Hello everyone, I am so glad to be here and as a newbie and a young man (23) I am full of questions. I spend many hours researching theology and the like, reading bible verses, etc etc. Let me tell you a little something about myself.
I grew up in Manchester, NH, in a suburb, and was raised by my Mom and Dad, mostly my Dad though cus my parents split when I was 7.
After serving in the US Air Force as an Air Traffic Controller for 2 years, and then being booted out and (still pending) a Bad Conduct Discharge after a Military Court Martial for drug-related charges, and after living my entire life as an agnostic and eventually a staunch Atheist, I was visiting preachers and clergy, and I was in and out of Mental Hospitals, Instituations, Military Prison, Drug Rehab, etc etc, but yet I still kept falling, kept failing, kept using drugs, nothing changed, my mindset remained the same and my heart remained hardened and I remained Atheist.
In October of last year, I was staying in a psychiactric unit for yet ANOTHER combined Drug Detox / Suicide watch stay. Well, I ended up leaving the psychiactric unit early, against medical advice, to go and do drugs and have sex with a girl who I met in the Unit. I ended up leaving and went to her house, and proceeded to take a massive amount of drugs - if any of you are studied at all in Pharmacology (which I am very knowledgable in) let me tell you what I took that night - atleast 8mg of Klonopin, atleast 6mg of Ativan, about 100mg of Oxycodone / Percocet, atleast 6 or 7 Budweisers, and oh of course, plenty of Weed and Cigs. I ended up having unprotected sex with this girl I had just met after I had taken all these drugs.
Suddenly, i could NOT pee. I tried and tried, for hours, sat down and could NOT go, i felt like my bladder was gonna explode. I was so worried, and I told this girl, "I NEED to goto the ER, something is wrong". I ended up in the ER, and my memory of most of this stuff is VERY fuzzy, but let me tell you what i remember, and oh, I have so much more to share! Gods grace and mercy just has my body and soul feeling so healthy right now, and if I can reach 1 person with my story who is an Atheist Sinner like I was to convert, then maybe gods plan for me has been fulfilled.
The doctors proceeded to shove tubes into my peehole (I am a male....i was SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER!) and also a direct catheter into my bladder because i was so blocked up. I remember at one point the dr said "wow, you should'nt have been able to pee for the past 6 months!". This is among the many things that has convinced me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is VERY real, and Jesus is the Lord. So many "coincidences" which have proved to me that the world is not chaotic and random and filled with random acts of violence and evil - there is an order to the madness that has been setup by a Higher Power. Back to my story.
The Doctors gave me an IV of a sedative called Versed, and then a general anesthetic and put me under for surgery - I did not wakeup from the surgery, the drugs had interacted and I was basically declared brain dead by the Doctors. (This is all what was told to me, I don't have much memory of it aside from hearing gods voice saying come to me and me rejecting him and saying no im scared and ive lived in sin etc etc).
I miraculously recovered and wokeup one day and the nurse walked in. I started asking what happened what happened what happened and she ran and got the doctor, and his look was astonishment and then I heard, MY OWN VOICE, from the night that I got the surgery, saying "no i didnt take any drugs just give me the IV sedative!!!!!!!". Because, of course, as a drug addict, i wanted MORE MORE MORE, NOW NOW NOW!
Several more miracles followed, including amongst other things, me actually talking to god through a 1-800 # I called on the TV. I saw a 1-800 # on the TV for something, I dont remember what, everything is so fuzzy, but gods voice took over the automated voice from the 1800 # and started asking me "WHY DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GOD?" and every time id say "I DO" and then think in my head "what is wrong, im insane" hed repeat, "WHY DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GOD?", over and over and over, until i believed in my heart and mind, and then he just said something like "Okay, Good.".
The next week was spent recovering in the hospital, and I ended up talking to a preacher and telling him I talked to god - Some man of god he was, he went and told the doctors I was insane and hearing voices - They pumped me full of anti-psychotic drugs and I had yet another bad reaction, and ended up in a full blown psychosis, at one point proclaiming that I, myself, was Jesus Christ. Several hours (maybe days) Were spent handcuffed to a hospital bed, being pumped full of anti psychotic drugs and god knows what else, and fighting hospital staff.
