Good comes to those who wait

[AussiePat83]

Hi All,

I just wanted to post this as an encouragement to those who are going through a rough time in marriage, especially because of an affair.

I am 29 years old and have been married for 2 years. My wife started an affair 9 months into our marriage and I caught her 12 months ago. Since that day I/we have gone to hell and back and to say it was hard was an understatement. I wanted to make it work and at the beginning my wife wanted to leave me for her lover.

I ran to God and made him the centre of my life and put my trust and strength in him. He rescued me and held me up. He fought my battles for me. He showed me that what he puts together let no man seperate.

My wife for the first 9 months after been caught was a mess and could not commit to our marriage. She didnt end up leaving me for the other, but she had issues getting over him and moving on. She gave me nothing to stay for and I could have left very easily. But I chose to stay and fight for my marriage. I kept my eyes on God and not my circumstances and he brought my wife back into my arms.

We have been seperated 5 months now, but for the last 2 months my wife has been fighting for me and God has changed our perspectives and helped us change and now we are moving back in together with a new perspective and a fresh start.

It hasn't been easy, and there have been many many times where I have wanted to give up. Not just on my marriage, but on life. But each time, Jesus came to the rescue and turned my situation around.

I just want to encourage those right now who are going through a terrible time and dont feel hope or dont know what to think or what to do. Please keep your eyes on Jesus. Sometimes, all you need to do is stand. Let Jesus do the fighting and you just stand your ground.

Feel free to pm me if you want to have more discussions and i'd be more then happy to hear your story and pray and be there for you too!

Patty

 

[young@heart]

Fantastic to hear encouraging testimonies, may God bless you both

 

[Christianguy1960]

Glad to hear your wife is able to reconcile with you after fighting for your marriage. I am in the same situation except my wife still has a man in her life that she will be moving in with along with my 2 daughters. I have fought now for 5 years to save my marriage but now we are separating at the end of the month and I will go through a time of desolation with her, but a time to renew my love, and faith in Jesus Christ and to hang on to all I have for my girls who are ages 5 and 11. I like what you said about that what God joined together let no man seperate in Mark 10:9. It is sad that another man can get between me and my family. So I do understand the hell you went through because I too have experienced her unfaithfulness in my life. Yes, God will handle that part as I have been through this before and still chose to fight for what God gave me 13 years ago. Please pray for me and my wife that she will return to the heart of God which is the most important thing for her right now. Thanks and I know that prayer does change things and it is ONLY by prayer that my marriage will be restored. Take care AussiePat83

 

[look4hope]

Aussie, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for posting such hopeful post. I'm not going through a divorce and hopefully it doesn't end that way but I am going through hard times in my marriage which I just posted about here.

Many many blessings for you and your wife.

Jenny

 

[look4hope]

. I have fought now for 5 years to save my marriage but now we are separating at the end of the month and I will go through a time of desolation with her, but a time to renew my love, and faith in Jesus Christ and to hang on to all I have for my girls who are ages 5 and 11

Christianguy, I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this. Please stay strong and know that a stranger(me) is sending prayers your way.

 

[Christianguy1960]

Hi there look4hope,

You know, we can all take a peek back and say wish I hadn't had done that or said this and yet we know we can never change the mistakes we made then. Thanks to God he is a God of second chances. He never gives up on us because he remains faithful even when we have been unfaithful to him. Thanks you very much for the prayers as I know it's the best thing we can do for one another. Prayer changes lives and restores broken marriages. I'm not divorced yet either and I choose not to because his word tells us husbands not to divorce your wife, even though she has become unfaithful to me, I do look after the interest of my girls to keep a family together. It's not my choice though so I will accept whatever is given to me and still find joy through the valley of my trials and storms of life. I will also pray for your marriage because as I always say it isn't over yet. Blessings on you and your family.

 

[Confused2013]

I just want to encourage those right now who are going through a terrible time and dont feel hope or dont know what to think or what to do. Please keep your eyes on Jesus. Sometimes, all you need to do is stand. Let Jesus do the fighting and you just stand your ground.

I want to thank you for the encouraging words. I am new to this forum and am realizing that I am not the only one going through a difficult time. This year was our 25th anniversary. We are both Christians. About a month ago my wife said she had to talk to me and in an emotional out burst she said that she had been seeing someone else for about 2 months. She said that she believed that our marriage had been passionless for years and that she could not face another 25 years like that. She said that she thought that I did not love her and was actually surprised that I was upset because she thought that we were living separate lives and that it wouldn't matter to me. She said that I took her for granted and that, even though she asked, I never made her feel special or told her she was beautiful. She said that she had been sad and lonely for years. I immediately told her that I loved her deeply and didn't want to lose her and knew that I struggled with emotionally detachment. She said that she was on the verge of leaving but did not after she talked to two Christians friends that encouraged her to tell me about it and to try to work things out.

I admit that I fell into the trap of believing that because I provided for her and was always there and did all the cooking and grocery shopping and yard work that was my way of showing her I loved her. We did not have relations regularly (maybe 8-12 times per year). We have three older children (late teens) and I felt that our sex life suffered because of having children around and that whenever we went somewhere and stayed in a Hotel we were passionate and there still seemed to be a spark. It floored me that things had gotten that bad for her, but she never talked to me about it over the years. I certainly would have gone to counseling to figure things out. Porn was one of the factors. She still does not know this. I always felt guilty for it and prayed about it but it had it's claws in me and when I managed to stop for a few weeks out sex life improved, so I know that ultimately I drove her away but I (and all her Christian friends) believe she crossed the line with the affair before addressing it with me.

