Getting past rejection

[memoriesbymichelle]

Everyone has rejection issues. Rejection is a part of life. People in show business and modeling experience rejection on a regular basis. But aside from that, some of us have real rejection issues that continue to affect our lives. This past weekend this was brought front and center to MY attention lol I was watching Charles Stanley before going to church and he was preaching on Rejection. Then I go to church and what is my Pastor talking about? you guessed it....Rejection.
So I know there are others here that have really been hurt by rejection. My question I would like to "explore" is....how can we get passed it? We can (and some have) gone on and become successful in other areas of their life and that is not what I mean by getting passed it. I'm talking about truly getting healed in this area of our lives.
In my case the 2 most important men in my life let me down. The first was my dad. He disowned me at 13 (we have a relationship now, although not that close) and my first love of my life boyfriend who dumped me and married someone else 8 months later.
I thought I had gotten over these, but evidentally God doesn't think so lol. It's probably what keeps me from getting involved now in relationships. I am very suspicious in nature when it comes to guys and that probably stems from not feeling worthy from the 2 men in my past.
And even my husband at some point in our marriage did not approve of the way I looked and let me know it, so then I kind of felt used when he wanted sex from me cuz I knew he wasn't physically attracted to me and yet he would not support me to change. Wouldn't let me join a gym or weightloss program or help me to eat right or work out.
I think this affects my relationship with God as well. So maybe we can help each other heal in this area. What do you think?

 

[Life2Christ]

I was talking about this on the other thread (the "crush" thread) about how I want to tell this guy that I like him and because I expect rejection, I want to get it over with so I won't live with the regret. I have learned that when you get your stength from God and put your identity as that you are His child, then the hurt will be mitigated.

I got dumped hardcore by my ex-husband. He basically left me for a woman who was pretty and outgoing and everything I wasn't (she also had a reputation for being "easy" so that made her more attractive. She was a mess and not a good role model for her young daughters. And this was before I found Christ...so what was my reaction? I wanted to commit suicide.

Thankfully, God had other plans. Now that Holy Spirit opened my eyes, I discover that my ex-husband was not the hero I thought him out to be. He is deeply troubled with mental issues. He wasn't a knight in shining armor that I loved, he was a broken man. Pitiful and pathetic. And this is what I wanted to kill myself over?

Fast foward, I'm dead from the neck up from my experience and now I find this guy at my church who is GORGEOUS (but in my book "gorgeous" doesn't pay the bills, I need more). I don't know him but he sometimes leads the prayer and he is smart and loves Christ. And he's holy. So he's like the total package...but....

I'm not the total package. He's better looking than I am for sure. So there is an imbalance. I don't think I'm ugly..I'm not...but I'm just second guessing everything. So now I'm anticipating rejection and debating what I should do here.

Sorry this is long...

 

[Life2Christ]

. Wouldn't let me join a gym or weightloss program or help me to eat right or work out.
I think this affects my relationship with God as well. So maybe we can help each other heal in this area. What do you think?

Not letting you join a gym was HIS problem. He was putting his neurosis on you; making you feel less than. The people that reject you have real issues I have discovered.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Not letting you join a gym was HIS problem. He was putting his neurosis on you; making you feel less than. The people that reject you have real issues I have discovered.

BBM yeah and hence that is the circle of life, eh? So yeah, my dad was an alcoholic and left my mom after having an affair with my step mom. IMO my mom was the better woman, better looking, better morals, but yeah he had issues. My boyfriend, IDK, young and dumb? I guess he just didn't love me enough. You can't help who you love to a certain extent, but I REALLY loved him.

So how can acknowledging my rejection help me? What does Christ want me to get out of this? I mean because of what happened with these men, I am insecure (even though I live in denial lol) and suspicious (I worry about guys being serial killers lol) and I guess it has to do with my self worth. In my head I think I'm a pretty good "catch" but in my heart maybe I still don't feel worthy IDK.

 

[Life2Christ]

but I REALLY loved him.

So how can acknowledging my rejection help me? What does Christ want me to get out of this? I mean because of what happened with these men, I am insecure (even though I live in denial lol) and suspicious (I worry about guys being serial killers lol) and I guess it has to do with my self worth. In my head I think I'm a pretty good "catch" but in my heart maybe I still don't feel worthy IDK.

I "get" the serial killer argument. I really do. You don't sound like you have a low self-esteem, you sound like someone who is intimate with reality and all the dagners present within it. Christ wants you to have faith. This world lures us with false promises and people let us down. Have faith that God will bless you (ask Him), have faith that your love for others will bring you peace. I'm sure you are a good catch and keep thinking that. Act like it. Know it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I "get" the serial killer argument. I really do. You don't sound like you have a low self-esteem, you sound like someone who is intimate with reality and all the dagners present within it. Christ wants you to have faith. This world lures us with false promises and people let us down. Have faith that God will bless you (ask Him), have faith that your love for others will bring you peace. I'm sure you are a good catch and keep thinking that. Act like it. Know it.

