Help! I can't say it!

[Kicking_Kittens]

Hey Christian Forums! I'm a newb looking for a bit of insight into my relationship. I am currently dating a great non-christian man (And yes, they do exist) and I need some help because well...this is my first relationship. (because I'm a silly nerd-girl who guys don't seem to like D

So I've been dating this man for about 5 months now...
I'm in love... I think.
I don't actually know, because love is a strange thing that I have never felt before now.
However, I think that the amount I care for my boyfriend is probably equal to the words "I love you"
At first, I wanted to hold back on these three words...because I wanted to know that this person was someone I want to give my heart to.

And he is.

But I can't do it...I can't say it. The words are stuck inside me. So much that I feel like I'm choking when I open my mouth to say them.

After intimate moments, all we can do is look at each other, and something in his eyes dares me to say it. All I can do is look back, urging those words to come out of his mouth so I can feel the relief of replying with my love. But all we do is stare, trying our hardest not to blink, so we won't miss a single movement, perhaps thinking that we'll get our wish.

This makes me so undeniably frustrated.

I grew up to a family where there was love, but it wasn't told with words, hugs, or kisses. Now I am in a relationship, and I want to tell him my feelings, but in the end I always end up falling short...holding my breath and biting my tongue. His family is the exact opposite. He's always telling his family how much he loves them, with words hugs and kisses.

I'm worried that he won't want it, that those words to him will mean unwanted commitment.
He's had girlfriends who have been untrue to him in the past, after they wanted to marry him no-less. They hurt him so bad that I don't know if he's ready for me to say it.
I'm so afraid that he won't say them back. That he won't love me in return. I'm utterly afraid of that awkward time afterward, where we won't know what to say or do, because there is "that problem" in the air. I hope that he wants to say it, but is too shy. I might have almost caught him saying it, when I was stumbling and laughing, but I didn't hear him correctly...I still don't know.

We've been together since the beginning of this year, and after that time, I find that I would be very sad to lose him. I do know as well that I'm living my own life as well as having a boyfriend. But he's a great source of inspiration, joy, and encouragement in my life. We work great together and I like to think of us as a team.

But there's always those words in the back of my mind.

Help!

(EDIT/ Update)
Alright CF...I did it. I told my boyfriend those three little words. I was trying to find the courage all day, not knowing what to do and in the end he just looked at me and asked "What do you want to say to me?" He had read my face.
So I spilled it.
Oh man did I spill my guts.
He was really happy that i told him, but did not say those words back, which was one thing I was afraid of.
But he explained that he had a problem with saying "I love you" because in the past girls had said that as they took advantage of him, but I could tell he was happy. That he cares for me, and I'll be happy even if it takes him months to answer.
Overall, it was good for us, it opened up our relationship so that we can talk about our feelings more.

So, what are your thoughts on this recent development CF?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Oh, where to start....... You're dating a non-Christian man and that doesn't even seem to be an issue you're concerned about. You are a Christian, right? There is a verse in the Bible that talks about being yoked with an unbeliever. It says not to do it. I know there are great non-Christian guys out there. Frankly some of the weirdness I've come across dating Christian men in their 40's makes the non-Christian guys seem so normal and less dramatic. But, I've learned my lesson and will never go that way again.

I never dated an acting Christian man until after my divorce. I had lots of excuses. There weren't any around, I never meet any. But, my mom offered to drive my friend and I to a neighboring church that had a vital youth group and I declined. I went to places where Christians were scarce. My fiance was not a Christian, but my heart was hard and I ignored my mom's advice. When he cheated on me I rededicated myself to God and started a real Christian life. He knew he was going to lose me and he said he had accepted Christ. I believed everything would be magically great and married him. I think he really did accept Christ, but after being back in the real world it seems the seeds were blown away and he stopped Bible study, returned to his old friends, lied,.........

Now my kids have no dad in their lives. He ran away to another country to avoid all his responsibilities. If you want more info on being yoked with an unbeliever, go to the Marriage forum and check out the unequally yoked thread. The stuff in the Bible is for your benefit, not to limit your fun.

Oh, and then there's your statement about "after intimate moments". What can I say? Sex belongs in marriage. All the other stuff that stops short of intercourse can confuse a relationship and stop the emotional learning about each other. It's another ache when a relationship ends to have shared "intimate moments" with someone who is no longer in your life.

