He just lies!! Please read

[momluvsjesus]

I believe in my heart that my husband has a problem with lying. I've known him for 14 years (been married 3) and he definitely lies. It has finally destroyed my trust in him to the point where I don't know if it can be repaired. He wont' admit that he's lying!! It is horrible living and loving someone who lies and doesn't even admit it. THere have been numerous "suspicious" and "unbelievable" sounding stories that have been told to me over the years. I know I shouldn't have married my husband because I knew he was like this long before we said I Do. I wasn't Saved when I married him or I dont think it would've happened. But I'm in it now. And we have a 17m/o child together. I take my marriage vows very seriously and don't want to get divorced. I really don't see any other option though.
Just recently I found an email account that was in my husband's name and it was filled with letters from a woman at his former job and from him back to her. There was an obscene photo of this girl in that email too. When I confronted him he said that he had set up that account for someone else because "his friend" wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with out her finding out. So if "his friend's" girlfriend ever found the emails, it would look like it was coming from my husband and not him. HOW SICK IS THAT? He has even brought God into this situation, saying that God wants us to move forward and to let that whole email issue go. Well, I tried to let it go but I don't beieve he was telling me the truth. I've prayed and prayed and I'll tell you what I feel God is saying after I get a response to this....and yes, my husband is saved, prays with me, goes to church with me, tithes...the whole nine.

 

[rwl]

Obviously there are issues there. Go to counseling to find what the real problems are.

That line about setting up the e-mail account for his friend is way out in left field.

 

[isaiah5213]

your husband has a sickness. one of the symptoms of the sickness is lying. i only think that, because i have a sickness, too. mine is recovering alcoholic. your husband's may be pornography. i hate my sickness. i, too, lie about stupid stuff. i manipulate and twist my husband's words to me, to get the answer "yes" in my head. i HATE the word no. i hate for people to be disappointed in me. i hate for people not to trust me. so my first impulse is to lie.

is it right? no. does it justify? no. the consequence of being an addict, recovering or not, is the fact that i don't believe i can ever be trusted.. and when i can be trusted, the line is very very thin. i get angry. i despair. i hate my husband sometimes. i hate me all the time. the hardest hardest hardest thing for me to do, is to not lie about anything, no matter what it takes. people tease me, and tell me i am suicidally honest. but not my husband. he looks at me and he still sees my lies. he still sees betrayal. he still sees his hurt and anger. he doesn't understand it as a sickness. he just sees that if i truly wanted to stop these patterns and consequences, i would.
oh, i have stopped the drinking. i have been sober for 10 years, w/3 relapses. but symptoms of an alcoholic? the lying, the stealing, the going to church and presenting a great outward appearance, of walking talking acting, and all the while my husband and children know the real me? know and taste the bitterness? know my hypocrisy? well, that is what needs the prayer..

i surround myself w/people who believe in me, because i don't. i say i can't. they insist i can. i surround myself w/people who believe in my husband.

i know that your husband has to come to the point where he bottoms out.. that is, he looks around, and cares how much he is hurting you and your baby. he has to get his own conviction, and understand, that his sin-even tho it may be a sickness, it is still a sin-does not just affect him. it affects you. it affects his friends. his children. his job. his life w/God. his everything. and he has to care about that. he has to understand that his selfishness leaves a destructive path. until he understands that, there is no amount of counseling, there is no amount of lecturing, there is no amount of anything you can do, but pray pray pray pray.

and pray that you not be bitter. pray that you not hate him. pray that you not despise him.. i will pray for the both of you.... i will pray that you love him, and gain wisdom and knowledge, strength and courage, to do what God needs for you to do, to help you and your baby.

i am sorry this is happening w/you. i grieve and mourn with and for you. it has to hurt, seeing those pictures of another woman on the pc. it has to make you feel betrayed, and sickened, and in despair--especially because of how new your marriage is. but don't let satan tell you that. this has nothing to do w/you.. your husband is sick.

and this kind of sick, you can only pray, and beg all righteous and unrighteous, to pray for you and your husband to get well, and that his sickness stop being contagious to you, and manifesting itself into bitterness and rage....

