right word - IMO seek a professional counsellor.

BTW, my son's five, and he's asked me questions about his penis but hasn't 'discovered' masturbation yet. So what you guys say here is helpful, thank you.

 

[Neenie1]

I just reread my post and realised that it might mean something different to what I wrote.

I haven't seen my son "touch" what I have seen is just touching it while he's not wearing clothes.

 

[CarrieAg93]

I wouldn't be too concerned about him touching himself. What would bother me is that he felt the need to hide it from you. This would be a red flag to me that he either learned it from someone else or that someone else saw him doing it and made him feel bad about. Hopefully it's just the latter, but I would definitely try to find out more without making him more self concious. Good luck.

 

[bliz]

There seems to be an assumption that since your son was doing it behind a closed door and he did not want you to enter that he knew it was wrong or thought it weas wrong or something to be ashamed of had learned it from someone who told him to keep it secret. I disagree. This little boy, like all kids, has been paying very close attention to what goes on in his house. He has observed, I am sure, that when guys do things with their penis - primarily going to the bathroom, they do so behind closed doors and in private.

I also think that there is a sense within us that tells us that some things are not to be public. I don't think that all of that is learned and clutural behavior.

BTW, my son's five, and he's asked me questions about his penis but hasn't 'discovered' masturbation yet.

I would have to add - not that you know of. I'm sure that your son has time alone when he may or may not have "discovered" mastrubation. If he limits himself to time when he is in bed or when he goes to the bathroom, you could very well never know. And I think that's as it should be.

The last thing you want is for them not to be open with you about it, and doing it in secret. You need for them to always be able to talk to you about it without embarassment or fear of punishment.

Well, frankly, I'd just as soon that my kids not tell me "I think I'm going to spend some time this evening mastrubating." I prefer that they keep it a secret from me. I think it's reasonable to assume that they have all explored their own bodies to some degree or another. How early they started? I have no idea and frankly, it's none of my business.

 

[helpwanted5]

Well Thank you all for your help, I hadn't realized what a common activity this was among children, I hadn't realized that many children discover it all on their own. And I also feel like I did the right thing when I first caught him sunday afternoon.

But I wanted to make sure that he has never been touched by someone else unappropriately. So I talked to him again yesterday and asked him why he felt the need to keep his activity a secret. He said it was because when we go to the bathroom we lock the door or when we get dressed we don't do it in front of others.

I still wasn't totally convinced but it helped. Later he told me how he discovered it, he was alone one evening and accidentally discovered the feeling when doing something else. He said that sunday afternoon wasn't his first time, just that it was the first time anyone has seen him.

I wanted to know how getting caught might have affected him. But I don't know how to find that out, and I'm not sure if I should bring it up with him anymore, or if I should just leave it alone. But I can relax because I know no one abused him or anything and at least we don't have that to worry about.

 

[snowflakecity]

Yes, it is common for children to touch, take for instance my 12 year old son and my 8 year old daughter. They both discovered somehow when they were little but we chose to ignore it so long as it was being done in private. However, now that our son is 12 we want to talk to him about it but we aren't sure how. Childhood masturbation is one thing but adolescent and adult is another. I believe that it is a sin to touch once you reach an age of accountability. The thing is I don't know when I should talk to my son about this, and I don't know when to impose my views on him, and I worry that he'll start feeling all kinds of guilt if I were too. Anybody have any ideas?

 

[EmSchmem]

I started masturbating when I was about three years old and nothing was ever done about it. It is still an addiction I have so I have read this thread with interest and an unwillingness to reposnd. This thread has actually helped me. I have felt anger towards my parents for not doing anything but am realizing it is more complicated than that. First they probably should't have done anything at the time I started but should have said something when I was entering adolesence. Also I had other situations in my life that contribute to my addiction. So my assertion in this is that all other things being sexually normal here some exploration is probably also normal.

 

[Vilnius]

Yes, it is common for children to touch, take for instance my 12 year old son and my 8 year old daughter. They both discovered somehow when they were little but we chose to ignore it so long as it was being done in private. However, now that our son is 12 we want to talk to him about it but we aren't sure how. Childhood masturbation is one thing but adolescent and adult is another. I believe that it is a sin to touch once you reach an age of accountability. The thing is I don't know when I should talk to my son about this, and I don't know when to impose my views on him, and I worry that he'll start feeling all kinds of guilt if I were too. Anybody have any ideas?