Eventually, from what was told to me, the Hospital I was at had given up on me and having to handcuff me to the bed every day to keep me from beating the crap outta hospital staff. The police were brought in and I was handcuffed plus leg shackled and led to a police Van where i was transported from the Hospital I was at the New Hampshire State Hospital (The state run psychiactric ward, the highest honor for all the criminally insane!!). When I got there, my psychosis had convinced me the hospital staff were all possessed by demons and I spent the next 4 hours literally in a padded room, at random times having 8 or 10 psychiactric nurses and mental health workers have to come in and tackle me (Im 6' tall and 220 pounds, and strong, and when in a fully psychotic state beliving i was being attacked by demons - you can imagine what they head to put up with, I actually punched a couple of them but they didnt press charges), and shoot me up with psychotropic drugs.
I finally calmed down halfway and one of the MHW's (mental health workers) convinced me he was just a person and not a demon or any supernatural being. I was let out of the padded room and given a regular room. I spent the night in a clouded, foggy haze, trying to put all the pieces together of what had happened to me over the past few weeks, and what was legitmate mental health problems and psychosis, along with what could have caused it, and also what spiritual things happened. (And to this day I believe I talked to god that night, and had an NDE that I cannot remember, that were not related to mental illness).
The next morning I woke up a shivering mess - I had a clear head and could hear people talking to me, but I was basically a vegetable - I drooled on myself, I shook from head to toe with intense tremors, I felt physically worse than I ever felt in my life, I could barely talk more than a couple words (ok, yes, no, love you - to my mom). Again, the Dr's said - hes got brain damage, hell never recover, and continued to give me Anti Psychotic drugs to stop hallucinations/delusions.
I stayed in the NHH for 2 weeks until I was declared sane enough to be released to a drug rehabs psychiactric unit in Brattleboro VT. I went there, and I refused to take the Risperdal (the anti-psychotic they had prescribed) anymore, because I knew I was not psychotic anymore and I was not in need of anti-psychotic drugs. Within 3 days of stopping the Risperdal, and starting a new medication called Zyprexa, I "miraculously" recovered and was once again completely normal - sane, lucid, not shaking or drooling, not brain damaged or brain dead, like the doctors had told my parents and scared them to death with, twice.
I ended up going to a 30 day in patient rehab program, and the entire time I was there I was encountering people talking to me through the Holy Spirit, i had several times where I would be praying to see gods presence (I was a brand new christian, and recovering from a lifetime of Atheism, remember this) and I would open my eyes, and see a homeless man standing there, close my eyes, open them again and he'd be gone. Everywhere I looked, I saw signs from God and I was constantly reminded that everything is determined and everything unfolds according to Gods Will - Not Mans as I had so believed my entire life. I prayed for god to keep reminding me of his presence and not let me grow from him. I did not comprehend Christianity fully and did not understand how Sin seperates us from God and makes our hearts grow hard.
I left rehab right after Christmas 2010. I did real good for January and February 2011. Praying lots, reading the bible, attending church, going to AA meetings (although I was arrogant and thought I did nto have to work the program, so I would just sit and not talk, and I did not get a sponsor). Eventually, I started questioning everything I went through, and stopped recieving such obvious signs from god.
I started watching a lot more porn and feeling less and less guilty about it, I picked up weed again, whcih soon led to alcohol, and, which, by May of this year, led me to pick up the needle and Heroin, yet again, even after God shed his mercy and grace on an Atheist sinner such as myself.
I was basically an atheist again, although I still described myself as Christian, I was not a real Christian by any stretch of the word. I was spiritually dead, yet again. Soon my IV Heroin use led to other addictions I had before and picked up again, soon i was smoking Crack Cocaine along with my Heroin and then I'd pop a couple xanax and drink a beer and smoke a joint afterwards....just to relax. My prescription drug abuse, hard drug abuse, street drug abuse, everything abuse. I was also watching tons of porn, and having unprotected sex with several different women. I was a walking billboard for Sin, and I rebelled and rejected god FIERCELY. I tried praying to show me a sign and prove that everything that happened wasnt my mind playing tricks on me, but no sign came, and I continued my downward spiral.
