Guys, please weigh in

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm going nuts and need some peace of mind.
Background-I've been dating someone 3.5 months, we got serious fast and were dating exclusively. We've had 3 disagreements which have resulted in him backing off and suggesting that maybe I should date others. The last two times we agreed to be exclusive and he made some comments just a few weeks ago that made it very clear to me that he wouldn't want me dating anyone else. The last disagreement was right before I was supposed to meet his dd which is a very big deal for him. It was a last minute decision, but because of the disagreement the meeting was postponed.

The next day he started saying the dating other people thing. His ex is mentally unstable right now and asked him to take their dd full time which should have happened yesterday. He said he'd call Friday to update me and the last conversation Wed he said: he didn't know how having his dd would affect our relationship, maybe I should date him and other guys because it wasn't fair of him to ask me to wait, asked me if I wanted him to stay in touch (I said yes) and he stated we could try to have dates when both of us were free, the last thing he said was that he'd be praying a lot the next two days (that was Wed).

I have some women telling me to kick him to the curb because he doesn't value me enough if he can't figure out how to work me in with his dd. He's been discussing marriage from the beginning though the minimum dating would've been a year.

My heart is telling me it's over because I don't understand how you can go this long without talking to someone you really care about. I want to know if it is, but to be fair how much time do I give him before I ask if what I'm feeling is true? This is really tearing me up and I want closure if it's over.

 

[ulu]

What's "dd"?

 

[dluvs2trvl]

dear daughter

 

[ido]

EBL - I don't know b/c I'm not walking in your shoes, but there are a couple of things that jumped out to me.

1 - He's been openly communicative with you about the status of the relationship from the beginning
2 - Yes, it has fluctuated b/w exclusivity and non-exclusivity, but I wonder how much of that is due to his volatile situation with his ex. It's a lot to ask of someone emotionally to be able to move forward with a current relationship before the previous relationship is "settled" so to speak.
3 - Props to him for making a big deal out of you meeting his dd. One of my hard and fast rules is that my kids will not meet someone I'm dating until I know for certain the relationship has the potential to develop into marriage.
4 - He's asking you to continue dating him while he figures this all out, but he's also not presumptuous enough to think that you would sit around with your eggs all in one basket. He's respecting your right to keep your options open.
5 - He's telling you that he needs you to be patient. If it feels to him like there is pressure coming from you for him to get to the same place you are, it might push him in the opposite direction.

If he hasn't called, it's entirely possible that he's overwhelmed with what is going on with assuming responsibility of his DD full-time. Pray about it and consider whether you might be able to swallow your own insecurities about the relationship long enough to call him to see how he's handling the adjustment and to let him know you've been praying for him and his DD.

If, after considering all of that, you still feel like he's blowing you off or that it's not worth pursuing the relationship, then cut yourself loose from it.

I know I'm not a guy, but there's my $.02 anyway.

Praying for you.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

EBL - I don't know b/c I'm not walking in your shoes, but there are a couple of things that jumped out to me.

1 - He's been openly communicative with you about the status of the relationship from the beginning
2 - Yes, it has fluctuated b/w exclusivity and non-exclusivity, but I wonder how much of that is due to his volatile situation with his ex. It's a lot to ask of someone emotionally to be able to move forward with a current relationship before the previous relationship is "settled" so to speak.
3 - Props to him for making a big deal out of you meeting his dd. One of my hard and fast rules is that my kids will not meet someone I'm dating until I know for certain the relationship has the potential to develop into marriage.
4 - He's asking you to continue dating him while he figures this all out, but he's also not presumptuous enough to think that you would sit around with your eggs all in one basket. He's respecting your right to keep your options open.
5 - He's telling you that he needs you to be patient. If it feels to him like there is pressure coming from you for him to get to the same place you are, it might push him in the opposite direction.

If he hasn't called, it's entirely possible that he's overwhelmed with what is going on with assuming responsibility of his DD full-time. Pray about it and consider whether you might be able to swallow your own insecurities about the relationship long enough to call him to see how he's handling the adjustment and to let him know you've been praying for him and his DD.

If, after considering all of that, you still feel like he's blowing you off or that it's not worth pursuing the relationship, then cut yourself loose from it.

I know I'm not a guy, but there's my $.02 anyway.

Praying for you.

It's sounds so reasonable when you say it, especially coming from a woman. I've been fighting the urge to call him all day, but not because of pride or anything, but to give him his "space" and because he has his dd. In the past I only got quick, business-like calls because his dd is always with him except for quick trips to the laundry or trash. It would be nice if he would put that girl in her own bed and make her go to sleep on some kind of a schedule even on the weekends, but that's another story.

If he had just once said that he hoped I would wait, but he couldn't ask that of me, I'd feel a lot better.

 

[ido]

It's sounds so reasonable when you say it, especially coming from a woman. I've been fighting the urge to call him all day, but not because of pride or anything, but to give him his "space" and because he has his dd. In the past I only got quick, business-like calls because his dd is always with him except for quick trips to the laundry or trash. It would be nice if he would put that girl in her own bed and make her go to sleep on some kind of a schedule even on the weekends, but that's another story.

