help I have a question about lying

[hollymarie1122]

I have posted before about some of the issues that my husband and I have been having issues about him being at church or work all the time and not home, well it went from bad to worse to better and back to bad, I finally got tired of talking to him and getting no response or no change so I went to our Pastor. He decided he was going to talk to him and kind of put him under his wing so to speak, they have met once and it seemed to be good after that for a while (a few days or so) but now it is bad, I am suspecting he is lying to me about things I don't think he is cheating or anything but then I start to wonder, if hes not then why is he lying. I need to know, if you think your husband was lying to you about where he got money from and then "can't" find his pay stub (which he usually cashes then gives us the m oney for our joint account) how would you approach the situation? I don't want to cause more fighting, the last few days have been nothing but screaming at me.


Thanks in advance

 

[bliz]

I'm a little confused... does he have extra money or not enough money?

What kinds of things is he screaming at you about? Under what circumstances does he scream at you?

 

[heartnsoul]

Holly, I am very sorry to hear about your situation getting worse. You owe it to yourself, your kids, and to God to be with a man who respects you and is honest with you.I don't understand why he is screaming at you. Is that his reaction to you asking him where is his paycheck? If that is how he is truly treating you and withholding information and paycheck from you, then you need to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

I am going to assume you have been praying hard. Unfortunately, only God can touch his heart and change his attitude. It sounds like to me you have tried everything you can and for some unknown reason he is not treating you properly.

Maybe you can go live with your parents and temporarily separate from him for a while and give yourself a chance to clear you mind. You must be experiencing a lot of emotional pain right now and despair. My heart grieves for you. There is a time to let go and a time to fight. Sounds like you have done everything you can to fight for the marriage. I am going to have to recommend you to take a step back and see what happens.

As long as you have doubt about his honesty and he is not willing to share his paycheck with you, then your mind will not be at peace and you will be living under lots of stress. Communication is very very important in a marriage and it sounds like both of you do not have construction communication.

Give yourself a break from all of this and maybe time apart will help your husband cool down and maybe have a change of heart. God will be working on both of you while you are apart.

 

[hollymarie1122]

I love the idea of going to my parents house but my mom lives with us. we were arguing because I said he snapped at me and he just went off yelling at me, when I told him he didn't need to yell at me like this he just went off yellling that I don't ever let him finish talking. this was all last night so we are calm. He always gives us the money and the stub (to file) this time it was just the money and then he said "someone gave me a $100 dollar bill. I don't believe him, I haven't told him that, I asked for his pay stub today and for the first time ever "he lost it"

 

[hollymarie1122]

I understand the yelling and being mad whatever I can deal with that, but what I can't deal with is the fact I don't trust what he said to me and I don't know how to approach the situation

and I don't know why I should have to let him yell at me like last night and treat me like poop and then pretend like nothing happened no sorry or anything

 

[heartnsoul]

I understand the yelling and being mad whatever I can deal with that, but what I can't deal with is the fact I don't trust what he said to me and I don't know how to approach the situation

and I don't know why I should have to let him yell at me like last night and treat me like poop and then pretend like nothing happened no sorry or anything

Well, I guess when he finally calms down, you can go over to him and ask him nicely if he and you can talk like "civil" adults. When he is in the "mood" to talk, then you can approach him about the money situation. Honesty is very very important. You are justified to feel upset and unsettled about this money thing. Do not let this go by or ignore it. Lying always starts little and it gets easier every time to lie (from what I have heard). So, it's best to nip this in the bud now before things escalate. So find the right time to talk with him openly about things.

As far as treating you like poop, men can sometimes act extremely insensitive and immature. They don't take time to think before speaking. They just REACT and end up hurting others with their words and actions. All you can do is forgive him and pray to God. God sees all and knows what you are going through. God is just and things will work out at the end. Know that all things work together for the good. My husband doesn't handle stress well sometimes and reacts too. So I know how you feel.

As far as the honesty issue, that is something that needs to be addressed. Trust is very important in a marriage so that is not to be taken lightly and worth your effort to pursue and persevere in resolving the problem.

Keep us posted. Feel free to PM me if you want. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

 

[Princessperky]

Accusations of lying hurt, especially when they are true, or worse when the lie is for the other person. Meaning if DH is caught sneaking to do something for me he is CRANKY. Humor and an appology for being nosy on my part usually gets him out of it.