 

[AlexeiKaramazov]

eatenbylocusts is right, you've already started off on the wrong foot. God calls us to serve Him and not ourselves. When we choose to be with someone who takes you away from God because they make us feel good, that's wrong and selfish. You should worry less about those three little words and more about the long-term consequences of the decisions you've already made, especially if you're already having sex.

 

[tessas212]

If you love him and he is a good man, no worries. Don't let others condemn you two.

It was very hard for me to say those words as well. I too had grown up in a home where I was never hugged or told those words. It just was not natural. Lucky for me, he said them first... and eventually I could say them too.

It will come with time.

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

Woah, Woah, Woah.

I came here to receive help and not to be criticized on the guy I am dating. I'm very liberal when it comes to my Christian beliefs, and I'm not exactly looking for marriage. Actually, it's far from that. I'm currently working toward a career in the film industry, and so is the man I'm with. The hard thing about that is, once I start my career, I have no idea where I am going (and this might mean away from my boyfriend). I will not let my emotions get in the way of my long term goals, (which include getting a secure job before I get married). Does this mean I shouldn't date guys I like...and now love? I don't think so. I'm still gaining experience in relationships, I'm learning how to love. If this relationship grows to the point where we want to get married, wonderful. If not, there is the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." If I lose him it'll hurt and I know it, but in the end I will become a better individual.

As for pulling me away from God, you're just putting someone in a catagory and saying: "If you are non-christian than you obviously keep people away from God." No. You can not be part of a religion and still be spiritual and thrive on philosophical thought. A religion is good for people who need to be part of a group who think the same way that they do. I'm Christian, yet I'm still seeking the group that's right for me. He is Agnostic but we talk about God and the afterlife all of the time, and I can respect his views when it comes to his tastes in organized religion. Even so, he has very strong morals and expects people around him to be morally just as well. I'm sometimes amazed on how much more honest he can be than me.

Intimate. Wow that is a word. And that's it, a word. it could have sexual connotations if taken that way, but I meant just romantic, close moments that we share together. You know, the sweet stuff. Sorry if that came off that way. :o

I'm sorry to be rather short, but I wanted to make sure that I don't want to be lectured on how bad it is for me to be with someone who is not a Christian. It actually makes me a bit sad that Christians wouldn't even think of dating someone just because they have a different faith. In the end, we're all human beings.

Tessas-Thank you, It's been a bit hard because i think we're both waiting for each other to say them, I guess I could wait, but I think I'd feel like exploding!

 

[tessas212]

Kicking, it makes me sad too. Its very dissapointing and can be very discouraging to even call yourself a christian and group yourself with/among those kinds of people.

Btw.. I hope you don't really kick kittens.

One of the first times, I traced the letters on his hand.. holding his hand with one of them, traced the letters with the other. .. But he didn't get it! Lol.

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

Naw, I love kittens to much to kick them. I just needed to think of a silly username XD

But that's a great idea! I should try it. It'll probably be better than keeping it in, even if he doesn't understand Thanks a bunch!

 

[boyscoutgirl]

kicking - I fully understand where you are at. I am at a similar dilemma.

I have dated several people in the past, and in currently my longest relationship. I have told boyfriends in the past "I love you" and have had my heart broken. I do honestly feel that my current boyfriend and I could get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I have never told him "I love you" though. And this is the longest I've waited to tell a guy I was with. I have thought about saying it a few times, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't respond back. As well, I know he doesn't want marriage right now, and may decide he doesn't ever want one, just to be in a relationship with a girl without marriage holding him in.

Before everyone criticizes me, just know that he is not a christian, and I am not sure that I am a christian either. As well, we have been intimate (yes, beyond the bonds of marriage). Neither of us have a problem with our relationship or what we have done while we are with each other.

Kicking - in response to you ... In my previous relationships, when I did say "I love you" it just kind of came out. I probably wasn't even aware I was saying them at the time. If you can't say it in words, then try getting a card or writing a letter that puts your thoughts down, that way it would be something he can keep as well. If those don't work, then you can always make sure you do small things so he knows you are thinking of him.

In response to locusts and alexei ... people similar to you both are people I do not like hanging around, especially in the past. You think that just because you are not dating someone who is a christian then the relationship is bad. Let it be known that there are christians who have treated me worse than non-christians. All the guys I have dated have been non-christians, and they have treated me better than half the christians I know. The one person I did date that was a christian was the biggest jerk to me.

