He wants me back!!

[mimi4him]

Separated july 2006 , Divorce final this past March . He left me for his so called true love , that lasted maybe 6 mths . Now after being with atleast 2 others and the last one just a few weeks ago , He says he realizes What a jerk and idiot he was and wants to start dating and hopefully get married again.
Alright Im saying no , no , no . I prayed for this before divorce was final and now it just makes me mad . Why????
Is it because he just broke up with someone a mere few weeks ago . I think he is just finally realizing what he lost.! And he is going thru the greiving process that I did right after the split.
Some say He is really repentent since he is crying and asking forgivness from me and the kids.
He racked up over 20,000 in new debt taking her to all the vacation spots we went and buying her jewlery and all new furniture for their place.
He cant pay all his new bills and the ones he agreed to pay that was ours , so he is filing bankruptsy.
So is he just overloaded and thinking coming back is a easy fix for debt . Or is he really sincere?
I told him he would have to go to counseling for his lusting and cheating issues and start going to church and serving God 100% . And no more bars or going out with his friends. He said ok , but I really dont believe him.
So guys I need your advice , thoughts and prayers. Right now I have no desire to be with him. Im finally happy with my life and myself.
thanks all
blessings
Carol

 

[Mobiosity]

What is God saying to you? Don't act out of pique, prayerfully consider God's will for you and your life. You made a covenant before God to be with this man, seek His will first.

You have set good stipulations for him to adhere to before you'll consider taking him back. Add another, that he get credit counseling and get that debt squared away before getting involved with him again. Dating him is a good way, I think, to keep track of how he is doing in following the steps you've laid out for him. God will give you guidance if you keep asking Him for it.

If there are kids involved, they need to be considered as well. They deserve a stable home, ideally with both parents in residence.

How long were you married? Make sure you both go to a good Christian marriage counselor before you re-do the "I dos".

God Bless you.

 

[DZoolander]

I wouldn't take him back.

He wants you back because "life didn't go the way he expected" - and the grass wasn't greener? Now that he's blown all of his money - and probably realized the other women didn't really want him anyway? Now that he's realized what a screwup he is, and how really undesirable he is, he's hoping to go back to "old faithful" - who he thinks will be there despite how badly he's acted?

Hey, it's your life. Do what you're comfortable with. I wouldn't take him back, however. Let him reap what he's sewn.

 

[hope4today]

I don't think you are under any obligation to take him back. He broke the covenant and divorced you. It is over.

That's not to say it can't be restored but only if you WANT it to. Be prayful about it and seek God's best for you and your children. That is not necessarily taking him back. That may be more detrimental than healthy.

If he wants you back he needs to win your heart all over again. You may never fall in love with him again. Give you heart to God and if he wants you together again ask him to change your heart so that you desire this man and fall in love again.

He is no longer your husband, he is a man who you may or may not be in love with and who you may or may not choose to date.

I am a firm believer in the covenant of marriage and hate divorce (my husband divorced me) but now that it is done, the marriage is dead, the covenant broken and I am free. Just as you are. Don't put yourself in bondage over any sort of false obligation.

Bless you sister as you prayerfully consider God's best

In Christ

 

[mimi4him]

I was married for almost 27yrs. We have 2 kids 26 & 23. We also have a 6 mth old granddaughter now.
He cheated on me on and off thru all the yrs and would always say he was sorry and ask me to forgive him. Which I did . I felt God would change him everytime. But I finally realized the last time I found out he was cheating on me that God can only help those who want to change.
He has for a long time had the thought that God will not forgive him because of messing up so many times, He once tried to kill himself. He was diognosed with a chemical embalance about 10 yrs ago . Stayed on meds for a yr thought he had the problem under control and never would go back on them . He never would go to counseling .
I know Im not obligated to take him back He broke the marriage covenant . God does not like divorce and grants it for 2 reasons , one which is adultry.
I prayed and asked God to take the love I had for him away when we were going thru the divorce and I can honestly say I don't love him now.
I know God can change my heart if that is his will , but I have to be willing and Im not now. I might be if I see the change in steve and i see he is sincere about serving God , but I also know we will have to go to counseling apart and togather and If he does this I will know that God is working for sure to get us back togather.( since he never would before)
Its just not a choice I need to make over night or a week it might take a months even yrs . In the mean time Im ok with that.
If God wants a man in my life Im sure he will put him there and if it is my ex or someone else I am willing to wait for the right time . Gods time that is.
Blessings Carol

 

[yourinnervoice]

Carol - Not much I can say, except that I will pray for you and that God give you the right direction.
This must be SO hard!

