Help! 4yr old driving me crazy!

[SimplyComplex]

We have a very strong-willed 4 year old girl. Lately she has been very very whiney and crying about everything little thing. She is also not listening and very defiant. I know this is common behavior for 4 year olds but I am getting worn out. DH is starting to get burnt out on it too. We are pretty level when it comes to her discipline, meaning we agree on the methods we use. We do verbal warning if she acts up, then time out for 5 minutes, we explain why shes in time out and tell her we love her and that we want her to be a good girl when shes done with time out. But now a days shes going to time out at least once a day sometimes twice. I can hardly take her anywhere without a tantrum. I try to be patient but its running thin. Im so tired of this that Im starting to not care and I dont want to do that. Help please!

 

[b.hopeful]

Remember when they were babies and they would have growth spurts and eat a ton and not sleep much or sleep too much......well, I think they go through emotional growth spurts too. She's testing you. Stay consistent. Is she in preschool? She may need an outlet...especially if she's the oldest or only. My oldest is fiercely headstrong...always has been. Now she's almost 13 and being head strong and determined is coming in happy when it comes to boys, friends and peer pressure. She doesn't bend easily....and she likes to pave her own way. That's a good thing.

 

[Stan53]

Good morning Simplycomplex.
"She is also not listening and very defiant. I know this is common behavior for 4 year olds".
It doesn't need to be. If she is not listening, then stop her. Make her listen and repeat back to you what you said. Get her to tell you what she understands that you told her. If she is defiant, is she able to do what ever it is that you require of her? I know with our eldest this made a huge difference. Just simply making sure she understood what we were on about.
"we explain why shes in time out".
This is good but....... Again, with our eldest, we discovered that discipline wasn't enough. Did she understand why she was being disciplined. So, we would go over what ever it was that she had done, getting her to see where her error was, then confess the error and seek forgiveness. (Sounds a bit like 1 John 1:9.)
"I can hardly take her anywhere without a tantrum."
Tantrums here are a strict no-no. They don't happen very often. Our reaction and course of action is the same every time. We leave what ever it was that we were doing and we go home. The child is disciplined immediately and severely. Both girls have tried it and both girls are well aware that tantrums, at home or out in public will not be tolerated. We have been known on one occassion to leave a shopping trolley full of grocery's at the check out and go home to deal with the situation. It only happened once.
Let me go back to the opening statement.
"Lately she has been very very whiney and crying about everything little thing."
Why. Why is she doing this. Is it just possible that she is trying to get you to engage with her? Is she saying "Hey Mum I am down here. Can we do stuff together?" I know our girls will act up if they think or feel they are being left out.
I think I sort of understand how Christ feels when He is trying to train me now.

 

[shaslove]

I also agree with consistency. We just went through this with my 4 yr old also, it eventually gets better, promise!

 

[McScribe]

Relieved to hear from others going through this. He was such an obedient little boy and now my wife is constantly mentioning him being a little pain--takes forever to do anything, doesn't listen, etc. I have to admit that at a loss, after having given consequences for a couple of week and nothing sticking I shocked my mother in law and my wife by suddenly taking him aside and saying, "buddy, this HAS to stop. No more disobeying, no more ignoring what we say, no more not cooperating. You're part of our family and you have to cooperate." I mean we always make it clear that he can say what's bugging him too so I know it wasn't that kind of thing. Anyway it worked--the last couple of days he's been very helpful, has been happier and having lots of fun. I hate to say it but maybe because my mother in law and my wife want him always happy maybe they were giving in to him too much?

 

[b.hopeful]

I've preached to my kids that their happiness is a consequence of a well maintained life. We are all happy if we are all functioning as a team...if they get good grades, pick up after themselves, treat others with respect, contribute in some way......they put happiness out and get it back. Mom doesn't have to ride them about homework, mom doesn't have to worry about new tennis shoes being chewed up, mom doesn't have to worry about digging through rooms for laundry , mom doesn't have to meet with principals over behavior problems....mom's life flows well....home life flows well...less stress=more room for happiness to sprout. I really wanted to stress that their happiness is completely in their hands....it is a product of their actions....and they should never wait around for someone else or something else to make them happy.

