Heavy stuff on my mind....

[Purity_over_Passion]

I have just had some stuff on my mind and wondering if y'all could help me sort it all out. To put a intensive complicated situation in a short statement... How do you get ride of your love for someone. When I was 19/21 I got way close to this girl. She died in 2007 in a car accident. And i knew i cared for her deeply, but just chalked it off to immature, little boy doesn't know how to handle his emotions. Well I believe I have a slightly tighter grasp of reality and of what emotions are what. So here I am 26 years old and finding myself missing this girl to the point where I am not feeling well. I also realized since she died I have not had a single relationship last longer than a month. I guess what i need help with is how do i know how emotionally attached i still am to this girl? and How do i move on with my life?

You might ask why it has taken me so long to realize this or for the concern to come to the surface. Well the answer to that is that my mom died when i was 12 and never even before that had a solid relationship with my mom. So I had always assumed that was my issue with relationships with girls, but i am beginning to wonder.

Thanks,

Starr

 

[mahlalie]

I really wish I knew how to answer that one, bro. All I can really do is let you know I'll be prayin' for you. :/

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

Thanks Mahlalie, and that is probably in answer in all honesty. might be one of those things i just have to pray about and let God take care of.

 

[Nazzul]

Time heals all wounds right? right?

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

That's what they say..... sometimes i think its a cop-out. but maybe. i mean its been 4 years. well coming up on four years soon.

 

[lost-sheep]

I wish I had the answer for you... partially because I would also answer my own questions at the same time.

Have you tried to give it over to God? Just say this is Yours do with it as You please?

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

I thought I did.. but i didn't give it much thought really. I just never thought it had really effected me. still not convinced that is the source. but i know seeing all of her past stuff she wrote me and stuff.... hurts. i don't know if its natural. I don't think so. I don't feel like that when i look at my mom's pic. i might be doing some hardcore praying about it this week... probably

 

[EyesOfKohl]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I feel for you man. I don't think love ever dies away, you don't have to forget her, but try and find a way you can release your emotions. Only you, yourself will know the best way to do this. God be with you.

 

[Luther073082]

Odd as I felt compelled to respond to this thread, the radio started playing the song "Oh where oh where can my baby be"

First of all you said you got way too close to this girl. You are not correct in that. There is nothing wrong with getting emotionally close to someone (unless they don't want to be that emotionally close to you.) Just because she died does not mean that it was wrong of you to get close to her. Yes of course it hurts when you get that close to someone and you lose them. But that does not make it bad.

I'm not convinced that this girl is your problem though. Can you tell us a bit more about how most of your relationships end.

If this girl is the cause of your problems I would guess it has to do with possibly you being afraid of getting too close to someone again for fear you will lose them.

Looking at some old letters is going to bring back some of that pain that is just natural. But I'm not entirely convinced that you are still in morning for her, although that could be true.

But for starters I want to challenge your assumption that "you got too close to her."

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

well to talk about "i got to close to her" i say that in the aspect not because she died but because we had a friendship that i wouldn't consider healthy by my standards today. she lived a few states over so we rarely ever saw each other. but we just literally talked for entire nights. I think we had two separate spans of 15 hours each.. just ridiculous. and ultimately probably was even harmless. I truly knew her as person better than anybody else in my life.

To answer your question how most of my relationships end. well i don't date much. In college I did. I dated a girl for two weeks and broke up with her and moved on. Then God rocked my world and I chilled out a lot. I have only dated four girls since. All of them Godly, beautiful, amazing girls. None of them lasted very long, but I broke up with all of them but one. The last one her dad called me and asked me to not talk to his daughter again. lol. It was an age issue. I didn't really see the big difference but it was. The dad just thought I was to old. Which he was right. I learned and move on lol.

and random about that song. She loved that song... we use to sing that song on the phone all the time. lol

 

[Luther073082]

But the question is WHY did you break up with these girls?? You must have had some reason.

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

oh... um... a handful of them I got scared of commitment and didn't want to take the next step. (I am over that now... i think) lol and the rest of them just didn't turn out to be what i want, or what I expected. or i got bored.

 

[Luther073082]

oh... um... a handful of them I got scared of commitment and didn't want to take the next step. (I am over that now... i think) lol and the rest of them just didn't turn out to be what i want, or what I expected. or i got bored.

Then I think you need to develop some maturity.

Its one thing to find out that someone isn't what you wanted or expected. But getting bored or being afraid of committment are kind of signs of immaturity that you need to get through.

You date to find someone to marry, and when you marry its life long. And in a life long committment, not every day is going to be happy fun times. I don't just leave my wife if I find her boring.

What I don't understand about the fear of commitment is that you are afraid of this less then a month into the relationship? I presume they where not expecting an engagement ring or a wedding in that month. There is no real committment until at least an engagement. And even then the committment is rather mild until you marry.

But ultimatly you can't spend your life afraid of that committment. No one wants to be with a person that isn't in it for the long haul.

To be quite honest I don't think this girl has anything to do with it. I think its just an immaturity thing. And relationship wise you have a lot of growing up to do before you are ready for an adult relationship. And I think you need to do it quickly.

If you want to talk further along those lines, don't hesitate to PM me or something.

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

Well all of that immaturity was from before God wrecked my in my college life. Yes, I was insanely immature... the stories that i could tell you of how ridiculous i was... lol And not that I am this uber mature adult now, but I really have come a long way and I am confident in who I am today. I have now had 1 girlfriend in the last 4 years. And that was the one where the dad called me. So I don't know if my history of ex girlfriends are a fair assessment of my maturity or of my emotional health. And i wasn't particularly blaming my friend from keeping me from having a relationship. That would be kind of lame. When I do find my wife, I would like to be able to be emotionally committed to her. and not the baggage.

 

[Luther073082]

Well all of that immaturity was from before God wrecked my in my college life. Yes, I was insanely immature... the stories that i could tell you of how ridiculous i was... lol And not that I am this uber mature adult now, but I really have come a long way and I am confident in who I am today. I have now had 1 girlfriend in the last 4 years. And that was the one where the dad called me. So I don't know if my history of ex girlfriends are a fair assessment of my maturity or of my emotional health. And i wasn't particularly blaming my friend from keeping me from having a relationship. That would be kind of lame. When I do find my wife, I would like to be able to be emotionally committed to her. and not the baggage.

Ok fair enough since you've only been in one relationship in the last 4 years, which was ended by her father. (Although it bothers me that you would have been dating someone young enough to have their relationship ended by their father.)

But really my answer still comes in as a no, I don't think its really the baggage that is harming you relationship wise.

Perhaps it may also be a confidence issue as well.

 

[Purity_over_Passion]

lol yeah she was young. I was 24 and she was 19. The dad saw it as just we were in complete different stages of life. There may be more to the story, he may have heard some of my shady past and just didn't get the chance to know me or I am not sure. It did seem abrupt. But I granted his wishes and moved on. And Thanks for your opinion. and it could be a confidence thing. I am just now realizing who Joe Starr is and it has taking me awhile. I just moved to Texas to be apart of a new church plant the the pastor here really has taken me and challenged me to pursue knowledge in my spiritual gifts and to hold on to God's promises for my future. And its been incredible how much I am learning and growing. This could be a piece of my old self hanging on.