Hello

[searchingforpeace]

Hello everyone. I have been posting some on the bipolar forum but wanted to start posting here too. My dx is bipolar 2 and BPD, my OCD is basically under control. I am a recovering self injurer...praise the Lord! I am not on meds right now, but I know one day I may have to go back on them. I would say that I struggle mostly with the BPD issues over the bipolar. I have tried therapy, journaling, workbooks ect...doesn't seem to work for me. Can't afford to the DBT. I tend to be a loner, have a very hard time getting close to anyone other than my husband. If I do get close to someone I tend to at some point push them away. I don't ever really feel connected to anyone(other than my husband, who I think sometimes I love too much). My self-esteem is nothing..and really has been that way since I can remember. I deal a lot with imagined abandonment issues. That gets hard on my husband, but I am blessed that he is understanding. I freak if I call him and can't get him on his cell, always thinking the worse. I will convience myself he will met someone at the store and tell me it's over...and so on. My rage I guess is undercontrol...well,more like I hold it in..which is not good for me, or anyone else. I think something that really bothers me is feeling like I can connect with others around me...including family. I feel cold-hearted most of the time..and really I am not. I know I am a good person, I have a good heart(ask me later, I might tell you something differnt regarding that), but most of the time I feel so seperated from everyone else. I feel very guilty about it. I talk to God about it a lot. I know he doesn't hold it against me, but I do worry (so good at worrying lol) Any who...I am rambling. Right now I have a lot of emotions in me...has been a long few weeks, as my two daughters are visiting, they will be here for another week. I am loving having them here(they live with their father and step-mom in another state) but it is hard on my emotions and I pray that they are not seeing that, as I do not want them to think it is them..as it is not...it is me, my emotions. Well I just wanted to post an intro of sorts...sorry this was so long and probably made no sense.


Dianna

 

[Ramona]

Hello everyone. I have been posting some on the bipolar forum but wanted to start posting here too. My dx is bipolar 2 and BPD, my OCD is basically under control. I am a recovering self injurer...praise the Lord! I am not on meds right now, but I know one day I may have to go back on them. I would say that I struggle mostly with the BPD issues over the bipolar. I have tried therapy, journaling, workbooks ect...doesn't seem to work for me. Can't afford to the DBT. I tend to be a loner, have a very hard time getting close to anyone other than my husband. If I do get close to someone I tend to at some point push them away. I don't ever really feel connected to anyone(other than my husband, who I think sometimes I love too much). My self-esteem is nothing..and really has been that way since I can remember. I deal a lot with imagined abandonment issues. That gets hard on my husband, but I am blessed that he is understanding. I freak if I call him and can't get him on his cell, always thinking the worse. I will convience myself he will met someone at the store and tell me it's over...and so on. My rage I guess is undercontrol...well,more like I hold it in..which is not good for me, or anyone else. I think something that really bothers me is feeling like I can connect with others around me...including family. I feel cold-hearted most of the time..and really I am not. I know I am a good person, I have a good heart(ask me later, I might tell you something differnt regarding that), but most of the time I feel so seperated from everyone else. I feel very guilty about it. I talk to God about it a lot. I know he doesn't hold it against me, but I do worry (so good at worrying lol) Any who...I am rambling. Right now I have a lot of emotions in me...has been a long few weeks, as my two daughters are visiting, they will be here for another week. I am loving having them here(they live with their father and step-mom in another state) but it is hard on my emotions and I pray that they are not seeing that, as I do not want them to think it is them..as it is not...it is me, my emotions. Well I just wanted to post an intro of sorts...sorry this was so long and probably made no sense.


Dianna

Hi Dianna, it's nice to "meet" you. My heart really goes out to you here, as I was only recently diagnosed with BPD and I'm really, really scared of what that means for me. It was falsely identified as bipolar disorder when I was 16, but it progressively got worse. I waited until I was completely broke, nearly homeless, and estranged from my entire family to get help, so I really admire that you're taking the steps to do so. It took me forever to realize that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but a rather overt show of inner strength.

I've got the same problem with connecting to others. I want to be sweet, I want to be kind, and I want people to love me, but I'm extremely abrasive and introverted a lot of the time. The people that try to understand me and my illness usually end up loving me, but I often push the less patient people away by being incorrigible...and I don't blame them for it!

You are a good person. Don't lose sight of that! I know that deep inside I really am a decent human being, but I can never remember that when I'm on a mental low. A friend with clinical depression gave me a really neat idea concerning this: when you're feeling OK, write down a list of the good things in you, good things people say about you, and good deeds that you've done. Keep it with you and read it when you're raging or depressed. I also try to take the negative energy and do something constructive with it, like creating music or clothing.

