He doesn't want to have a "long engagement"??

[seeing_glory]

I decided to post in the married forum because I wanted some advice from people who have been in my life stage and experienced the process.

So, I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He's 26, I'm 22. We're both still studying in college and have about 2 years left to go. While we can't get married anytime very soon, I'd prefer to get engaged sooner rather than later. I'd rather have a couple year engagement than wait and have a quick engagement. I feel that when you know you want to be with someone and be committed, it's time. It also means so much more than "boyfriend". It shows you're serious. He says that he doesn't want to have a long engagement and that it's stupid and people then think you'll never get married. I personally don't care what people think. He's so focused on school right now and doesn't seem excited to talk about marriage...when I question it he says he's just focused on school and he'll be excited when he's done. Now that I decided I would like to go for it and he still doesn't want to even discuss it as a possibility really bothers me and is starting to make me feel sad. Yet I know he doesn't plan to leave me and talks about the future with me included, I still think if he really wanted me that much, maybe he would be more eager to get engaged. Am I being irrational?? I just want to hear some insight from those who have been through it. How long were you engaged? Do you understand his perspective or agree with me?

Thanks for any and all insight

 

[MelodyJane]

I don't think you're being irrational - we were engaged for 2+ years before we got married. I don't want to give you advice - it's not my place - but I would consider talking with your mom about this. Sometimes we are too close to our own feelings to see how other people feel or what the answer might be. Alternatively, have you two considered talking to a religious leader about your disagreement? Ultimately, if he's not ready to propose now, pushing him to do so won't make either of you happy.

 

[snoochface]

Out of necessity, we were engaged only a couple of months before we got married. But I'm curious, why do you have to have an engagement at all? If you are both ready to get married and committed, why not just get married? A wedding is just a party. You don't have to have a big, planned, expensive party. Just get married if you're both ready to and lose the stress of a big wedding.

 

[seeing_glory]

I don't think you're being irrational - we were engaged for 2+ years before we got married. I don't want to give you advice - it's not my place - but I would consider talking with your mom about this. Sometimes we are too close to our own feelings to see how other people feel or what the answer might be. Alternatively, have you two considered talking to a religious leader about your disagreement? Ultimately, if he's not ready to propose now, pushing him to do so won't make either of you happy.

Honestly my mom views things quite differently than I do. A lot of older people just tell me how big of a decision something like that is and that I should just "date around" more. But I know that my bf has a lot of great qualities and loves God and I know that we're compatible and would share a good life together. It may not seem that way because of what I shared but truly, I've been through my share of bad guys...he has no bad intentions for me or the relationship. Just trying to figure out why he disagrees with me on this.. :/

 

[seeing_glory]

Out of necessity, we were engaged only a couple of months before we got married. But I'm curious, why do you have to have an engagement at all? If you are both ready to get married and committed, why not just get married? A wedding is just a party. You don't have to have a big, planned, expensive party. Just get married if you're both ready to and lose the stress of a big wedding.

We can't get married right now, as I've mentioned in the original post, we're studying in college, and we can't really afford to live together yet. We are both going to different schools an hour apart. I wanted to get engaged because we can't get married now but I want to be in a committed relationship. I know it's just symbolic, but I like the idea.

 

[MelodyJane]

It may sound childish, but how would you feel if he gave you a promise ring instead? That way you still have the symbolism of knowing he's serious without pressuring him to propose now?

 

[seeing_glory]

It may sound childish, but how would you feel if he gave you a promise ring instead? That way you still have the symbolism of knowing he's serious without pressuring him to propose now?

I mean, I'm not against it or anything, it's nice. But I always kind of felt like promise rings are basically the same thing as engagement, except maybe a bit less pricey. So I don't know if I understand the concept. Ya know?

 

[MelodyJane]

They are MUCH less pricey. Promise rings can run between $50-$100 whereas engagement rings are in the $500-$2000+ range. If you're both still in school and have a couple more years left to go, a promise ring could be a much more affordable request than an engagement ring.