 

[HisW0rd]

Yea four year olds can be some timing...Lord I love them at 3 and 4 though. I am a preschool teacher and I learned I had to always make things FUN. EVEN if I punished them by sitting in time out, nothing works better than for him/her to see her class mates do a fun activity without them.

Find out what she loves to do every day. Maybe like watch dora. My neice was the same way. She would scream, jump up and down, stomp her foot, lol...so we would say, do you want to go take a nap? or if you continue acting this way you cant watch dora for a WEEK? Sooner or later she would scream NOOO...and try to communicate with us better.

Sometimes it could be a way for a four year old to express to you that she has been hurt in some way.

 

[mstrohm]

When my children were small I could categorize my expectations into two different groups. Expectations that were born from my needs and expectations that I was fully convicted were for my child's needs.

When I realized that I HAD to lovingly discipline them for their own benefit and for their own good, I always found the strength to do it! I HAD TO! Everything else, my hopes of a great piano player or great soccer player or the most polite eater on the block- I did not have to!

Another thought that always helped me with my one strong willed daughter - as a teacher I realized that for some children they needed to go through a lesson one or two times. For other children they needed to go through a lesson a dozen or more times. For some children, they need a few lessons on obeying a specific rule. For others, they will need dozens of lessons. They may learn on the 20th lesson, they may learn on the 100th lesson. However, be consistent with consequences and always show love and support.

Hang in there! You are called of God to a very, very important job - that of parent!!

 

[ChildByGrace]

I agree with what Stan said.

And I would also say that you need to be consistant If she sees that she can wear you down then she'll try and get away with other things because she knows you'll eventually crack. It's all worth it in the end though

 

[LovesToBless]

I didn't read each and every response in detail, so please excuse if I'm repeating.

I will mention something I saw one other person (at least) post. Strong-willed, stubborn, head-strong can be a good thing...when they won't give in to something negative that others are doing (such as a misbehaving friend) or when they are so determined that they ARE going to do something...like master an accomplishment. I say this because all 3 of us in my family (husband, myself, our son) are that way, and it has a good side to it too. I hope you can take that as an encouragement.

For example, my son (when he was 20) was riding in a car with someone who was speeding and looking like they were going to fall asleep. He asked them to change drivers for the safety of everyone in the car. When they wouldn't, he told them that he would use his cell phone to call them in (meaning to the police) if they didn't pull off the next exit and change drivers. They did...and guess, what? They promptly fell asleep in the back seat. So...there's one example of being this way paying off big-time.

As far as now, I'm wondering if your daughter is getting outside and running around a good deal? I know my son needs to burn-off energy still, he probably will always be a very physical person. Also are you having her get enough sleep? That would be something else that's simple, but not doing it can lead to crankiness.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[zaksmummy]

My 5 year old is very strong will and defiant, so I know what you are living with

I read two books which have really helped - The strong willed child by James Dobson, and Your defiant child by Russell Barkley and Christine Benton.

I have come to accept that he will always be strong willed and that I need to be positive with him when he is obedient, which has really helped, and does help him to remain obedient - sometimes, and be firm when he is being disobedient.

James Dobson suggests praying over your children when they are asleep, and I have to say that I found this very helpful especially when Im at the end of my tether with him - it refocus' me rather than helping him. I know the person above said it but I agree - lots of fresh air and running around wears off their energy, and keeps their minds busy too.

 

[CTR]

I didn't read through all of the responses, so sorry if I sound like a broken record. I have a 4 year old Daughter as well. My husband and I were actually going through almost exaclty what you described. We were getting very frustrated and tired of always having to put our daughter in time-out for her constant tantrums and misbehaving. We were recommended a book called "Love and Logic" by a friend of ours a couple of years back. I had never bothered reading it until very recently. It actually was extremely helpful. I agree with alot of the posts that say kids go through stages. I think this is true. This book helped me learn how to deal with these stages without it being stressful and frustrating. You could give it a try and see if it helps. You could probably even check it out from your local library. Anyways, I hoped that helped. Best of Luck!