 

[lovinjesus44]

Oh my goodness, I feel like I have posted this under another persons name. I am struggling with the exact same situation. It's so similar, it's a little scary. I knew my husband lied before we got married and I did it anyway. Now I have to live with it and work extra hard to keep it together. Even the email story, he had one almost identical except no pictures and this was during the engagement period. He lies about silly little things like how much we spent on things in the house, like he as to brag to people or show them up. I don't understand. He'll lie to someone right in front of me and I'll ask him after they are gone, why did you say that, that isn't true..and he'll either say yes it is and argue his point or he will say I know but it just sounded better.

To isaiah, thank you for showing us a little snippet of what the other side is going through. I wish my husband could get to where you are and we could beat this together!

Love and prayers for you both.

 

[princessmer81]

Do other people in your husband's family lie too?
The reason why I ask is because my husband lies too - but not as bad as his parents and his older brother. My MIL lies all of the time - huge lies. She said that my FIL couldn't come to our wedding becuase he had a massive heart attack (they live really far away from us so we couldn't really check up on the story). We proceeded to tell all of our friends and my family about the heart attack. We were really scared and we prayed about it alot. Then when my MIL got here she said that he actually had really bad back pain that the doctor thought was a heart attack. Yeah right! Like a doctor would think that back pain was a massive heart attack.
Anyway, I think that my husband and his brothers just learned that lying was an acceptable way to get out of uncomfortable situations or to get what they want.

 

[princessmer81]

Sorry - just 2 more things.

The e-mail story sounds like a big lie. If I were in your shoes I would think that he was cheating on me. That's just how I would feel - I am sure that you know if that's something you should suspect or not.

Also, since the whole thing with Mark and Lori Hacking I have been very worried about husbands who lie to their wives. I think that Lori finally caught Mark in his lies and he was so worried that she would expose them that he killed her - scary!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

If you knew the guy was like this in the first place did you think it would magically disappear when you got married? I guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Lying is expensive, or it should be. It should be destructive. If he can lie to get what he wants then he'll probably keep doing it. It appears he is engaging in an adulterous internet relationship among other things.
Lying should cause him to lose and destroy things that are important to him. When he sees that then maybe he will rethink his behavior.
I had a girlfriend who lied about...good grief, stuff that didn't even matter. It was unreal.
Lying is something I'm not very sympathetic to.

 

[isaiah5213]

my post was not meant to excuse anyone's behavior. i don't think i was. moml, you love your husband. you married to him. you committed to him, you had every right to expect commitment from him.

just pray and fast for your husband. pray that at all times, God keep revealing the truth in your household. you may have to give him some tough love.

just pray for wisdom & knowledge, also. (i make it easier said than done, sorry.)

don't let others look down on you, & don't worry about what others will think when you do whatever it takes to save your marriage, and to be righteous before God.

you are in my prayers. God bless you:

 

[Cright]

Another thought that popped out at me not mentioned yet...

what in the world would a Christian have to be thinking to set up an email account for a friend to cheat on their S/O? That is NOT Christian behavior.. or even a "good" lie.. not that they really exist...


eek! I can't write more, I'm steemed... can't imagine being in your shoes!!


Carina

 

[mghalpern]

The first place I would go is to your pastor. If he can't/won't help, I would seek professional Christian counseling from a licensed/certified counselor. Thought the lying is disgraceful and damaging, it is nothing compared to the possibility of an affair. My wife excused "little white lies" saying, everyone says them. Thankfully, not everyone tells little white lies, but she does. I didn't like it, but I was less concerned about it then I would be if she had been having an affair...Michael

 

[FranklinNoble]

Agreed with the above... get counseling, ASAP. Your husband appears to be a liar and an adulterer, and your marriage is in crisis.

I will pray for both of you.

 

[Freckles1234]

Momluvsjesus, Lovinjesus44, Princessmer81 my husband is also a non-practicing alcoholic and it has taken a lot of patience and a lot of prayer to bring him to the point where he is today. I do not catch him in lies anymore so there is hope but I do agree that maybe you should go for counseling with a Christian counselor and someone that understands what addictions and their diseases are all about, not someone with textbook knowledge but someone with head and been there knowledge.

