- Feb 1, 2018
- 34
- 36
- 29
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
There have been a lot of struggles I have gone through, and many I am still going through. When I first believed, it was out of fear and pleading that He would forgive me and change me. I didn't truly want it, but I was so terrified of Him I begged for forgiveness and for Him to change me to want Him. I then was baptized, because it was what you are supposed to do when you believe and I was encouraged by others. However, I noticed there was this half-commitment. I didn't want to live in sin anymore, but I did not fully understand that it was a relationship with Him.
Que a few years of going back and forth between falling into sin, coming back, falling into even more serious sin, coming back. Eventually, I fell so low last year. I felt so ashamed of who I became, and in the beginning I feel there was a lot of worldly sorrow. And I turned to God and asked for forgiveness and that He would change me.
After that, a seed was planted in me. I didn't want to go back to my old life. I didn't want to go back and forth in faith anymore. But I had a major problem: I couldn't bring myself to surrender fully to the Lord. I tried to will up all my willpower and focus and surrender myself, but I couldn't. I probably prayed to surrender to and re-accept Jesus 2-10 times a day, because my heart was divided. I kept trying to change it, and force myself to change and convert. Because I've heard of all the testimonies of people being enlightened and fully surrendering and accepting Him 100% and leaving their old life behind completely, and I couldn't. It felt like I had to force myself and I kept praying and praying and forcing myself to believe in Him.
And I realized a large motivator of this was out of fear. Out of fear of punishment. Out of fear that He hates me. I was unsure of Him, and it got to the point where it felt like I had no other option but to repent or perish like both options were bad. I found in my heart that I couldn't desire salvation. There is part of me that rises up and thinks "NOPE don't want to be saved and be new."
But I desperately wanted to. And yet, through it all there was this small part of me that never gave up. That truly sought after Him. I was drowning in a FALSE image of Him I had made throughout my past years of half-hearted commitment. I kept trying to fully commit to this false image of Him I had in my mind. So then I felt like I had to repent of this and tried to do it all on my own again. When I sought Him it felt like my entire being was wanting to run away. But there is this part of me in my soul that fights against that. That desperately fights to know and love Him. Many times I have thoughts like "it's easier to give up. This isn't want you truly want. You'll never change. You're too self-deceived. Look at other believers- they get to easily believe, rest, and enjoy life." I found an old problem arising- me being jealous of others walking with the Lord. I realize a lot of it was based on them choosing the Lord. In the past I was half-hearted and evilly thought "oh they choose God and get life how nice for them." But, I noticed something different. In my soul I said "no, it's great and amazing they are growing in God. I will not hate them."
And in my soul, I said no. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to surrender. I realized my flesh is at FULL FORCE. The closer I get to Christ, the more these feelings of apathy, hostility towards Him arise. Yet, I have found Christ more desirable than ever. I have started reading the word more and consistently, I have been plugging into fellowship (I rarely was connected in the past). All these fears, these thoughts, these lies, all this garbage throughout the years from my poor decisions have been compiling.
And I was relying on my own power to change it.
I thought "how can I even turn to Christ when my heart is divided and I can't get all of me to accept Him?" One moment I fully accept, the next I fall out and have to fight and force myself to go back to that state. But then I thought of the Scriptures.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;" - Isaiah 42:3
"for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."" - Romans 10:13
"All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away." - John 6:37
My love for Him is too weak, how could He care about me?
"A smoldering wick he will not snuff out."
But my entire being rise up against me and runs from Him when I try to seek Him
"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away"
But I can't get myself to 100% no-doubt all-in fully accept Him
"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away"
I realized that Jesus accepts me as I am. I don't have to change my heart before coming to Him. He heard me the first time I asked.
I realized my unwillingness to fully let go and surrender to Him was because of my false image of Him; I had an image that didn't see Him of worth it. When I realized that, I panicked and tried to change myself again, but I realized that is in vain. And I learned an important piece of truth:
Go to Christ, and let Him change me.
I can't change me, it's the Holy Spirit. Also, the fact that the part of me that holds on and is fighting is even in me, is because of Him. No one can come to Him unless the Father draws Him. Thus, God is working in my life. And I HATE how sometimes when I pray it feels like my flesh rises up and wants to push Him away, reject Him, and hate Him. But I am realizing those feelings, those thoughts that creep up don't define me. I'm don't actually hate Him, I am not turning to sin as a form of rebellion to Him.
I was struggling with surrender, and I learned that it is through the Holy Spirit this happens. There was a blog and post on "Got Questions" that revealed this to me. I have been relying on myself. It got to the point where in my heart, feelings-wise it felt like I didn't want salvation. It was as if as soon as I go "I can rest in Christ and He will live in and through me!" my heart goes "NO, who cares about salvation it's fine going to Hell if it means not surrendering to Him." And I kept trying to change everything on my own. And I felt that if I were to go to Him, he would reject me because of these feelings. But He says all who come He will not reject. I'm not looking for a half-hearted walk, to "sneak" my way through the narrow gate. I'm afraid of letting it all go. But I learned that surrender doesn't happen in a day, it happens in a lifetime. It's a lifetime of continually surrendering. Literally, I was getting chest pain and an insane amount of stress trying to surrender everything at once. But I realized, since I have attempted this a literal (no joke, literally at least this much) 100+ times, and nothing changed, that's not God's way of doing it. God gives us a spirit of love, not fear. And I was fearful in surrender.
