Got a little too physical

[annabanana1017]

My boyfriend and I are both Christians in our early twenties. We've been dating for a while and I seem to be losing my boundaries. He has 3rd base as a boundary but not a rule and the his rules are no touching and seeing (at the same time) of sexual organs and no sex of any kind (vaginal, anal, oral). When I started dating him my boundary was 2nd base but I've let that slip. His reasoning is that only sex is the sin and neither of us want that.
The last time I was with him there was heavy petting and I had my first [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] because of that. We were both shirtless and my pants and panties were down but I was underneath a sleeping bag in his car.
This was the first time that real lustful thoughts have really come into my head. I've always been a little scared of sex but in that moment I could see its appeal, I felt like for the first time my body wanted to have sex even though my mind did not.
I really like this guy and want to keep dating him but how easily my boundaries are slipping does worry me.
How can I dial things back?

 

[dayhiker]

Time to have a talk with him and ask him to honor your boundaries.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

My boyfriend and I are both Christians in our early twenties. We've been dating for a while and I seem to be losing my boundaries. He has 3rd base as a boundary but not a rule and the his rules are no touching and seeing (at the same time) of sexual organs and no sex of any kind (vaginal, anal, oral). When I started dating him my boundary was 2nd base but I've let that slip. His reasoning is that only sex is the sin and neither of us want that.
The last time I was with him there was heavy petting and I had my first [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] because of that. We were both shirtless and my pants and panties were down but I was underneath a sleeping bag in his car.
This was the first time that real lustful thoughts have really come into my head. I've always been a little scared of sex but in that moment I could see its appeal, I felt like for the first time my body wanted to have sex even though my mind did not.
I really like this guy and want to keep dating him but how easily my boundaries are slipping does worry me.
How can I dial things back?

Hi. Thanks for sharing. Sex is a difficult thing to cope with once you've gotton to know someone extremely well and maybe have a bit of sincere love for them. Plus at your age, sexual hormones are racing. Add to that, a mass media that constantly encourages you to engage in it all you like without any (alleged) consequences....and you have a recipe for potential distaster in many forms.

What to do :

1. Realize that this passage is a non negotiable with God where eternity is concerned and it talks about a lifestyle of sex which you 2 may have now entered into , or, it can become . Let this passage be a sobering awakening to both of you so it helps you stay focused :

'1 Cor. 6 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit'
.

Loosing out on eternity is an enormous consequence., so, immediately choose to repent right now . Ask God to give you both a lot of wisdom and strength.

2. Have an immediate written contract with your b/f were it both gets signed and dated. Write out what IS allowed and NOT allowed in accordance to Gods Word as the standard. Agree up front , what you will do as far as showing affection goes. Then, take this private document and give it to your closest of CHristian Friend or Your Pastor., so they can help you both stay accountable .

3. Do not get into romantic venues which greatly raise testerosterone, such as filthy movies, filthy music, or pictures. Keep the lights on in the house . Never turn them off. If you both feel like you are loosing it again, then call a time out and leave wherever you are at currently ; go immediately to a public place or with Friends.

4. Have an extended time out from seeing one another to get built up strong again. Vow if you two ever get to 3rd base, that it will be enough to terminate the relationship. You need a CHristian Man who is deep in his Christian convictions and love for Christ.

5. Consider the many other repercussions from sex and going against Gods loving moral mandates : Shame felt, distance from you and God, the b/f growing to disrespect you if you become 'easy' (and, he will) , STD's if hes been around , being a bad example for Christlikeness to others , etc....


Ill pray for you both.

 

[iambren]

You're going to have sex. I think it is unnatural to live that close to the edge and not fall off. Maybe should back up a bit;have a talk about where the level of commitment you have and the need for an informed decision about getting married.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

You're going to have sex. I think it is unnatural to live that close to the edge and not fall off..............

Im sorry, but this advice is not Christian . It is wrong to encourage Another into sexual immorality as well as other lifestyle sins. God doesn't think its 'unnatural' to live with sexual integrity and wise people purposely choose to stay from the edge because theres plenty of consequences once the edge has crumbled beneath you.

