Getting tired

[ido]

My ex has consistently used money as a way to try and still control me since we divorced. Somehow, they messed up the amount of child support that is supposed to be garnished from his paycheck so I have never gotten the correct amount. We have been to court twice already (divorce was final in Aug '06) over this matter. The last time, we were supposed to file a modification to correct the amount being taken out. However, the paper has never been signed b/c my ex is disputing the date that the new amount was supposed to go into effect. So, he is behind AGAIN in his support payments. Also, he is supposed to pay 1/2 of all medical bills that are incurred for our kids. He has allowed one bill to go into collection (against my name since I'm the responsible party) and has flat out refused to pay half of two others because he didn't agree that our son needed medical attention (he fell at the ice skating rink and busted his mouth up pretty good).

To make matters even worse, my attorney has been swamped lately, so it's like pulling teeth to get a response out of him. I do the best I can to keep up with all of the bills and the childcare expenses, etc. But, the fact of the matter is that I just don't have enough $$ coming in because of the CS issue. I'm frustrated.

Has anyone else dealt with sort of problem? How did you address it?

Ideally, I am working towards not relying on his child support to cover any of my monthly expenses - including the boys' expenses - so that I can sock the CS away and use it for the boys for bigger things like cars someday, or college, or simply to have a nest egg when they start out in life.

 

[ido]

So, I guess I'm the only one that has CS probs? 17 people read this thread and not even one of you could at least post an encouraging word?

 

[5kidsdad]

Well, I am in a stiicky stuation, as well. I work, and she dosen't. She is going to school full time, and expects me to pay for her and the kids, and exist on a few bucks per week as I live with my family. I am getting inmfuriated that she is using my money for concert tickets, movies with her boy toy, and who knows what else, while the bills continue to go unpaid. That is affecting my credit, which sucks. I am a guy who is VOLUNTARILLY giving some money, while the legal stuffff gets ssorted out. If it was up to her, I would give her everything. So, I guess that my situation is truly different from you. I want the CS to get the stuff figured out. I want my own place to raise my kids in. So while my situation is different, I can sympathize in the fact that our mates are being ridiculoius right now, and we must pray that someone, THE SOMEONE steps in, and corrects our problems for us. I will be praying for you, I promise.

Hang in, God answers prayer. It will sometimes take patience on our part. He is faithful and just to those who seek Him, and hold fast to His promises.

God bless,

5kidsdad

 

[ido]

Thanks for the response 5KD. That's the thing that gets me about my ex...I went from being a stay-at-home mom to working full-time when I separated from him. I have never asked for more than what is fair for our kids - I didn't touch his 401K when we divorced, even though I was entitled to half of it. You would think he would want to at least pay the right amount to know that his kids are being provided for. I don't get parents like him or your STB-ex wife.

 

[kanga22]

I'm sorry, sounds like you are in a tough position. I would have responded sooner but am feeling overwhelmed with my own life right now and only surf this forum about once a week anymore.

The CS issue is one big reason why I haven't filed yet. Currently my stbx voluntarily deposits his entire paycheck into our joint account. I then proceed to pay as many bills as I can before he starts spending it on his women. I'm trying to find a full-time job right now. Unfortunately opportunities in my field are few and far between in my economically struggling state. Once I have a full-time job I should be able to pay the bills on my own.

I'm pretty sure that his "voluntary" support will stop when I file. He wants to live on the road and "date" anyone and everyone but doesn't want a divorce. So he will fight it all the way. I've been living like this for two years and I'm tired of it and don't think it's good for me or my children.

There are NO signs that he will change. He is happy and not sorry in the least about what he's done/doing to his family. When I find work, I'll feel secure to move forward with my divorce. Although, I'm considering filing before the job (because things are just that bad). We'll see.

 

[kanga22]

Well, I am in a stiicky stuation, as well. I work, and she dosen't. She is going to school full time, and expects me to pay for her and the kids, and exist on a few bucks per week as I live with my family. I am getting inmfuriated that she is using my money for concert tickets, movies with her boy toy, and who knows what else, while the bills continue to go unpaid.

I have three suggestions;

1) Spend as much time with your children as you can.

2) When you show up to get the kids, ask her for the paper bills so you can pay them yourself. Better yet, have the ones in your name sent directly to you.

3) Stop giving her money to play with.

 

[ido]

I'm sorry, sounds like you are in a tough position. I would have responded sooner but am feeling overwhelmed with my own life right now and only surf this forum about once a week anymore.

The CS issue is one big reason why I haven't filed yet. Currently my stbx voluntarily deposits his entire paycheck into our joint account. I then proceed to pay as many bills as I can before he starts spending it on his women. I'm trying to find a full-time job right now. Unfortunately opportunities in my field are few and far between in my economically struggling state. Once I have a full-time job I should be able to pay the bills on my own.

