healing

[MadFingerPainter]

it takes time after divorce to heal.
and some of the wounds remain with you.
sometimes to the point where it makes it very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone else. the fear and mistrust turn into something major after enough damage is done.
but like everything else in life...we must rely on God for strength and healing and move on. it's the only way. dwelling on all the things the other person "did" to you is not healthy. we have to let it go. keep going on our journey in life and in our walk with God.
i didn't get saved until after the fact but i'm not so sure my being saved would have helped salvage what was destroyed with someone who had no interest in pitching in. it's taken years for me to recover. and i'm still not quite ready. i will be again someday but despite it all...the fear will always linger. but sometimes you just gotta jump back in there and go for it. ~smiles~

 

[HoosierCanuck]

good points, madfingerpainter. I've been a divorced person for 12 years. I still can't seem to trust anyone. Everyone I've met since then has been pretty much the same level of loser and user and abuser. It's not like I seek out this type of man. It's all I attract. I try to live as a bitter, grouchy hag of a woman who doesn't need anyone to love her but my humanness gets the best of me sometimes and I get so frustrated I want to scream. Why can't I hate men completely? Why does everyone around me seem to find love? These questions pierce my heart and mind all too frequently for me to be comfortable with where I am and who I am. Some days I even want to hate God for creating me to be a person who needs other people but that same person isn't needed by anyone else. Why this curse?

 

[MadFingerPainter]

hon...i've been there. take your focus off the guys. just focus on God. He can fulfill the empty places and be a Father, a friend, a companion. He is the only man you truly need. the others are simply something you "want" not necessarily need. plus...if you hate men and the one for you comes along then you may end up chasing him off. ~lol~ be content in Christ. look to Him to be you're all in all. i've become so content with God's love and care that i haven't even been looking around me anymore to see who's out there. you don't wanna really be a grouchy gal do you? ~hehe~ i finally got over that stage. i finally decided that i want what God wants for me. if that includes a man (which in time i believe it will) then He'll send one my way. hang in there gal! ~hug~

 

[HoosierCanuck]

hon...i've been there. take your focus off the guys. just focus on God. He can fulfill the empty places and be a Father, a friend, a companion. He is the only man you truly need. the others are simply something you "want" not necessarily need. plus...if you hate men and the one for you comes along then you may end up chasing him off. ~lol~ be content in Christ. look to Him to be you're all in all. i've become so content with God's love and care that i haven't even been looking around me anymore to see who's out there. you don't wanna really be a grouchy gal do you? ~hehe~ i finally got over that stage. i finally decided that i want what God wants for me. if that includes a man (which in time i believe it will) then He'll send one my way. hang in there gal! ~hug~

Well, I can't say that I've really 'looked' in the last year or so. I've just met different people through different circumstances (not dated, just met) and have found myself, er, my mind wandering all over the map with...."ooh!! is this a possibility?? Please say yes, God!" Then of course the inevitable happens and I go through the stages of grief. It's like I'm at war with myself all the time. I tell myself and anyone else who will listen that I am not interested in dating, etc... but I think sometimes I not-so-secretly long for just that. I happen to have the misfortune of working for a company that mostly has people ages 22-30 working for them and I swear that nearly 90% of them have either gotten married, engaged, had kids or are currently expecting kids in the three years I've been there. My job requires extensive travel and I meet every one who works there. I hear this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and the knife just twists deeper each time. It's like Satan is in the room laughing loudly at me...."HAHA LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE OLD AND FAT AND UGLY. WALLOW IN YOUR MISERY YOU WRETCHED PIG!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I hear this day in and day out. I wish I could quit my job sometimes just to get away from it.

If that wasn't enough....both of my parents are divorced for a second time. Dad has been single about as long as me. Mum has been dating pretty much nonstop since her divorce. Dad has been going through some tough emotional stuff too with rejection and unfulfilled longings of some sort (not sure how deep). Both parents think I'm too young to just give up and live as a spinster. Just what I need....more pressure. I try to tell dad that our family is cursed and he needs to give it up too but he refuses to believe that.

I wish I could focus on God but I'm so inconsistent with my walk that I can't stay focused long enough to let Him guide me.