According to the following website, "according to one Gallup report (1) 10% of
Protestants and 10% of Catholics are divorced and (2) 26% of Protestants and
23% of Catholics have been divorced at some point." (taken from the website http://www.divorcereform.org/mel/rreligion.html) That being said, I know the Bible says to not divorce your spouse. Why are we criticizing people who aren't even married that are dating someone that's not a christian. Why arent' you criticizing people that are christian and have gotten a divorce. In response to the "equally yoked" verse in the New Testament, that verse is not totally valid in a "dating" relationship, as there is nothing keeping the two from breaking up. That verse, I think, ties in more to a relationship that is bonded by marriage, as there is more involved in ending that relationship.

Just my two cents on the posts that have occurred in this thread. If anyone has any thoughts on my post, you are also welcomed to reply or PM me. Good luck in your relationship kicking.

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

Thanks for the support Boyscout girl!

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

(edit) oops, double post!

 

[sbvera13]

If you're having trouble saying it, I'd suggest writing it. There's no need to leave a note; you can give him a card or something while you are out at dinner so you are there to talk about it with him. But it may help break that barrier you have right now, and that's what you need. Most important though, is once you're through that to sit and talk about each other's feelings. It's not enough to simply say "I love you" and walk away happy (from your description it sounds like he is too); you are right about one thing, bringing this up opens up many new layers of the relationship. How long will it last? How far will you go? What do you expect from each other? My guess is you're not ready for long term commitment (either of you) but you are ready to talk about it. Be prepared to not make a decision- that can take months, or longer. Just get the issue open and figure out what each others thoughts about it are, and that'll be good enough for now.





Ok, I can't resist the urge to comment on the first two responders. Someone comes here, in emotional distress and asking for help, and you put her down, judge her, and tell her to walk away from someone she cares about? I don't give a rat's *ahem* what your religious beliefs are, that response is completely innapropriate and you should be ashamed for being so hurtful to someone in need. There's much more I'd like to say but I will leave it at that.

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

If you're having trouble saying it, I'd suggest writing it. There's no need to leave a note; you can give him a card or something while you are out at dinner so you are there to talk about it with him. But it may help break that barrier you have right now, and that's what you need. Most important though, is once you're through that to sit and talk about each other's feelings. It's not enough to simply say "I love you" and walk away happy (from your description it sounds like he is too); you are right about one thing, bringing this up opens up many new layers of the relationship. How long will it last? How far will you go? What do you expect from each other? My guess is you're not ready for long term commitment (either of you) but you are ready to talk about it. Be prepared to not make a decision- that can take months, or longer. Just get the issue open and figure out what each others thoughts about it are, and that'll be good enough for now.

Oh wow, thank you, thank you, thank you!
This is something i will have to do and your post really has given me some courage to do it. I really have to talk with him about it instead of just saying it. I mean, it's probably such a big deal and a huge commitment for the both of use that just saying it would be too awkward...and maybe hurt us in the long run.
Maybe that's why I haven't said it in the past when I wanted to.

Perhaps I could just get into a conversation about it and ask how he feels about me? I would feel strange writing it down, but on the other hand, I'm horrible when it comes to speaking about serious business.

 

[sbvera13]

That's the good thing about giving him a note while you are there, then it's not hiding from a difficult issue it's just breaking the ice. Best of luck to you. I hope you'll let us know how it went for you. No gory details, it'd just be good to know if it went ok or not in the end

 

[AlexeiKaramazov]

Sorry folks, you can label me judgmental all you want, but when someone mentions that they are in clear sin as the result of a relationship, I can't ignore it. Good relationships are the result of making good choices, and it helps if you can do it right from the beginning. Most Christians tend to believe what the Bible says, and the Bible says it's wrong to be yoked to unbelievers. That doesn't make you a horrible person if you have fallen in love with someone who doesn't believe, but it doesn't mean you've made good choices, either.

I also acknowledge that dating a Christian doesn't guarantee a great relationship. There are awful people out there who claim Christ. But if you're a Christian, that is one piece of the puzzle that the Bible demands you have in a significant opposite-sex relationship. Of course you want a man who respects you, treats you right, someone you have things in common with. But if you love Christ, it's baffling that you wouldn't care whether or not the most important person in your life loved Him too.

As far as the sex thing goes, that was not so much a sweeping assumption I made as it was a conclusion based on implications found in the OP. Whenever you mention something like "intimate moments", that's bound to be interpreted in a certain way.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I came here to receive help and not to be criticized on the guy I am dating. I'm very liberal when it comes to my Christian beliefs, and I'm not exactly looking for marriage. It actually makes me a bit sad that Christians wouldn't even think of dating someone just because they have a different faith. In the end, we're all human beings.

