Heartbroken...Seeking Advice

[Mysterie7]

My story and question is very involved and complex. I hope someone can help shed some light on it all for me. I've gotten advice from friends and it has helped to an extent. I just wanted to know what others might think of the situation as well.

My long-term (almost 4 yrs) boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. Since that time we have talked some, but haven't seen one another. He has said that he is confused, doesn't know what's wrong with him, and asked for space and I've given him some...although I guess not enough because last Friday he sent me a mad e-mail saying, "I don't know how to say it in so many words, but I am dating someone else." He also stated that it was because he was really upset about some comments I made about his church a week prior to that. I admit that I was extremely distraught and said some things that I shouldn't have. I have also pressured him into answering questions after he continually told me over and over that he needed space. (Yes, I know that I was wrong for doing that, and I will not make any excuses other than the fact that I am really impatient. God is working on me with that issue definitely!) I thought he had forgiven me, because he'd sent me an e-mail afterward saying that it's okay. That was a few days before the mad e-mail. I guess I said a few more things that made him feel pressured to answer questions, so he sent the e-mail that day. I won't type it verbatim, but it was very abrupt and blunt, very unlike him. We have a few differences as far as doctrine go and had been talking about making compromises. Our entire relationship has been long-distance, most of it being from 3 hours away, until this past August when I took a new job and moved within an hour of him. I want to be able to talk to him and get back on good terms with him. I want to be able to right wrongs and create a healthier relationship than we had in the past. All of my friends are saying to back off and not contact him for a couple of weeks. Can anyone offer any additional advice on this matter or have I lost him forever? I definitely don't want to lose him. He is a phenomenal man and we have an incredible connection that is unexplainable. I can't imagine him not being in my life. Any help would be greatly appreciated....

 

[InTheFlame]

Back off, have some time to heal and get back to rationality, and see what happens. If you keep crowding him (even occasionally) you WILL lose him. If you let him have his space, you might keep him as a friend. I know it's hard when you've just been broken up with, but you've done the wrong thing and trampled over his boundaries - and now you're suffering the consequences. By backing off, you show that you're trying to change and willing to give him the space he requested... AND showing that you know you can survive without him. You can, you know!

Challenge: Meet up with a friend sometime this week and don't talk about your ex AT ALL. All night. Tell your friend beforehand that you don't want to talk about him, so they can help out.

 

[Mysterie7]

Yeah, I know I need to back off. I admit I made a lot of mistakes. So do you think I'll only be able to maintain a friendship if I back off? Are you saying that anything more is already lost? I certainly hope not. :-(

 

[California Dreamin']

I had a guy break up with me and he would still e-mail me sometimes and he told me on more than one time that he was dating someone else and he went right into detail about the new girl. Anyways, he did that to see if I was with anyone else believe it or not! He made up these new girls and he was not dating anyone else.
My boyfriend was with his ex for three years. They stopped talking but now they are talking and they are friends again. I think that you can be able to have a normal friendship afterwards. She has a new boyfriend, he has a new girlfriend, and they just talk about stuff like movies together like they would with any other friend.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Yeah, I know I need to back off. I admit I made a lot of mistakes. So do you think I'll only be able to maintain a friendship if I back off? Are you saying that anything more is already lost? I certainly hope not. :-(

Why are you putting all the blame on you? In your first post and this current post, it seems that you think you did everything wrong and that's the reason for the split. I'm sure both of you had a part in why the relationship is where it's at.

Me, personally, after four years of dating and there's no moving foward in a realtionship . . . then that would raise red flags and questions on why. (My opinion.)

Let it go and let God work it out. If you don't, from personal experience, I can guarantee that you will be miserable about this for a long time to come.

 

[bliz]

A relationship cannot turn from romance into friendship on a dime. While there are elements of friendship in a romance, or at least there should be, you have to let the romance die before you can renew or restart the friendship. Your friends have been giving you good advice. THis is not advice that will help you keep him as a friend - the results aren't guaranteed - but it is the best advice. Back off. Make no communication with him for a month and then slowly see if there remains a friendship. (All the previous time broken up doesn't count...)

 

[Mysterie7]

A relationship cannot turn from romance into friendship on a dime. While there are elements of friendship in a romance, or at least there should be, you have to let the romance die before you can renew or restart the friendship. Your friends have been giving you good advice. THis is not advice that will help you keep him as a friend - the results aren't guaranteed - but it is the best advice. Back off. Make no communication with him for a month and then slowly see if there remains a friendship. (All the previous time broken up doesn't count...)

The thing is, I don't want to be just friends... :-( I don't want to lose all that we've worked for the past 4 years. I have backed off now though. It's been 6 days since we last talked in any way. This is the longest we've ever gone without contact of some kind. A co-worker/friend suggested that I wait 2 weeks. She gives me daily encouragement not to contact him. I'm going to stick it out, and continue to give him space because he is worth it and he means so much to me.

Thank you all for your input on the situation. Please pray for me. I need strength.

 

[Mysterie7]

Why are you putting all the blame on you? In your first post and this current post, it seems that you think you did everything wrong and that's the reason for the split. I'm sure both of you had a part in why the relationship is where it's at.

Me, personally, after four years of dating and there's no moving foward in a realtionship . . . then that would raise red flags and questions on why. (My opinion.)

Let it go and let God work it out. If you don't, from personal experience, I can guarantee that you will be miserable about this for a long time to come.

True, we both played a part in what lead to the break-up. I guess, being an insecure person I tend to put all the blame on myself. We had moved forward in our relationship, but not to the point of marriage yet, but yes, I understand what you mean about it raising questions. I don't think there is a set time that you should date and marry however. We both move very slowly in relationships and also the fact that it was long distance has played a huge role in the length of courtship. I am working extremely hard to break my habit of feeling like I must have so much control over my life. I can see that God is teaching me that as well as patience. It's a daily struggle.