People wonder why I'm grouchy. grrrrr

Thanks for the words of encouragement though. I could use all the help I can get.

 

[MadFingerPainter]

i understand how you feel. i go through a lot of the same issues. some of the reasons i finally stopped dating. i just basically gave up. because i know that as long as i am the one looking and i am the one doing the choosing i will never have any luck finding the right one. i gave it to God to deal with. i can not possibly pick one for myself. He has to do it or it will never work. let me ask you this though...since you are single...what things do you have to be thankful for because you are single...what blessings do you have each day? and perhaps you're single because God is trying to help you to get to a place where you can stay focused without the distractions of a relationship. just a possibility. ~hugs~ have a great day!

 

[MadFingerPainter]

i've been poking around in here reading posts tonight. someone mentioned feeling as though they were going to their own funeral. i can sympathize. divorce in a way is similar to mourning a death because most of us never see the other person again. this wouldn't include people with kids at home because generally there's no avoiding that. but i understand the heart ache. at first i used to get angry at times when i needed him and he was no longer there. i recall one day when i had to shovel the car out. that was always something he did for me. i was angry because he wasn't there to do it anymore cuz he was too busy having an affair and ruining our marriage and i began cursing and tossing snow right and left. i felt angry like he had left me even though i had to leave. it was his house. i don't know if this is making any sense but anyway...the point is....at first it hurts so bad you really do wish for death. but it's survivable and thanks to God we can be forgiven and come out of it stronger than ever and our world can open up to new adventures. new journeys. new beginnings. i know in the bible it says we're not supposed to divorce and remarry but i also believe if you aren't christian before that and you become a christian after the fact that if God can forgive you and wipe your slate clean that means you have a new beginning in His eyes. so afterwords i made a promise to remain celebate until i remarry or until they lay me in the ground. whichever comes first. it has taken me 8 yrs. to finally feel as though i am healing and on the road to recovery and God has been with me every step of the way. hallelujah! ~big grin~

 

[MadFingerPainter]

it's been 8 yrs. since my divorce.
neither of us were saved let alone christians.
he cheated on me.
i stuck around and tried to get him to go to counseling and tried to resolve the issues but he was too hard hearted to bother with me. the damage done was deep and i am still trying to heal. i still deal with some of the issues to this day and i have a difficult time with trust now in any relationship. i made every effort i could because at the time i was unaware of the other woman. but the pain and emotional scars are still with me. i've overcome a few things in the past 8 yrs but there is a lot left that needs healing. if you're gonna marry...make sure it is someone God has chosen for you. then follow the scriptures and make every effort to preserve your lives together to the end. be thoughtful of the others needs and feelings. selfishness is a sad state. and i fully believe if you're gonna love...do it deeply and passionately. love with all that is within you. love the other person as you would yourself and God. respect each other. and be each others friends. and make sure that God is a part of your family. the devastation of divorce is a long and lonely road to journey down.

 

[MadFingerPainter]

I had someone ask me one day if my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me...
On one hand no. It was supposed to be forever. However...on the other hand...I have God now. If I had stayed I would've remained unsaved. So in an odd way...I could say yes. Someone asked me if I'd consider going back. ~Chuckle~ Given the type of man he was and his idea of marriage...no. But in my case...letting go of what was supposed to be and grabbing onto what was meant to be...was the best thing for me at the time. I had tried with what little I had to turn his life around and get him pointed in the right direction but his desire for worldly things wouldn't allow him to get closer to me or to Christ. It was God's will for me to be with Him. So...I am. And I am forver grateful for His mercy.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