I'm pretty sure that his "voluntary" support will stop when I file. He wants to live on the road and "date" anyone and everyone but doesn't want a divorce. So he will fight it all the way. I've been living like this for two years and I'm tired of it and don't think it's good for me or my children.

There are NO signs that he will change. He is happy and not sorry in the least about what he's done/doing to his family. When I find work, I'll feel secure to move forward with my divorce. Although, I'm considering filing before the job (because things are just that bad). We'll see.

I'm sorry that you're having some problems in this area, too. I am not sure about the state laws where you are - but I know in FL you would be eligible for "bridging the gap" alimony at the very least until you could find steady, FT employment if you filed while still a SAHM. I would also highly recommend automatically garnishing his wages versus allowing him to pay you directly - that was the mistake that I made when I filed.

My ex lives with his current GF and between the two of them, they make close to 6 figures - yet he still cries broke every month. It's maddening.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I think that money issues are irritating for both sides and all over the place. I know that my ex and I are at loggerheads about money a lot. My final court date to determine alimony, c/s and property division is in 8 days, and hopefully it will be settled for me, but somehow I doubt it.

I've always paid on time, every time, yet it feels like all the time, I'm hearing "I need money for this, money for that, I only have so much money at the end after paying bills." Plus the disagreements over what is covered by c/s and what is over and above.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If the guy paid the bills before the divorce its going to take awhile before the former wife gets her financial groove on. Even then, women tend to be emotional spenders more often than men so don't expect her to stop asking for more money until you tell her no a few thousand times in a row.

As for Florida Native Girl. Call the district attorney's office yourself and explain the situation. You don't need a lawyer to get them to make your ex husband follow the rules. For some reason DA offices like to go after men who get behind on child support.

 

[TexasSky]

I've had problems with my ex in that area too, but haven't had to go to court over it yet.

Our decree stated a certain amount every month, plus reimbursement of all insurance plus 1/2 of any expense directly related to the children above and beyond the basic day to day living. In other words, if he needed new strings for his instrument, in theory, I paid 1/2 and my ex paid 1/2. He could demand a receipt if he wanted.

He whines about paying it, and sometimes it has only been paid because his own father shames into it.

I have ZERO sympathy for him. He begged God for these children, I didn't trick him into parenting. He has, in my eyes, the exact same responsibilities to his children that he had prior to the divorce. He is not divorced from his children. They are a responsibility, and that's all there is to it.

Besides, it is REALLY hard to feel sympathy for a man who makes twice what I make, and had ZERO expenses (he moved in with his parents) whining that he can't support himself when I was supporting three people on 1/2 his income. (That's 1/2 AFTER I got his child support.)

As to the issues you are having. Check your state agencies. In Texas, the State Comptroller's Office handles child support issues, and you may be able to get him jailed until he comes through.

 

[ido]

Thanks for the additional input. I am in the process of trying to figure out how to get the back support paid, so I will contact the DA's office. I will also be contacting the CSE office for FL to see if they can correct the pay schedule and amount being taken out.

Something has got to give soon or I'm going to go bonkers.

 

[5kidsdad]

Hey, just hang in and keep clinging to God. Sometimes that is all you have to hold to, and He will never fail. Remember that there are a lot of people here that are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers.

God keep you strong,

5kidsdad

 

[ido]

Yeah - it is truly by His grace alone that I've held on this long. It always amazes me how quickly I can feel uplifted just from praying over the situation.

 

[belovedflame]

My ex has not given my money for our son for about a year and before that he did not give me much, I am just grateful that I dont have to rely on him to get my bills paid, God is good. I dont know what advice to give you the rules are all different in the UK but I will pray for you and your situation.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Sadly both my ex and my dear hubby's ex have been HORRIBLE when it comes to CS. I did not ask for alimony (although I was entitled to ask) and just ask that he be ordered to support the children that he was also the parent of--but you would have thought I was asking for his teeth! Literally every month he would wait until the very last second to pay before being in contempt. And for years until the divorce was final he didn't pay a DIME--his exact words were, "I'm not giving you a dime until I'm forced to" so I went for back support. UGH they gave him two years to pay off the two years he owed me! And all that time we had to survive with nothing.

My dear hubby's ex is even worse. She left him with the kids and I mean TOOK OFF. She visits them maybe once-a-month and will buy them some clothes or take them out when she has them--but otherwise she has never paid a dime either! And she is in a lucrative career!

Personally it upsets me that people think they can just "walk away" from their children because they have a crush on someone. And excuse me--if I were going with a man who had "walked away" from his kids I'd drop him like a hot potatoe because that means he'll do the same to me!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I've had problems with my ex in that area too, but haven't had to go to court over it yet.