I understand that these coping strategies might not work with everyone, but I thought I'd throw them out there. I am a nontheist, but if your faith in a higher power helps you get through your dark days, it's wonderful.

I wish you lasting peace in whatever you do.
Hallie

 

[searchingforpeace]

Hi Dianna, it's nice to "meet" you. My heart really goes out to you here, as I was only recently diagnosed with BPD and I'm really, really scared of what that means for me. It was falsely identified as bipolar disorder when I was 16, but it progressively got worse. I waited until I was completely broke, nearly homeless, and estranged from my entire family to get help, so I really admire that you're taking the steps to do so. It took me forever to realize that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but a rather overt show of inner strength.

I've got the same problem with connecting to others. I want to be sweet, I want to be kind, and I want people to love me, but I'm extremely abrasive and introverted a lot of the time. The people that try to understand me and my illness usually end up loving me, but I often push the less patient people away by being incorrigible...and I don't blame them for it!

You are a good person. Don't lose sight of that! I know that deep inside I really am a decent human being, but I can never remember that when I'm on a mental low. A friend with clinical depression gave me a really neat idea concerning this: when you're feeling OK, write down a list of the good things in you, good things people say about you, and good deeds that you've done. Keep it with you and read it when you're raging or depressed. I also try to take the negative energy and do something constructive with it, like creating music or clothing.

I understand that these coping strategies might not work with everyone, but I thought I'd throw them out there. I am a nontheist, but if your faith in a higher power helps you get through your dark days, it's wonderful.

I wish you lasting peace in whatever you do.
Hallie

Hi Hallie. Sometimes I wonder if I do have bipolar or just BPD. But I do think the bipolar is there b/c from what my mom has said, from her reading once I got the dx is I had early onset childhood biplar...and the bpd seemed to form late teens/early 20's after many things happened in my life.

I love the idea of writing down the good things, when in that mental state. I am going to have to give that a whirl. At times, like right now, I can say I am a good person, but that does change.

I find BPD hard to deal with, hard to explain, and hard to get others to understand. Most people have never to seem to have heard of it, and even if they have, they don't get it, and me explaining it doesn't work and sending someone to a site about it...always seem to scare them.

Right now God is putting some amazing people in my life. And I really don't want to get to the point where I push them away. Offline, I have no friends. I don't know how to have friends, and that is so differnt from say when I was 15/16.

I get scared about opening up to people about my disorders as worried they will react badly, but at the same time, if I don't then, they think I am a snob or whatever b/c I keep to myself and just don't get me at all.

If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me This next week I will not be around as much as I normally am since my girls are here. But after that, I am around online all the time, since I don't work.

First being diagnosed is very scary. For me, it was a relief. I got the dx on one of my trips to the hospital after some self injury. It was nice knowing it had a name and I was not alone. Feeling like you are the ony one going through somthing seems to always make it worse.

Dianna

 

[warrrior4him007]

bipolar is simlar to boder line its just that bipolar is depression and borderline is a persionalty illness and lately where ilive at things have changed in treatment wise of borderlines it stinks but thats kjust my opion since at the end of july im leaveing consuling lol

 

[searchingforpeace]

bipolar is simlar to boder line its just that bipolar is depression and borderline is a persionalty illness and lately where ilive at things have changed in treatment wise of borderlines it stinks but thats kjust my opion since at the end of july im leaveing consuling lol

Do you think at some point you will go back to consuling?

 

[warrrior4him007]

im not sure

 

[cory533]

Searching, World,
I am married to a wonderful woman with BPD and you both sound normal to me.Well at least normal for BPD. you are not alone. I have been married 24 years and only just found out why my wife behaves like she does.it's a little scary but at least now I can understand why she... And now I can grow so as to better suport her. 6 months of counceling and meds and things just keep getting better. remember in your down times you are better than you think.
Peace in Christ,
Cory

 

[searchingforpeace]

Searching, World,
I am married to a wonderful woman with BPD and you both sound normal to me.Well at least normal for BPD. you are not alone. I have been married 24 years and only just found out why my wife behaves like she does.it's a little scary but at least now I can understand why she... And now I can grow so as to better suport her. 6 months of counceling and meds and things just keep getting better. remember in your down times you are better than you think.
Peace in Christ,
Cory

Thank you for the encoragement Cory Very much appreciated. You wife sounds very blessed to have a husband who wants to understand it and support her

 

[cory533]

Thank you for the encoragement Cory Very much appreciated. You wife sounds very blessed to have a husband who wants to understand it and support her

She would say I'm just to dumb to run. But she is a blessing in my life.I truely beleive God made us for each other. I've done the good times and the bad I'm not bailing out before the GREAT times. God will replace what the canker worm has destroyed, with extra. Somedays thats a promise I have to hang on to.I knew I was in for a rough ride before I married her but I thought she was worth it then and I still do now.