It sounds like we've been down a similar road. It's been 12 years since mine. We started out as "Christians" (at least I'm certain I was already). He got hooked up with a VERY WORLDLY neighbour who led him down the path of alcohol and pornography (which is ironic since sex was pretty much nonexistent in our marriage). I honestly think the neighbour knew of the intimacy issues and was trying to 'help' but it backfired big time. Him leaving me was the best thing that could have happened in spite of the pain and confusion and humiliation it caused. I am also one who thinks love means you love with all you have....you enjoy giving, not just being on the receiving end....that's just a bonus. It was supposed to be forever. But looking back now, I was pressured into a situation I was never meant to be in. It's taken me this long to get to the point where I don't feel I have a right to question God anymore about it. It's taken me this long to see that it was that nasty little thing called 'freewill' that allowed me to even be in that situation. God had His red flags but I ignored them because I thought I better marry soon because of issues of lusting. What I realize now is that I need to get the 'lust' issue under control through God and hopefully with that HUGE MILESTONE he'll bring someone along that I can appreciate in all other dimensions and vice versa, someone that while I may be attracted to, I won't be distracted by impure thoughts. I'm currently on a different kind of journey into healing and I'm scared half out of my mind. I don't know what to expect and of course I have so many negative influences trying to derail me. I currently have wounds (so to speak) that are open and bleeding and I feel like Satan has been there daily to pour salt into them.....maybe it's not salt, maybe it's acid. Either way...it stings. A recent situation has me questioning nearly every thought process I have filed away in my memory, every defense mechanism I built up along the way and looking for the spiritual way to approach everything that I thought I was done even dealing with. I know this post may be a little vague. I'm not comfortable going into every detail. I'm also very confused at the moment.

 

[MadFingerPainter]

HC dear...
Give it to God. He wants every little thing in our lives. Stop fighting Him. He's the one person in all the universe who you can truly trust. Even when He says no...it's for your own good. Even if you can't see it. You have to remember He loves you. He doesn't want you to be hurt. Sometimes the things He says no to are for a reason that comes into play later on in our lives. Pray and follow your instincts. That will be the Holy Spirit guiding you. I think that's why we have them. ~Hugs~
It is scarey. Trusting someone you can't see or touch but the thing is we see Him in other people and other things. And we can feel His love. It will be ok. Don't fight Him...don't be afraid. He loves you...climb into His arms and tell Him what you feel and what you need.

 

[madison1101]

I can relate a lot. Both my husband and I were believers, and we tried to live the Christian life as a couple. I had serious emotional issues that stemmed from childhood sexual abuse and traumas. We brought three terrific kids into the world, and in spite of all our faults, they are okay. I wish my boys were walking with the Lord right now though.

When my husband left, I thought my world ended. It devastated me beyond words. I did feel like I had suffered the death of someone dear. For a solid year, I cried every night and clung to a verse a dear friend gave me, Jeremiah 29:11.

Five years later, my life is so much better than I could have imagined. I am so much closer to the Lord than I could have ever thought possible. I am emotionally healed from my emotional problems, and that would not have happened in my bad marriage. I went back to grad school and am in the middle of a career transition, and loving my new career more and more each day. I have inner peace, which did not exist five years ago.

Hope this makes sense. I did not want the divorce when it happened. I believe had we stayed together, it could have been something good if we both could have relied on God more. I just think that when my husband left, God looked at me and said, "Now you have nobody but me. Will you trust me with everything?" It took a little while, but I finally said, "Yes" to God.

Trish

 

[MadFingerPainter]

The thing is...we can't force our families to accept Christ and live for Him. And sometimes...even though I don't think people should have to get divorced...it like anything else in life happens...but...I sometimes believe that God accepts it if it makes the difference between eternal life or hell.
--
Luke 15
4. What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
5. And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
--
I do believe that our Father loves us enough to do what is best for us.
I think He even left mine a message through the bible on His infidelity at one point and he chose to ignore it. One day when he came home from work...there were 2 bible pages laying on our bed out of his bible. The bible hadn't been touched or dusted in several months. There were no signs that it had been disturbed. Yet 2 pages had been torn out and left in the middle of our bed. There were passages on them about a man committing adultery and having his wife taken from him. Shortly after that I left. I finally got to a place where I had to.
I'm now a much different person than I was back then. I'm content in Christ and I'm taking a medical billing course at home to try to make a career change before my body decides to give up on me. I never could have taken this course while I was with him. He was keeping me not only from God but from achieving anything in life.
I understand all too well. Thank you for sharing that Trish and God bless dear. ~Hugs~

 

[MadFingerPainter]