So instead, with all my fears, with all my desire for Him, with all my half-commitment, will all my worries, with all my doubts, with everything good and bad, I just prayed "Jesus, please show me who you really are. I don't want to follow an Idol- not a hateful, overlord version of you nor a cookie-cutter version. I want you. I want to want you, and I can't change my heart. I am so lost and afraid to commit 100%. But you demand it all. Please change my heart and lead me on the path of full surrender. Please renew my mind and break away all lies and understand and know that you are infinitely worthy of everything and all commitment. I will seek you, help me seek you with all my heart. I will seek you every day, every hour, every minute. I fall so short. But your word says your grace covers me. Please humble me and give me eyes to see you for you, so that I may love you and surrender WITH JOY. Thank you for all you have done. I confess all my sins, fears, worries, desire to hold on, and I pray that you will change me and teach me how to live for you now. I don't ever want to leave you. Please give me a heart that never ceases to follow, for on my own I can't will up unending dedication. But I desire that and pray for it. Thank you for all you have done and all you are doing."
He never let me go. He gave me a Church family, and I have been plugged in and consistently go to fellowship- the most consistent I have in my life. And I love it. I am not living in a life dominated by sin like I used to. I feel these desires come up, and sometimes they are almost overwhelming, but I have found grace and not been consumed by them, and turn them over to Him. I am am still clogged with a lot of garbage from my past, but He is leading me. Even when my heart condemns me. Even when I have to struggle to do His will.
I used to think I have to get all my trust and willpower together in a little ball, maintain it, and hand it to Him and accept Him and then He would save me. I am so amazed that He is willing to save me even when my heart is completely divided in two- even when there are times that it feels like the sinful side is winning. Not that I am giving in and leading a life of sin, but that my being sometimes feels like it entirely rejects Him but I just pray "please don't go. Please don't allow me to reject you." I'd say that's my biggest fear, rejecting Him. Sometimes it feels like my being does, but I can't live by feelings but by His word. I've always worried I am doing something wrong, because I hear others being filled with joy and peace and think I need those experiences always to be in Him. But I've learned to not seek after feelings. Sometimes I have short moments of strong peace, other times joy, and they are far and few between and fast fleeting, but I thank the Lord for those moments, and thank Him even in the moments where I don't feel it. I just wanted to share and praise God for what He is doing in my life and not letting me go.
Que a few years of going back and forth between falling into sin, coming back, falling into even more serious sin, coming back. Eventually, I fell so low last year. I felt so ashamed of who I became, and in the beginning I feel there was a lot of worldly sorrow. And I turned to God and asked for forgiveness and that He would change me.
After that, a seed was planted in me. I didn't want to go back to my old life. I didn't want to go back and forth in faith anymore. But I had a major problem: I couldn't bring myself to surrender fully to the Lord. I tried to will up all my willpower and focus and surrender myself, but I couldn't. I probably prayed to surrender to and re-accept Jesus 2-10 times a day, because my heart was divided. I kept trying to change it, and force myself to change and convert. Because I've heard of all the testimonies of people being enlightened and fully surrendering and accepting Him 100% and leaving their old life behind completely, and I couldn't. It felt like I had to force myself and I kept praying and praying and forcing myself to believe in Him.
And I realized a large motivator of this was out of fear. Out of fear of punishment. Out of fear that He hates me. I was unsure of Him, and it got to the point where it felt like I had no other option but to repent or perish like both options were bad. I found in my heart that I couldn't desire salvation. There is part of me that rises up and thinks "NOPE don't want to be saved and be new."
But I desperately wanted to. And yet, through it all there was this small part of me that never gave up. That truly sought after Him. I was drowning in a FALSE image of Him I had made throughout my past years of half-hearted commitment. I kept trying to fully commit to this false image of Him I had in my mind. So then I felt like I had to repent of this and tried to do it all on my own again. When I sought Him it felt like my entire being was wanting to run away. But there is this part of me in my soul that fights against that. That desperately fights to know and love Him. Many times I have thoughts like "it's easier to give up. This isn't want you truly want. You'll never change. You're too self-deceived. Look at other believers- they get to easily believe, rest, and enjoy life." I found an old problem arising- me being jealous of others walking with the Lord. I realize a lot of it was based on them choosing the Lord. In the past I was half-hearted and evilly thought "oh they choose God and get life how nice for them." But, I noticed something different. In my soul I said "no, it's great and amazing they are growing in God. I will not hate them."