By liberal you mean you take what you want from Christianity and ignore what you don't like? There is no commandment against dating unbelievers, but who do people end up marrying? People they date. So far I haven't met anyone who can stop themselves from falling in love with someone, but I have met some who were strong enough to stop the relationship even though they did love someone. If you're one of those people, then great. I'm not. I'm not going to put myself into that kind of a situation. It's also not fair to the other who may want to marry and then you break their heart. Not very kind or Christian-like.

Kicking, it makes me sad too. Its very dissapointing and can be very discouraging to even call yourself a christian and group yourself with/among those kinds of people.

Yeah, those darn people who have learned from their own mistakes and can actually see the wisdom in following what the Bible says. Stick with the people who change with the wind and tell you whatever you want to hear. Christianity is supposed to be easy and effortless, right?

Before everyone criticizes me, just know that he is not a christian, and I am not sure that I am a christian either. As well, we have been intimate (yes, beyond the bonds of marriage). Neither of us have a problem with our relationship or what we have done while we are with each other.

In response to locusts and alexei ... people similar to you both are people I do not like hanging around, especially in the past. You think that just because you are not dating someone who is a christian then the relationship is bad. Let it be known that there are christians who have treated me worse than non-christians. All the guys I have dated have been non-christians, and they have treated me better than half the christians I know. The one person I did date that was a christian was the biggest jerk to me.

Why are we criticizing people who aren't even married that are dating someone that's not a christian. Why arent' you criticizing people that are christian and have gotten a divorce. In response to the "equally yoked" verse in the New Testament, that verse is not totally valid in a "dating" relationship, as there is nothing keeping the two from breaking up. That verse, I think, ties in more to a relationship that is bonded by marriage, as there is more involved in ending that relationship.

First off, I do hope you find out if you really are a Christian. That could make a lot of things more clear for you. I wonder if you really read all my post. I only dated non-Christians before I married. Go back and read it please. I also noted Christian dating hasn't always been pleasant. I also wrote about my excuses for not dating Christians. Excuses don't make it right. If you're not a Christian, none of theses restrictions apply to you, but I hope you get that figured out. Eternity is a long time.

I can understand you not wanting to hang out with people who tell you things you don't want to hear. That's normal. I think you cited some divorce statistics-you have to realize that a lot of people call themselves Christians, even people who've never been in a church or picked up a Bible. You need to factor those in somehow. I married someone who was mentally wacked.

Way to go, you are the 18-millionth person to turn nothing into something! Of course the -first- assumption we as Christians should make about EVERYONE in every relationship is that they're having sex, even if they didn't say a word about it. (sarcasm, incase anyone missed it)

Lynn- she said "after intimate moments". What does that sound like?
~ Lynn

Lynn, I'm kind of surprised you're so easy going about dating unbelievers now. You didn't used to be that way.

Ok, I can't resist the urge to comment on the first two responders. Someone comes here, in emotional distress and asking for help, and you put her down, judge her, and tell her to walk away from someone she cares about? I don't give a rat's *ahem* what your religious beliefs are, that response is completely innapropriate and you should be ashamed for being so hurtful to someone in need. There's much more I'd like to say but I will leave it at that.

No hun, that's what people do when they actually care about someone making the same mistakes they've already made. You all think you are the first person to ever go through these things and what has happened to others will never happen to you. I see myself doing some of the same things and just knowing it will be different this time. That's just our human nature apparently.

The OP was not in severe emotional distress. She's in a relationship with someone she thinks she loves and is trying to determine if she should say I love you. If she had just come out of the relationship and was heart broken it would be cruel to jump on her and condemn her for ever dating an ubeliever, but I still think it would be appropriate at such a time to remind such a person that it would probably be a better idea not to date an unbeliever.

Where is the judgment, BTW? I love how people throw out that word when they're confronted with something they don't want to hear. God's word does the judging. Take it up with Him.

 

[AlexeiKaramazov]

Again, I agree with every one of eatenbylocusts's points. I'm sorry if our comments were seen as hurtful, but she's right...sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes you can't water things down just to make someone feel warm fuzzies. God still loves us when we makes mistakes. God still loves the OP, no matter what she does. There's no point kicking ourselves over this stuff. But if we don't recognize our mistakes and submit to God's authority, we just take more steps down the wrong path instead of where He wants us to go.