Honesty is imoprtant, and so is trust. Why would a dude lie about having more money than usual? and why is he supposed to be so accountable to you? I mean yeah I want honesty, but I know when I was a kid the need to do homework never bothered me, the need for my parents to pester me about it did. I think at home I would be bothered the same way if DH felt the need to drag a confession out of me. BTW direct deposit if possible is a wonderful way to remove the whole question.

If you are really burning to know (or if you suspect something illegal) ask if you should either write a thankyou to the doner, or if maybe a some baked goods would suffice. He picks you deliver and find out the truth, if he doesn't pick then say you don't feel right accepting someting without thanks how about a joint prayer?

Generally for screaming I have found that screaming back is the most uneffective (err ineffective?) way to stop it, seconded by tears. Usually what works here is one of us gets calm, and hopefully rational, and asks exactly what are we mad about? Generally a guy will stop yelling if he is required to state outloud that he is mad cause tried to do something nice (or cause he is caught in a lie).

During any fight, try to stay on topic, finish dealing with the money, then worry about dirty socks strewn about. (actually it sounds like socks are pretty low on the list, fortunatly you have a lifetime to work on it all)

If you are honestly thinking of foul play or something odd like that, look closly at the man you agreed to spend the rest of your life with, and be honest with him. Tell him your fears, and hope they are groundless, and IMO appologize for mistrust if they are If they arn't then you can focus on the real issue. Whatever it was he did that he felt the need to lie about.

When DH and I were newly married I had a silly theory about DH. I mentioned it to him and asked his help to get over it. He gladly supplied all the missing information and all the extra support I could want to get over it. I think if my silly fear was real, then he would have prolly noticed how it upset me, and how I assumed the BEST (trusting him), and would still have offered to help together get thru it. I didn't go accusing him, I went expecting the truth to be much better than my imagination, and it was as usual.

Oh on appologies, Men IME rarely ever give them voluntarily, but when asked for a specific appology IE "I am upest that you yelled at me, it would make me feel better if you appologized" Usually works. For me I am generally not done being mad till I get one,a nd I have a terrible habit of asking 'what for?' when I hear 'sorry' so I appologize first for my need and then get a full appology for whatever he is sorry for. Also the more you are willing to appologize for, the more a guy is often willing to appologize for. Humor helps here too. (I said sorry are you gonna? with a smile!)

 

[hollymarie1122]

Accusations of lying hurt, especially when they are true, or worse when the lie is for the other person. Meaning if DH is caught sneaking to do something for me he is CRANKY. Humor and an appology for being nosy on my part usually gets him out of it.

Honesty is imoprtant, and so is trust. Why would a dude lie about having more money than usual? and why is he supposed to be so accountable to you? I mean yeah I want honesty, but I know when I was a kid the need to do homework never bothered me, the need for my parents to pester me about it did. I think at home I would be bothered the same way if DH felt the need to drag a confession out of me. BTW direct deposit if possible is a wonderful way to remove the whole question.

If you are really burning to know (or if you suspect something illegal) ask if you should either write a thankyou to the doner, or if maybe a some baked goods would suffice. He picks you deliver and find out the truth, if he doesn't pick then say you don't feel right accepting someting without thanks how about a joint prayer?

Generally for screaming I have found that screaming back is the most uneffective (err ineffective?) way to stop it, seconded by tears. Usually what works here is one of us gets calm, and hopefully rational, and asks exactly what are we mad about? Generally a guy will stop yelling if he is required to state outloud that he is mad cause tried to do something nice (or cause he is caught in a lie).

During any fight, try to stay on topic, finish dealing with the money, then worry about dirty socks strewn about. (actually it sounds like socks are pretty low on the list, fortunatly you have a lifetime to work on it all)

If you are honestly thinking of foul play or something odd like that, look closly at the man you agreed to spend the rest of your life with, and be honest with him. Tell him your fears, and hope they are groundless, and IMO appologize for mistrust if they are If they arn't then you can focus on the real issue. Whatever it was he did that he felt the need to lie about.

When DH and I were newly married I had a silly theory about DH. I mentioned it to him and asked his help to get over it. He gladly supplied all the missing information and all the extra support I could want to get over it. I think if my silly fear was real, then he would have prolly noticed how it upset me, and how I assumed the BEST (trusting him), and would still have offered to help together get thru it. I didn't go accusing him, I went expecting the truth to be much better than my imagination, and it was as usual.

