got served divorce papers today

[psalms66]

I am still in shock over this. He signed them before he even moved out, which was a surprise to me.... I was looking at his signature and noticed the date. This is the 2nd time he has done this in a year... guess I better just except it eh?

At this point I don't want to believe God to restore my marriage. It was a fake - a sham - he had cheated, was an angry controlling person to live with. My life was like walking on eggshells and the children have told me repeatedly that they are glad he moved on. HOw sad is that... but still.

Why did it feel like a bucket of ice water thrown on me when that deputy drove up to hand them to me??? It hurts... I can NOT see myself single at all. I jsut can't. My calling is to be a wife and mother. This hurts... again... I'm tired of crying - and rteally I haven't much this time but still. It's an angry hurt that I could be so naive and stupid as to believe he had changed/was trying to change and work as hard on our relationship as I was.

I am loney. Very lonely... I do not have the gift of celibacy but it has been forced upon me so I wait. And cry... and hold my children.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Ouch!
What a painful and hurtful thing to experience.
God loves you and really does have a plan for you.
I'm still trying to find out what that is for me...... it's ok to feel lost, alone and to question your calling. It must feel like everything you thought "should be" has crumbled. You can be called to be something / anything for a season too. It doesn't necessarily mean that a calling or your feelings about that define completely who you are.
First and foremost you are a child of God, saved by grace. His grace will never leave or forsake you. Those we trust and love may fail us or leave us but He never will.
You will always be a mother/daughter/sister etc. You are loved and He will see you through until you are made complete in Him.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Indeed. What is important is your own identity.

 

[psalms66]

and what exactly IS that identity? I know I am a mother, a sister, a daughter. But I got married when I was 18 years old and went from a very controlling father to a very controlling husband. I didn't know who I was yet - I had dreams, I had visions... all of which were promptly stomped out and down by my new husband. It is so very hard to see that God has a plan for me when I don't see who I really am yet.

I am reading an AWESOME book - I have cried my way through most of it because it is so poignant - Captivating by Eldridge (the same author of Wild At HEart). It has opened my eyes to the lies I have believed about myself. Lies from the Enemy. And it has helped me release my husband from some of the anger and hurt I felt towards him for these 15 years of, well... h*ll on earth.

I want to go on in Christ - I really do. A week ago I didn't feel that way but today I have felt such a healing taking place in my soul. The problem now lies in maintaining my purity before Him as I wait for His leading on whether to remarry someday.

Some of you are thinking, "Oh! Too soon!" BUt I have been left and (he has tried to) divorce me so many times that I have faced the reality of this happening for many years. And I know that I was not called to be single forever.

Celibacy is a "gift" and I do not possess it. THough I realize I will have to for however long it takes... it is still HARD and no one wants to talk about it either, which doesn't help.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

I want to go on in Christ - I really do. A week ago I didn't feel that way but today I have felt such a healing taking place in my soul. The problem now lies in maintaining my purity before Him as I wait for His leading on whether to remarry someday.

Some of you are thinking, "Oh! Too soon!" BUt I have been left and (he has tried to) divorce me so many times that I have faced the reality of this happening for many years. And I know that I was not called to be single forever.

Celibacy is a "gift" and I do not possess it. THough I realize I will have to for however long it takes... it is still HARD and no one wants to talk about it either, which doesn't help.

I'm glad you have some hope in the Lord.
I think I can see where you're heading (in thought and feeling) in regards to celibacy. When you say no wants to talk about it who is the "nobody" you refer to? Friends, family clergy?
I'm POSITIVE it's something most of us reading and posting in this forum have had to consider at least.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Agreed. In terms of identity, I was not patronising you. I met my ex at 19 and have been with her for 10 years and am now a single dad with 4 kids.

I do not say "your identity is most important" flippantly. It is what I am realising, is all. So, no offence, k?

 

[psalms66]

oh no offense taken. None at all flandidly... (love that name btw - makes me smile). I didn't take it that way at all. I realize now after re-reading my reply that it did come off abit frustrated in it's tone. Now it's MY turn to apologize.

As for the celabacy. Yeah - no one wants to talk about it. It's all out there for the teens who have thier virginity, are waiting for the Lord to lead them to their marriage partners. But what if you're like me? Like us? What is ok? Sex outside of marriage isn't - I know that, but if thinking is as bad as doing then what about the other thing? self-pelasure (good grief I am SO blushing as I type this). golly....

Clergy doesn't want to talk about it, friends, family - nope. There aren't any books out there that I can find. The word says to be married rather than burn with lust so? I guess I"m just frustrated.... really reeeeeally frustrated at this point... LOL

 

[brokenman]

These are the times you have to rely on God so so so much. Ask him to contain your feelings. Someone out there, somone Godly, will talk about it. You just have to find them, more importantly seek the counsel.

Frustration, that seems to be a going thing around here. But God is BIG, bigger then all of this, but he loves us all individually in our own ways.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

I may be going out on a limb here but...
I think that unless you have the ability or whatever
to be celibate (sp?) that meeting your own needs
biologically is a valid outlet as opposed to sleeping
around or going crazy.
I understand that thats a topic of much discussion
and frankly I have no issue with it. I'm sure others
can/will add their reasons why you'll go to hell for it.
I vehemently disagree with that version of theology.

 

[madison1101]

I vividly remember that painful day. Mine came certified mail. It hurts like nothing else. The divorce being final hurt more.

I believed I did not have the gift of celibacy, but the Lord has been teaching me a great deal about Himself being my Bridegroom.

Hang on.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[psalms66]

I may be going out on a limb here but...
I think that unless you have the ability or whatever
to be celibate (sp?) that meeting your own needs
biologically is a valid outlet as opposed to sleeping
around or going crazy.
I understand that thats a topic of much discussion
and frankly I have no issue with it. I'm sure others
can/will add their reasons why you'll go to hell for it.
I vehemently disagree with that version of theology.

hehhehe... that's funny... I just wonder about it. Seriously. I wonder what is the real deal on everything. i overanalyze things though because I'm a perfectionist-wanna-be and I can't do something without firmly committing my mind to it in the knowlegde that's it's either ok or not. ANyway. thanks for the laugh. Too funny.

 

[Addy]

This is a good question! I guess all of us have different levels. Poor you, you sound like you are at your peek. I would not want you to commit adultry. If you thought of your husband while doing this, would that be a sin? I have noooo idea. I'm sure people are doing something, just not wanting to talk about it.