 

[kmrichard7]

I would say to pray and wait. Work on yourself to make sure you are the wife God wants you to be while your soon to be fiance works on the man God wants him to be.
You are only 22, you have a long life ahead of you and lots of years to start a family. Don't rush. Enjoy these moments of anticipation. Enjoy a relationship that's not in the "comfortable" stage yet. A relationship that still has lots of spark. It takes more work to get that spark after marriage.

work on yourself and maybe consider giving Proverbs 31 another read through

 

[seeing_glory]

I would say to pray and wait. Work on yourself to make sure you are the wife God wants you to be while your soon to be fiance works on the man God wants him to be.
You are only 22, you have a long life ahead of you and lots of years to start a family. Don't rush. Enjoy these moments of anticipation. Enjoy a relationship that's not in the "comfortable" stage yet. A relationship that still has lots of spark. It takes more work to get that spark after marriage.

work on yourself and maybe consider giving Proverbs 31 another read through

This is always the best advice, so thank you for reminding me to just trust God.
It's not really just me being eager to do this though, it's me worrying that because of what HIS opinion is, that it means he doesn't care for me as strongly as I do him. I just see no reason to be hesitant when he "claims" that we're getting married after we finish our degrees anyway. It's more me wondering the reasons/meaning behind this.

 

[Murby]

Am I being irrational??

Yes, you are being irrational....
Your desire to have him commit to an engagement is a manifestation of your own insecurities. You're worried that if you don't lock this up now, it could somehow change. I was going to also say that you're worried about what your friends think and you need something to show for it.. But you made the statement that you don't care what other think so we'll nix that part of my response as invalid.

While you may be of the Christian faith and believe that marriage somehow adds to your relationship, as though it solidifies it or validates it in some way, if you stop to really think about it, the only thing being married really does is to provide tax breaks or spouse related administrative advantages. Other than that, there are zero tangible or quantifiable other benefits to being married... and certainly none for being engaged.

Two people who love each other should not need an administrative document from the rest of the world declaring their relationship.. Love can not be declared on paper, in song, or in any other way except for the experiences two people share between each other. Everything else is a farce.. a show.. an empty box filled with empty promises.

That said, I am married.. we've considered a divorce for tax reasons but the accountant said it wouldn't help any...

We had our relationship, decided to get married, and got married a couple weeks later.. No big parties, no hoopla or other shallow garbage that normally accompanies traditional weddings.. Even her wedding dress was just a cheap off the rack thing that I doubt ran even ($100?).. Her wedding ring cost more than the average 3 bedroom home, but the rest of the meaningless stuff was absent and remains absent from our lives.

Some good advice here:

Now here's another perspective for you to consider......
Assuming you're both Christians and the whole marriage and engagement thing is a big deal for you, if he doesn't want a "long engagement", my guess is its because he considers you temporary. Sorry.. My responses are always honest.. and I don't sugar coat manure and sell it as caviar.
I would never marry a religious woman, but for the sake of the discussion, assuming I would, and assuming I knew certain things were important to her, then I would certainly forgo my opinion on the engagement issue and do whatever made her feel better.

Now if he's not a Christian then the above paragraph may not apply. Religion has a unique way of unnecessarily complicating things.

Good luck,

 

[Hetta]

I decided to post in the married forum because I wanted some advice from people who have been in my life stage and experienced the process.

So, I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He's 26, I'm 22. We're both still studying in college and have about 2 years left to go. While we can't get married anytime very soon, I'd prefer to get engaged sooner rather than later. I'd rather have a couple year engagement than wait and have a quick engagement. I feel that when you know you want to be with someone and be committed, it's time. It also means so much more than "boyfriend". It shows you're serious. He says that he doesn't want to have a long engagement and that it's stupid and people then think you'll never get married. I personally don't care what people think. He's so focused on school right now and doesn't seem excited to talk about marriage...when I question it he says he's just focused on school and he'll be excited when he's done. Now that I decided I would like to go for it and he still doesn't want to even discuss it as a possibility really bothers me and is starting to make me feel sad. Yet I know he doesn't plan to leave me and talks about the future with me included, I still think if he really wanted me that much, maybe he would be more eager to get engaged. Am I being irrational?? I just want to hear some insight from those who have been through it. How long were you engaged? Do you understand his perspective or agree with me?