 

[iambren]

"Im sorry, but this advice is not Christian . It is wrong to encourage Another into sexual immorality"

You misread me. What I'm saying is a warning that if they stay on this same path they WILL end up having sex. NOT recommending it rather they should deal with their relationship to marry,back off,etc.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

"Im sorry, but this advice is not Christian . It is wrong to encourage Another into sexual immorality"

You misread me. What I'm saying is a warning that if they stay on this same path they WILL end up having sex. NOT recommending it rather they should deal with their relationship to marry,back off,etc.

Ok, I see the way you were addressing that now. I apologize for the error.

 

[Brianlear]

I will state the ever unpopular / uncomfortable truth that we were never designed to wait long periods of time to have sex. Back in the day, people courted for weeks, not months or years. You're losing your boundaries because you weren't designed to hold them up for so long. If you guys have not discussed marriage yet, and are not too serious, then yes you are clearly going over boundaries. However, if you are basically already committed to each other, engaged to be married, then I think you are in a different situation. You are burning with sexual desire, and yes God did give you that gift. Why not get married sooner rather than later? The Bible comes down very strongly against fornication, but has virtually nothing to say about the peculiar modern day situation many couples find themselves in...a long drawn out courtship with no definite end in sight. I can think of no worse situation to be in, particularly for a man.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I will state the ever unpopular / uncomfortable truth that we were never designed to wait long periods of time to have sex. Back in the day, people courted for weeks, not months or years. You're losing your boundaries because you weren't designed to hold them up for so long. If you guys have not discussed marriage yet, and are not too serious, then yes you are clearly going over boundaries. However, if you are basically already committed to each other, engaged to be married, then I think you are in a different situation. You are burning with sexual desire, and yes God did give you that gift. Why not get married sooner rather than later? The Bible comes down very strongly against fornication, but has virtually nothing to say about the peculiar modern day situation many couples find themselves in...a long drawn out courtship with no definite end in sight. I can think of no worse situation to be in, particularly for a man.

'Burning with sexual desire' is not a good barometer for choosing someone for the rest of your life. The Bible indicates two people should get married if they experience this, but, not to the exclusion of sound , objective , careful mate selection. A strong sexual attraction for each other is mandatory , but, it is only one part of the whole equation when it comes to making the HUGE decision of who to marry for life.

Until a proper objective analysis is had, it would behoove two people to find ways to lessen or maintain the sexual attraction without going into premarital sex and it can typically be handled with both making up a firm plan of boundaries. The wedding night is when you are to unleash all that pent up sexual energy and never before , for, it will cloud your decision making ability in a tremendous way if you bind yourselves thru sex before marriage.

 

[Ladybarker86]

Put your shirt back on, that alone is teasing him and he's going to want more and push you into wanting it too. You might be even teasing yourself. His mouth might say one thing but his genitals & actions are going to say another, not allowing him to think straight, until it's too late.

 

[Wagonmaker]

My boyfriend and I are both Christians in our early twenties. We've been dating for a while and I seem to be losing my boundaries. He has 3rd base as a boundary but not a rule and the his rules are no touching and seeing (at the same time) of sexual organs and no sex of any kind (vaginal, anal, oral). When I started dating him my boundary was 2nd base but I've let that slip. His reasoning is that only sex is the sin and neither of us want that.
The last time I was with him there was heavy petting and I had my first [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] because of that. We were both shirtless and my pants and panties were down but I was underneath a sleeping bag in his car.
This was the first time that real lustful thoughts have really come into my head. I've always been a little scared of sex but in that moment I could see its appeal, I felt like for the first time my body wanted to have sex even though my mind did not.
I really like this guy and want to keep dating him but how easily my boundaries are slipping does worry me.
How can I dial things back?

Girl, you opened pandora's box. After [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], you've built neurons. This is a biological issue. Don't beat yourself up spiritually. You're okay. God loves you.

 

[Geforcefly1]

I know I've gone beyond what is completely pure. However, I do have 3 hard boundaries that I will not (or allow her to) cross with my long distance GF of 4 years (who I see 4-5 times a year, 2 weeks at a time). I'm not interested in crossing those boundaries because I would feel so bad and guilty and feel like I've made the worst mistake of my life, at least until certain conditions are met. One of those boundaries would come down upon a successful proposal, and everything would be unlocked upon marriage. A few people (including my Mom) would like me to feel it's like going all the way beforehand, but I know in my heart that it's NOT a good idea to do this to anyone who is not my wife. Until the boundaries are brought down by conditions being met, I will refuse to breach them. It's for my own (and my GF's) good.