He is analytical about everything.

[pleoavce]

How would I handle a guy who is analytical with everything? Like everything is about thinking?

There is a guy thats pursuing me and I don't now how to go about it. He has all the qualities, but the only quality he is missing seems to be emotions.He hasn't been in a relationship for 9 years before me. And it seems like he simply does not know how to cater to the emotional needs of a woman. He treats our relationship like a business plan. He does everything that he's supposed to do in but is very ritualistic about it?(If this makes sense.) He is a hard working person with a college degree, but he has brought this analytical, methodical thinking into our relationship. We went over 24 videos on how to be a Godly couple and he created a whole powerpoint on how we can solve conflict when it arises in our relationship. Although I don't think this is wrong. I am discerning something isn't right, but I don't know how to go about it. Most of the opinions he has is whats been read in books. Am I overreacting? We are in a LDR so I think it could be a factor. I want it to work, but what if we do everything right and I'm still unhappy. He believes that I should be focused on not the emotions of our relationship but on the good parts. And that catering to my emotions is not the most important part, but leading me is. How should I go about this?

 

[The Nihilist]

Problems like this are why your mom told you to not get married yet

 

[pleoavce]

I think you may be right !

 

[K9_Trainer]

He should not be so focused on "leading" you...That's not what a relationship is about, even if you do believe that men should be the "head" or "leader" of a woman in a marriage (and this isn't even a marriage!). It's especially concerning that he's trying to "lead" you by giving you lectures as though you are a child in school, while also ignoring your needs and emotions.

Breaking up after a 9 year long relationship is not easy, and he may have some insecurities that are causing him to treat you this way. That might explain why he's obsessively looked up and is sharing with you information on how to communicate and solve problems together. I don't know him, so I'm only speculating, but those behaviors are rather odd and I can see a potential connection between them and his previous long term relationship. He may be trying to ensure that the problems he had with his ex don't happen with you. It's understandable, but still not ok.

This seems like a red flag to me, and it's really good that you've caught it and recognize that it's not healthy and not the way to treat you; you are not over reacting. Whether you end it or try to fix it is really up to you. This may be a bigger issue than you are willing to take on. I know you said that you didn't feel a connection. If that's the case you may need to decide if taking action to fix the relationship is worth it. His behavior is one thing, but if you don't really like him or haven't been happy with the relationship outside his lecturing and treating the relationship like a robot or computer, it may not be worth trying to fix. Does he ever have moments where you'd consider him being human? Has he shown that emotional side on occasion?

If you do want to try and salvage it, you need to be serious and firm in your stance that this behavior IS a problem and is NOT acceptable to you. Be assertive and don't allow him to try and justify it as "leading you".

 

[LinkH]

Is he kind of matter-of-fact just about marriage, or is he emotionless kind of like Spoc or Commander Data on Star Trek-- okay, you may be too young for those analogies. Does he joke, show emotion, etc. when talking about other topics. Is he awkward? Does he show empathy and compassion? Can he show evidence of being able to read your body language if you don't like something?

I think it's great if a man has a real plan for how to have a godly marriage. I'm not against being analytical. A couple of friends of my wife and I ended up getting married. They were both in a student ministry, and they had dinner with us when they came to the area we live in (near the beach) during their Honeymoon. We were surprised they ended up together. I asked them, and the man told us this very logical thought out process for how he decided to marry his wife. A lot of it was about how their ministries match up and things like that. There was nothing of feelings, love, passion. Both of them had parents from other cultures, India and Taiwan, though he had spent many, many years in the US. It seemed to work for them, though. My wife and I talked about that later. Of course, he could have had all those kinds of feelings, but just not been comfortable talking with us about them.

 

[The Nihilist]

Every so often we have someone come into this forum asking if they're too young to get married at 17-22, and every single time, some idiots tell them to go ahead and get married and that it's god's will or whatever. I need to bookmark this thread and bring it up when I tell those people to shut up and stop trying to get these kids to ruin their lives.


No offense, ploeavce, 21 is a confusing time. Everyone makes mistakes at that age. We just shouldn't be encouraged to embrace those mistakes for the rest of our lives.

 

[LinkH]

Nihilist,

I haven't seen anyone advise getting married in this thread. Not that I'm against getting married at 21. There are advantages to getting married young and advantages to waiting a while.

 

[pleoavce]

I decided to wait ultimately. I don't see the need of rushing. Me and Him worked out our differences, as there will be some. Sometimes I think people rush to get married on emotion, and I don't think that is wise. Love is a decision so yes, @Nihilist I agree to some extent. My fiancee has no problem waiting for me to finish school and we are trusting God to guide our every step.

Thanks for the all the answers, ultimately, it was me lacking understanding. And I was really convicted about how I confronted this behavior. It really made him sad because He really is trying. Thanks for all your advice, May God Bless you.

 

[The Nihilist]

I decided to wait ultimately. I don't see the need of rushing. Me and Him worked out our differences, as there will be some. Sometimes I think people rush to get married on emotion, and I don't think that is wise. Love is a decision so yes, @Nihilist I agree to some extent. My fiancee has no problem waiting for me to finish school and we are trusting God to guide our every step.

Thanks for the all the answers, ultimately, it was me lacking understanding. And I was really convicted about how I confronted this behavior. It really made him sad because He really is trying. Thanks for all your advice, May God Bless you.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders

 

[Cjwinnit]

He's a guy

 

[K9_Trainer]

He's a guy

So?

Not all guys are the same lol. I think you only do your fellow men a disservice by perpetuating stereotypes. If the OP needs a man who can be more attentive to her feelings and more sensitive, she can very well find one and he's not going to be less of a guy because of it.