Having a hard day

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I had therapy today. I told my therapist about the sexual abuse that happened to me this summer. It was scary and a very hard thing for me to do. I really just want to cry right now, but I can't seem to allow myself to. I keep getting flashbacks of what happened. The flashbacks are quite bad right now because I've only just begun to open up about this. It hurts so much.

 

[Criada]

You took a huge step forward in opening up to your therapist, well done, sweetie
It will hurt, because you have taken out all those feelings and memories again... but that is the first step to dealing with them. It will get easier, sweetie, really
Thinking of you, and here whenever you need a shoulder to cry on

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I hope it gets easier, I just feel like crying today, but crying is kind of scary to me and it makes me feel vulnerable, like I was when he hurt me.

Thanks for being here for me Criada. I want to let myself cry.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

You are doing an amazing job. The reason you are feeling so vulnerable is because you just uncovered your wound a little bit, and the wind is blowing on it. It will hurt, and it's very very scary, but that's just a part of the healing process...a very vital part to it. You will pull through this, and be ok. I know you will.

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

It does hurt and is very scary right now.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

I know hun, I know. But allow yourself to hurt. Allow it to be scary. Allow yourself to feel. It really IS ok. All this stuff you are feeling is ok, it is allowed, and you have to allow yourself to feel that way. Regardless of what anyone else says. You won't be able to get through this unless you allow yourself to get through it. I know that sounds weird.

Just keep hanging on. Remember that you are a fighter, and that all this stuff is worth it even though right now it doesn't feel like it. Remember that you are special, and unique, and worth it. I know you don't feel like you are, but you are. There is a reason you are still here today. Just take care of YOU right now. It's ok. It's ok to cry because you're scared. It's ok to cry because you're hurting. it's ok to cry for no reason at all.

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I haven't allowed myself to feel yet. I want to, but I just can't seem to. I have a feeling that once I get my doctors appointment over with today I may just lose it.

 

[Criada]

'Losing it' for a while is fine, sweetie, as long as you find it again afterwards!

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

lol, well after a week like this...I think I need to lose it.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

lol I think you're right. You won't stay lost forever. You will get your bearings about you. I think you should listen to the song "Stand in the Rain" by superchicks.

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I love that song. I told my doctor today about the rape. That was very scary.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

good for you. You're making HUGE steps hon, HUGE steps. Just keep going.

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I wasn't planning to tell her today but she asked how therapy was going and I told her I'm working through some tough stuff. And she asked what exactly? I hesitated but figured I could trust her. So I just flat out told her I was raped

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

That was really brave of you, and yes, you should be able to feel like you can trust the doctors. Good for you.

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I know in my mind that I should be able to trust doctors, but when it comes to them physically touching me, I can't trust them.

 

[Criada]

It's great that you were able her, sweetie
It will help her understand you a lot better, and that will make things easier for both of you

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

It may help her understand me better but it's really scary to me.

 

[Criada]

I know it is, sweetie
If it's any consolation, it will get easier... I knoe that doesn't help right now..
I didn't tell anyone about my abuse for twenty five years... and after the first time I spoke about it out loud (I'd been writing it for a few months) I cried for three days. But now... it's not comfortable, but I can talk to some people, who I trust, without breaking down.

Just hang in there and don't push yourself, sweetie... it sounds as though today happened naturally, and that's good, though scary for you. Let things take their course and don't do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable,

 

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I haven't exactly let myself break down and I'm afraid of doing something I'll regret.

 

[Criada]

If you can't cry, sweetie, can you find another way to let your emotions out safely? Scribbling hard on paper, or thumping your pillow...