If he had just once said that he hoped I would wait, but he couldn't ask that of me, I'd feel a lot better.

Well, look at it from an investment standpoint. Are the risks greater than the return? If you haven't heard from him and you're having to work up the nerve to call him even tho you have been dating for a while, that would be a red flag to me. If I've been dating someone for a while, it should feel natural to pick up the phone and believe that they are going to be ready to talk on the other end.

However, it sounds like the bigger issues are surrounding how he handles his dd. Take it from me - I lived it for almost 6 years - if you are not in agreement on how an SO is handling his parenting situation, then now is the time to cut your losses. My ex and I had polar opposite ideas of parenting, so when I tried to parent my stepson the way I do our children when he was in our home, I was met with a lot of resistance and criticism from my ex. It was ultimately a criticism about my stepparenting skills that escalated into a violent confrontation from my ex that caused me to leave. I'm not saying that would happen in your situation - mine was extreme - but I have enough friends in stepparenting situations to know that if you don't agree now, you probably never will.

BTW - I actually have a very solid relationship with my stepson's mom/family..and my stepson regularly tells me that he misses me and loves me. But, for whatever reason, my ex couldn't handle me being in a position of authority in my own home.

 

[ChooseTheRight]

Hi there. I understand about his dd and about difficulty with his ex. But if he really loved you, he would make the time to see you. Love is one of those things that drives you to see the person you love. To go more than a few day without seeing them, would be impossible.

If it was me. I would call him, tell him you want to talk and open everything up. If he cant find time for you, then you may as well accept its over. When guys act all business-like on the phone, they are trying to distance themselves from that person.

Some men find it really hard to break up with girls. It sounds like thats what your guy is like. I expect he wants you to dump him. Thats why he is being so distant and difficult.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

If you haven't heard from him and you're having to work up the nerve to call him even tho you have been dating for a while, that would be a red flag to me. If I've been dating someone for a while, it should feel natural to pick up the phone and believe that they are going to be ready to talk on the other end.

It's not working up my nerve, it's restraining myself from calling him. The man in the cave thing you know? When his dd is there he can't talk freely. It's a small 2 bedroom apt. He told me Monday he was really stressing out about the prospect of becoming a real parent and needed to go hide from everyone and just pray. He noted that he had suggested we both take a few days to think and pray and it had only been one day since that conversation when I called.

However, it sounds like the bigger issues are surrounding how he handles his dd.

He sounds like a very good parent. He loves his dd and cherishes the time he has with her and had talked about things he was going to do with my kids that just melted my heart since their father is awol. The only things that bug me are him often sleeping with her and never enforcing a bedtime on weekends. I know another single dad who does the same thing with falling asleep in the same bed, allowing their dd to come into their bed at night and staying. That concerns me because I think they should put a stop to that well before a woman kicks them out.

Hi there. I understand about his dd and about difficulty with his ex. But if he really loved you, he would make the time to see you. Love is one of those things that drives you to see the person you love. To go more than a few day without seeing them, would be impossible.

If it was me. I would call him, tell him you want to talk and open everything up. If he cant find time for you, then you may as well accept its over. When guys act all business-like on the phone, they are trying to distance themselves from that person.

Some men find it really hard to break up with girls. It sounds like thats what your guy is like. I expect he wants you to dump him. Thats why he is being so distant and difficult.

I have considered this and want to know the truth. The business-like tone only happens when his dd is around. It's been like that from the beginning. As soon as he's out of ear-shot, it's back to normal.

 

[ChooseTheRight]

I have considered this and want to know the truth. The business-like tone only happens when his dd is around. It's been like that from the beginning. As soon as he's out of ear-shot, it's back to normal.

Then you already know where you stand. If you are not good enough for his dd, then he isnt good enough for you. Sorry. I dont believe in sugar coating, when someone is being disrespected the way you are. He needs to stop being such a coward and treat you with the respect you deserve. I cant stand guys like that. They give the rest of us a bad name.

 

[Princess Pea]

EBL - I don't know b/c I'm not walking in your shoes, but there are a couple of things that jumped out to me.

1 - He's been openly communicative with you about the status of the relationship from the beginning
2 - Yes, it has fluctuated b/w exclusivity and non-exclusivity, but I wonder how much of that is due to his volatile situation with his ex. It's a lot to ask of someone emotionally to be able to move forward with a current relationship before the previous relationship is "settled" so to speak.
3 - Props to him for making a big deal out of you meeting his dd. One of my hard and fast rules is that my kids will not meet someone I'm dating until I know for certain the relationship has the potential to develop into marriage.
4 - He's asking you to continue dating him while he figures this all out, but he's also not presumptuous enough to think that you would sit around with your eggs all in one basket. He's respecting your right to keep your options open.
5 - He's telling you that he needs you to be patient. If it feels to him like there is pressure coming from you for him to get to the same place you are, it might push him in the opposite direction.

If he hasn't called, it's entirely possible that he's overwhelmed with what is going on with assuming responsibility of his DD full-time. Pray about it and consider whether you might be able to swallow your own insecurities about the relationship long enough to call him to see how he's handling the adjustment and to let him know you've been praying for him and his DD.