There will come a day when I will likely date again. Am I ready? No. Not just yet. I feel there are still things God has to work out inside of me. I'm not ready just yet to face all that again. I've been hurt so many times and lied to so much that I honestly have a difficult time trusting. I've had a man look me in the eyes, crying...tell me "I love you". Sounded like he meant it. Looked like he meant it. I thought it was true. I was wrong. The whole time there was someone else. From that point on I cringe every time I hear those 3 little words. To me they no longer have any meaning. They are just words now. Without some sort of physical action to back it up...they don't mean a thing to me anymore. I hear them...cringe & freeze up. It's as if they have become a red flag for me instead of being what they are supposed to be. Endearing...heart warming...they are nothing more than cold words to me now. It's very hard to try to figure that out in your head when your heart says it's ok but your brain is registering things from the past. A part of you is thinking OH GOODIE! and yet there's a little voice inside you going...OH MAN! NOT AGAIN!!
That's it in a nutshell. I have trust issues and I'm not healed yet. I keep myself at arms length from any man anymore. It just isn't comfortable for me yet.

 

[jstgrl]

I've been writing poetry. When angry, sad, upset etc. just put it on paper. I never knew I had it in me until now. I enjoy it a lot. It gives me peace.

 

[novi12]

Hc, healing and the rest first of all not all guys are the same......... check ur fingers is every finger the same no. And the guys who betrays their wife are those where santan hav taken control of them. We need to pray and forgive them. Santa is always ready to disrupt our marriage life. u can forget the wounds easily .......... Go for confession and get urself reconciled....... then surrender and forgive everyone those who have hurt u. Surrender urself to Lord and believe in him have faith in him and them see your life. God loves u'll and he does not wants his child to be sad. God wants to help u'll but u'll should trun towards God and forget everything.. forget the past. God dupms our sin in the depth of the sea and puts a board ni fishin.. means we should not remeber our sins. His Love is unconditional for us..

Here is soemthign I would like to share a true story
In a village in hong kong their was a faimly with only son. Father & mother were farmer and son who had just completed his studies wanted to do some creative. So he tells his father that he wants to experience new things and so wants to go to the city ( bangkok) as he though this farmer job was not for him. The father gives him permission. The son reaches the city adn after somedays finds new friends. This friends teases him n asked him if he wanted to make money............ So the journey starts as he gets a job of delivering pakets and gets money for it. He didn't know what was inside so getin curios he asked what was inside and they tells him drugs. one more step ahead as he enjoys this works and gets more money including the rest of the enjoyment along with it. After some days he was asked if he wanted more money and that he should kidnap small girls from the village and sell them here. He agrees and there another step ahead with more n more money forgetign his aprenst and all other things. As time went by the law caught him and he was jailed for three years. In jail he remeber what his father said that he will wait for him with his arams wide open. He thinks that his father must have got all the information. So he write to his da that he will be passing that side and if he loves me then just tie a handkerchief to the tree outside our house as when I pass that side if I see it I'll come home or else will go away. So on the day of his realease he seat in the train n goes home...... on the way home he does not has the heart to lok for the handkerchief thinking that his dad must be angry. Just when he reached near the tree with all his courage he looks at the tree and see that the whole tree is covered with white bedsheet and his fater waits for him with his armas wide open. Imagine if the earthly father waits with his arms wide open to welcome his his sons who did all thins wrongly in his life.......think how much more the heavely Father is waiting with his Arms wide open to welcome us. Our Father forgives our sins and put all our sins deep in the sea puts a board no fishing. This means confess ur sins and forget that u have ever sinned This much Love our heavenly father has for us. We are the Rock for him his perfect creation. Read 1corinthians 13: 4-10 repleace love for God as God is love. His love is steadfast for us.Read Isaiah 49: 15-16 parents will undertand this more. Believe in the Lord and 'll get whatever you ask God Loves u.

 

[MN John]

I don't know if the time will come when I will date again. I may not know until the day arrives, if it ever does. For now I know that I am not ready because I can only detachedly imagine that I may one day find someone. For the present, I just can't generate any enthusiasm towards the idea.