And in my soul, I said no. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to surrender. I realized my flesh is at FULL FORCE. The closer I get to Christ, the more these feelings of apathy, hostility towards Him arise. Yet, I have found Christ more desirable than ever. I have started reading the word more and consistently, I have been plugging into fellowship (I rarely was connected in the past). All these fears, these thoughts, these lies, all this garbage throughout the years from my poor decisions have been compiling.
And I was relying on my own power to change it.
I thought "how can I even turn to Christ when my heart is divided and I can't get all of me to accept Him?" One moment I fully accept, the next I fall out and have to fight and force myself to go back to that state. But then I thought of the Scriptures.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;" - Isaiah 42:3
"for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."" - Romans 10:13
"All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away." - John 6:37
My love for Him is too weak, how could He care about me?
"A smoldering wick he will not snuff out."
But my entire being rise up against me and runs from Him when I try to seek Him
"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away"
But I can't get myself to 100% no-doubt all-in fully accept Him
"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away"
I realized that Jesus accepts me as I am. I don't have to change my heart before coming to Him. He heard me the first time I asked.
I realized my unwillingness to fully let go and surrender to Him was because of my false image of Him; I had an image that didn't see Him of worth it. When I realized that, I panicked and tried to change myself again, but I realized that is in vain. And I learned an important piece of truth:
Go to Christ, and let Him change me.
I can't change me, it's the Holy Spirit. Also, the fact that the part of me that holds on and is fighting is even in me, is because of Him. No one can come to Him unless the Father draws Him. Thus, God is working in my life. And I HATE how sometimes when I pray it feels like my flesh rises up and wants to push Him away, reject Him, and hate Him. But I am realizing those feelings, those thoughts that creep up don't define me. I'm don't actually hate Him, I am not turning to sin as a form of rebellion to Him.
I was struggling with surrender, and I learned that it is through the Holy Spirit this happens. There was a blog and post on "Got Questions" that revealed this to me. I have been relying on myself. It got to the point where in my heart, feelings-wise it felt like I didn't want salvation. It was as if as soon as I go "I can rest in Christ and He will live in and through me!" my heart goes "NO, who cares about salvation it's fine going to Hell if it means not surrendering to Him." And I kept trying to change everything on my own. And I felt that if I were to go to Him, he would reject me because of these feelings. But He says all who come He will not reject. I'm not looking for a half-hearted walk, to "sneak" my way through the narrow gate. I'm afraid of letting it all go. But I learned that surrender doesn't happen in a day, it happens in a lifetime. It's a lifetime of continually surrendering. Literally, I was getting chest pain and an insane amount of stress trying to surrender everything at once. But I realized, since I have attempted this a literal (no joke, literally at least this much) 100+ times, and nothing changed, that's not God's way of doing it. God gives us a spirit of love, not fear. And I was fearful in surrender.
So instead, with all my fears, with all my desire for Him, with all my half-commitment, will all my worries, with all my doubts, with everything good and bad, I just prayed "Jesus, please show me who you really are. I don't want to follow an Idol- not a hateful, overlord version of you nor a cookie-cutter version. I want you. I want to want you, and I can't change my heart. I am so lost and afraid to commit 100%. But you demand it all. Please change my heart and lead me on the path of full surrender. Please renew my mind and break away all lies and understand and know that you are infinitely worthy of everything and all commitment. I will seek you, help me seek you with all my heart. I will seek you every day, every hour, every minute. I fall so short. But your word says your grace covers me. Please humble me and give me eyes to see you for you, so that I may love you and surrender WITH JOY. Thank you for all you have done. I confess all my sins, fears, worries, desire to hold on, and I pray that you will change me and teach me how to live for you now. I don't ever want to leave you. Please give me a heart that never ceases to follow, for on my own I can't will up unending dedication. But I desire that and pray for it. Thank you for all you have done and all you are doing."
He never let me go. He gave me a Church family, and I have been plugged in and consistently go to fellowship- the most consistent I have in my life. And I love it. I am not living in a life dominated by sin like I used to. I feel these desires come up, and sometimes they are almost overwhelming, but I have found grace and not been consumed by them, and turn them over to Him. I am am still clogged with a lot of garbage from my past, but He is leading me. Even when my heart condemns me. Even when I have to struggle to do His will.
I used to think I have to get all my trust and willpower together in a little ball, maintain it, and hand it to Him and accept Him and then He would save me. I am so amazed that He is willing to save me even when my heart is completely divided in two- even when there are times that it feels like the sinful side is winning. Not that I am giving in and leading a life of sin, but that my being sometimes feels like it entirely rejects Him but I just pray "please don't go. Please don't allow me to reject you." I'd say that's my biggest fear, rejecting Him. Sometimes it feels like my being does, but I can't live by feelings but by His word. I've always worried I am doing something wrong, because I hear others being filled with joy and peace and think I need those experiences always to be in Him. But I've learned to not seek after feelings. Sometimes I have short moments of strong peace, other times joy, and they are far and few between and fast fleeting, but I thank the Lord for those moments, and thank Him even in the moments where I don't feel it. I just wanted to share and praise God for what He is doing in my life and not letting me go.