Last week, I was smoking crack with one of my girlfriends and I became HIGHLY suicidal after I had lost my job and my home due to my drug usage and my homicidal maniac type behavior. They tried to get me to check into a detox or mental hospital, but I have been to so many I was very resistant. After going to a hospital I had been to before, and being denied because apparently I wasnt suicidal enough (I told them I wanted to kill myself, kill everyone around me, and it was true, I was a homicidal suicidal maniac, completely devoted to myself, drugs, and harming others and myself, and bringing negativity to all I came across, just like I was before my experiences from the previous year).
I ended up in a Detox Unit at a hospital here, again. Really, a psychiactric / detox Unit. My plan was to pimp the dr's for as much drugs as i could, then get back out on the st, and be homeless, and continue my crack and heroin and everything else usage. Either that or commit suicide. Although the one thing that stopped me from suiciding was the thought planted in my head "hey man, what if you commit suicide and you end up standing before god and being thrown into hell for all of eternity". Although I seriously considered it. VERY Seriously.
I was in the detox unit, and all of a sudden, I was in my room, and I was praying. Praying to god, "god help me, god im lost and i really do think you talked to me before, please talk to me again and clarify what happened, please help me lord god".
At that exact moment my Roomate walked in. He happens to be a Christian, although he was in there for drug use, and so I know he was obviously fallen from God as well. I don't know whether god "possessed" him or just talked through him with the Holy Spirit. My roomate sat on the edge of the bed and just looked at me, silent. I looked at him and thought in my mind, "if your god and gonna talk through my roomate, say something". At the end of that thought, my roomate said, "well, what do you wanna talk about?". I could FEEL the Lord Presence, and I was shaking and sweating and nervous and felt my heart beating out of my chest.
I started rapid firing questions at him - why does evil exist? what is my destiny? what happens in heaven? all these questions man has asked him for thousands of years. He answered them all with mostly vague responses, but responses. He spoke with a stern and steady voice, not like my actual roomate, but like I said, like my roomate was being "possessed" or controlled somehow by God, (hey, hes Omnipotent, who says he cannot control us? We are but his creations, and he can do with us as he pleases). He told me one thing I remember vividly and hopefully will the rest of my life - Every word of the Holy Bible is the truth. Because I asked which religion is right, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, thats what he told me.
I'm not trying to write a book here so let me try to wrap up. Thanks if your still reading. Over the next 5 days, I prayed and prayed, and god was with me, and i could feel him. Every time I'd look at the TV it seemed there was something on about God, or related to God and other "coincidences", again, which made me believe in Gods plan, not random hectic chaos violence and death.
Well, I got out of detox with a VERY clear head, and feeling VERY healthy in Mind, Body and Spirit. I did end up committing some sins, even after I had confessed lots of prior sins to a catholic father in the hospital. I smoked some weed, and I had sex with my girlfriend (who i have since broken up with because she refuse to believe in Christ). Well, after spending the weekend praying and reading bible verses and listening to Christian Rap music (which btw Lecrae is AWESOME check him out!) , I have come to the conclusion I need to purify my life and live as sin free as possible and spread the word to as many people as possible and spread my story, the Holy Spirit is running through me strongly especially as I type this and I hope you all read this and it reaffirms you Faith in Christ.
I was a lost soul, and Gods Grace saved me, for the second time in my life, from an eternity of damnation. Theres lots and lots more I could talk about.
I have also been attending AA/NA meetings every day, I talked for my first time at a meeting the other day, and I gotta sponsor and a bunch of peoples #'s and deleted all my old contacts off my cellphone. I also deleted all the amateur porn pictures off my phone that i had taken (which was hard to do, believe me!) and last night I threw away all the old prescriptions i had laying around and the current ones they had me on (none of which are needed, believe me).
There is lots more to my story and I'm thinking of possibly writing a book some day - my mind is filled with positivity and I have so many visions of me leading a wonderful and fruitful life and then spending an Eternity in Heaven with my Father. This post is too long now!
