Have your opinions changed?

[renaistre]

I'm curious to know if your views on courtship vs. dating vs. whatever else have changed over time, or if you have always had the same opinion. In other words, did you use to date, and then you got Josh Harris's book and changed your mind? Did you try the courtship thing, get discouraged and start dating? Did you grow up with a particular point of view that hasn't changed?

For the sake of this discussion, let's define dating as the case where you would ask someone you like out on a date as a social event, and courtship as where there is little or no time spent alone as a couple until marriage, with the parents being involved from the beginning of the relationship. (If someone understands the distinction I'm trying to make, but can word it better, please do so.)

 

[renaistre]

Woohoo! Right now I'm at 100%! I've been a courtship guy so far.

 

[goat37]

I used to do the courtship thing, but now I date... While I do enjoy the company of women, and I do love to go out and have fun and do things with them... Right now, after being burned so many times after opening my heart, I just like to date them (certainly not exclusively either) and just keep from getting too attached.

I have a job that keeps me traveling all the time (out of the area). I am working on my degree in business at night/online... I just don't have the time nor energy to commit myself emotionally to someone right now... so with that said, I am not going to cut myself off from contact with women that I like (i couldn't care less if any of you disagree) and so I will just see them casually and have fun with them.

 

[Southern Cross]

I'm 36 and married now. Knowing what I know now, I would have definitely taken the high road. I still would have dated around, but kept it light hearted and not gotten so darn involved and I would have waited for "the one" before getting physically involved. Then when I found someone who was a good match for me, I would have gone into a true courtship mode. Make sense? I still ended up being married "the one", thank God, but things could've been a lot smoother and less stressful had we honored God in every aspect of our relationship before we got married.

So yes, I've changed. I wish more folks in their late teens and early/mid twenties were as serious as most of you all about honoring God in their relationships. Frankly, I wish I had this forum around when I hit the dating scene!

 

[waterbear]

I voted always courtship... but my notion of courtship/dating is a mixture. Time alone is great, time with relatives is great, pointless social activities are bleh.

 

[renaistre]

Thanks guys for your responses so far. They are exactly the kinds of responses I'm interested in.

 

[Eagle_Wings]

I chose the "other" response simply because my definitions don't match!

I have always had one view on "dating" and it's always been more serious then most people that I've come into contact with. Growing up, the rule of the house was that I couldn't date until I was 16 and then the guy had to ask my dad's permission first. Well, for whatever reason that never happened! As I watched what others around me went through playing the dating game, I knew that I didn't want to go through all that garbage. Over the last few years I've been able to really define what my stance is on dating, but it's hard to explain since everyone has a different definition of dating and courting!

Basically, I will not date, in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense, a guy I don't really know, and I won't do it just to be able to say I have a boyfriend...which seems to be the reason for alot of people I know. I prefer to be just friends first and I have no problem hanging out and doing things, just the 2 of us, but it is with the understanding that it's just as friends and then as we get to know each other, if it's what God wants then the relationship could go farther.

I've read Josh Harris' book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," and while it really helped me put alot of things into perspective, there were some issues that he seemed too rigid on for me. The main one was not being alone with the SO at all before marriage. While I can understand this view to a point, I don't think it's necessarily feasible for everyone. Case in point: Last year I met a guy at my part-time job, neither one of us has a group of friends that we hang out with, we both went to different churches, mine does not have anybody else there my age, I was not interested in going to his church as I have obligations at my own, neither one of us was really interested in doing the party scene that everyone else at work did. So, we hung out just the 2 of us. We went to a few movies, out to dinner a few times, did some other things just by ourselves. To me that was no big deal, now I will not spend time in his apartment without anyone else there and no guy is allowed to spend anytime in my house if I'm the only one there. 2 reasons for that: avoid any appearence of wrong doing and also avoid placing ourselves into temptation.

So, I guess call it whatever you want to, but that's my stand on dating.

 

[fishstix]

I'm curious to know if your views on courtship vs. dating vs. whatever else have changed over time, or if you have always had the same opinion. In other words, did you use to date, and then you got Josh Harris's book and changed your mind? Did you try the courtship thing, get discouraged and start dating? Did you grow up with a particular point of view that hasn't changed?

For the sake of this discussion, let's define dating as the case where you would ask someone you like out on a date as a social event, and courtship as where there is little or no time spent alone as a couple until marriage, with the parents being involved from the beginning of the relationship. (If someone understands the distinction I'm trying to make, but can word it better, please do so.)

I don't think I would fit into either extreme. My idea of proper 'dating' would be more similar to 'courting'. I think that ideally, dating should be preparation for marriage, not just a form of entertainment. I think that people should get to know each other as friends before even considering a romantic relationship. I don't believe in dating strangers or casual aquaintances. And I think that it is a bad idea for people to date each other if they aren't already looking at each other as potential marriage material. So I don't really fit into the 'dating' category.

But, I don't see a problem with hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender and going to social events as 'just friends'. I don't believe in the little or no time spent alone as a couple (as long as it isn't something like spending the night at each other's house or a tempting situation like that). And if we're talking about adults (as opposed to teenagers), I don't think parents necessarily need to be overly involved from day 1. So I don't really fit into the 'courting' category either.