Thanks for the comments. In reading them I wonder about myself....I'm not sure I really want to be "caught" IYKWIM? I have total faith in Christ, really I do. I KNOW He has the best plan for me, sometimes I just don't know what that is lol. And if you give people a chance they can and will let you down. I don't put much faith in people. I really just want to be in God's will for my life, and it seems like He is wanting me to look at this issue of rejection...why? IDK but I'm looking at it

 

[dayhiker]

Got to love honest open decisions.

I was very aware of rejection when I was young. I remember in school seeing other people having person after person coming up to them to talk with them. They were the popular people. I didn't come close to the abilities they had. In sports I was middle of the road till I found running long distance, then I moved to the front. So one sport I could be in the front, not 1st place tho.

Once I was lucky and somehow had one of the prettiest freshman girls to be a GF. I got on the bus before she did. Most time she would sit with me. But we would sit there for the six mile ride to school and not say a word. Neither of us knew how to lead a conversation. If I could have talked to her we could have had all summer to hang out together.

But there were reasons I didn't have a lot of friends. Reasons that were beyond my control. Thankfully, they weren't intentional done to me to hurt me. Also now I can look back and see how they helped me be who I am now.

I was shy. Lots of people are shy when they are young and going thru all the changes that happen when we grow up. They make us self-conscious, we don't really know ourself since the change happening so fast. How can we give ourself to others when we can't keep up with who we are!? I remember 20 years ago watching other people just going up to people and talking about mundane things. People seems to be happy to talk with them. So I started thinking I can talk about nothing as well. So I got up my boldness and started talking to people. Well, much learning later, I can do very well with a conversation.

So I went to 4 high schools. My parents just dropped me off at the front of the school! Then into the Marine Corps. So in a period of about 6 yrs I ended up in a new place not knowing anyone from the previous place. Well, ya, family in HS moves. That meant I had no long term friends. But I learned I could go into places where I knew no one and handle it. I've done that twice in the twice in the last 3 weeks. One being a weekend long personal growth weekend! I don't even get nervous doing it now.

Can't blame my parents. my mother tells the story of having her tonsils out at 6. Her mother gave her a sheet on Sat. morning and talk her to the 2 miles to school where the nurse would look after her, she would have her tonsils out and after a rest she could walk home! Maybe we baby our kids a little too much, she they get the message they don't need to grow up. Maybe.

I could say the same thing about public speaking. I don't do that often enough to be real comfortable with it now. But when I was an assistant pastor it was no problem.

Oh, ya another big one! Talking to someone when I had to talk about an uncomfortable situation. I hated that one for years. I just didn't do it for years. Usually after a few months it wasn't that important in the scheme of the big picture anyways. But my insides churched for days and I hated to see that person. I couldn't look at them. Finally, a situation came, where it couldn't be put off. I had to go talk to him. I spent hours thinking about what I'd say. What he might say. How I might respond. Then I figured out a time. Nervous as all get out till the time came. We talked. It went well even with my still limited communication skills. The relief afterwards was amazing. Not unlike an the feeling after an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. So I start thinking, why do I avoid these conversations? The worst part is always not saying anything. Talking doesn't always solve the problem. (As with the tenant I had to evict last year.) But I always feel better after the talk. I'd think they would also. Now they know where they stand with me.

So there is a slice of my life. I'm so thankful that God put the gumption in my to understand those situations and take an action that lead me to maturity and honesty. Its really making life a lot more enjoyable.

OK, too long a post. Thanks for reading if you got this far before you had to go turn the heat off under the tea kettle.! LOL

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Whew dayhiker, long winded much? just sayin' lol. .

I think everything we go thru helps to shape us for the plan God has for our lives. I was a step parent even though I did not like my step mom very much and really didn't want to be a step mom. I learned alot trying to raise my step daughters and step son. I have a great relationship with 2 of them to this day (2 out of three ain't bad, right? ). And I think if God were to tell us this is what you have to go thru we would say NO WAY am I doing THAT! lol.
But I also think it is important to analyze and re-analyze our lives periodically to keep ourselves in check and to continue to grow. If we get to the place where we think we have it all figured out, I would say "watch out!" lol. Cuz as Christians IDK we will ever "arrive" until Jesus comes back, but that's JMO.

Still trying to figure out how I can use this admittance or knowledge of my past rejection. Maybe I won't know for awhile. Maybe it's not for me. IDK, but I know who does . God does. Help me to understand Lord whatever it is you want me to understand.

I'm kinda surprised not to see exit here. Lord knows he has faced rejection in his life, right? Yoo hoo...

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, not everything is figured out in a day/week or month.

I'm guessing exit is busy, I'm sure he will be around. I'm glad he is here.

Sometimes when I write something that I think really explains a part of my life, I copy it and store it in a personal directory I keep on the computer. Its kinda like a journey at times.