I grew up in Manchester, NH, in a suburb, and was raised by my Mom and Dad, mostly my Dad though cus my parents split when I was 7.
After serving in the US Air Force as an Air Traffic Controller for 2 years, and then being booted out and (still pending) a Bad Conduct Discharge after a Military Court Martial for drug-related charges, and after living my entire life as an agnostic and eventually a staunch Atheist, I was visiting preachers and clergy, and I was in and out of Mental Hospitals, Instituations, Military Prison, Drug Rehab, etc etc, but yet I still kept falling, kept failing, kept using drugs, nothing changed, my mindset remained the same and my heart remained hardened and I remained Atheist.
In October of last year, I was staying in a psychiactric unit for yet ANOTHER combined Drug Detox / Suicide watch stay. Well, I ended up leaving the psychiactric unit early, against medical advice, to go and do drugs and have sex with a girl who I met in the Unit. I ended up leaving and went to her house, and proceeded to take a massive amount of drugs - if any of you are studied at all in Pharmacology (which I am very knowledgable in) let me tell you what I took that night - atleast 8mg of Klonopin, atleast 6mg of Ativan, about 100mg of Oxycodone / Percocet, atleast 6 or 7 Budweisers, and oh of course, plenty of Weed and Cigs. I ended up having unprotected sex with this girl I had just met after I had taken all these drugs.
Suddenly, i could NOT pee. I tried and tried, for hours, sat down and could NOT go, i felt like my bladder was gonna explode. I was so worried, and I told this girl, "I NEED to goto the ER, something is wrong". I ended up in the ER, and my memory of most of this stuff is VERY fuzzy, but let me tell you what i remember, and oh, I have so much more to share! Gods grace and mercy just has my body and soul feeling so healthy right now, and if I can reach 1 person with my story who is an Atheist Sinner like I was to convert, then maybe gods plan for me has been fulfilled.
The doctors proceeded to shove tubes into my peehole (I am a male....i was SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER!) and also a direct catheter into my bladder because i was so blocked up. I remember at one point the dr said "wow, you should'nt have been able to pee for the past 6 months!". This is among the many things that has convinced me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is VERY real, and Jesus is the Lord. So many "coincidences" which have proved to me that the world is not chaotic and random and filled with random acts of violence and evil - there is an order to the madness that has been setup by a Higher Power. Back to my story.
The Doctors gave me an IV of a sedative called Versed, and then a general anesthetic and put me under for surgery - I did not wakeup from the surgery, the drugs had interacted and I was basically declared brain dead by the Doctors. (This is all what was told to me, I don't have much memory of it aside from hearing gods voice saying come to me and me rejecting him and saying no im scared and ive lived in sin etc etc).
I miraculously recovered and wokeup one day and the nurse walked in. I started asking what happened what happened what happened and she ran and got the doctor, and his look was astonishment and then I heard, MY OWN VOICE, from the night that I got the surgery, saying "no i didnt take any drugs just give me the IV sedative!!!!!!!". Because, of course, as a drug addict, i wanted MORE MORE MORE, NOW NOW NOW!
Several more miracles followed, including amongst other things, me actually talking to god through a 1-800 # I called on the TV. I saw a 1-800 # on the TV for something, I dont remember what, everything is so fuzzy, but gods voice took over the automated voice from the 1800 # and started asking me "WHY DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GOD?" and every time id say "I DO" and then think in my head "what is wrong, im insane" hed repeat, "WHY DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GOD?", over and over and over, until i believed in my heart and mind, and then he just said something like "Okay, Good.".
The next week was spent recovering in the hospital, and I ended up talking to a preacher and telling him I talked to god - Some man of god he was, he went and told the doctors I was insane and hearing voices - They pumped me full of anti-psychotic drugs and I had yet another bad reaction, and ended up in a full blown psychosis, at one point proclaiming that I, myself, was Jesus Christ. Several hours (maybe days) Were spent handcuffed to a hospital bed, being pumped full of anti psychotic drugs and god knows what else, and fighting hospital staff.