If, after considering all of that, you still feel like he's blowing you off or that it's not worth pursuing the relationship, then cut yourself loose from it.

I know I'm not a guy, but there's my $.02 anyway.

Praying for you.

I think this is good advice.

 

[Princess Pea]

Then you already know where you stand. If you are not good enough for his dd, then he isnt good enough for you. Sorry. I dont believe in sugar coating, when someone is being disrespected the way you are. He needs to stop being such a coward and treat you with the respect you deserve. I cant stand guys like that. They give the rest of us a bad name.

I'm not so sure about this one. This is a seven (?) year old girl, not his best friend or his parents. It's not disrespectful to hide certain aspects of adult life from a small child. I'd say it's perfectly appropriate.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Then you already know where you stand. If you are not good enough for his dd, then he isnt good enough for you. Sorry. I dont believe in sugar coating, when someone is being disrespected the way you are. He needs to stop being such a coward and treat you with the respect you deserve. I cant stand guys like that. They give the rest of us a bad name.

Maybe I need to clarify: I'm his first post-divorce relationship, his dd will be turning 8 this month and he does not want her to know he's dating anyone romantically because he feels that she may fear being abandoned. He mom is on her 4th relationship and the dd got attached and hurt when one of the previous relationships ended. T and his ex did have an agreement to not introduce their dd to anyone until after 6 months of dating, but his ex has given him permission to introduce me because she felt that he was serious about me.

I don't like to be a secret, but I think protecting the kids is a good idea. My son who just turned 16, told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want to meet any more of my bf's. I was shocked because I thought I did a pretty good job of keeping my kids out of things and they have only spent much time with one guy I dated for a year. Two guys I went out with never got to the bf stage, but my son still saw them as bf's.

So the issue isn't how he talks to me while his dd is near, it's if he's going to make time for our relationship now that his dd has moved in full-time, and right now I'm struggling with how long I'm supposed to wait for him to come out of his cage? His dd was supposed to move in this last Friday, so it is a period of transition, but we had an argument last Saturday which is complicating everything.

 

[ChooseTheRight]

I understand. I guess i need to learn to be more forgiving.

 

[jcj3803]

Lots to digest here. Anyway...

Do NOT call him. DO NOT CALL HIM. No matter how crazy you're going, DO NOT CALL HIM! He might be "caving" as a means of dealing with the stress and trying to figure out what to do. Time will tell, but if you start pushing him now, he's gone. I can almost guarantee that.

Assuming he does "come back", I think there's a big issue with his daughter. Not that he should necessarily be blabbing about his love life to her, but your comment about bedtime is a big red flag that you two need to discuss if you're really thinking about a future together. I also wonder if that's the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, just from your tone.

MOO. (My opinion only.)

BTW, did I say not to call him?

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I agree with jcj - as hard as it is to be patient and to wait...DON'T CALL HIM! Let him miss you - let him see what it really would be like to not have you in his life. If that's ok with him - then his loss - if it's not then he'll do something about it and it will be because he wanted to not because he felt pushed or pressured into doing it.

 

[jcj3803]

Yup, D's got the picture.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Lots to digest here. Anyway...

Do NOT call him. DO NOT CALL HIM. No matter how crazy you're going, DO NOT CALL HIM! He might be "caving" as a means of dealing with the stress and trying to figure out what to do. Time will tell, but if you start pushing him now, he's gone. I can almost guarantee that.

Assuming he does "come back", I think there's a big issue with his daughter. Not that he should necessarily be blabbing about his love life to her, but your comment about bedtime is a big red flag that you two need to discuss if you're really thinking about a future together. I also wonder if that's the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, just from your tone.

MOO. (My opinion only.)

BTW, did I say not to call him?

Ok,fine. I signed back on here just one more time because I was about to call, not necessarily for the relationship, but because I need someone to do a mental health exam on for an assignment due tomorrow. He has already told me that he has short term memory loss and from an educational stand point I would've been interested in having someone with unusual results. I'm totally serious. When I read what kind of testing I needed to do, I knew he'd be a perfect person to interview and test.

No, I'm not really nuts even though it sounds ridiculous. This course is short and intense and I really want to actually learn something here. Probably not a good idea to tell him I want to test his mental status right now though.

 

[jcj3803]

Probably not a good idea to tell him I want to test his mental status right now though.

My gut tells me you'd be throwing gasoline on a fire. But it might just be indigestion. It's your call - pun intended.

How about some more guys weighing in here? Have I had one too many Mojitos tonight?

 

[ido]

Well, EBL - I guess I'm not getting a good picture of what's going on. But, I still stand by my comments about the parenting issues. If you are not on the same page about discipline / bedtime / general parenting, it would make for a very bumpy road, IMO. I would pray over that more than anything else if I were in your place.

JMHO

 

[ulu]

Ok,fine. I signed back on here just one more time because I was about to call, not necessarily for the relationship, but because I need someone to do a mental health exam on for an assignment due tomorrow.
.

Are you studying psychology?