 

[madison1101]

bipolar is simlar to boder line its just that bipolar is depression and borderline is a persionalty illness and lately where ilive at things have changed in treatment wise of borderlines it stinks but thats kjust my opion since at the end of july im leaveing consuling lol

Bipolar is not just depression. It is a cycle of a manic phase, which can go on for days, weeks or months, followed by depression, which can go on for days, weeks or months.

 

[madison1101]

Hello everyone. I have been posting some on the bipolar forum but wanted to start posting here too. My dx is bipolar 2 and BPD, my OCD is basically under control. I am a recovering self injurer...praise the Lord! I am not on meds right now, but I know one day I may have to go back on them. I would say that I struggle mostly with the BPD issues over the bipolar. I have tried therapy, journaling, workbooks ect...doesn't seem to work for me. Can't afford to the DBT. I tend to be a loner, have a very hard time getting close to anyone other than my husband. If I do get close to someone I tend to at some point push them away. I don't ever really feel connected to anyone(other than my husband, who I think sometimes I love too much). My self-esteem is nothing..and really has been that way since I can remember. I deal a lot with imagined abandonment issues. That gets hard on my husband, but I am blessed that he is understanding. I freak if I call him and can't get him on his cell, always thinking the worse. I will convience myself he will met someone at the store and tell me it's over...and so on. My rage I guess is undercontrol...well,more like I hold it in..which is not good for me, or anyone else. I think something that really bothers me is feeling like I can connect with others around me...including family. I feel cold-hearted most of the time..and really I am not. I know I am a good person, I have a good heart(ask me later, I might tell you something differnt regarding that), but most of the time I feel so seperated from everyone else. I feel very guilty about it. I talk to God about it a lot. I know he doesn't hold it against me, but I do worry (so good at worrying lol) Any who...I am rambling. Right now I have a lot of emotions in me...has been a long few weeks, as my two daughters are visiting, they will be here for another week. I am loving having them here(they live with their father and step-mom in another state) but it is hard on my emotions and I pray that they are not seeing that, as I do not want them to think it is them..as it is not...it is me, my emotions. Well I just wanted to post an intro of sorts...sorry this was so long and probably made no sense.


Dianna

I relate a lot to the feelings of abandonment. When I was married, I made my husband crazy with my fear of abandonment. We did not have cell phones back then. When he would leave to go to work, or classes in college, I would threaten to kill myself if he left to go to work. I would call him at work to be reassured that he loved me. If he did not reassure me, I would get out of control and either go into a rage, or become horribly needy and cry.

After years of therapy, and going to AA for my alcoholism, I started to get better. Unfortunately, in 2001, after 14 years of therapy, and who knows how many years of marital therapy, my husband left me. I thought I was going to fall apart, and completely go off the deep end. Praise God, I got better. I have lived alone for a long time now. I dated for a few months, a few years ago, but until this year, did not believe it was God's will for me to date, or seek a new relationship.

I have grown spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and thrived. My therapist changed my diagnosis from Borderline Personality Disorder to Personality Disorder (NOS). That was an answer to prayer.

There is hope. I am on medication for depression, anxiety and impulsivity. I am not on as much as I used to be, thank God.

 

[searchingforpeace]

She would say I'm just to dumb to run. But she is a blessing in my life.I truely beleive God made us for each other. I've done the good times and the bad I'm not bailing out before the GREAT times. God will replace what the canker worm has destroyed, with extra. Somedays thats a promise I have to hang on to.I knew I was in for a rough ride before I married her but I thought she was worth it then and I still do now.

I get surprised my husband hasn't run. But it really shows how much he loves me to stick it out through all the really bad times. Love is so wonderful

 

[searchingforpeace]

I relate a lot to the feelings of abandonment. When I was married, I made my husband crazy with my fear of abandonment. We did not have cell phones back then. When he would leave to go to work, or classes in college, I would threaten to kill myself if he left to go to work. I would call him at work to be reassured that he loved me. If he did not reassure me, I would get out of control and either go into a rage, or become horribly needy and cry.