Eventually, from what was told to me, the Hospital I was at had given up on me and having to handcuff me to the bed every day to keep me from beating the crap outta hospital staff. The police were brought in and I was handcuffed plus leg shackled and led to a police Van where i was transported from the Hospital I was at the New Hampshire State Hospital (The state run psychiactric ward, the highest honor for all the criminally insane!!). When I got there, my psychosis had convinced me the hospital staff were all possessed by demons and I spent the next 4 hours literally in a padded room, at random times having 8 or 10 psychiactric nurses and mental health workers have to come in and tackle me (Im 6' tall and 220 pounds, and strong, and when in a fully psychotic state beliving i was being attacked by demons - you can imagine what they head to put up with, I actually punched a couple of them but they didnt press charges), and shoot me up with psychotropic drugs.
I finally calmed down halfway and one of the MHW's (mental health workers) convinced me he was just a person and not a demon or any supernatural being. I was let out of the padded room and given a regular room. I spent the night in a clouded, foggy haze, trying to put all the pieces together of what had happened to me over the past few weeks, and what was legitmate mental health problems and psychosis, along with what could have caused it, and also what spiritual things happened. (And to this day I believe I talked to god that night, and had an NDE that I cannot remember, that were not related to mental illness).
The next morning I woke up a shivering mess - I had a clear head and could hear people talking to me, but I was basically a vegetable - I drooled on myself, I shook from head to toe with intense tremors, I felt physically worse than I ever felt in my life, I could barely talk more than a couple words (ok, yes, no, love you - to my mom). Again, the Dr's said - hes got brain damage, hell never recover, and continued to give me Anti Psychotic drugs to stop hallucinations/delusions.
I stayed in the NHH for 2 weeks until I was declared sane enough to be released to a drug rehabs psychiactric unit in Brattleboro VT. I went there, and I refused to take the Risperdal (the anti-psychotic they had prescribed) anymore, because I knew I was not psychotic anymore and I was not in need of anti-psychotic drugs. Within 3 days of stopping the Risperdal, and starting a new medication called Zyprexa, I "miraculously" recovered and was once again completely normal - sane, lucid, not shaking or drooling, not brain damaged or brain dead, like the doctors had told my parents and scared them to death with, twice.
I ended up going to a 30 day in patient rehab program, and the entire time I was there I was encountering people talking to me through the Holy Spirit, i had several times where I would be praying to see gods presence (I was a brand new christian, and recovering from a lifetime of Atheism, remember this) and I would open my eyes, and see a homeless man standing there, close my eyes, open them again and he'd be gone. Everywhere I looked, I saw signs from God and I was constantly reminded that everything is determined and everything unfolds according to Gods Will - Not Mans as I had so believed my entire life. I prayed for god to keep reminding me of his presence and not let me grow from him. I did not comprehend Christianity fully and did not understand how Sin seperates us from God and makes our hearts grow hard.
I left rehab right after Christmas 2010. I did real good for January and February 2011. Praying lots, reading the bible, attending church, going to AA meetings (although I was arrogant and thought I did nto have to work the program, so I would just sit and not talk, and I did not get a sponsor). Eventually, I started questioning everything I went through, and stopped recieving such obvious signs from god.
I started watching a lot more porn and feeling less and less guilty about it, I picked up weed again, whcih soon led to alcohol, and, which, by May of this year, led me to pick up the needle and Heroin, yet again, even after God shed his mercy and grace on an Atheist sinner such as myself.
I was basically an atheist again, although I still described myself as Christian, I was not a real Christian by any stretch of the word. I was spiritually dead, yet again. Soon my IV Heroin use led to other addictions I had before and picked up again, soon i was smoking Crack Cocaine along with my Heroin and then I'd pop a couple xanax and drink a beer and smoke a joint afterwards....just to relax. My prescription drug abuse, hard drug abuse, street drug abuse, everything abuse. I was also watching tons of porn, and having unprotected sex with several different women. I was a walking billboard for Sin, and I rebelled and rejected god FIERCELY. I tried praying to show me a sign and prove that everything that happened wasnt my mind playing tricks on me, but no sign came, and I continued my downward spiral.