Isaiah5213, keep on hanging in there and start listening to others and what they are telling you and saying about you. Usually I can tell a person that has addiction problems and I never would have guessed it with you. To me you have come across as a very caring, compassionate person and one who knows the ropes and has her life in order. You are not giving yourself enough credit for who you are. That was not an admonishment at all that is what I have seen of you since my coming to this site. You are one of the people that I saw on here, that right off the bat I wanted to get to know better. You have a lot more behind you then you are giving yourself credit for. Hang in there you are doing alright and I know from watching my husband that it can only get better for you the longer that you are sober and sane.

As for all of you, the lies will get less and less the more that you pray, what worked for me and I don't know if it will work for you, was not waiting until after the fact to point out the lie but to do it right on the spot, no matter who is around. It is very embarrassing at first, for yourself and for the others but it is only saying what others already know. As you can see from Isaiah's posting she is already at the point where she is trying to quit and I think next to the addiction itself this is the next hardest part to get over.

As for getting married to someone like that, usually you look at life at that point with rose coloured glasses on and you know that after you are married the person will change - that doesn't happen but through God it can and will. I will be praying for all of you. God bless and keep you all in His Loving arms. Your sister in Christ.

 

[isaiah5213]

thank you freckles:

guys, when i was a drunk, God took everything, absolutely everything away from me. i was so deep in hatred, bitterness, rage, sin sin sin, that i literally had nothing. i tried to fight and work to gain it back, but psalm 127 kept coming in there.. i worked in vain. i got nothing back. i became a Christian, and psalms 126 was very real to me. i got back more so much more than i deserved. my old friends didn't and wouldn't and couldn't recognize me today. God really did change me. that is why i really believe, that God will change your husband & your's marriage, momluvsjesus & princess.
freckles: it is so awesome that you hung in there w/your husband. i know you have to gave gotten exhausted and in despair sometimes. addictions are sins and sicknesses that are contagious. everyone gets sick. if it's not the greed & debauchery of what is craved, it is the bitterness, the lack of faith, the destruction of hope, the malice, the dissension, the deceitfulness and lying--the everything that is ugly or deformed about it all.
there comes such a freedom, and relief, when we repent from sin guys! there is such a fresh taste on our tongues!! there is such a peace and a joy! one night i fought all night w/God, in prayer & fasting, and when the moment came i was exuberant!! i was ready to whoop & cry for joy, when i mastered that temptation!!! i felt like that was one mountain i was standing so tall & proud and excited on! & i didn't get up there by walking! God carried me up there! but i was there!

God promises: w/prayers, and faith, and belief in our spouses, we really will have those days guys and gals!! & i really believe him! he changed me, he stil does!

 

[Lorie]

Firts of all the husband is totaly lying about the e-mail account.... it is his and dont think is is not.....

 

[Cheeky^23]

How did you come into finding the email account? Did you look for it, or accidentally come into contact with it?

If you were looking for it, you probably already know that he is cheating. Secondly, if you just came accross it, do you think maybe god wanted you to see it?

Just a thought.

 

[lovinjesus44]

As for all of you, the lies will get less and less the more that you pray, what worked for me and I don't know if it will work for you, was not waiting until after the fact to point out the lie but to do it right on the spot, no matter who is around. It is very embarrassing at first, for yourself and for the others but it is only saying what others already know.

Awesome post Freckles, thank you!! I will have to try that next time I catch him in a little lie. I'm afraid he will get upset over the embarrassment, but I think it will definitely work! He needs to learn that the truth is always the best option no matter how hard it is to say/hear.

 

[Freckles1234]

Yes, he probably will get upset over it and I just had to keep telling my husband that as long as he was going to lie in front of me and others that I would be telling the truth, that they already knew that he was lying. It took awhile and he got very annoyed, upset or whatever several times but now there are no more lies trying to build himself up. I'll be praying for you.