Heap coals vs shake the dust

[Renewed24]

Romans tells us to do good to those who hate us. It will heap coals on their heads and they'll be ashamed of how they've treated us. I effectively did this my whole life with my family. They did not feel ashamed or change their behavior. They concluded that I was quite okay with abuses and understood that I 'deserved it.'

Another part of the Bible tells us not to cast our pearls before swine and Mark says if people don't want to listen to shake the dust from our feet and leave them.

When and how do we decide which to apply?

In a way it's a moot point. I walked away from my family of origin 12 years ago when it became clear the alcoholic family dynamics were not going to change. But it really becomes a struggle every Christmas again as the sister who's behavior was so vicious and ugly that I quit going to family events, has retaliated by inviting my kids to her 'tradition' of Christmas Eve, midnight mass, and Christmas morning every year and my poor kids, young adults, don't really see the way she's using them as pawns. [By the way, I have tried offering this sister and others olive branches multiple times over the years despite not being the one who mistreated them, and they continually snub me anyway.] Anyway, it becomes an internal struggle repeatedly as I wonder was there anything I could have done differently? If I send her a Christmas gift, is she going to magically change? I believe in miracles--but she's had a dozen years to look at her behavior and hasn't.

 

[sandman]

Romans tells us to do good to those who hate us. It will heap coals on their heads and they'll be ashamed of how they've treated us. I effectively did this my whole life with my family. They did not feel ashamed or change their behavior. They concluded that I was quite okay with abuses and understood that I 'deserved it.'

Another part of the Bible tells us not to cast our pearls before swine and Mark says if people don't want to listen to shake the dust from our feet and leave them.

When and how do we decide which to apply?

In a way it's a moot point. I walked away from my family of origin 12 years ago when it became clear the alcoholic family dynamics were not going to change. But it really becomes a struggle every Christmas again as the sister who's behavior was so vicious and ugly that I quit going to family events, has retaliated by inviting my kids to her 'tradition' of Christmas Eve, midnight mass, and Christmas morning every year and my poor kids, young adults, don't really see the way she's using them as pawns. [By the way, I have tried offering this sister and others olive branches multiple times over the years despite not being the one who mistreated them, and they continually snub me anyway.] Anyway, it becomes an internal struggle repeatedly as I wonder was there anything I could have done differently? If I send her a Christmas gift, is she going to magically change? I believe in miracles--but she's had a dozen years to look at her behavior and hasn't.

I don’t see where Rom 12:20 declares that “they will be ashamed” …It just declares that you will warm them… ~ IF ~

IF thine enemy hunger, feed him; IF he thirst, give him drink.

If they don’t hunger and thirst, if they don’t have ears to hear or eyes to see …it probably won’t affect them (at that particular time)

Going back to Rom 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Sometimes it’s not possible…. Just don’t get caught up in the evil …do your best to walk in the love of God.

And …there is nothing you can do about the past, don’t try to second guess anything. The “if only” is a dry well. If you have the inspiration to do something for her …do it → without any kind of expectation.

 

[Renewed24]

I don’t see where Rom 12:20 declares that “they will be ashamed” …It just declares that you will warm them… ~ IF ~

IF thine enemy hunger, feed him; IF he thirst, give him drink.

If they don’t hunger and thirst, if they don’t have ears to hear or eyes to see …it probably won’t affect them (at that particular time)

Going back to Rom 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Sometimes it’s not possible…. Just don’t get caught up in the evil …do your best to walk in the love of God.

And …there is nothing you can do about the past, don’t try to second guess anything. The “if only” is a dry well. If you have the inspiration to do something for her …do it → without any kind of expectation.

Thank you. Good advice. I think you've put a lot of things in good perspective. I keep fearing that by not doing anything to repair the situation TODAY, I will be judged by God as unforgiving. Yet it seems pretty clear the situation will continue as is. I can either agree to be part of the abuse or not agree to.

I ask myself if there's any way to put an end to this situation in which my kids seem to think that because she 'has a tradition' that's more important than being with their mother. (And I have very good relationships with my sons and did with my daughter until she went to live with her father. So it's not that I'm an ogre they can't tolerate being around.)

In reading various versions of the Bible, I'm sometimes shocked at how very differently one is worded from another. The version I recently read uses the word ashamed. Others say coals on the head was a form of repentance and so it means they'll repent when you are kind to them.

 

[sandman]

Thank you. Good advice. I think you've put a lot of things in good perspective. I keep fearing that by not doing anything to repair the situation TODAY, I will be judged by God as unforgiving. Yet it seems pretty clear the situation will continue as is. I can either agree to be part of the abuse or not agree to.