Oh on appologies, Men IME rarely ever give them voluntarily, but when asked for a specific appology IE "I am upest that you yelled at me, it would make me feel better if you appologized" Usually works. For me I am generally not done being mad till I get one,a nd I have a terrible habit of asking 'what for?' when I hear 'sorry' so I appologize first for my need and then get a full appology for whatever he is sorry for. Also the more you are willing to appologize for, the more a guy is often willing to appologize for. Humor helps here too. (I said sorry are you gonna? with a smile!)

thank you for taking the time to post I really do appreciate, i don't want to "accuse" him because he may be being truthful but it just dosen't sound right, he FINALLY came up with his pay stub and it is $100.00 short but he said he spent it on lunch and drinks and cigarettes and blah blah I don't know what to believe I want to think he would have just told me the truth to begine with but who knows, like somoene said when I lie starts it just keeps going. My Pastor and I have worked on some stuff where he is taking my hubby under his wing, I believe that is alot of it he is just far from being wraped in the arms of Christ right now, and I sent another email to my Pastor this morning, I told me hubby "we need to work this stuff out, the anger and the yelling is not acceptable I can't deal with it any longer, we are either going to talk about this you and me or we are going to talk about it with Pastor" I got absolutly NO response. I don't know exactly why this is bugging me so much but I know it is. I mean it is fairly a small amount (in respect to the worth of an entire marraige) but its just the fact that he could lie to me (I have suspected him lying to me in the past but no "proof" or just not worth the confrontation I guess) I guess it comes alot from seeing him flat out lie to his parents and not even feel bad about it. If things happen and someone makes me feel bad he says, well Punch them, I say why what good does that do? I am just going to pray about it and not become like them, he says, I'd punch them. I guess its not as big of issue as some people have but my husband is training to be a PASTOR?????????? any way thanks for your help and any other advice you have.

 

[Princessperky]

I would guess the silence bothers you because you want a solution, even though we know things take time we want proof of understanding! (preferably imediate proof .) He is prolly mulling it over, he may decide to ignore it in hopes you will give up, or he may start working on himself, or he may take you up on your offer. (in any event no response is better than yelling right?)

Keep praying and modeling the better way to behave, and he may start to change. My DH was not as err soft, he was more out for himself, when we first met. Now I was recently mad that the Good will wouldn't take a swing we are getting rid of and suggested he put it straight in the dumpster, he said someone will want it. (turns out my SIL wants it) Might sound like a little thing and it is, but it is a little different than his answer of 7 years ago (had to make money on everything then)

Anyway, people may change if they want to, and if they are lovingly invited to, (not forced to.)

On the specifics of lying again. Have you asked why he lied? He may feel he was pressured to, like a kid, didn't want to get in trouble and took the easy route. You prolly wont get an answer to that one, but if he says you made him feel like he should (I know you didn't mean to and the lie wasn't the right answer regardless) Appologize for making him feel that way, and try to empathise with his trouble. If he just lied cause it is a habit, ask (without anger if possible) why he thinks lieing is ok, and if he would mind if you took up the habit. If you get no answer, go ahead and appologize anyway, (make it an if appology, if I made you feel like a kid, or if you think I am pressuring you, or if you feel you can't have any fun withoiut lieing, etc). It wont hurt any and might soften him up.


If you can't bring yourself or find any way to do that, use it the next time he lies to his parents or someone else, might be easier if it isn't you. Why idd you feel the need to lie to them? was it cause they always argue about the x? (X beign the situation for lie) Was it cause you want them to think things are fine? or... Make something up, youve seen some movies Im sure . Then you can say 'Im sorry they make you feel that way, and try to mention a 'maybe next tiem' that doesn't involve him lieing. Generally it is little or no work for him to use your line, and such a little thing makes wives happy. so why wouldn't he do it for you? (course he is a tall kid, we all are, so don't expect his habits to change overnight! Next time a similar lie comes up mention the alternative again, thank him for trying and all that)

Finding something to appologize for generally helps, I know it seems so UGH to have to appologize when someone else is so much more in the wrong, but.. it helps. And the goal isn't for him to admit he is a terrible person is it? but for him to change a few habits.

BUt whatever you do don't go thinking this is all your fault or something!! Don't follow the path of beaten woman putting up with the old man!!!! No story is all one sided, and NO one person is totally to blame for anything!!! I don't want to be attacted for suggesting you shoulder some responsibility (weather deserved or not) just saying no one likes to think they are the root off all the troubles. brings them to the defensive ratehr than on the road to change.