After years of therapy, and going to AA for my alcoholism, I started to get better. Unfortunately, in 2001, after 14 years of therapy, and who knows how many years of marital therapy, my husband left me. I thought I was going to fall apart, and completely go off the deep end. Praise God, I got better. I have lived alone for a long time now. I dated for a few months, a few years ago, but until this year, did not believe it was God's will for me to date, or seek a new relationship.

I have grown spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and thrived. My therapist changed my diagnosis from Borderline Personality Disorder to Personality Disorder (NOS). That was an answer to prayer.

There is hope. I am on medication for depression, anxiety and impulsivity. I am not on as much as I used to be, thank God.

I think my fears of him leaving have gotten better. Only once in a while now do I panic. It use to be a daily, hourly thing. When I am feeling good...I know he loves me, isnt' leaving and cares about me...he would have to in order to put up with all he has....but there are those weak moments were I panic.

I am sorry to hear that your husband left, but it does sound like now you are doing great.

Yes, there is hope I hold on to that hope everyday and I know that no matter what happens during me life, that one day I will be in with Jesus, happy, healthy, and won't have to deal with all of these, so it will all work out

 

[Jehanne]

Hi all, read this thread with great interest, some very encouraging posts here!!

I have several diagnoses too--BPD, depression, BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), OCD and in the past I have been diagnosed bipolar also. Who knows--I'm a psychic trainwreck lol!

It's probably my OCD talking here (with some of the BPD thrown in)--but I have always had great difficulty in believing that I was "saved"--just didn't feel "good enough" I guess.

Is anyone else troubled by this thought? (Maybe it belongs more on the OCD or depression thread??)

Anyway--glad to see all of you here and I'd love to chat with you!!

 

[Ramona]

It's probably my OCD talking here (with some of the BPD thrown in)--but I have always had great difficulty in believing that I was "saved"--just didn't feel "good enough" I guess.

Is anyone else troubled by this thought? (Maybe it belongs more on the OCD or depression thread??)

Anyway--glad to see all of you here and I'd love to chat with you!!

Completely, totally, 100% with you there! It was a major catalyst for my initial deconversion from Christianity, but I've since rejected the concept of damnation and have embraced Christian universalism, and have been able to gradually place more faith in Christ. I've never felt "good enough," and I have OCD too, but I'd love to chat sometime if you wish.

Thank you ALL for your posts here. It really is an encouragement to know that I'm not the only one who suffers from this!

Love to all,
Hallie

 

[Ramona]

By the way, I'm planning on inviting a friend with BPD as well as someone I love to this subforum after I sleep for a little while. I don't think they know about this little corner here.

 

[searchingforpeace]

Hi all, read this thread with great interest, some very encouraging posts here!!

I have several diagnoses too--BPD, depression, BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), OCD and in the past I have been diagnosed bipolar also. Who knows--I'm a psychic trainwreck lol!

It's probably my OCD talking here (with some of the BPD thrown in)--but I have always had great difficulty in believing that I was "saved"--just didn't feel "good enough" I guess.

Is anyone else troubled by this thought? (Maybe it belongs more on the OCD or depression thread??)

Anyway--glad to see all of you here and I'd love to chat with you!!

I have those feelings a lot. I think I feel I am not saved most when my thoughts are just feeling so out of control. When the angry hits me, I worried I am not saved as I convience myself that if I was saved I would not get angry this way, would not dislike people or be uncaring.

 

[searchingforpeace]

By the way, I'm planning on inviting a friend with BPD as well as someone I love to this subforum after I sleep for a little while. I don't think they know about this little corner here.

I do hope they stop by The more of us here supporting and encouraging each other, the better

 

[Ramona]

I do hope they stop by The more of us here supporting and encouraging each other, the better

Totally. We really should talk more often, Dianna. I think we have a lot in common for sure.

I've re-committed myself to Christ and am slowly easing myself back into the faith. I've been hurt very badly by the Church in the past, especially for my illness, but I'm hoping to find a new spiritual home. I'm just being cautious.

((((Hugs)))) all around.

 

[searchingforpeace]

Totally. We really should talk more often, Dianna. I think we have a lot in common for sure.

I've re-committed myself to Christ and am slowly easing myself back into the faith. I've been hurt very badly by the Church in the past, especially for my illness, but I'm hoping to find a new spiritual home. I'm just being cautious.

((((Hugs)))) all around.

Feel free to pm me anytime
I understand hurt by the church. After I was newly saved and had opened up to my Pastor I was told I wasn't saved, should stop meds, fast and pray until God healed me...being naive and trusting, I did this and of course it went really badly....Took me sometime to come back to God, I was angry and my anger was misplaced. I am very cautious now.