Thanks for any and all insight

To be honest - IME - if he doesn't want to get engaged, then you have every reason to doubt. This is all "words" really. He's "talking" about a future, and you "feel" as though that gives you security, but there is no real security, and actually - even with a wedding ring - there's still no 100% security. However, anyone who doesn't want to discuss engagement and marriage is probably not talking about it because he's not really thinking about it. If I were you, 30 years ago, I would disengage my heart and my hopes. To be honest, you're 22 and you're at college. Why not focus on your studying and your career. If something happens with this guy it does, if not, then you still have your future ahead of you. That is the advice I would give my daughters.

 

[Teslafied]

Here's what I think...

I've been down that road before with an ex. He constantly talked about marriage yet when it came down to it he only gave me a friendship ring because I wasn't willing to give into his sexual advances before marriage. He wanted to keep me on the side until he found better aka someone who would sleep with him because to be quite honest I wouldn't as I was saving myself until marriage.

The point is men will fill your ears with things that they know you want to hear so they can get a peice, you gotta play it smart and not give in. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free?

I was done playing games so once my ex ran off for a chick who would give into his sexual advances I made it my goal to find a decent Godly man who would be willing to wait for me. I wasn't into playing games, I didn't want a long drawn out relationship I wanted someone who had similar goals (marriage in mind). So eventually I found a serious Godly man online, we dated 8mo approx. then we met each other. We lived in two different states, I came out to meet him. We wanted to remain close because honestly we knew we had love for each other but once we fully saw each other in the flesh we both fell in love. I decided to rent a place temporarily until we got to know each other more to see if it would work out. Well it wasn't but like 3mo and I said you know what I'm out here in another state away from home I need to know what you're gonna do... Are you gonna Marry me or not? Lol. So we picked out a ring and he asked me if I wanted to be engaged, so we got engaged. About a month later we got married. So we pretty much courted a year and wed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you're not being irrational for wanting to settle down, what's irrational is to want to stick with someone who wants to play games. I know this is hard advice but trust me I've been there before... You're going to have to give him a flat out ultimatum. Also don't let finances prevent you from settling down.

I would not date beyond a year period this is what I told my ex and he couldn't hack it. I also told my now husband that I'm not dating more than a year, little piddly paddly games was not my thing I wanted full commitment. It may sound weird to some but it definitely works in weeding out the players and the little boys.

 

[DZoolander]

Here's my opinion - take it for whatever it's worth.

The last thing you want to do is potentially end up in a situation where your opinion of your relationship gets compromised - and I think becoming engaged long before you actually get married can do that to a couple.

When I was in my early 20's, I got engaged to my g/f. We, for similar reasons (school, etc etc), ended up having an EXTREMELY long engagement. We were engaged for about 4.5 to 5 years before we finally tied the knot. Once we got married - it lasted about a year and a half before it completely fell apart and I realized what a horrible mistake it was to have gotten married to her.

Looking back on it - I think it was getting engaged and having such a long engagement that was the problem - and was the primary reason why we didn't break up as we should have. In a lot of ways - we got it into our heads that we were GOING to get married because "we were engaged" - and that made us try and make things work when inevitably there were insurmountable differences between us in reality. Had we simply been "dating" - and had our relationship been viewed in that light instead of her being my "future wife" - I'd have bailed long before we finally got married and the marriage/divorce never would have happened.

I think keeping the "Dating" label on you - until you're actually both prepared to truly tie the knot (and not at some future ambiguous date) - leaves you open to objectively look at your relationship without the pressure of "making it work" because "there's a marriage coming". Until you actually get married - you should be prepared to leave at any point - and the engaged label can influence/skew your judgment on that.

So no - I'm not a fan of long engagements either.