Our decree stated a certain amount every month, plus reimbursement of all insurance plus 1/2 of any expense directly related to the children above and beyond the basic day to day living. In other words, if he needed new strings for his instrument, in theory, I paid 1/2 and my ex paid 1/2. He could demand a receipt if he wanted.

He whines about paying it, and sometimes it has only been paid because his own father shames into it.

I have ZERO sympathy for him. He begged God for these children, I didn't trick him into parenting. He has, in my eyes, the exact same responsibilities to his children that he had prior to the divorce. He is not divorced from his children. They are a responsibility, and that's all there is to it.

Besides, it is REALLY hard to feel sympathy for a man who makes twice what I make, and had ZERO expenses (he moved in with his parents) whining that he can't support himself when I was supporting three people on 1/2 his income. (That's 1/2 AFTER I got his child support.)

As to the issues you are having. Check your state agencies. In Texas, the State Comptroller's Office handles child support issues, and you may be able to get him jailed until he comes through.

That's the biggest argument I have with my ex - she wants to make so many things "over and above daily living." School supplies - over and above. School clothes - over and above. Ticket to homecoming - over and above. Each time I ask friends (single mothers with custody) and they always say - "nope - she needs to pay that!" But I relent and pay because then my kids miss out if I don't.

 

[ido]

Right now, my CS barely covers half the childcare expenses - forget about things like food, clothes, and extracurricular. My ex had the nerve to tell me that I needed to sign our older son up for soccer. I asked him if he was going to pay for half of it and I never heard about soccer again.

Next month, my CS goes up considerably but then I get to spend the next 6 months playing catch up on everything I fell behind on over the last 6 months. It's a viscious cycle.

I did get a promotion/raise at work, which is going to help considerably towards getting me to my goal of not relying on CS at all.

The thing that really gets me is that he doesn't even pay for the things they need while at his house. It would be nice if my ex cared even just a little about the welfare of his children. (He sent our older son home in a size 4/5 shirt two weeks ago. Our son wears a size 8 now. ) I try to send down extra clothes, but never get anything back - so I end up running out of clothes. Shoes are the icing on the cake. I've finally started sending the kids barefoot b/c I got tired of late-night Sunday runs to Walmart b/c the boys came home shoe-less and I needed an emergency pair.

 

[Carolyn H]

I did not get money...I can support myself and our child. God provides better than my ex ever did.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Right now, my CS barely covers half the childcare expenses - forget about things like food, clothes, and extracurricular. My ex had the nerve to tell me that I needed to sign our older son up for soccer. I asked him if he was going to pay for half of it and I never heard about soccer again.

Next month, my CS goes up considerably but then I get to spend the next 6 months playing catch up on everything I fell behind on over the last 6 months. It's a viscious cycle.

I did get a promotion/raise at work, which is going to help considerably towards getting me to my goal of not relying on CS at all.

The thing that really gets me is that he doesn't even pay for the things they need while at his house. It would be nice if my ex cared even just a little about the welfare of his children. (He sent our older son home in a size 4/5 shirt two weeks ago. Our son wears a size 8 now. ) I try to send down extra clothes, but never get anything back - so I end up running out of clothes. Shoes are the icing on the cake. I've finally started sending the kids barefoot b/c I got tired of late-night Sunday runs to Walmart b/c the boys came home shoe-less and I needed an emergency pair.

How do you come home shoeless!??! That's ridiculous. We've had the clothing argument so many times. It's so irritating. I want the kids to have some clothes over her, and I've bought them some to keep over here. However, I expected some of the clothes we bought for them together to stay her at my place too, and she threw a fit. "This is their house. They're just visiting over there." Which about made me lose a gasket.

 

[ido]

How do you come home shoeless!??! That's ridiculous. We've had the clothing argument so many times. It's so irritating. I want the kids to have some clothes over her, and I've bought them some to keep over here. However, I expected some of the clothes we bought for them together to stay her at my place too, and she threw a fit. "This is their house. They're just visiting over there." Which about made me lose a gasket.

When I moved out, I went through all of the boys clothes and left roughly half with him and kept half for my house (he got all the sports wear since that's how he likes to dress them and I kept the khakis and button downs/polos since that's how I like to dress them lol). Since then - about 2 years now - he has refused to properly update their wardrobe at his house. Our older son consistently comes home to me in things that fit his younger brother. Just tonight, he told me that I need to start sending shoes with the boys. I reminded him that I don't get shoes back, told him their shoe sizes, and suggested he go to Walmart and buy them each a pair. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but I can't afford to clothe them at both homes when nothing decent ever makes its way back to me.

Your kids are old enough, they should be able to be responsible for packing some clothes that can go back and forth with them in an overnight bag, at the very least. But, from what you've share, reasonable expectations aren't your ex-wife's strong point.