I ask myself if there's any way to put an end to this situation in which my kids seem to think that because she 'has a tradition' that's more important than being with their mother. (And I have very good relationships with my sons and did with my daughter until she went to live with her father. So it's not that I'm an ogre they can't tolerate being around.)

In reading various versions of the Bible, I'm sometimes shocked at how very differently one is worded from another. The version I recently read uses the word ashamed. Others say coals on the head was a form of repentance and so it means they'll repent when you are kind to them.

Traditions can be great but nothing compares to the love of a mom … And no matter what, love will always win.


There is an orientalism regarding the coals on the head It had to do with the brazier which was used for cooking as well as warmth. If it should go out…. a family member would take it to the neighbor’s house to borrow fire (coals) to which the neighbor would heap coals of fire in the brazier which was carried upon the head …. To feed the enemy and give him drink was like heaping the empty brazier full of coals which signified food, warmth, and life itself to the person or home needing it.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Romans tells us to do good to those who hate us. It will heap coals on their heads and they'll be ashamed of how they've treated us. I effectively did this my whole life with my family. They did not feel ashamed or change their behavior. They concluded that I was quite okay with abuses and understood that I 'deserved it.'

Another part of the Bible tells us not to cast our pearls before swine and Mark says if people don't want to listen to shake the dust from our feet and leave them.

When and how do we decide which to apply?

In a way it's a moot point. I walked away from my family of origin 12 years ago when it became clear the alcoholic family dynamics were not going to change. But it really becomes a struggle every Christmas again as the sister who's behavior was so vicious and ugly that I quit going to family events, has retaliated by inviting my kids to her 'tradition' of Christmas Eve, midnight mass, and Christmas morning every year and my poor kids, young adults, don't really see the way she's using them as pawns. [By the way, I have tried offering this sister and others olive branches multiple times over the years despite not being the one who mistreated them, and they continually snub me anyway.] Anyway, it becomes an internal struggle repeatedly as I wonder was there anything I could have done differently? If I send her a Christmas gift, is she going to magically change? I believe in miracles--but she's had a dozen years to look at her behavior and hasn't.

The only thing I can think of is the example of Jesus, even when he was mistreated he still showed love, saying "Father forgive them for they don't know what they do". Every time you have to make a decision ask yourself is it loving. People may not change but show them kindness anyway, and do it with a genuine heart not to get something from it.

 

[Diamond72]

When and how do we decide which to apply?

Our family is in the church. Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters. If our DNA family does not treat us right, then Jesus tells us to walk away from them. Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple."

I get along fine with the people in my family that are or act like Christians. The backstabbers I stay away from. We die to our old ways and we are transformed into the person God wants us to be. His Grace does a work in us and in our lives to bring Him praise, honor, and glory. The people that really know the grace of God are the happiest, most content people. People with a negative attitude are usually miserable. So we just leave the to their misery if they do not want to repent and turn away from their worldly ways.

 

[Rescued One]

Romans tells us to do good to those who hate us. It will heap coals on their heads and they'll be ashamed of how they've treated us. I effectively did this my whole life with my family. They did not feel ashamed or change their behavior. They concluded that I was quite okay with abuses and understood that I 'deserved it.'

Another part of the Bible tells us not to cast our pearls before swine and Mark says if people don't want to listen to shake the dust from our feet and leave them.

When and how do we decide which to apply?

In a way it's a moot point. I walked away from my family of origin 12 years ago when it became clear the alcoholic family dynamics were not going to change. But it really becomes a struggle every Christmas again as the sister who's behavior was so vicious and ugly that I quit going to family events, has retaliated by inviting my kids to her 'tradition' of Christmas Eve, midnight mass, and Christmas morning every year and my poor kids, young adults, don't really see the way she's using them as pawns. [By the way, I have tried offering this sister and others olive branches multiple times over the years despite not being the one who mistreated them, and they continually snub me anyway.] Anyway, it becomes an internal struggle repeatedly as I wonder was there anything I could have done differently? If I send her a Christmas gift, is she going to magically change? I believe in miracles--but she's had a dozen years to look at her behavior and hasn't.

It seems like you watched a video of my life! Stop hoping and wishing for someone else to change. Don't beat yourself up for mistakes you made. A professional told me to get a restraining order. I knew that wouldn't work. I moved away --- far away. That didn't erase the influence my relative had already had on my kids and the criticisms that person had taught them. Your gifts won't change anyone. Live your life for God. He helps us endure everything even when He feels far away.

P. S. I prayed for God to bless my relative who later passed away.