I agree with you, I feel (know) that masturbation is sinful because of the lust that accompanies it and it also leads to other non-spiritual problems. Think about it, how good of a loving partner is a boy going to become if he masturbates regularly (daily) for years and then marries? For ten years or more, sex for him has only been about making his penis feel good and about [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] and this has been accompanied by fantasies that have become progressively more perverted and far removed from what a loving wife will most likey offer sexually.

I caution you not to try to impose your views; it will be much more effective to teach and let your son come to understand the problems with masturbation and also to fully understand God's forgiveness when we act out. I can recommend a few good books. First, read Dr. Archibald Hart's book "The Sexual Man."He talks about how male sexuality has become warped and how that process begins at or near puberty. He discusses the problems that come from masturbation and also strongly cautions never to punish but to educate. He talks about "good guilt"and "bad guilt." I think it is the best book on male sexuality from a Christian view point. For the pre-pubescent there is the book Preparing your son for Every Man's Battle. It never mentions masturbation but is a good book dealing with preparing your son for sexual integrety. For boys and young men who are already pretty deep into masturbation the authors have written "Every Young Man's Battle." Two other books that deal with purity that you may prefer are "Not Even a Hint by Joshua Harris and "Who Moved the Goal Post" by Bob Gresh.

Good luck, and please feel free to write for any further advice.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

O.k I was sorta confused b/c in your first post you said he was masterbating really fast. I admit kids do touch themselves, I have 4 boys that have occasionally done the "humping"(while on the floor) action when they were tots. They did it in front of us b/c they didn't view it as wrong so they weren't being sneaky about it! I think I'd be more concerned if they were being sneaky. They also touch themselves but not to the point of an errection.Yes they have had involuntary erections just so no one misunderstands! Three does sound young to touch,(masterbating-where you know what the result will be, i.e [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]) but you have cleared the misunderstanding up

 

[helpwanted5]

Getting caught isn't what will affect him positively or negatively, lots of kids get caught in the act.. its how you react, and I think you reacted very well by the sounds of it.

You may not want to bring it up while he's so young as long as its not interfering with any other dailly routine or activity, when he's older and curious about sex though, then you may want to have a whole discussion about masturbation at that point.

If his masturbation is interfering with other things.. like mealtime, school, etc. then at that point it may be time for an earlier discussion on, if nothing else, responsibility and doing what you *have* to do before you do what you, uhh, want to do.. this could be applicable with everything from what he's discovered here, to playing with his toys. Getting obsessed with the practice is his only major danger at that age I think.

~ ~

Well it looks like it isn't interfering with other things, I mean if he's been doing it for a while and nobody would even know about it now if I didn't stumble in on him sunday. So I know he isn't obsessed with it. Was just an initial shock at first. Thanks for your help.

 

[dlschroeder]

I started masturbating when I was about three years old and nothing was ever done about it. It is still an addiction I have so I have read this thread with interest and an unwillingness to reposnd. This thread has actually helped me. I have felt anger towards my parents for not doing anything but am realizing it is more complicated than that. First they probably should't have done anything at the time I started but should have said something when I was entering adolesence. Also I had other situations in my life that contribute to my addiction. So my assertion in this is that all other things being sexually normal here some exploration is probably also normal.

I think it also is a good thing for parents to discuss this activity with their children. Like EmSchemm, I discovered masturbation at an early age, and am still addicted to it. And I discoverred it all on my own when I was 2 or 3 as well. But my parents didn't react positively or negatively towards it. Even when I was 5 or 6 and did it in front of them on purpose just to get them to talk to me about it, it never happened. I enjoyed this activity in secret after that till I was 18 without knowing what it even was or if it was normal. It's probably not right for them to tell everything about it nor would it be appropriate but I definately feel and wished I knew at least a little bit about it, even if I was very young.

 

[dlschroeder]

O.k I was sorta confused b/c in your first post you said he was masterbating really fast. I admit kids do touch themselves, I have 4 boys that have occasionally done the "humping"(while on the floor) action when they were tots. They did it in front of us b/c they didn't view it as wrong so they weren't being sneaky about it! I think I'd be more concerned if they were being sneaky. They also touch themselves but not to the point of an errection.Yes they have had involuntary erections just so no one misunderstands! Three does sound young to touch,(masterbating-where you know what the result will be, i.e [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]) but you have cleared the misunderstanding up

Ok, it is normal for children to touch in a soft, non-agressive way such as humping on the floor or on a bed. But it is also normal for other children to do it in a very fast aggressive way. They may be too young to actually have an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but they can still do this agressively. And it is normal for them to do it sneakingly, not necessarily that they feel guilt or anything, many just know not to do it around others.