 

[DZoolander]

It's interesting how much "posturing" goes on in our lives.

Most likely - he's agreeing to go to counseling - because he believes that it's a required step to show repentance to you so that you'll take him back. I'd venture to say that if he truly believed that there was no chance of getting you back - ever - that he probably wouldn't go to counseling at all. Counseling would go right out the window - because he's not interested in healing - he's interested in the appearance of contrition.

You know how the bible says that God doesn't like people that make big spectacles of their faith/charity/etc - and how those types of gestures are meaningless? It's kinda the same thing. The question you have to ask yourself is - "Do I truly believe that he would continue going to counseling if reconciliation with me was not a possibility."

If the answer is yes - that you think he truly believes there is something wrong with him - and that he would be working to fix it even if you were out of the picture - then there's hope.

If you believe in your heart of hearts that the answer is "no" - then the counseling is meaningless. Like you said - God can only help those that want to be helped. If he's only going to counseling because it's a step to get you back - then clearly - he doesn't want to be helped. He just wants his safety net back.

It sounds like he's about as faithful as his options. He'll become "faithful" when he can't achieve an erection anymore...and even then...he's got the viagra option.

...Nice.

You - well - it's just a matter of time before you forgive him. After all - he's not right in the head....right? If only he'd stay on his medications...if only this...if only that.. All throughout the time he was insulting you and humiliating you and your marriage by telling you that he was running off to be with the "love of his life" - (not you - the woman he was married to for 27 years...but rather some woman that he couldn't keep for more than 6 months) - you didn't want the divorce. You probably still don't.

All of the talk about "We'll see what God wants" - is just keeping up appearances. After all - how desperate would it look if you just took him back? He's got to pay...he's got to pay that penitence for what he did...right? He's got some hoops to jump through before he gets to have you back...which is kind of a foregone conclusion anyhow.

It's just a matter of time before you start accepting his meaningless gestures of counseling...before you start thinking about the fact that you were married for 27 years...that you're nearly 50 years old...that you have two children...that he's got mental problems that effect how he thinks...that you don't want to be alone...that God hates divorce...that the divorce was just "man-made" (because "let no man put asunder" - etc etc)...that you were in fact still obligated under your marriage vows...etc...etc...

It's just a matter of time before all of those things factor in and you take him back anyhow...so why not just have the both of you cut out the posturing and just do what you both want anyhow...

...I could be wrong...but that's how I see people.

 

[mimi4him]

It's just a matter of time before all of those things factor in and you take him back anyhow...so why not just have the both of you cut out the posturing and just do what you both want anyhow...
WOW!!!
first off im not posturing Im very sincere when I say I want Gods will in not only this matter but every area of my life.
Im not going to take him back unless Im sure that God has indeed took and remolded him into his own image!!!
I have thought out all the what ifs and such. I also think he just might right now be realizing what he has done and that he is regretting it and is seeking not only my forgiveness but his grown kids and his family as well as God's .
This divorce effected all of us just not me .
Im somewhat wondering if you were cheated on before and still have anger and bitterness locked up within.
The bible says God forgives all sin and we are too also for if we dont God will not forgive us.
Just so you know that is not why I always forgave him , I did indeed love him and , and wanted my marriage to work. Now this time I am choosing to forgive him for my own peace of mind and salvation. I only am hurting myself when I hold unforgiveness in my heart for anyone.
I feel I should also say that we are not to judge others only God is to do that . God alone knows the heart of man and . And God does look at our hearts when we go to him in repentence.
Blessings
Carol



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[DZoolander]

It's just a matter of time before all of those things factor in and you take him back anyhow...so why not just have the both of you cut out the posturing and just do what you both want anyhow...

WOW!!!
first off im not posturing Im very sincere when I say I want Gods will in not only this matter but every area of my life.
Im not going to take him back unless Im sure that God has indeed took and remolded him into his own image!!!
I have thought out all the what ifs and such. I also think he just might right now be realizing what he has done and that he is regretting it and is seeking not only my forgiveness but his grown kids and his family as well as God's .
This divorce effected all of us just not me .
Im somewhat wondering if you were cheated on before and still have anger and bitterness locked up within.
The bible says God forgives all sin and we are too also for if we dont God will not forgive us.
Just so you know that is not why I always forgave him , I did indeed love him and , and wanted my marriage to work. Now this time I am choosing to forgive him for my own peace of mind and salvation. I only am hurting myself when I hold unforgiveness in my heart for anyone.
I feel I should also say that we are not to judge others only God is to do that . God alone knows the heart of man and . And God does look at our hearts when we go to him in repentence.
Blessings
Carol



</IMG>

Nah - but ya know - it really isn't an issue of bitterness - and I've never been cheated on to the best of my knowledge. I know it might come off that way...because I'm so strong in my view.

