Harm OCD

[EtainSkirata]

Last night I was out with my boyfriend, and we were going to sit on the trunk of his car and look at the stars. He tried to lift me up to sit on the trunk, but it was a little awkward and I ended up sitting on his hand. As I was getting situated, I was thinking about making sure I wasn't gonna dent the trunk, and I knew I was hurting his hand, but I thought it didn't really matter.
Well he got up next to me and was half joking but said "you about broke my pinky." And I just felt awful. I tried to replay the situation then and there and asked how I could have avoided it, and he said to not have moved the way I did. And then later I asked about his hand and he said he was fine.
But I just feel HORRIBLE. I KNEW I was hurting him at the time. I keep replaying it, thinking about if I knew how to do it better BEFORE he told me, trying to figure out what was going through my mind. My brain is just telling me he deserves someone who isn't going to deliberately hurt him, and that I'm abusive, and I should break up with him. But I don't even know how I would explain that to a future date; I don't even know if I should just let this go and chalk it up to "I did something mean and selfish but its not worth breaking up over."
I'm having such bad anxiety right now, my chest hurts and i can't stop thinking about it.

 

[Tolworth John]

Basic advice for OCD is to talk to your therapist or doctor.
If unable to, or not happy then read the Web site:-
25 tips for successfully treating your OCD.
Read it and share it with your family, doctor, therapist and friends so they know how to help you.

Anxiety, talk to your doctor.

 

[EtainSkirata]

It's just that, I KNEW it would hurt, but I didn't change how I was sitting (it was only for like a second anyway and then we got readjusted). Or today we were messing around and I grabbed his thumb, and then I had the thought of "I'm gonna hurt his bad thumb," and for a second I didn't care, for a split second I WANTED to hurt his thumb and i pulled on it, and then the next second I deliberately let go so as to avoid that.
But after, when I was asking which elbow was his bad elbow so I wasn't hurting it, he said both the thumb and the bad elbow are on the same side, and that when I grabbed his thumb he had felt something and realized he needed to get me to let go.
But it's those short, quick thoughts that come up, pretty much without warning in the moment, and I feel like a wretched, awful person for acting on it for even a second. I love him a lot and I am utterly shocked at myself. I feel like I'm walking a fine line before turning into an abusive partner.