 

[Athanasian Creed]

(snip)

Later he told me how he discovered it, he was alone one evening and accidentally discovered the feeling when doing something else. He said that sunday afternoon wasn't his first time, just that it was the first time anyone has seen him.

I wanted to know how getting caught might have affected him. But I don't know how to find that out, and I'm not sure if I should bring it up with him anymore, or if I should just leave it alone. But I can relax because I know no one abused him or anything and at least we don't have that to worry about.

LOL, that's a pretty typical response one would get if you asked boys how they discovered masturbation - discovering that their penises are actually very pleasurable parts of the male anatomy ! It should give encourage you that he was so open about it. There might come a time when he will be less so as he moves into puberty. At least it should make having "the talk" easier. If i was in your shoes, i might begin to give it to him starting now - as much as he can understand, a little at a time. The purpose is to keep the line of communication open with him.

As to the affect getting caught might have on him, one thing for sure, he'll make sure the next time he does it that he's less likely to get caught "in the act" and moreso as he moves into puberty because getting caught by one's parent at that age, especially by mom would be a VERY traumatic experience for BOTH parties !

Looks like you handled it well - God's wisdom be yours in the years to come.


Ray

 

[Athanasian Creed]

Yes, it is common for children to touch, take for instance my 12 year old son and my 8 year old daughter. They both discovered somehow when they were little but we chose to ignore it so long as it was being done in private. However, now that our son is 12 we want to talk to him about it but we aren't sure how. Childhood masturbation is one thing but adolescent and adult is another. I believe that it is a sin to touch once you reach an age of accountability. The thing is I don't know when I should talk to my son about this, and I don't know when to impose my views on him, and I worry that he'll start feeling all kinds of guilt if I were too. Anybody have any ideas?

I would look at it less as "imposing" your views and more like "sharing" not only your views but also your experiences. Believe me, your son is VERY interested in what you, his dad, has to say on things AND sharing one on one with him is VERY reassuring to him (even if at times he gives the cold shoulder or a look of indifference which many times is just a defence mechanism)

As to when to have "the talk" the best time IMO is in a relaxed environment, preferrably just you and him (father/son camping trip for example) If you share your view point with him on masturbation and he feels guilt because he does it, he will learn to form his own opinions on what is right and wrong (hopefully from a Biblical perspective) It's all part of growing up and becoming independent. He will respect you if he sees consistancy in what you say and what you do in real life. He may, or he may not, take your views as his own. That's where prayer comes in - "prayer changes things and changes the people that pray" We are commanded to "train up a child in the way he should go" - the rest is between our children and God.

In all things, be a consistent witness of God to your kids, BE REAL, transparent, never beyond saying "i'm sorry". As much as it lies within you, keep the lines of communcation open with them but NEVER compromise your Biblical standards - even with them !

God give you wisdom in dealing with your children.


Ray

 

[notanotherusednic]

Hi, I'm thirteen years old and I can't help but notice your topic. My question is about my sister she is eight but has always been masturbating in front of people everyday since she was very little, and it is embarrassing for myself when I have friends over. My parents just ignore the activity and don't do anything. Is there anything I should be doing?

 

[Leah52805]

When I had my son, that was one of the things I worried about! How does a mom deal with this?!?!? My sister in law suggested a great book to me, Bringing up Boys by James Dobson. It explains that from a very young age that males are sexually aroused. Your son probably has no idea what he's doing, just that they explore that area very young, and every child is different. I don't really know what to say regarding molestation... I guess that would depend on who he is left with, etc. I can't give advice regarding what the signs are of that, and I really want to research that! Anyway, read this book!! It has helped me understand so much more!

God Bless!!

 

[RedTulipMom]

I had a girl cousin who used to rub her private area on everything, the table, chair etc, with her clothes still on. She would just rub up against something for 15 mins at a time in front of people. her parents said nothing. I thought it was weird and i was a year older, but she did it so often i just got used to it and started to ignore it!!