Last week, I was smoking crack with one of my girlfriends and I became HIGHLY suicidal after I had lost my job and my home due to my drug usage and my homicidal maniac type behavior. They tried to get me to check into a detox or mental hospital, but I have been to so many I was very resistant. After going to a hospital I had been to before, and being denied because apparently I wasnt suicidal enough (I told them I wanted to kill myself, kill everyone around me, and it was true, I was a homicidal suicidal maniac, completely devoted to myself, drugs, and harming others and myself, and bringing negativity to all I came across, just like I was before my experiences from the previous year).
I ended up in a Detox Unit at a hospital here, again. Really, a psychiactric / detox Unit. My plan was to pimp the dr's for as much drugs as i could, then get back out on the st, and be homeless, and continue my crack and heroin and everything else usage. Either that or commit suicide. Although the one thing that stopped me from suiciding was the thought planted in my head "hey man, what if you commit suicide and you end up standing before god and being thrown into hell for all of eternity". Although I seriously considered it. VERY Seriously.
I was in the detox unit, and all of a sudden, I was in my room, and I was praying. Praying to god, "god help me, god im lost and i really do think you talked to me before, please talk to me again and clarify what happened, please help me lord god".
At that exact moment my Roomate walked in. He happens to be a Christian, although he was in there for drug use, and so I know he was obviously fallen from God as well. I don't know whether god "possessed" him or just talked through him with the Holy Spirit. My roomate sat on the edge of the bed and just looked at me, silent. I looked at him and thought in my mind, "if your god and gonna talk through my roomate, say something". At the end of that thought, my roomate said, "well, what do you wanna talk about?". I could FEEL the Lord Presence, and I was shaking and sweating and nervous and felt my heart beating out of my chest.
I started rapid firing questions at him - why does evil exist? what is my destiny? what happens in heaven? all these questions man has asked him for thousands of years. He answered them all with mostly vague responses, but responses. He spoke with a stern and steady voice, not like my actual roomate, but like I said, like my roomate was being "possessed" or controlled somehow by God, (hey, hes Omnipotent, who says he cannot control us? We are but his creations, and he can do with us as he pleases). He told me one thing I remember vividly and hopefully will the rest of my life - Every word of the Holy Bible is the truth. Because I asked which religion is right, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, thats what he told me.
I'm not trying to write a book here so let me try to wrap up. Thanks if your still reading. Over the next 5 days, I prayed and prayed, and god was with me, and i could feel him. Every time I'd look at the TV it seemed there was something on about God, or related to God and other "coincidences", again, which made me believe in Gods plan, not random hectic chaos violence and death.
Well, I got out of detox with a VERY clear head, and feeling VERY healthy in Mind, Body and Spirit. I did end up committing some sins, even after I had confessed lots of prior sins to a catholic father in the hospital. I smoked some weed, and I had sex with my girlfriend (who i have since broken up with because she refuse to believe in Christ). Well, after spending the weekend praying and reading bible verses and listening to Christian Rap music (which btw Lecrae is AWESOME check him out!) , I have come to the conclusion I need to purify my life and live as sin free as possible and spread the word to as many people as possible and spread my story, the Holy Spirit is running through me strongly especially as I type this and I hope you all read this and it reaffirms you Faith in Christ.
I was a lost soul, and Gods Grace saved me, for the second time in my life, from an eternity of damnation. Theres lots and lots more I could talk about.
I have also been attending AA/NA meetings every day, I talked for my first time at a meeting the other day, and I gotta sponsor and a bunch of peoples #'s and deleted all my old contacts off my cellphone. I also deleted all the amateur porn pictures off my phone that i had taken (which was hard to do, believe me!) and last night I threw away all the old prescriptions i had laying around and the current ones they had me on (none of which are needed, believe me).
There is lots more to my story and I'm thinking of possibly writing a book some day - my mind is filled with positivity and I have so many visions of me leading a wonderful and fruitful life and then spending an Eternity in Heaven with my Father. This post is too long now!
