Guys -- is this a date?

[Jenster]

Ok. Maybe I'm being totally dense here. But would you - as a guy - ask a woman out to a dinner and an event if you *weren't* thinking of it as a date?

I got an e-mail from a guy I know casually through fellowship. We've talked, but I've never sensed any chemistry. It's more like, he's a good, innocent sort of guy, and I try to be friendly and welcoming to all.

I wouldn't mind going out to hang out and learn more about who he is, but since I'm pretty sure he's much younger than me (at least 5 if not 10 years), I'm not interested in dating him. What to do...?

 

[BeautyForAshes]

I'd say its a date, but remember.....dates are simply an opportunity to get to know each other. Don't worry about the "what ifs" - just enjoy your friend's company.

If he tells you that he is interested in more (meaning he's interested in getting to know you in hopes of starting a relationship) just be honest with him about how you feel.

Other than that, have a good time!

 

[~HopeFloats~]

Hard call- I would not assume anything until you are there and feeling thinsg out.

Have a great time and update us

 

[Jenster]

Thanks for the advice you guys!

 

[mwb]

Is his name Todd Gaak? He went out with Elaine numerous times, even introducing her to his parents. She told him it was a date. He disagreed. He labelled it as a "lovely evening together".

 

[mwb]

That was my Seinfeld reference for the day.

 

[Jenster]

Is his name Todd Gaak? He went out with Elaine numerous times, even introducing her to his parents. She told him it was a date. He disagreed. He labelled it as a "lovely evening together".

Hahaha. That's hilarious, mwb. "A lovely evening together," I'll have to remember that.

 

[Jenster]

So that brings up the question ... how many dates before you DTR? Personally, I want to know as I go. "Hanging out" is fine when both people are in the same zone. But when one person (and only one) has "dating" in mind, it seems to lead to hurt feelings...

 

[mwb]

I'm stumped at what DTR means.

 

[Jenster]

Lol. DTR is "define the relationship." A.K.A., "The Talk." Often it refers to the point at which two people decide to officially become a couple and the guessing game ends.

But I meant it more like the conversation two people have upfront to figure out if there might be a purpose to their hanging out other than being friends. That requires both people to be willing to say how they feel. Because of all the confusion in dating these days, I prefer to bring it up as soon as possible, as soon as one person knows they only want to be friends. Or rather, only wants to have "a lovely evening together."

 

[mwb]

Oh-defining the relationship.

It's probably best to define it has it proceeds so if the people are on different paths, the differences in opinion can be determined sooner rather than later. Pretty much what you said.

 

[Jenster]

I'm happy to report that the guy and I had "a lovely evening together" after all. He was a perfect gentleman. Even though I had let him know that I considered our time together as friends, not as a date, he was gracious and said that would be fine. Such a nice guy!

 

[mwb]

That's great. Glad you had a nice time.

 

[covenant914]

The easist way to avoid the "date" tag with a guy is to offer to meet the guy at the restaurant, movie, etc.

Do not offer an excuse, "working late," etc as the reason for meeting - he will, in a moment of optimism, believe the excuse.

If he wants to date and you do not then meet him every time - he'll get the message.

Then you can work on the friendship (hate those words!).


Glad it worked out for you.

 

[Jenster]

Great! Thanks for the words of wisdom, covenant914.

 

[Craft]

DTR works along with setting boundries, but the main thing is try having some fun and relaxing. Date is just a word, just talk to this friend and express yourself, an open and honest relationship can benifit both of you and remove the date tag

once he realises that you are interested in a friendship, watch how he reacts, if he relaxes and opens himself up and becomes more relaxed in conversation. Then he was just wanting a friendship. But if he clams up and becomes unconfortable, he was looking for a more intense relationship, thus you will probably will lose him as a friend, but you will have stopped any misconceptions. Well good luck

 

[Jenster]

Thanks, Craft. Now there's another fellow I'm "getting to know" but we haven't DTR'd yet. I'm not sure yet how I feel about him, so we'll see.

Nice to see ya back here, btw!

 

[country woman]

You need to set guide lines. but thats tricky sometimes. I was in a situation where my friend and i went out for coffee and some people thought we were dating. to make a long story short we hardly talk any more.

 

[Jenster]

That is tricky, country woman. Sounds like that was quite a lesson to learn. I heard that some people will think you're friends until you say you're more than that, while other people think you're dating unless you say you're not. No wonder we get confused!

 

[covenant914]

It seems to me that too much emphasis is being placed on "the talk" being before the first date.

It seems to me that it places too much pressure on the first date.

Now, I can understand that if 2 people have known each other well for any length of time (co-workers, for example) setting some sort of boundaries - but if an invitation out is a prelude to "possible romance" I do not see the benefit of a talk beforehand.

Now, if "only friends," maybe a talk is necessary.

Almost all of my first dates are full of possibilities. That is what makes them exciting. I generally know the women casually - but not well - and the first date is the first step in trying to get to know them well.

Any first date talk would ruin it.

I go in with no expectations and few rules (mutual respect, etc).

I met a woman at the bookstore last week. We had coffee there, and went to dinner 2 nights later. Discovered that we had little in common (except that we both she was gorgeous!).

No expectations, good dinner and good bye.

My advice, relax and have fun on dates.