 

[akmom]

He doesn't want to focus on engagement or marriage right now, because he is focused on school. So by all means, you should brow-beat him into committing to this RIGHT NOW because YOU feel like it. So what if his heart isn't in it? He just needs to give you a ring already and let you upgrade your Facebook relationship status.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

So, I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He's 26, I'm 22.

Well as always I think marrying to young is bad. Most aren't really ready for it yet. I'd say him especially since hes only 22. They say our brains are more mature/ready for life at 25. Older sometimes for men.

He's so focused on school right now and doesn't seem excited to talk about marriage...when I question it he says he's just focused on school and he'll be excited when he's done.

Thats a good thing if hes focused on school. To many right out of high school want to get married right away. Education is important. And it could mean a better paying job for your possible future with him.


For me and my wife. We were dating not even a month. Got engaged and married just over a year later. Which gave us plenty of time to talk. I say this because you say you knows hes meant for you. But have you had serious talks? I mean questions that may cause awkward moments but need to be talked about? Such as:

1. Will you still love me when my body changes as I age?
2. How do you believe in disciplining a child?
3. If we have a fight, how would you handle it?
4. If we have been having major marriage problems will you go to counseling with me or would you just give up?
5. What are your views on divorce in general?
6. Do you truly want kids?

Stuff like that. And of course ask biblical questions to make sure all your views match up. Then you get into questions like sexual compatibility. Sex, money...etc can affect a marriage for better or worse.

 

[LinkH]

My advice to the OP is don't steal his thunder. Let him propose to you, and don't pressure him. You pressuring him can make the whole experience a lot less 'special' to you, too, if he proposes just because you pressure him.

 

[seeing_glory]

As an update..
I've talked to him about the responses I've gotten and tried to explain my reasons more clearly. It's not that I'm pressuring him, I'm trying not to because as people have said, it wouldn't mean as much if he did it just because I pressured him. But when I talked to him he seemed surprised to hear that many people think 2 years is a fine amount of time to be engaged and said that maybe he was wrong. He thought of engagement more as the point where you start PLANNING the wedding and things like that rather than the symbolic commitment part of it. So he said he's considering my point. I'm gonna try to give him some time and not bug him too much. At least I feel a little better knowing it isn't just that he doesn't want to...

Thanks for all the responses.

 

[Teslafied]

Yea kind of what my husband pulled on me before I gave him an ultimatum of sorts. He wanted to find a wife yet when we dated and I brought up marriage he wanted to wait and I flat out told him that I wasn't going to wait beyond a year, I was ready to settle down.

It seems like to me that your boyfriend just isn't ready, I don't buy the whole I'll consider it story, it sounds like he's just trying to shove it under the rug.

If he loves you he will commit, period.

Also I was 23 when I got married so yea 22ish is definitely not too young to wed.

 

[seeing_glory]

Yea kind of what my husband pulled on me before I gave him an ultimatum of sorts. He wanted to find a wife yet when we dated and I brought up marriage he wanted to wait and I flat out told him that I wasn't going to wait beyond a year, I was ready to settle down.

It seems like to me that your boyfriend just isn't ready, I don't buy the whole I'll consider it story, it sounds like he's just trying to shove it under the rug.

If he loves you he will commit, period.

Also I was 23 when I got married so yea 22ish is definitely not too young to wed.

Yeah I think it's more maturity level than a set number. Some older people aren't mature and some younger people may be. The reason what he said sounded genuine to me is because he explained which I already knew, he's only ever been around either church people, who get engaged after like 6 months and then get married within another 6 months, and then there's his family who is all broken up and divorced. I don't think he really gets what's normal. He originally said that we could do it a year before he graduates school so that we're only engaged for a year. Which is when I started figuring, why not sooner and longer engagement... now he says how about within a year like next spring? Then it would be more like a 2 yr engagement..

He's definitely not as "excited" about the engagement part as I do and when I ask he says it's because there would be absolutely nothing different except a ring and that he's already committed and would be more interested in the wedding part..which is a long way off as we both know