Well, I was saved about 2 months ago. I had gone through a period of about five years (since my divorce and subsequent mental collapse) of absolute hell. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, nervous twitches and random screams accompanied by flashes of PTSD like memories that I described as being "stabbed in the psyche." Tack on some nightmares, haunted dreams, homicidal/suicidal thoughts. I filled my heart with so much venom it hollowed me out inside. I locked myself away in my room for 5 years and nary came out because I thought I was a danger to myself and others. If I had owned a gun I would have become a statistic somewhere. Instead, I just buried myself in video games, netflix, weed, pornography--anything and everything I could do to distract myself from the burning pit that was my life. I buried my head in the sand while the devil stood behind me laughing while he burned it all to the ground. There was no way out. No end in sight. I was a staunch, lifelong atheist. I was a militant anti-theist. I blamed religion for all the evils of the world. Then, one day about two months ago I was at a low point. I got a glimpse of that devil behind me and I was terrified. I was just casually waiting to die for five years, because what was the point, then something happened and I was mortally terrified. I cried. Just two simple tears--the first I had cried since that night so long ago. It was then that I admitted some things to myself that I knew--but I didn't know. I couldn't save myself. There was no one around me that could save me, no one I could turn to. It was then I felt the hand of God upon me. And a not-so-literal voice that was telling me to go to church. When an atheist hears the voice of God he better listen. That week I walked my butt to the nearest church. The entire way thoughts coursed through my mind "You don't believe in this." "They will all know you are an impostor." "This isn't going to work." "They can't save you." Etc. My severe anxiety/agoraphobia coupled with all these thoughts assailed me every step of the way, nevertheless, I somehow found a strength to put one foot in front of the other. I walked into that church. I sat in the far back right corner. All those thoughts still assailed me from the moment I left the house, all the way up through the choir. However, the moment the pastor got up there they somehow vanished immediately. It was as if every jaw-dropping word coming out of his mouth was specifically tailed just for me. When he asked at the end of the service for those with a need to come to the altar, I was still to shy. He began to preach to those that did, and he words still cut right through me. I began to weep. Hard. I tried to be silent in the far back right corner, and I was. I could not help but fall to my knees as I wept. It was then I felt a hand on my shoulder, then another. Soon the entire congregation surrounded me. Two preachers began preaching over me. They lifted my hands up and got me to unburden myself and surrender to Jesus. I gave it all up. He took away every pain I had. I was converted that day. I was saved. I was given a new heart. I was literally transformed into a brand new human being. Gone was all my pain. All my anxiety. My fear. My hatred. All of it--in an instant. I have been back to that church three times a week every week since then. I was just baptized yesterday. My God is an awesome God.