My point of view comes from just watching people.

I know so many people that talk about "How I'm not taking them back" - but then they spend the next few years thinking about that person - maybe (at best) date a person or two in between half-heartedly - and then end up with that same person again. I can't help but think that they never really gave "singledom" a shot (meaning - stopping thinking about the person that did them wrong - and giving sincere real tries at making other relationships work) is a sign that they were just biding the time until they felt enough had passed for them to take the person back and "save face".

That's not unique whatsoever. As a matter of fact - I'd say more often than not - that's the rule than the exception for people that "rekindle" their relationships.

I don't mean to sound callous - but people are just like that. They're predictable.

For example - I know a girl that was with a mentally abusive b/f. She unfortunately had a kid with him. She's not "with him" right now - but ya know - if you look at how things are going - she's going to end up with him again...and again...and again...until things get so bad that she is forced to eventually leave.

She talks about how she's not going back - but she's not dating anyone else. She's not looking at anyone else. The guy is the father of her child. She thinks about him constantly. He makes "efforts" to show her that he's changed (which last for maybe a month or two at best before he's back to his old shenanigans)... The fact that she's not open to new people, combined with the fact that he's the child's father, combined with the fact that he's constantly making half-hearted attempts to fool her that he's actually making changes, assures that she's going to give him the benefit of the doubt again and again and again.

I know so many people like that, and ya know, that's how your post sounded to me.

I could be wrong - and maybe I am - but from the gist of what you posted - it doesn't sound like you're going to throw away the fact that you had 27 years of marriage... You aren't going to discount the fact he's the father of your two kids... You're going to believe that he's making a real effort to change... He's going to try to convince you of those things... You're going to think the signs are testament from God... etc etc... You're probably not going to be dating in the meantime... and most importantly...you're probably "hoping" that he does get it together.

Hope means "want".

So - if I had to lay odds in Vegas, I'd say pretty much overwhelmingly that you're gonna take him back. lol

 

[DZoolander]

...and with respect to God being the one that judges...I agree to an extent. However, I think that we are all entitled to judge within the context of our own relationships. We are entitled to judge whether or not this is something we want to continue.

It's entirely possible for someone to do so much damage within a relationship that you can say "I never want a thing to do with you again. I hope you get your stuff together...and if you do...I'll wave 'hello' to you in Heaven. Until then, however, you are never to darken my doorstep again" - and feel good about saying that.

 

[mimi4him]

EZoolander vbmenu_register("postmenu_37547620", true); You amaze me with your insight.LOL.

There will be no taking him back . Unless that is Gods plan , And right now I dont see that as his plan. Also as far as getting out and meeting others I am . I have a very nice support group of friends from church that are divorced by the way , We do things togather atleast once a month and some of us more often. Plus my neighbors are the best also to hang out with. Matter of fact Im having dinner with one neighbor and they are going to introduce me to a nice man that has been widowed for a few yrs.
So who knows this might be Gods plan also if not I will have met a new friend . I am ok by myself I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Even if I have 2 kids with this man and 27yrs of marriage it does not tie me too him !!! If it did I would still be married to him and letting him do his own thing. and the kids are grown so I dont need him to make us a complete family.
By the way how long have you been divorced or separated ? what is your story ? why are you posting on this site ?
blessings
Carol

 

[DZoolander]

"Even if I have 2 kids with this man and 27yrs of marriage it does not tie me too him !!! If it did I would still be married to him and letting him do his own thing.

...

but didn't you say...

ow after being with atleast 2 others and the last one just a few weeks ago , He says he realizes What a jerk and idiot he was and wants to start dating and hopefully get married again.
Alright Im saying no , no , no . I prayed for this before divorce was final and now it just makes me mad . Why????

---

The reason you're divorced is because he divorced you - against your wishes. Had he not been the one to divorce - you probably would still be married, with him doing his own thing. Furthermore, you were praying for this up until 4-5 months ago.

I could be wrong

Hey - as I said - I just say this stuff because I think people are predictable in this respect. I could be wrong. We'll see where you are in two years, and then in five (after his "need" for repentance has waned). Maybe I'm completely off base... lol I hope so!

---

As for my story - ummm - I'm 37 years old. How do I encapsulate 37 years into a few short paragraphs?