That's why the real issue here is not how to say I love you, but why have you let yourself get into that kind of situation when God commands you not to. How can it be fixed?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Lynn- she said "after intimate moments". What does that sound like?

Sounds like after she kisses him Kissing and looking into each other's eyes was my very first assumption. Yours was sex? Geez Talk about mind in the gutter
~ Lynn

I am a sinner, what can I say? I need to get married.
But, both Alexei and I said "if" you're having sex.......

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

eatenbylocusts- Really, we could go back and forth all day in heated debate, because whether you like it or not, there are Christians who have different beliefs than you. I seem to just be bitter about your own past relationships, and because they failed, mine is doomed to fail in tragic, dramatic heart-ache. All things end, and I've accepted that fact. If it happens I will be sad, but I will move on with my life. I have dreams and goals other than becoming a housewife and popping out children here and there. I'm not dreaming of my wedding day, or how many kids I'll have. I'm dreaming of my professional career.
Now I'm like to defend myself in a few ways, because a few things you said were quite wrong. One was that I ignore biblical morals because I "don't like them." No. I don't follow anything that is illogical. If it doesn't make sense, if there are innacuracies, or if things in the bible seem hyprocritical: Obviously it was not the word of a PERFECT being (Aka: God) Really, It's the 21st century, if God hadn't forseen that things would have changed (when it comes to how the world sees women, relationships, homosexuality, and medical benefits) the bible would have been way different (but probably not accepted in that lowly period of time). I don't find many parts of the bible logical, yes, but I do believe strongly in God, the afterlife, Jesus, and keeping strong morals. I don't need to be scared by a Judgemental and stern God that sends his children to burn for all eternity(wow great guy..) But I believe and follow a loving God, and that's all I need to make others around me and keep myself in line.
So I'm different than you. Yah, you could reply telling me that I will suffer for my choices in the end, but you know what? You are just pixels to me. You can't change who I am through the words you type down in that cute little quick reply box. This is the interwebs my friend, and judging me any further will only produce major lulz.

As for my word choice, I'm sure you already saw my apology. It was just the wrong choice of words to describe silly little romantic periods (kissing, snuggling, walking together, or just talking) Not, BAMHOMGSEX.
Sorry again if it came off the wrong way.

 

[Kicking_Kittens]

(Copy/pasted from the front)
Alright CF...I did it. I told my boyfriend those three little words. I was trying to find the courage all day, not knowing what to do and in the end he just looked at me and asked "What do you want to say to me?" He had read my face.
So I spilled it.
Oh man did I spill my guts.
He was really happy that i told him, but did not say those words back, which was one thing I was afraid of.
But he explained that he had a problem with saying "I love you" because in the past girls had said that as they took advantage of him, but I could tell he was happy. That he cares for me, and I'll be happy even if it takes him months to answer.
Overall, it was good for us, it opened up our relationship so that we can talk about our feelings more.

So, what are your thoughts on this recent development CF?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

eatenbylocusts- Really, we could go back and forth all day in heated debate, because whether you like it or not, there are Christians who have different beliefs than you. I seem to just be bitter about your own past relationships, and because they failed, mine is doomed to fail in tragic, dramatic heart-ache.

No debate. A respected pastor told his congregation that it was ok to date unbelievers if they made everything real clear to the other person that they would not marry them as an unbeliever and they conducted themselves in a pure manner. I don't know many people who can do that, but I already admitted that if you're one of those people then..... enjoy your relationship.

But, the scripture is not my opinion. Don't marry an unbeliever. Maybe it's not a commandment, but the Bible is supposed to be God-inspired and it is certainly common sense. Ask the unequally yoked folks in their thread. I am not bitter though. I regret that I ignored that scripture because I am not one of those people who can make relationship decisions totally based on logic. My emotions and feeling of love caused me to do unwise things and I have two kids who are reaping the aftermath of my decisions. Very often a non-Christian does not see the need to abstain from pre-marital sex (yes there are Christians too), and the Christian may compromise their standards. That is one of the problems in any relationship, but probably more so when only one person thinks it's wrong.

I'm still making mistakes and that will probably continue until I die, but I am learning more every day and for the most part making much better decisions now than I did when I was 19. Don't disregard advice just because it isn't what you want to hear. I would never expect you to end a relationship with someone you love based on the words of an anonymous person, but keep them in mind the next time.