 

[Eagle_Wings]

I don't think I would fit into either extreme. My idea of proper 'dating' would be more similar to 'courting'. I think that ideally, dating should be preparation for marriage, not just a form of entertainment. I think that people should get to know each other as friends before even considering a romantic relationship. I don't believe in dating strangers or casual aquaintances. And I think that it is a bad idea for people to date each other if they aren't already looking at each other as potential marriage material. So I don't really fit into the 'dating' category.

But, I don't see a problem with hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender and going to social events as 'just friends'. I don't believe in the little or no time spent alone as a couple (as long as it isn't something like spending the night at each other's house or a tempting situation like that). And if we're talking about adults (as opposed to teenagers), I don't think parents necessarily need to be overly involved from day 1. So I don't really fit into the 'courting' category either.

Exactly what I was trying to say...you just said it so much better!

 

[JPPT1974]

I think God wants us to submit to Him in terms of relationships. If it's meant to be then that's the Lord's will. If not then it again is the Lord's will. Maybe I am not meant to get married and He wants me perhaps to do something else with my life. And that God wants me to honor His request as well as do it instead of not just saying it. Because it's easier said than done.

 

[renaistre]

I probably shouldn't have made the definitions quite so rigid. My main question isn't really "what are your views?", but "have your views changed or not?" Still, your answers are enlightening and well put. Thanks.

 

[micaela]

Similar to other posters, I don't fit rigidly into any category but I selected courting as my option.
I used to like the idea of casual dating in order to find someone who I might be interested in courting (as such). However, as my life has moseyed along, I haven't casually dated, and the only relationship I've had prior to my current friendship was a definite "this is dating with view to marriage idea". I expected/hoped to only have one of those, but unfortunately, it didn't end well.

My current friendship started online, and has remained a friendship only for 6mths since we started meeting up, and is now moving towards the courting idea. We are in our late 20s/early 30s though, and only seeing each other in group settings/with our parents isn't going to happen (not only because mine live in a different country)!

Not to say we can't maintain integrity and avoid appearance of evil by all the obvious things like for example, not being at our houses alone.

 

[Highland Watchman]

I'd say that I would more or less be the middle of the road kind of guy... I don't think I have any set rules, but I am not really the type to float from dating relationship to dating relationship either. I know that my heart would get broken way too easily if I did that...

Also, I much prefer to get to know the person first, before I do think of pursuing anything. But not only that... it usually takes me a while of "testing the waters" before I do make any moves.

 

[gizmo03]

I am not too sure on what I think and what category it really goes under. I use to be all excited for the 'dating' experience and everything that goes with it, but I have learned through some experiences that it isn't all that it seems by just watching other people and thinking you'd have that just because someone else has it.

So with me whether or not anything progresses with this one guy around me now or not I want things to go so differently(in a good way that is). Even though I know there are already feelings based there, I am going to have my gaurd up so much stronger and not let my heart be so free.

 

[JPPT1974]

I'd say that I would more or less be the middle of the road kind of guy... I don't think I have any set rules, but I am not really the type to float from dating relationship to dating relationship either. I know that my heart would get broken way too easily if I did that...

Also, I much prefer to get to know the person first, before I do think of pursuing anything. But not only that... it usually takes me a while of "testing the waters" before I do make any moves.

I do prefer to get to know the person first as well before we do anything else like also test one another. Know what we like and/or dislike instead of just rushing into things for all the wrong reasons!!

 

[SOLDOUT4HIM]

Used to date alot before I accepted Jesus but now I am definately into courting.

 

[renaistre]

Used to date alot before I accepted Jesus but now I am definately into courting.

Now that's a nice, clear, concise answer. (Not to knock any of the other longer ones. I liked them also. )

Do you mind if I ask what exactly changed your mind, and how long ago it was?

 

[Sketcher]

I used to believe in dating anyone and doing anything (but sex) when I was a teenager, but am now more strict about guarding hearts and whatnot. But I am still a lot more libertarian than Harris. I find some of his views (as communicated to me by his followers) to be legalistic.

 

[renaistre]

I'm starting to think I should have put in three categories: "social dating", "Christian dating", and "courtship", for lack of better terms. But it doesn't really matter. As I said before, I'm more interested in whether or not your views have changed, and why, whatever they are.

When I think about it, I don't really even know exactly why I'm asking this question. I guess I'm just curious what issues would be significant enough to change someone's mind about this.

 

[the_man]

I'm starting to think I should have put in three categories: "social dating", "Christian dating", and "courtship", for lack of better terms. But it doesn't really matter. As I said before, I'm more interested in whether or not your views have changed, and why, whatever they are.

yeah, to me there shouldn't be much difference between "chrsitian dating" and "courtship". Both have the intent of marriage.

When I think about it, I don't really even know exactly why I'm asking this question. I guess I'm just curious what issues would be significant enough to change someone's mind about this.

I'm glad you asked yourself this. I didn't want to come across as mean, heh.