I'm married to a wonderful woman. When I was in my mid 20's I was married briefly to a woman I had been dating for about 6 years. I filed for divorce after about a year of marriage. Then I was single for about 8 years before getting remarried. Basically we were just kids that dated for too long and mistook that as a sign that we ought to be married. I was too young to understand that being a decent "dating couple" was not the makings for successful spouses.

Not really sure what else to say.

As for why I post here - mostly I post in the marriage forum about happy-go-lucky married life stuff - but I stumbled in here and this post caught my eye. lol

 

[mimi4him]

I filed for divorce not him. I even payed for the divorce with no help from him, He did not even show up in court on the day the divorce was final.
Yes I was praying for my marriage up to 5 mths ago because I know a BIG GOD that can change people and heal the hurt . And a God that hates divorce.
Im happy for you and that you have a great sence of humor about divorce and remarriage .
blessings carol

 

[DZoolander]

God doesn't take away free will - so in that sense - he doesn't "change people and heal the hurt". Your ex-husband was being a jerk - because he wanted to be a jerk. He was choosing to - out of his own free will. God ain't gonna step in on that.

As for God hating divorce - I see that kind of like how I feel about the death penalty. I hate the idea that someone is to be executed - but no way in a million years would I do away with the death penalty. As much as I detest the execution - I understand it and agree with it. I cannot believe that God is sitting up in heaven looking down at someone who is being willfully mistreated by their spouse - and shaking a finger at them for saying "that's enough...I'm done".

I don't think God's that simple minded. I cannot believe God is so simplistic in His ideas that He cannot understand, and take into account, circumstance. The whole "God hates divorce" thing - and how it's simplified - has always irked me. It's like there's this contingent of people out there that think God's going to give you a cookie in the end if you managed to stick with an ogre of a mate - all because once upon a time you took that oath without understanding what you were really getting into.

 

[hope4today]

Mimi,

It sounds like you have worked through your stuff a lot. I agree with everything you have said.

It is clear you are open to the will of God in your life and are not being blind to any form of false repentance. One thing Ezoolander said that I think was worth considering, if your ex ever does consider counselling in the future, it would be interesting to see if he would still go if you said you weren't interested in a relationship. If he doesn't then he really isn't interesting in true change and repentance unless it wsa going to help to get you back. But as you said, so far he hasn't indicated he would even get counselling.

I pray for continued wisdom and peace for you as you deal with what will most likely be emotional pressure from your ex to 'give him another chance'.

Bless you sister


Ezoolander, imo your posts some across to me as condescending, dismissal and judgemental of a situation you know very little about.
They also sound like someone who is very simplistically dismissal of the complexity of feelings in a divorce after such a long marriage. Yes, there are conflicting feelings and thoughts. This is normal and not a sign of weakness or someone just posturing. It is part of the normal process of grief and separation.

And if you were referring to my comment that "God hates divorce" then you have misread my intent. He hates it because of the pain and suffering it causes and because it does not represent his character as marriage should. But that does not mean people should stay in every marriage and I never meant to imply that.

Please consider that many divorced people are hurting very deeply and don't need to be hit with what can often feel like judgemental crowbars.

Hope

 

[DZoolander]

Ezoolander, imo your posts some across to me as condescending, dismissal and judgemental of a situation you know very little about.
They also sound like someone who is very simplistically dismissal of the complexity of feelings in a divorce after such a long marriage. Yes, there are conflicting feelings and thoughts. This is normal and not a sign of weakness or someone just posturing. It is part of the normal process of grief and separation.

You're right - it is simplistic - and intentionally so.

I do boil it down to "You say you've been so hurt that you're never taking them back - but yet you do." There are millions of reasons out there that people go back on their word...whether it be due to 27 years of marriage...whether it be because of children...whether it be because of some misplaced hope that things are going to change...whether it be because they're afraid of being alone...whether it be because they believe that God expects them to "give it another shot"...whether it be because it's financially easier...etc...etc...who knows... The possibilities are endless as to why someone would go back on their word that they were "ending it".

...and most likely...they were probably right that they should.

So, to me, hearing people talk about how they're "done" - after being humiliated by the person - followed by proud exclamations that "He wants me back!!" kind of reminds me of that line from Macbeth...

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

So, yes, I do make it simplistic. Despite how much you know the person is wrong, despite how right you are in your convictions, despite how much you huffed and hawed about "this being enough", in the end, that pretty much amounted to nothing. It *does* come off to me like posturing in that case.

For example - I had an uncle who married and divorced the same woman something like 7 times. Every couple of years, he'd go off to work, come home, and find that she'd cleaned the place out. She'd take all his stuff and pawn it - running away to do God knows what. He'd huff and haw about being "done with it", file for the divorce, etc.

