Hello! I'm looking for open-minded discussion.

zlick45 said:

I know it is a long time since my last post on this thread, but a lot of things have changed through time spent in scripture and reading author's like A.W. Tozer. I have been trying not to be led by my feelings, but some things have happened that I feel I should mention.

About a month ago, I found myself in prayer after reading a large amount on repentance. I thought about a lot of things, the most important being God's nature. I felt something change inside of me. I didn't know why it was happening, but whatever it was, it was asking for a change of heart. It was asking for repentance. So I prayed and prayed, and although I struggled with it a great deal, I felt a change. The strong urge to sin and the guilt that was with me from my sin had been lessened greatly. I then came to the conclusion that the Holy Spirit is a person. Following that, I could not make sense of the Holy Spirit being a person without the Spirit being one with the Father and Son. It wasn't through any logical argument or anything along the lines of human reasoning.

An athiest would laugh at this and say I have thrown logic and reason out of the window, but I am not ashamed of it. It just felt true, and as I have poured over scripture and some great writers (I REALLY love Tozer), I have found myself feeling like God is all I want, both because feel a longing for him, but because I want to glorify him.

My only issue is what to do next. My father is dying from cancer, and I am struggling a great deal with this now, but I am less afraid. I am trying to witness to him, but he is not lucid and in a lot of pain. I am praying for all I am worth. It is making my depression worse, but I am fighting onwards.

On a related issue: Depression is a mental illness, but I have also read and accepted that it may be influenced by Satan and his demons. It has left me unfit to witness to others. I have no confidence to witness to others, even though I am trying my best to witness to my dying father. What is expected by God of me in terms of discipleship? Is it a mistake to conflate witnessing to discipleship? Is a mentally ill believer still expected to evangelize?

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zlick45 said:

I have been to church for the last three weeks. People are praying for my dad's cancer and for strength in my faith. I have sought community with a pastor I knew was in my area, but I was fearful of the soteriology he accepted and so rejected it. Now I am admitting that I was wrong to do that, and he has said he will meet me. To be honest, I am past the point of wanting what is true (in terms of theology) aligning with what I want to be true. In the end, God's truth is His truth, not what I want to be true. All I want is to love Him.

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zlick45 said:

I take its purpose to be that the world should know that we can only know God through Jesus. Tozer had, in my honest opinion, a clearer understanding of God than anyone outside of the Bible I have ever read (Lewis is another I have become fond of). His words just resonated with Jesus I was shown in Scripture. Also, what I previously mistook as a inconsistent - God's immutability, justice, goodness and love being his essential attributes - have come to be simply truth, and one has to be humble to see that. I have to admit I took some pride in the fact that I doubted the consistency of His attributes, although I have to admit that, as CS Lewis said in The Screwtape Letters, there is a danger of pride creeping out of regarding oneself as humble.

My faith has changed a lot through the course of the last year. In fact, I find myself in a position in which I cannot be sure whether or not a year ago I actually had faith, at least not as I how I understand it now. My understanding of repentance was upon reflection not what I now believe to be genuine i.e. merely trying to get out of sin vs. telling God that I was wrong and that I was turning my back on sin knowing full well that I cannot do it without him. A most beautiful sermon by Derek Prince was what made me reconsider my standing with God.

Also, I was under what I now consider to be the mistaken idea that saying that simply God exists and that Jesus was the Son of God - albeit in a non-Trinitarian sense - was sufficient when coupled with trying to work my way out of sin.

Recently, I was contemplating my struggles with sin. Even though the struggle has become less severe since I repented in the way which has made me feel closer to God, I read a book, The Bondage Breaker, recommended to me by my pastor. I had tried to read it a few months ago, but I couldn't get far. To cut a long story short, I had an extremely harrowing experience after getting about two thirds through that made me aware of a spiritual dimension of reality that I had previously not taken seriously. I am aware that some professing Christians do not in the demonic, but my position on that has changed. Some might say that exposure to the book may have made me more open to the demonic in an attempt to 'psychologize' me (no disrespect intended to those who might do so), but what I experienced was very real to me. Yet it had the effect of pushing me closer to God.

Then today, my father passed away from bone cancer. I sat in my grief after calling my loved ones, and felt the full onslaught of grief accompanied by a comfort settling over me. Yes, he was gone and, I pray, at peace with the Lord, but the feeling was that it's okay and that I could move on, and to focus on those in my family whom I still have. I understand the psychology of grief, and know what to expect, and although I do not expect it to go away, I feel that God is there with me, and that I cannot make it far without him, maybe not even an inch. Many years ago, I would have called that view of God a crutch. Now I call it faith based on trust. I don't know where this walk will take me, but I know I am not alone.

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zlick45 said:

I know it is a long time since my last post on this thread, but a lot of things have changed through time spent in scripture and reading author's like A.W. Tozer. I have been trying not to be led by my feelings, but some things have happened that I feel I should mention.

About a month ago, I found myself in prayer after reading a large amount on repentance. I thought about a lot of things, the most important being God's nature. I felt something change inside of me. I didn't know why it was happening, but whatever it was, it was asking for a change of heart. It was asking for repentance. So I prayed and prayed, and although I struggled with it a great deal, I felt a change. The strong urge to sin and the guilt that was with me from my sin had been lessened greatly. I then came to the conclusion that the Holy Spirit is a person. Following that, I could not make sense of the Holy Spirit being a person without the Spirit being one with the Father and Son. It wasn't through any logical argument or anything along the lines of human reasoning.

An athiest would laugh at this and say I have thrown logic and reason out of the window, but I am not ashamed of it. It just felt true, and as I have poured over scripture and some great writers (I REALLY love Tozer), I have found myself feeling like God is all I want, both because feel a longing for him, but because I want to glorify him.

My only issue is what to do next. My father is dying from cancer, and I am struggling a great deal with this now, but I am less afraid. I am trying to witness to him, but he is not lucid and in a lot of pain. I am praying for all I am worth. It is making my depression worse, but I am fighting onwards.

On a related issue: Depression is a mental illness, but I have also read and accepted that it may be influenced by Satan and his demons. It has left me unfit to witness to others. I have no confidence to witness to others, even though I am trying my best to witness to my dying father. What is expected by God of me in terms of discipleship? Is it a mistake to conflate witnessing to discipleship? Is a mentally ill believer still expected to evangelize?

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zlick45 said:

I’ve been consulting with a physician for many years about the depression and also for my sleeping disorder. The medicine I’m prescribed focuses on anxiety as opposed to depression and on my sleep issues. I’m in Taiwan, and I’m not sure whether the practice here is to focus on the anxiety as opposed to the depression. I’m still muddy on the relationship between anxiety and depression, but I’ll trust in the physician for now and get a reassessment when I move to Australia to live with my wife and son in July.

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The temporary separation from my wife and son has been difficult yet it’s also allowed me to grow spiritually, something which I found difficult before. At times I wonder whether God, in His providence, intended this for growth spiritually.

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