Currently we are still together and are really getting along great. We are very supportive of each other and spend a lot of time together. But now she is the one who is emotionally detached. I feel like her friend because she will not return affection and sleeps with her back to me and will not be intimate at all. She will not say she loves me. She said that she knows t is confusing for me but that spending time together and getting along and having fun have never been a problem for us.

She has realized that there is more to this. We have identified that depression and hormones are playing a role. Whenever I try to discuss it with her she is overcome with anxiety and attacks of panic. She has not apologized or shown any remorse for what she did and has said that she doesn't need to because in her mind she was not really married anymore (it was just apiece of paper) plus she has drifted away from her faith and says she's not sure what she believes anymore. She has agreed to counseling but has dragged her feet because she doesn't want to go to the Christian Counselor suggested by our Pastor. She has not specifically said that she wants to reconcile with me only that we need to start with personal counseling for our individual issues and see where it goes from there. As I said we are getting along great on the surface but she will not discuss her feelings and thoughts with me (because I believe she thinks it will hurt me more and make things worse) so we just sort of act like everything is "normal" as much as possible. I believe she broke off the affair and is simply a period of self-discovery after 20 years of raising a family. She did let a few things slip such as believing that I am "a good man" but that that is not enough and that she would have moved out if not for finances (she does not have a job) and the kids and that she felt something (in the affair, which she said was mostly sitting in the car talking) that she had not felt in 20 years. My gut feeling is that she simply is not sure if she has it left in her to try to love me again after feeling hurt and ignored for all those years. I have just discovered the book Languages of Love and now realize that I was not sensitive to her emotional needs. Anyway I am feeling terrible hurt and loneliness and just have to be grateful that she is still here and that we are getting along. I am stating to realize that this will take a long time to resolve. It's funny that she is the one who had the affair but I am the one doing all the apologizing and talking and trying to patch things up. She is in this really independent phase and is simply refusing to open her heart a crack. I realize all I can do is wait, be supportive, show her I love her and give her space to sort things out. Thankful I found this forum. Bless you all!

 

[dmorris395]

I wanted to thank everyone in this thread for your testimony. Confused2013, I'm right there with you with realizing emotional detachment when it's too late, for me apparently.
I had a tough heart to heart talk with my ex wife tonight. It seems that the chances of us getting back together are slipping away.

I'm sure you can read my prior posts to hear my story. I'll try to recap, but I tend to get long winded. We were together 12 years, married for 6. We had a lot of growing pains the first few years of our marriage, but the last were great, so I thought. Last summer, my wife comes home from work and says that she's bummed out about everything and shuts down from me. Last October, we tried christian marriage counseling. I come from a very overprotective and opinionated family, especially my mother. My mother was very critical of my wife, and I didn't really do any thing about it early on. However, I learned to defend my wife and our marriage, it was too little too late. Last October, she came in from work and told me she was leaving. We were just going to remain separated for the time being, but she came to me and said she wanted a divorce so she could meet the financial requirements for a home loan she was applying for. So I agreed. All of this time we talked as if, one day, we would try to get back together when she felt the time was right (of course, I knew there is never a right time, but a conscious choice).

We didn't tell anyone we were divorced. We even kept our marriage status on Facebook. I spent two months in Philadelphia for a summer semester at grad school and have just returned. While I was gone, she removed her marriage status. I tried to not let that bother me. I fight real hard to not let my emotions be ruled by posts on social media. About a month ago, she posted that she was on a date with a guy. Here again, I tried to not let it bother me until I heard from her. I unfriended her on FB so I wouldn't see what she's up to. I totally understand that she is within her right to date.

Tonight, it was brought to my attention by a friend that she went out with the guy again this past weekend. I couldn't stand it no more. I asked her to come by so we could talk (I'm visually impaired and can't drive). She wanted to know why so we basically had the talk via text message.

She told me that she didn't bring the guy up because it's early and she doesn't know if she likes him. She said that we wouldn't get back together right now anyway because neither one of us is ready.

I told her that there will never be a perfect day for us to try to work it out. It will come down to a choice. I told her that I feel like I'm waiting for a day that will never come. I said that I want to fight for her heart and show her that I am learning to be the christian husband that continues to pursue her and make her feel loved everyday.

She responded by saying if it's meant to be, the LORD will put me back in her life and leave no question in her mind that I'm the one. She says she doesn't feel that way right now, but that it has nothing to do with another guy. She said 12 years of problems can't be fixed in a few months.

She concluded by saying that she doesn't know what she wants right now. She's going to see where it goes with this new guy, if anywhere. He's the only other guy she's dated besides me. We were each other's first relationship, and she is nine years younger than me.

I told her that I understand and that she has my phone number. I won't pester her anymore. I apologized again for how things turned out and told her that she was my best friend and will always be the love of my life whom I chose to spend my life with.

I want to run away somewhere, but I have nowhere to go.

I want to fight for her, but I don't think she wants me to.

My only other option is to leave it alone.

AussiePat83, you talked a lot in the beginning about letting the Lord do all of the work. I know that's what I should do, but I feel like I should do more, but that would just drive her away.

I just wanted to talk. I can't talk to my family because they're too subjective. In their mind, it's all her fault.

This thread was very encouraging and I will continue to pray for you all.

We've been apart for ten months but it seems so fresh and raw now.

Thanks again