Like clockwork, she'd show up 2-3 years later, be contrite, and within a few months they'd be married again.

I dunno. Were his unique reasons for why he went back on his word somehow different than the millions of other people that do the same thing? In my humble opinion, no. They pretty much all boil down to "people just venting and posturing to save face, with no real intention of being 'through' despite what they say". At some point, you want to look at my uncle as he's talking about "this being the final straw, I'm a new man" - and just kind of nod your head at him - while hoping he doesn't buy anything 'nice' for the home before she comes back next time.

All of their words are pretty much "full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing." Is it simplistic to ignore the millions of unique reasons why that may be the case? In my mind, no. When there are as many reasons are there are grains of sand on a beach - but the behavior is the same - at some point you just start lumping all of the "reasons" together and focus in on the behavior itself. You begin focusing in on the fact that "you were right to say you were done with it...so why aren't you?"

I can't help but think that the most successful divorces - and the happiest people - are the ones that decide "no matter what happens - no matter how I feel in the future - I will *never* reconcile with you. It does not matter how I feel then...it does not matter what you say...it does not matter what you do...it doesn't matter how lonely I am...it doesn't matter how hard it becomes... The truth is - it was harder with you - and I won't forget how you made me feel now. As God is my witness, you will never darken my doorstep again."

Please consider that many divorced people are hurting very deeply and don't need to be hit with what can often feel like judgemental crowbars.

It's because of the fact they are hurting very much that I'm saying this. I'd rather not see them get "hit" again. Whatever I'm saying, and it's effect, is probably insignificant to what their partner will almost certainly do to them again.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Wow eZoolander you jump in with both feet don't ya.
Valid points all around. I don't agree wholeheartedly but admit I can
I can understand what eZ is getting at.
I think there is a point when enough is enough and even though we
may be "open" to what God can do we would be foolish to hold out any hope when the example has repeatedly been to the contrary.
First and foremost God loves us. I don't for one minute believe
God would mock us by teasing us with someones "repentance".
It's the flesh and the ego that we allow to control things many times and we do blame, praise etc. God depending on the circumstances.
Something "good" happens.... then it must be God but what if something bad happens? Is that automatically not God? Maybe He allows bad so we can truly see good. Sometimes we can't tell the difference. Maybe in the op's life God was tired of being mocked by the filandering husband and wanted his child to know His blessing in spite of her sacrifice. Maybe divorce wasn't just a "way out" but a source of receiving the grace God wanted for her in the first place.
We mostly "posture" that we have the "right" to divorce for various reasons ( I keep noticing additional reasons being added by Christians btw) but do we truly seek God's will or do we constantly look for loopholes to allow us to satisfy our own desires?
If the op wants to give the ex yet another try or whatever for whatever reasons that's her decision. I personally believe that's
wasted thinking and that Gods got better things in store even if that's a life of singleness and devotion to Him.

 

[mimi4him]

[QUOTE][/QUOTE]So, to me, hearing people talk about how they're "done" - after being humiliated by the person - followed by proud exclamations that "He wants me back!!"

First let me say i did not say with proud exclamations " He wants me back "

Believe me It made me mad that he would have the nerve to even think I would take him back!!!!

As hope4today said its still emotional at times to think that a marriage of 27yrs is over. I invested a lot of time
and prayer in the marriage.
Im not even considering taking him back . I of course will continue to pray for him for the fact he is my kids Dad and is a grandfather now. My kids although grown would like to have a relationship with their Dad. So I would of course want a healthy relationship between them and yes me , afterall we have kids and a granddaughter togather . Im sure our paths will cross some in the future and I would rather it be pleasant than unpleaseant for my kids sake .

I also feel unless you have been where others have been you need to step back and look at the whole picture or let it alone!!! Or hopefully pray for God's guidance and wisdom and peace for the ones involved.
Blessings
Carol

 

[hope4today]

Ezoolander, imo that last post was no less judgemental than the others. mimi is NOT your uncle .. and to say

So, to me, hearing people talk about how they're "done" - after being humiliated by the person - followed by proud exclamations that "He wants me back!!"

is downright rude. It is clear you are implying that is what you thought of mimi's post as it is your justification for your posts so far. Who are you to judge her as proud? There is nothing to indicate that at all.

Your theories may have some validity in a general discussion of what happens in some or even many marriages and divorce BUT not to judge and label an individual you know almost nothing about.

Please, stop badgering this women with your condescension, judgement and insensitivity. If you want her to consider these things for her own well being, then offer them in a spirit of humility and kindness, not judgement.


Hope

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

When he sorts his [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] out, reconsider. Till then, continue to get on without him.