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Christian Forums Welcome Center
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Greetings! Life has been hard, especially with faith.
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<blockquote data-quote="ReuleauxMan" data-source="post: 75664170" data-attributes="member: 432487"><p>Thanks for the warm welcome yall <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> !</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I admit this feels like a point of confusion for me a bit, but this sounds very well said <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> . I've been blessed to have a kind spirit in me from early childhood, while many of my peers were busy bullying and taunting me and each other. From wherever I was at spiritually, I've had to understand what it means for the old man to die away and for the new creation in Christ to come in. Even though I was doing my best as pre-Christian to do all the good works I could do, I still felt very frustrated when others taunted me, so definitely there was stuff in my spirit that had to pass away and new stuff to be added. I'm not sure where I am supposed to go spiritually from here, whether I should keep anything from my old self that I feel was good (and let it be transformed into goodness for Christ instead of being goodness for self if I understand correctly), except prioritizing making sure the bad from it like the bitter root that was in my heart doesn't regenerate. </p><p></p><p>I need to admit that bitterness started really becoming a problem for me after I had formally been baptized and accepted Christ, after when mental illness started incapacitating me more and I had time to dwell on my thoughts and the past, and I've had to re-dedicate/re-commit/re-surrender myself to Christ at least a couple of times to be sure that I had actually accepted Christ and the Holy Spirit. This left/leaves me wondering sometimes if I had/have really been saved and really am being regenerated by the Holy Spirit. On and off I've struggled with alternating moods of complete peace with God and deep bitterness in a bi-polar/borderline personality disorder type fashion. It has been a few days since I've felt the specter of resentment and bitterness come about again, and each time I hope it never returns, until it does and I end up feeling again that all my love for God is empty and groundless against what seem to be true feelings of resentment. </p><p></p><p>What I've written in my first post here emphasizes for myself that I really don't want to lose grasp of that precious love and forgiveness I had when I was younger even amidst all the trials and tribulations, so hopefully if the bitterness in me tries to come back then I will be ready and determined to dissolve it any time those bitter thoughts come back. But should I be looking to my younger self's personality for inspiration of the love and kindness I am capable of, or is that the old man talking and I need to completely disregard him in favor of this new, regenerated self from Christ that maybe I still haven't found yet so don't know what it is like. I can't be positive whether I have the Holy Spirit in me or not after all the bitterness, even towards God, that I've had even after my last re-submission to Christ.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again for the response <span style="font-size: 15px"><strong><a href="https://www.christianforums.com/members/llewelyn-stevenson.377084/" target="_blank">Llewelyn Stevenson</a> <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />!</strong></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ReuleauxMan, post: 75664170, member: 432487"] Thanks for the warm welcome yall :) ! I admit this feels like a point of confusion for me a bit, but this sounds very well said :) . I've been blessed to have a kind spirit in me from early childhood, while many of my peers were busy bullying and taunting me and each other. From wherever I was at spiritually, I've had to understand what it means for the old man to die away and for the new creation in Christ to come in. Even though I was doing my best as pre-Christian to do all the good works I could do, I still felt very frustrated when others taunted me, so definitely there was stuff in my spirit that had to pass away and new stuff to be added. I'm not sure where I am supposed to go spiritually from here, whether I should keep anything from my old self that I feel was good (and let it be transformed into goodness for Christ instead of being goodness for self if I understand correctly), except prioritizing making sure the bad from it like the bitter root that was in my heart doesn't regenerate. I need to admit that bitterness started really becoming a problem for me after I had formally been baptized and accepted Christ, after when mental illness started incapacitating me more and I had time to dwell on my thoughts and the past, and I've had to re-dedicate/re-commit/re-surrender myself to Christ at least a couple of times to be sure that I had actually accepted Christ and the Holy Spirit. This left/leaves me wondering sometimes if I had/have really been saved and really am being regenerated by the Holy Spirit. On and off I've struggled with alternating moods of complete peace with God and deep bitterness in a bi-polar/borderline personality disorder type fashion. It has been a few days since I've felt the specter of resentment and bitterness come about again, and each time I hope it never returns, until it does and I end up feeling again that all my love for God is empty and groundless against what seem to be true feelings of resentment. What I've written in my first post here emphasizes for myself that I really don't want to lose grasp of that precious love and forgiveness I had when I was younger even amidst all the trials and tribulations, so hopefully if the bitterness in me tries to come back then I will be ready and determined to dissolve it any time those bitter thoughts come back. But should I be looking to my younger self's personality for inspiration of the love and kindness I am capable of, or is that the old man talking and I need to completely disregard him in favor of this new, regenerated self from Christ that maybe I still haven't found yet so don't know what it is like. I can't be positive whether I have the Holy Spirit in me or not after all the bitterness, even towards God, that I've had even after my last re-submission to Christ. Thanks again for the response [SIZE=4][B][URL='https://www.christianforums.com/members/llewelyn-stevenson.377084/']Llewelyn Stevenson[/URL] :)![/B][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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