 

[exitstageright]

Everyone has rejection issues. Rejection is a part of life. People in show business and modeling experience rejection on a regular basis. But aside from that, some of us have real rejection issues that continue to affect our lives. This past weekend this was brought front and center to MY attention lol I was watching Charles Stanley before going to church and he was preaching on Rejection. Then I go to church and what is my Pastor talking about? you guessed it....Rejection.
So I know there are others here that have really been hurt by rejection. My question I would like to "explore" is....how can we get passed it? We can (and some have) gone on and become successful in other areas of their life and that is not what I mean by getting passed it. I'm talking about truly getting healed in this area of our lives.
In my case the 2 most important men in my life let me down. The first was my dad. He disowned me at 13 (we have a relationship now, although not that close) and my first love of my life boyfriend who dumped me and married someone else 8 months later.
I thought I had gotten over these, but evidentally God doesn't think so lol. It's probably what keeps me from getting involved now in relationships. I am very suspicious in nature when it comes to guys and that probably stems from not feeling worthy from the 2 men in my past.
And even my husband at some point in our marriage did not approve of the way I looked and let me know it, so then I kind of felt used when he wanted sex from me cuz I knew he wasn't physically attracted to me and yet he would not support me to change. Wouldn't let me join a gym or weightloss program or help me to eat right or work out.
I think this affects my relationship with God as well. So maybe we can help each other heal in this area. What do you think?

Yes,rejection is a part of life. IMO,all rejections are the same.The end result is that one was not accepted,either for a legitimate reason,or for a non-legitamate reason. Whether it is not being picked to be on the kickball team in elementary school,or having a girl say that you are an ugly square in junior high school. One way to cope with rejection is not to take the rejection personally. Yes,that is far easily said than done.

I am in show business. Although I have said this many times,it is still true.When those girls were rejecting me in school,they were actually preparing me for show business.

Now this part of my life seems strange.

I now weight about 240 pounds,at 5'9". Insulin has caused me to gain weight. I asked one woman for her honest opinion. I asked her,"What is it about me that makes a woman want to keep me in her "friend zone"?

She told me,"You have a lot going for you.You drive a nice car(Mercedes).You dress very well.You are educatated,make a good living,don't smoke,don't do drugs,have a good sense of humor,love to go out to have a good time,and you treat people nicely. However,if you were to lose about 20 to 30 pounds,you would be... hot!"

The funny thing is,when I was in high school,I was 5'9",and weighed only 165 pounds. I had a great physique, was stocky,was very muscular,was the Co-Captian of the varsity football team,and was a good swimmer. Yes,I was in great shape when I was in high school,but I had no girlfriend. No girl considered me to be "hot".When I was in such great shape,why did not any girl think I was hot then? Even though I am now overweight,some women( now )have said that I am "sexy".

So.....what gives?

Now,how does God fit into all of this?

I thank God,that although he did not bless me with knock out good looks, a square jaw,being over 6 feet tall,and six pack abs;God did give me a good brain,wisdom,and the tenacity to use rejection as a motivating factor in my life. Instead of me getting angry and hurting people,I used that enegry into making myself sucessful in other areas of my life.

Believe me,when I travel to Tahiti or to Hawaii,and see the beauty of those islands,I do not have time to think about rejection or any other type of negativity in my life.IMO,no one should leave this earth without seeing the sheer beauty of the Tahitian Island of Bora Bora.If King David had seen Bora Bora or Hawaii,I wonder what would he would have written in the Book of Psalms.

Therefore,by me visiting ,seeing,and swimming in very beautiful tropical waters,that has been my healing and my therapy for rejection.

 

[Life2Christ]

I really just want to be in God's will for my life, and it seems like He is wanting me to look at this issue of rejection...why? IDK but I'm looking at it

Because you DO want to be caught!! You know not all men are dangerous, there are some good men out there based on the law of averages. And mind you I say this as a celibate, single woman. I believe in love (especially romantic love) and I think it does wonders. So I advice you to humble yourself even futher and keep hope alive. This rejection issue is going to crop up more and more as you deny that you don't need a man. Ask me how I know.

 

[dayhiker]

Life,
I think you make a valid point. While some are celibate, I think that is very few. God truly did put in us a STRONG desire for intimacy and most of us want that to be with the opposite sex. I'm very conscious of my list of things that have bugged me about relationships in the past. If I say a lady can't have any of those traits, then how am I going to find the next one?
So I got to put aside at least some of that list.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Just found out this morning that my step daughter is getting divorced. I don't understand what their problems are. She is a stay at home mom (well she just got a full time job so) and her husband is a mechanic. I have another friend that has cancer and she and her husband bicker all the time, have separate bedrooms and I don't understand that either.

I, sometimes think it would be nice to have someone, and I'm not saying I don't "need" a man. I don't know what I need lol. I definitely have a soft heart and I'm not looking forward to it being crushed again, whether in a break up, or another dying situation. So I'm just ridin' the wave right now. I cannot do the online thing, but I'm not opposed to going out if someone asked me that I thought was interesting. No one has come on the scene and that's OK with me too.
It could go either way for me. I like my freedom. I'm not that lonely. I am open to love. I trust God.